I have Poise

So while I was at the Home & Garden show Saturday taking pictures of new species of hair, I needed to use the facilities. Now okay listen-I know that literally three posts ago I said I would not talk about female time of the month stuff, and also I don't want to gross you guys out, but I need to tell you this. And I mean we're all adults here, right? Well okay in age only perhaps but still.

Anyway, I went to use the facilities which are in the basement of the place, and I discovered that I had a need for a feminine product. I called my sister to come downstairs, but she didn't have anything. So I went out to the machine and put a quarter in. Nothing happened. So I tried again. I was really struggling. Three older women came over to me and said, "Are you having trouble, honey?" and started to help me. Let me just sidetrack here for a moment and say that people will ignore you if you fall on the sidewalk and break your leg-I mean they'll just walk right over you. But if you are a woman and you need a feminine product, suddenly it's like the ya ya sisterhood up in there. It's like they sense that a woman is in need, and they band together to help you through this difficult time. I'm not kidding. This has been my experience over and over. I think maybe the secret to world peace lies somewhere in the realm of women and lack of feminine products, but I don't have time to work out the details right now.

Anyway okay I was in the bathroom struggling with the product machine and three ladies were helping. One said, "I think I have something upstairs in my backpack. I'll run and get it for you." The two other ladies managed to get out my quarter and try a different one. It was a no go. Effing machine. So as they were trying to get out their quarter, my hero lady came back downstairs and handed me a pad. I bowed to all of them and thanked them profusely for their help, and they were all so sweet and said, "Please-we've all been there."

Five minutes later I emerged from the bathroom secure and happy...and almost definitely wearing an incontinence pad. Seriously. I'd bet $20 it was made by Depends. The thing was huge and was clearly shaped for all over coverage down there. I just tried to draw it, and it looked like a penis so I'm not going to put a picture of it in here. My poor parents already have to deal with one daughter who draws penises and hangs them on trees. So let's just use an analogy:

This pad was to normal pads as a whale is to a peanut.

Does that help you envision just how big this thing was? It won't help you envision how in the back it was specially shaped to fit under your ass. I'll let you guys imagine that on your own. Bottom line: It was one step short of having leg holes.

Now let me just clarify here that in no way am I lessening what this woman did for me. She was sweet and kind and she really helped me out when I needed her, and I am so so appreciative. But seriously I could've pissed in my pants, and it wouldn't have mattered. That's really all I'm trying to say.

31 is definitely way younger than I had anticipated needing adult diapers. I thought maybe 36, 37. Oh well. I guess I'll just adjust my timetable to move up the ordering of my first Rascal.