Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I accidentally cross dressed.

Oh you guys. So much to talk about.

1. The underwear I wore yesterday was not designed for the human form. Let's just say I went on a couple more digging expeditions than I had planned for. I threw this one up here first to make everyone uncomfortable right off the bat.

2. Merry Christmas! Oh it's April 10th, you say, and not the end of December? Then how come it's an effing winter wonderland outside. Is it ever going to stop snowing ever!?

3. Special message for the new girl at Boston Market: I loved you in Mean Girls. You were so funny when you tried to predict the weather with your boobs. Oh that wasn't you? Well you're as dumb as that girl so you could see why I got confused. Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this job isn't that hard. I tell you I want chicken and you tell the guy standing behind you that I want chicken. Then I say I want vegetables and macaroni and cheese, and you literally just put those things on the plate. I know you know what macaroni and cheese is. Come on, sweetheart. Just put the mac and cheese on the plate. You don't need to look at your coworker. I know you can do this. Just put it on the plate. Seriously give me the fucking mac and cheese.

4. Ryan Reynolds, what the fuck is this? Nothing about this is okay. Step away from the pointy face, darlin'. Why do you have the worst taste in women?

5. All I have to say is if you are not watching "30 Rock" you are a goddamn moron. Thursday night I almost blew a blood vessel when I saw Will Arnett in that short bathrobe "that he cut himself". Then when he, a gay man, told Alec Baldwin, "You're goin' down." and Alec Baldwin said, "I don't do that." I died and went to heaven. Seriously this show is brilliant.

6. I hope everyone who celebrates it had a nice Easter. Mine was very nice especially when while in line at brunch this older lady walked by, tripped and fell and smashed her face into the corner of a table. No effing lie. It was horrifying. But even more horrifying was the annoying lady who got up in her face and started yelling-nay screaming-for ice and telling her to lay on her back with her knees up (wtf). Turns out the lady did not smash her face even though she was holding it like she did. She hit her arm and was trying to stand up and the crazy lady was in her face literally screaming, "Can you just sit for me. Just sit up. Don't try to get up. WE NEED ICE!!! You're just embarassed right now but you shouldn't be!! We've all done this!!!" I'm using an inordinate amount of exclamation points, but it still doesn't convey just how loud this lady was. The lady who fell was just like, "I don't want ice. I'm fine. Can you just help me up please?" "YOU'LL GET A BRUISE IF YOU DON'T HAVE ICE!!! DON'T BE EMBARASSED!!!" Okay look, loud lady, no one here is embarassed, but maybe you should be.

7. I just found out yesterday that one time on his way to Tucson for a business trip, my dad had to watch "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" on the plane. Holy eff how funny is that image. He goes, "That movie sucked." I was like, "I don't really think you were their target demographic, Dad. But didn't you learn a lot about friendship and love?" He was not amused.

8. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DADDY!! (It was yesterday.)

9. On Saturday I was the designated driver which has happened twice now in the last, oh, 30 years of my life. I felt it was my duty and obligation to my friends to make sure they had a safe ride home with someone who was a capable driver. So I volunteered, and I ended up driving up and over a curb which I thought was a driveway. Next time I will just drive them drunk. They might be better off.

10. Holy cripes The Office was so funny. So so so so funny. During the opening scene right after Dwight pepper sprayed Roy and they are interviewing him and he's saying, "I've been waiting years to do that. Am I a hero? No." while crying and blinking uncontrollably I almost died from choking to death. I couldn't believe all the weapons he kept velcroed underneath his desk. Nunchucks!? Angela asking everyone to tell her the story and totally getting turned on was brilliant. Creed's version of the story was freaking fantastic. I love how Angela's like, "You're usless." and, unphased, Creed just turns back to his crossword puzzle. Honestly I couldn't deal with this line: "I accidentally cross dressed." Has there been a funnier line on this show ever? I LOVE that Darryl got a lot of screen time in this episode. He is hysterical. He kept interrupting the meeting to call his friends and he took a picture of Michael in his suit and of Michael's paycheck to send to people. It's so great when he teaches Michael black phrases just to eff with him. Kelly and Ryan were awesome with all their arguing. I wanted to kill myself after 30 seconds. Nobody plays the put upon schmuck better than Toby, though. I love how he's like, "No I don't think Michael put me back there with Ryan and Kelly just to punish me. But if he did...wow. That's genius." Also how excited was he when Michael and Jan were negotiating for his raise, and he's like, "This is really going to be a groundbreaking harassment case when it goes to trial-which it inevitably will." I love Jim's face when he walks out of the bathroom and sees Dwight and Angela making out. He's completely and utterly freaked out. I wonder if that's how he and Pam will bond again because they are both the only ones who know. Oh boy-it was so awkward with them. It made me want to cry. I don't blame him for being mad at her. She really kind of screwed him with that Roy thing. But it really looks like it's over now, huh? Roy's gone. Bye, Roy. You were cute, but then you became a psycho. I'm glad you apologized to Jim. You're not a complete ass. Seriously, you guys, I knew I missed this show, but I had no idea how much. And this episode was stellar. Who makes that suit? Miss Terious.


Segway said...

If you enjoy the madcap genius that is Will Arnett, check out the Will Arnett Research Project at http://blutharnett.blogspot.com

russ said...


Skeezix said...

God, I love The Office.

I nearly died laughing when Kelly was telling Ryan she wasn't going to come over anymore in the middle of the night because he thought a murder was in his house.

i am not said...

I honest to God almost spit my coffee out while reading #6.

ThatGirl7278 said...

Andy is ba-aack. Awesome.

To be honest, I felt like they kind of cheated us on the post-Roy thing between Jim and Pam. I mean, a brief encounter in the break room???? What's up with that?!?

CruiserMel said...

I completely suck, I know, I know, but I don't watch "The Office" so I thought when you said you'd accidentally cross-dressed, and then mentioned the panty-digging as #1, well, I jumped to the conclusion that you were wearing boy's underdainties. Or maybe I'm just crazy. Yeah, I'm sure that's it.

Sassy Blondie said...

Scarlett Johansen is a big whore. She's seen "canoodling" with a different hot guy every week! I don't get it. She must drug them.

If they don't start getting more Jim/Pam time, I will cry. That's all I can say about it.

It's time to pitch those panties, sister. Drive over the curb at Victoria's Secret and be comfortable. And you know people were thinking you must be scratching all day.

Anonymous said...

One does not rip on Scarlett Johansson*. It is simply not done. To do so upsets the balance, odd picture notwithstanding.

*Unless this is some sort of euphamism. In which case, unfortunately, this still most likely holds true.

My Side Of The Bed said...

Will Arnett is a God. Arrested Developmen, RIP. He was great in Blade of Glory. The ice skating clad chase scene between him and Will Ferrel is epic.