Thursday, January 27, 2005

Now Hiring

Living alone isn't too bad. There are a lot of great things about it, that's for sure. I am actually handling it pretty well. But the nights are really hard. Bedtime--that is when I am the loneliest. When I have to go to bed by myself is when I notice B's absence the most, and also it's the only time I get nervous about living alone.

I can't fall asleep without turning on my fan for noise (even though it's -10 degrees in my bedroom) or without my TV being on. Both of these things, I'm sure, are affecting my quality of sleep which right now is horrible. When I do sleep (which is rare), I am restless. I have vivid nightmares, and I toss and turn. And every time I wake up, I wake up without him, and the pain is so severe it takes me a while to catch my breath. It's just so obvious he's not there. I can't even trick myself with pillows or blankets. B is 6'3" with broad shoulders, a big chest (not in the same way that I have a big chest-in a hot manly way) and big strong arms. He has a big belly, too, which never bothered me. I loved it. Cuddling with him at night was, honestly, the best feeling I've ever experienced in my life. And every morning when he woke up, he would roll over, put his arm around me and pull me to him. That is the best way to be woken up. I know guys think there is a better way to be woken up (wink, wink), but there's not.

Now before I make myself cry, let's not forget that B is a bastardface who left me. And that thing he used to do to wake me up stopped happening around July because apparently he was just way too depressed to be loving. You guys, it is really hard to be affectionate with someone you claim to love when you are too busy missing your dog.

The point of all this very depressing rambling is that I am now hiring. Details are below.

Position: Bed-filler

Duties: Duties would include:
  • Sleeping with me all night on the right side (when laying in the bed)

  • Cuddling with me for 5-10 minutes before we go to sleep

  • Waking me up in the fashion described above

Required skills: good cuddler, no snoring, no sleephumping (apparently this is a real thing)

Preferred skills: make me breakfast in bed

Salary: I don't have any money to give you, and I can't cook. But I will let you touch my boobs over my shirt. According to John's system, if you touch a girl's boobs over her shirt and have your hand down your own pants, you have reached 3rd base.

I am an equal opportunity employer so I will consider using females in a non-cuddling capacity, however, in that case no booby-touching. Quit complaining-you know women don't get compensated equally to do the same job as a man. Deal with it.

If more than one of you wants to apply I could create a rotating schedule. Let me know-we can work something out.

Serious inquiries only.


Anonymous said...

I came across your blog, quite accidentally, and I am really sad! You sound like an amazing person - absolutely GREAT taste in music, so I sent you, from very afar (australia) a very big, very friendly and very warm hug - maybe it will ease your pain just a little. Be strong! YOU ARE WOMAN!!! *hugs*

Sarah said...

Oh my God-thank you so much! This has totally brightened my day--I mean it! :)

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

If I'd had those requirements earlier in the week I could have conducted some interviews for you here, because there are many available applicants, and very few have girlfirends or have ever touched boobies. Since you didn't specify many physical attibutes or hygene triats, your chances of getting qualified though somewhat dysfunctional folks was quite high. I'll ask around, though.

danielle said...

sarah! you now have friends in australia!! you are amazing. also, since i'm the mufflet, obviously i'll be applying for the job. however, if john or scott get to you first, by all means, hire those 'boobs' (john and scott).

Johnny Virgil said...

too bad I'm in albany....

John said...

I fail to meet any of the requirements so you're probably the leading candidate muflet

Scott said...

It appears that i do not meet the qualifications BUT with my wife we can cover all of the requirements. So - Sarah and I are in tense negotiations for "Operation 3way" hopefully things won;t fall through.

Erik with a K said...

I meet the requirements to a T.

however, I am a left side sleeper, and, well, also married.

Other than that, I'd be considered one of the top 9 or so.

And you are so awesome, you'll find someone almost as totally great as me. I promise.

Tigerlily said...

You can have my boyfriend. He will snuggle the living shit out of you and he is a right-side sleeper. I have been trying to kick that troll out of my bed for almost three years now. See, I am a lone wolf when it comes to sleeping, although I do keep my fan running 365.
Seriously, shoot me your address, he's all yours. Besides I have to make room for Henry Rollins.

Carly said...

Mr C is not allowed to touch me if I am trying to sleep. I just can't stand it... it wakes me right the heck up. I want a king size bed!!! You- go over there and don't touch me.

We're in NY or I'd loan him out (I am the one freak in the world who enjoys it when her husband is away on business because I get the ENTIRE bed. All for me! No one is snoring!) He does snore, LOUD. So nevermind.

But you are SO funny, someone smart is going to snap you up any day now and then you'll be blogging about how blissfully in love you are, and all us old married farts will hate you.

Remember, there is someone for everyone (I submit to you, the ultimate proof: Danny Devito, and Rhea Perlman. Could you ever imagine either of them finding true love? BUT THEY DID!)

danielle said...

sarah!! it's getting to the point where i have to like dedicate a posting to this. you repeatedly get the nicest, warmest blog visitors. they're even sending you hugs from down under. i'm so proud of you, you big giant hor.