Now Hiring

Living alone isn't too bad. There are a lot of great things about it, that's for sure. I am actually handling it pretty well. But the nights are really hard. Bedtime--that is when I am the loneliest. When I have to go to bed by myself is when I notice B's absence the most, and also it's the only time I get nervous about living alone.

I can't fall asleep without turning on my fan for noise (even though it's -10 degrees in my bedroom) or without my TV being on. Both of these things, I'm sure, are affecting my quality of sleep which right now is horrible. When I do sleep (which is rare), I am restless. I have vivid nightmares, and I toss and turn. And every time I wake up, I wake up without him, and the pain is so severe it takes me a while to catch my breath. It's just so obvious he's not there. I can't even trick myself with pillows or blankets. B is 6'3" with broad shoulders, a big chest (not in the same way that I have a big chest-in a hot manly way) and big strong arms. He has a big belly, too, which never bothered me. I loved it. Cuddling with him at night was, honestly, the best feeling I've ever experienced in my life. And every morning when he woke up, he would roll over, put his arm around me and pull me to him. That is the best way to be woken up. I know guys think there is a better way to be woken up (wink, wink), but there's not.

Now before I make myself cry, let's not forget that B is a bastardface who left me. And that thing he used to do to wake me up stopped happening around July because apparently he was just way too depressed to be loving. You guys, it is really hard to be affectionate with someone you claim to love when you are too busy missing your dog.

The point of all this very depressing rambling is that I am now hiring. Details are below.

Position: Bed-filler

Duties: Duties would include:

• Sleeping with me all night on the right side (when laying in the bed)


• Cuddling with me for 5-10 minutes before we go to sleep


• Waking me up in the fashion described above

Required skills: good cuddler, no snoring, no sleephumping (apparently this is a real thing)

Preferred skills: make me breakfast in bed

Salary: I don't have any money to give you, and I can't cook. But I will let you touch my boobs over my shirt. According to John's system, if you touch a girl's boobs over her shirt and have your hand down your own pants, you have reached 3rd base.

I am an equal opportunity employer so I will consider using females in a non-cuddling capacity, however, in that case no booby-touching. Quit complaining-you know women don't get compensated equally to do the same job as a man. Deal with it.

If more than one of you wants to apply I could create a rotating schedule. Let me know-we can work something out.

Serious inquiries only.