Wednesday, August 19, 2009

This post has no theme

Follow up:

I went to the bathroom where the incident took place today and peered into the stall to take in the scene of the crime. This is what I saw:

That is a result of me kicking the seat. It's 6 days later and has not moved. Who knows how many ladies have been saved by my immature angry outburst? Probably at least 3. On the other hand, someone's been in to clean it at least 12 times since then, and yet it has not been fixed. Awesome.

Guess what I did tonight? Played tennis with Steph. Obviously. Because I haven't played tennis in 19 years so why wouldn't I be playing it on a Tuesday night? Steph has decided this summer she would implement Tennis Tuesdays. It's not like she's a tennis player. She bought a racket for $10 at Target, and now she picks someone new every week to play with her. Tonight was my turn. Items of note:

1. I took out my racket after 19 years and spiders were living in it. I was like, "This is no longer a racket. This is someone's home now."
2. I wore my mom-slip-on tennis shoes ("tennies" if I was actually my mom), and they tore up the back of my heels so bad that now they are literally burning.
3. We went to the bar afterward, and despite the fact that were the sweatiest women who have ever walked the planet Earth, our adorable bartender was in love with Steph. Here is just one example of what happened: I ordered a drink. He made it. Steph ordered a drink. He carded her saying, "You definitely don't look 30." W. T. F. Shortly after that, Drew, Woody and Matt showed up and totally cockblocked her. It was sad but funny when Steph put her credit card out to pay the bill, and he absolutely refused to take it. He ignored it for 20 minutes easily while he took the cards for all the boys around her. I heart that bartender, and I want him to marry Steph. Speaking of marrying Steph I may have said if given the choice I would marry her over Matt because she has nice boobs, and I like redheads.

And the award for Greatest Thing I've Ever Seen goes to my sister, Diane, for Incident at Golf on Sunday. I was in my cart about 15 yards behind her watching her take her shot. My mom was to my left in a cart, and Drew and my dad were on my right in their cart. Diane went to hit the ball, but she top it and it bounced. I didn't see where it went so I was looking around when Diane turned around, mouth agape making a face that clearly said "No. Effing. Way." I looked at her quizzically, and she slowly pulled up the skirt part of her skorts*, and there, nestled between her thighs, was the golf ball. She had hit the ball, it bounced up and she caught it between her thighs. Ho. Ly. Shit. I honestly can't remember the last time I laughed that hard. This is how she described it after we somewhat gained our composure: "I felt it go in between my legs, so I just squeezed."

There are just way too many jokes here. But I'm going to avoid them because it's my baby sister. I will say this to maybe help explain why she caught it: she used to be a softball catcher. And a slut. Just kidding, Dad. By the way, "I felt it go between my legs, so I just squeezed" is the best quote of 2009.


Lindy said...

I finaly return to my blog, I click your link and think - "I wonder if she's still there? I wonder if steph is too? And I wonder if she still drinks?"

Yep. :)

:P I always go half wild and end up smacking the shit out of myself in the legs with my racket. Or the back of the head, that one pisses me off. Dangerous, but fun. :P


shine said...

Awesome. I was playing wallyball with my friends on Sunday and the ball hit the wall, bounced off the floor, and my friend Cheese caught it between her calves. It's not as good as in the thighs, but it's a much bigger ball. I think it would have had some trouble making it all the way up.

If I'm ever in Cleveland (note: this is very very unlikely), can I please please hang out with you and Steph? I have nice boobs and I'm a redhead! It's practically like I'm already in the group.

Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention my new boyfriend the bartender had a pet name for me, "doll.". Sigh. I will marry him but realize this takes me off the market and leaves you stuck with Matt.

Diane is amazing. Or maybe Diane's thighs are amazing.


Chris said...

I married a redhead. I highly recommend it. And everybody likes nice boobs, don't they? Also, if a dude catches a richochet up the skorts, it's no laughing matter. Your sister is fortunate to be a girl.

Fizzgig said...

tennis sounds like a sophisticated sort of sport to take up.....

until you read about catching golf balls with your thighs...


weesle909 said...

What is it people yell at golf tournaments after a player hits a ball?

Oh yeah. "Get in the hole!"

(Sorry about that.)

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