Tuesday, August 15, 2006

This is ridiculous

I told you a while back that while cleaning out my sister's attic, I found several boxes that were actually mine. This weekend I finally had time to go through them. I quickly realized that these were boxes of stuff that I had packed up when I moved out of my parents' house-in 2000. When I packed I remember I just threw everything I owned in boxes and figured I'd deal with it at my new apartment. Apparently "dealing with it" meant "leaving it in the attic for 6 years".

Looking at all of this stuff now, I'm really not sure how I lived without these essentials for so long. I mean the first thing I came across was my bouncy ball collection. (Oh, by the way essentials = food, shelter, clothing and bouncy balls.)

I have this weird obsession with bouncy balls. Pictured above is only about a quarter of my collection. Why do I keep these? I really don't know. I guess I just really like balls. Oh my gosh you guys are sick.

Also if I'm ever in Canada I can totally buy, like, a piece of gum or something:

Here's a game I used to never play:

Why did I keep this if I never played it? I'm thinking because it had bouncy balls.

This game is one of those that makes you feel like a total dumbass-you know like Simon and Alex Trebek:

Above you can see where I peeled off all the blue stickers and stuck them back all on one side. I don't call this cheating. I call it thinking outside the box.


I had this poster up in my room all through high school until I moved out at age 23. Seriously. I had a weird obsession with "Seaquest DSV", and I loved Jonathan Brandis. I really want to make fun of this, but Jonathan Brandis killed himself 3 years ago, and I feel kind of bad because that is actually incredibly sad. I have a feeling if he was still alive, I would still be into him because he was beginning to age rather nicely. But seriously...

I am going to hell.

Perhaps the greatest find was this:

My jelly bracelets. Please note the ones that are filled with glitter. I don't know if you guys remember those, but they were filled with glitter and goo, and the goo always leaked out so you had to tape the bracelet shut so it would stop leaking. Man I loved those things.

Just like everything that I loved about my youth, the manufacturers and kids have completely butchered their innocence, and I guess nowadays the different colored bracelets mean different things-sexually. Like yellow means hugging, blue means oral, black means "all the way", etc. I mean it gets really nasty-too nasty even for this blog. I thought the funniest one was for "outdoor sex". What? Not to sound like a total square, but I am horrified that kids today are wearing these bracelets for that reason. I wore them because they were pretty and fun. Whatever happened to having an innocent childhood? I guess going by today's standards, looking at what I'm wearing in the picture above, I am a total giant disgusting whore-slut who will do anything with anyone at any time-indoor or outdoor.

I don't know if they still sell these with the new sex bracelets or not:

That's a jelly ring on the top. One time at softball I was chewing on one and swallowed it. In fact, that's it right there. I kept it after it passed through my system. Just kidding-it was my hot pink one. I remember because I was really sad when it happened because it was my favorite. You can't tell from the picture above, but that ring is cutting off my circulation, and it took me a good 10 minutes to get it off my finger. Incidentally if/when I get married, I want a jelly ring as a wedding band. How awesome would that be.

On the bottom are my boobs. I mean jelly necklaces. Actually I had much racier (and more awesome) pictures of my cleavage that I was going to put up here for you, but my dad reads this, and he probably already spends most nights crying himself to sleep after doing so, so I decided to spare him.

Hey check it out I'm Joey Lawrence:

I'm just saying he never wore his jelly bracelets like this on "Blossom".

Other finds include my recorder from 4th grade, a poem from my high school boyfriend, junior high and high school pictures of people I don't remember, a kazoo and a jar of approximately 7 million pennies.

What the hell is wrong with me.


dutchie said...

Nice nails!
The bracelets are great. And yes the glitter ones were the best.
I am running a funny caption competion today. Come on over to Rotterdam in the Netherlands if you will.

Johnny Virgil said...

You're not a giant whore-slut. In looking at your bracelet arm, I am pretty sure the one for doing a donkey on a stage in mexico is conspicuously absent.

I think Shop has that one.

StrangerDanger said...

Oh i have the donkey one, JV...I'm not proud of that. I also have the fuscia Paris Hilton one (along with the blisters to prove it), but then again, who doesn't...

Tom said...

Dude! Seven million pennies!? That's like, seven million cents! You could totally fund like, half a college education with that! Or an entire college education at a crappy state school! You could buy a racecar! OR A SOLID GOLD MARMOSET!


Vicky Automobile said...

Thanks for reminding me of Jonathan Brandis' fine work with Roger Dangerfield in the heart wrenching drama of "Ladybugs." Who doesn't love cross-dressing soccer players, i mean rest in peace JB.

Mon said...

Jelly bracelets. When they first started being cool, you could get the black o-rings from the plumbing department for like 2 cents. I prefered these, as I was a madonna freak, and ALL Madonna's were black! They kept their shape better too! I also remember my mom driving me all over for a glitter bracelet. I had a purple, and a silver one. Rockin! It's sad that the sluts of today have ruined another great memory. I'd hate to see what they'll do with plastic charm necklaces!

hotpinksox said...

Thanks for reminding me of my youth.

ok do I not get it or what. I read Jonathans Brandis' bio and he had a movie come out in 2004 and 2005. I understand one movie after someone dies but two?

Sarah said...

Tom, solid gold marmoset. I'm on it.

Vicky, don't forget "Sidekicks" with Chuck Norris.

Mon, no way you just brought up plastic charm necklaces. All I have to say is...keep your eyes open for an upcoming post.

Hotpinksox, Jonathan Brandis apparently transcends both worlds to be able to deliver performances from beyond the grave. Seriously-hell. I'm going there.

Nessa Mulheren said...

Best Jonathan Brandis memorial site ever. I think I love it because I have idea what the fuck it says.


Golightly said...

HA HA I used to do the same with Rubix cube and show my brother that I could finish one in one hour and the fool believed me!!

jess said...

Bah ha ha ha! I love the Rubix's cube caption. You are hilarious.

Oh, that girl. said...