My Christmas Vacation by Okay Seriously

Christmas was awesome as usual. I seriously couldn’t love that holiday more. But I should probably take my lights and decorations down soon before my neighbors egg my house. There’s just me and one other house left-the two holdouts of the neighborhood. I’m hoping to outlast them, and I’ll tell you what: I think I can win this. My laziness knows no bounds.

The Saturday after Christmas, we had a party for Aloyd’s 30th birthday. We went to a bar, and it turned out be karaoke night. We thought this might dampen the fun of our party. What it did was exactly the opposite. I don’t think the karaoke dude was prepared for us, but he had to get used to it fast because we descended on him like a fat girl on a cupcake…or like me on a cupcake. Many songs were sung-almost all by people from our party (sorry, other people at the bar!). I wish I could remember what songs I sang, but I cannot. I know there was some Heart and some Pat Benatar. Eventually the singing was replaced with just plain dancing. After hours of drunken singing and dancing and general jackassery, it was time to go home. And that’s when I finally noticed that a senior manager at my company was at the bar. Someone who I had literally just spoken to two days earlier so there was no way he didn’t recognize me. I stealthily hid behind a wall and then walked out shielding my eyes and employing the Toddler Peek-a-boo theory of ‘If I can’t see him, he can’t see me.’

The next day on my way home from Diane and Drew’s, I started to feel sick. Cursing myself for drinking so much vodka, I laid in my recliner waiting for the hangover to wear off. A couple hours later, the entire contents of my stomach was in the toilet, and I was puking steadily every 1.5 hours for the next two days. Stomach flu. Gdammit. I haven’t had the stomach flu in years. And I think it’s been waiting in the wings, trying to find the perfect moment to strike. And what a moment it picked-my first long vacation in forever. I was sidelined for 5 days. My New Year’s Eve was spent on my recliner in my pajamas watching my “Scrubs” DVDs. Jealous?? My sister was sweet enough to bring me chicken noodle soup, magazines, pretzels and Gatorade. Sadly that was the highlight of my New Year’s Eve. I did get to watch VH1’s Best Year Ever special which made me want to pee my pants with laughter, and then I watched the ball drop with Taylor Swift, the Jonas Brothers, Demi Lovato and Lionel Richie. Seriously what the hell was Lionel Richie doing there? Was he the age 30+ crowd’s spokesperson? Because I am totally fine with that.

My original plan was to join my friends at a bar downtown. It’s a new place called Cadillac Ranch, and it’s really big and nice inside. We bought tickets which included appetizers and open bar. Apparently, the night did not go as planned as this new place was not prepared for the craziness that is New Year’s Eve. Since I heard it all third person, I won’t attempt to get too detailed here, but here are some of the things that went wrong:

- Around 11pm, the bartenders stopped serving the people who had paid for the open bar and would only serve people who had cash

- It was way too crowded with too many out of control drunk people. A really drunk couple walked up to Meg and shoved her into the bar. For no reason. She is actually bruised, you guys. That’s how hard they pushed her. Drew, who never ever gets mad, was pissed. When Diane and Steph saw him yelling at this couple, even though they had no idea what was going on, Steph punched the guy in the gut and Diane pushed them both back. Immature? Yes. Awesome? Yes. By the way, Steph punching someone? Not painful. I’m just saying she is very small.

- There is a back room in the bar, which they closed off because it was too crowded or there was a fight-I don’t really care what the reason was. The problem is, the coat room was on the way to the back room, and they wouldn’t let anyone get their coats. When my friends went up there the bouncers said, “You can’t get by.” My sister said, “Well we need to get our coats.” The bouncers said, “You can get them later.” Diane said, “When?” They said, “Two hours-when we close.” Um…are you effing kidding me? You can’t keep people hostage at your bar, Cadillac Ranch! I’m pretty sure they put that in the bar-owning rule book. From this point on, it just got ridiculous. Aloyd asked what was going on and the bouncer started screaming at him, “Stop spitting on me!” That’s a pretty normal reaction to a calmly stated and reasonable question. My sister, who when drunk and angry is a) hilarious and b) scary, and Steph, who when in lawyer mode is a) hilarious and b) scary, started explaining to the bouncers why what they were doing was illegal and that if they weren’t allowed to leave with their belongings, the police would be called. In the meantime, Matt was asking one of the bouncers what was going on, when they suddenly grabbed him and pulled him through into the blocked off area-to kick him out. You guys don’t know Matt, but he is possibly one of the tamest, least controversial people you will ever meet. The guy is always smiling, always happy and never causes trouble. In fact, when they pulled him through with force into the blocked off area, he thought it was to let him get his coat. He was like, “Thanks!” That’s how unassuming he is. When they kicked him out, he was so shocked he didn’t even know what to do. So he just went outside and got in a cab and went home. Awesome. Eventually my sister somehow snuck through while the bouncers were kicking some other guy out-for no reason I’m sure-and she got everyone’s coats and they got the hell out of there. By the time they left the bar, police cars and ambulances were showing up.
Nice job, Cadillac Ranch. Here’s a tip: get your shit together. Hire more people, hire less panicky bouncers and less asshole bartenders, sell fewer tickets and don’t eff over the people who paid tons of money to be there.

At any rate, I was sad to miss New Year’s, but after hearing of the drama, it was probably a good thing I wasn’t there. The good thing that came out of this was that the next day, all my friends wanted a New Year’s redo to cancel out the drama and to make sure I could celebrate with them. Seriously could I have more amazing friends? They re-celebrated New Year’s Eve for me! Who does that?

Our redo was on Saturday. We started at a winery where we thought we’d go for a glass or two. Or bottles. Whatever. We then made our way to a bar in Lakewood. As readers of this blog know, these types of activities-these special events-is where Steph shines. She brought party hats, crowns, noisemakers, confetti, party poppers, etc. I mean she went all out. She quickly won over the heart of the bar owner, then proceeded to have this conversation with him:

Steph: “I’m sure you have bottles of champagne left over from New Year’s. How much is it?”
Bar owner: “$18 a bottle.”
Steph: “Okay I’ll take 2 bottles at that price.”
Bar owner: “Okay that’s $36.”Steph: “No. I want 2 bottles at that price-$18.”
Bar owner, after a pause: “Okay.”

How does she do that, you guys? Anyway, so we dressed up, we had complete control of the jukebox which means we turned the bar into a dance party, we were loud and we were super fun. At first the bar patrons were annoyed with us, but they soon embraced us and our cause. At one point, Steph was in the bathroom and someone said to her, “I heard you guys are celebrating New Year’s because your friend died on New Year’s Eve. I’m so sorry.” Steph had no idea what to say so she just said yes thereby turning us into the friends who went out and got wasted a mere two days after our friend died. Nice.

It turns out, none of us had a watch with a second hand on it, so at 11:59 we just started counting down “10! 9! 8!” When we got to 1, we toasted with champagne, hugged and my sister sang “Auld Lang Syne”. We stayed till almost closing time, and I got hit on by a 24 year old. I told him I was too old for him, and he said, “What are you-like 28?” And I was like, “Yes. Yes I am.” Also if we had stayed just 10 minutes later, Steph had arranged with the manager for her to throw Matt out. Ho. ly. Crap. That would’ve been awesome.

It was hands down one of the best New Year’s Eves ever. I’m telling you guys, the secret to an awesome New Year’s Eve is to celebrate it a couple days later. Don’t pay any mind to the people who are looking at you like you’re crazy. I mean you are, but in the best possible way.

To my friends: I seriously love you guys. You are the best.