Letters for April 15th, 2009

Dear drivers on I-71 this morning,

Thank God you slowed down to cause a mile-long traffic jam while passing by the small fender bender that had clearly happened a while earlier and was all the way off the side of the road posing no threat to anyone because otherwise we all would've just driven right by it without issue, and I would've gotten to work on time. And by on time I mean 45 minutes late because I slept in.

Dear Mel Gibson's wife,

What took you so long?

Dear Johnny Virgil,

I'm so sorry.

Dear "ER" finale,

What? That's it? That sucked. Also am I the only one who every time she sees Scott Grimes she can only think of "Critters"?

Dear co-workers,

You don't know it, but this isn't coffee in my travel coffee mug. It's chocolate milk. I am 7.

Dear Flo Rida,

I hate you for making it so all I hear in my head is your new song "Sugar". I also love you for it. I used to drive my friend Renee and my sister crazy singing the "Blue (Da Ba Dee)" song by Eiffel 65 and now you've taken the best part of that song and paired it with a whole bunch of awesome. "I'll wrap you out of them clothes you my treat, my treat." Indeed, sir. In-deed.

Dear pirates,

Seriously? Pirates? That's your chosen vocation? What year is it? Also I thought you guys were like hot and brilliant and quirky and, despite initial appearances, ultimately good and loyal men on the inside-you know, like Jack Sparrow. No?

Dear my Lost friends,

Um...I just watched two episodes last night, and I am still one behind. The last one I watched ended with Sayid shooting 12 year old Ben. Sidenote: HOLYFUCKINGSHIT. But for reals what is Sayid's problem? Why is he trying to defect from the group? Also, Jack is wicked hot in every decade. P.S. Sawyer just had a new baby girl in real life. I'm sure she is really ugly, and that he does not look totally hot fawning all over her.