The weekend I killed my liver: Part One

I don't even know how to describe this weekend. Let me just start by saying that I am effing exhausted, and my body is rejecting all of its own organs. This is gonna have to be a two-parter because we packed a whole lot of (spiked) punch into one weekend. Friday was Gerbs and Shannon's wedding. It was amazing. I've never seen them so happy in my life. Gerbs and Shannon, I hope you have an amazing life together, and I hope you have lots of babies and that they are all girls because man that would be funny to watch Gerbs try to deal with all women in the house.

I would say our group as a whole spent 95% of the reception by the bar. We really can't be more than about 5 feet away from alcohol at all times. I met my friend/future husband Jace's parents and tried so hard to make a good impression, but I'm pretty sure I blew it when Jace called his dad a pussy, and I laughed way too hard, Then I suggested that Jace take off his dress shirt, but leave on the tuxedo vest and tie.

After the wedding we went to the bar next to the hotel that looked like a giant outhouse. Steph had found a bouquet as we were leaving the reception hall so naturally she took it, and we did the bouquet toss about 17 times in the parking lot. It was caught 0 times. The number of petals that ended up on the ground was about 700. It was at this point that Steph said, "Wait a minute-this might be the official wedding bouquet." So she called Shannon. And it most certainly was the official wedding bouquet. She thought she could salvage it by filling the sink with water in the hotel room and just dunking it in there. Woody came up with the much more wise idea of putting them in the mini-fridge. Why do you know so much about flower care, Woody? The next morning we had to give it back to Shannon. One side was completely flat, and all the flowers were brown. So Steph handed it to her with the good side facing her. I tried to draw a picture of what the flowers looked like in the morning, but it just kind of looked like cabbage. So I can't draw flowers, but I can draw cabbage.

The outhouse bar is where most of the shenanigans took place. Ice down people's dresses, heads up Steph's dress, Meg passed out on the bar, Steph and I stealing Meg's fries while she was semi-unconscious, Renee telling the DJ exactly what songs to play and if he strayed she told him he better "stop playing this goddamn song right now" and he did, women undressing Woody, Jace coming in in jeans, a t-shirt and a tuxedo jacket, Woody explaining to a couple of guys who got caught trying to crash Shannon's wedding exactly what they needed to do to become better wedding crashers, Tom stealing Kim's camera and taking only pictures of himself for a half hour, dancing-oh the dancing, and some total effing freak of a girl who kept coming into the middle of our circle and doing the splits, lifting up her shirt (seriously) and shoving her ass in everyone's face.

I wish I had video of what I'm talking about so you could all share in the amazingness. There's no way I could ever explain to you how utterly weird it was that she kept jumping in the middle of us and dancing like a stripper. At first everyone was looking at each other like, "Who is this? Is she with us?" Then she did the splits, and we were like, "Okay no. Definitely not with us." We are all way too old and chubby to do the splits. She came over and did this freak dance about 5 times-one time even pushing me out of the way while saying, "Excuse me." I mean she really felt she belonged in that circle. I think she thought we were all just waiting for her to show us how to really dance. And the way you really dance, apparently is to lift up your shirt in front of strangers. The best part is that she was missing teeth, and Paul kept screaming while she was maybe a foot away, "She's missing teeth! Seriously look-she's missing teeth!"

I think my favorite part of the night was when we left the bar and all I wanted to do was pass out in a bed, and we got back to the room and Meg-who had gone to bed an hour and a half earlier-had deadbolted the door. That was fantastic. I can't decide what was more fun-sitting out in the hallway for a half hour, calling the room 7 times, calling Meg's phone 25 million times or Woody running down to the front desk twice. I totally had to yell at some lady who told us to be quiet because we were being so loud. I don't know what she was talking about I mean it was only 2:30am, and we were punching and kicking the door and screaming obscenities. At one point we lost focus on our task because the guy in the room across the hall was having an argument with his girlfriend/wife about how she never wants to have sex with him. So we sat outside his room and listened in, and okay I know it's your own business, girlfriend/wife, but if it's true that you just "lay there like a log", you should really step it up.

When we finally got in the room because of the nice front desk lady, I went in ready to beat some ass thinking both Steph and Meg were in there. But Steph wasn't there. She had left the bar an hour earlier, and now she wasn't in the room. The only logical conclusion was that she was dead. Raped and dead, and it was Meg's fault for locking us out of the room. Woody, Mr. Rational and Good at Flower Care While Under the Influence, knowing Steph, called Jace at the bar and sure enough she was still there. She had never left. Even though she said bye to me. I think that girl might have an alcohol problem. So anyway, we ended up sparing Meg's life, though-truth be told-I have never come that close to committing homicide. The next day she said, "Whoops-at least I'm safety conscious." You shut the hell up, Meg. You shut it. She bought us bottled water, though, so it was all fine after that. Yes it's that easy to get back on my good side-buy me stuff. I'm a total whore.

The next morning Bob and Carrie thought their car was stolen then Bob remembered he moved it in the middle of the night. Then I had to drive an hour and a half home with the worst headache ever. A mere hour and a half after getting home I had to be at Steph's house to go to an all day outdoor all you can drink party. But we will discuss that next time. I feel drunk just thinking about it.