Tuesday, April 17, 2007

My weekend's items of note

- Saw the most beautiful man I have ever seen in person at Gusto's in Little Italy. He was our waiter, and I actually physically did a double-take when he came to our table. When he would take your order he would stand kind of behind you and over your shoulder so when it was my turn I squeezed my boobs together for ultimate cleavage. Look I'm not proud, but it was all I had, people!!

- Went to the winery where the last time we were there, Steph informed our server that he was her lover. This time Becky asked our server if he had ever been to prison. His answer? "I've never been to prison, but I've been to jail." Huh? Apparently jail is like city jail-like if you get a DUI and you spend a night in the city jail. Once you head over to county to do some more serious time, you're in prison. Becky then asked, "Are the rumors true?" and then raised her eyebrows a couple time like, 'Get my drift?'. Not getting her drift, he just stared at her so she said, "Like...should you not drop the soap?" Finally understanding he said, "In city jail, don't worry about it. In county, you could have some problems." So that's a free lesson for all of you out there. Stay out of county jail. Other classy topics discussed at the winery included naked people in the gym locker room and people blow-drying their pubic hair. In the course of that second conversation it's possible that the use of a pick and Fantastic Sam's both came up, and I laughed so hard I almost choked on my wine and died.

- Went to a bar after the winery for "just 10 minutes" (2 hours) where Steph and the bartender began to flirt. Becky told me I had to be a good wingman and make sure Steph gave him her number. I became the world's greatest wingman when I gave the bartender her number. He asked her out for the next day. Then he became a giant creepazoid stalker and subsequently Sarah the Wingman was put on probation. I'm not to use my wingmanning skills for an undetermined length of time. Also you should know that Becky has washed her hands clean of any wrongdoing telling Steph that she thought bartender was coming on too strong. Et tu, Becky?

- Played our first football game and through some miracle, we won. Drew says it was his interception that turned the game around. Diane says it was her game winning touchdown. I say it was because Gordo threw the ball at my feet once, and I kicked it back at him.

- Met a guy who it turns out went to high school with Diane and I. We didn't remember him, and he didn't really remember us, but he did ask Diane, "Did you play sports?" Which is basically like saying, "Weren't you a lesbian?" Drew said, "Just once I want to run into someone you went to high school with who says, 'Weren't you that hot cheerleader?'" This guy, Garrett, is amazing. He is an artist. You should go to his website and buy stuff from him. He gave us his business card which is an awesome CD mix of some of his favorite songs with soundbytes from movies like Back to the Future, Sixteen Candles and Office Space in between. Can you say greatest business card ever? Seriously go to his website.

- Went out with my friend Sudha who has lived in New York City for about 7 years and listened to him bitch about having to walk 4 blocks. 7 years, Sudha. 7 years.

- Watched "Eight Below" and cried for two hours straight which then gave me a migraine that lasted for 12 hours. Eff you, dog movies. Eff all of you.

This morning
- Followed an Acura Vigor whose driver drove with absolutely none of the promised vigor. Blue iPod, sensing my rage, played the theme songs from Perfect Strangers and The Jefferson's to soothe me.

So...what'd you guys do this weekend? Anybody pick their pubic hair? Please don't say yes.


Anonymous said...

I was hoping to get some mention for my injury that "all the pros get." Come on, I play football like a pro, that is clearly why we won.

Also, it's not an indeterminate amount of time...it's "forever." You are "forever" forbidden from playing wingman for me. Between you giving my number to stalker boys and Diane asking boys if they like Peter Cetera, both of you are forever out of wingman rotation. It must be a genetic defect that makes you so dreadful. -Steph

russ said...

Buddy introduced me to Guitar Hero on the Xbox, which, like most video games, I'm bad at. Went to SouthSide for dinner, stayed until like 11:30. Our waitress had a whole 80s get-up with a big gold bracelet pushed up her wrist. She also wore significant heels which makes me think she's not a real waitress. My buddy's fiance may have been tipsy when she put my head in her boobs and nearly broke my glasses. We threatened to go to the Hookah bar on West 25th but the last martini had a pretty good grip on her. Went back to their place for 20mins and looked up Sarah Polley's boobs on the internet, which only seem to exist in scarred form. Weird.

Saturday (and some Sunday)
Worked out so my private trainer wouldn't have to continue to be disappointed in my weekly visits. Had to clean up the place for poker that evening, then shop. Went to Gus Gallucci's and bought a basil plant, some parmigiana regiano, salami, bread and anchovy paste (explained later). Played terrible poker from 7pm to 5am, while discussing Don Imus and racial issues and drinking lotsa beer and Maker's Mark.

Got up at 10am, worked out because Kevin is watching, I know it. Watched George Stephanopoulus and Tim Russert (boy was Meet The Press a load of crap -- talking about nothing but Imus) while making caesar dressing (hence the anchovies, yo) and grilling chicken, then off to a Michael Chabon talk at the downtown library at 2pm. He's a Jew and his new book is Yiddish Policeman's Union and it was really good, impressively attended, and I'll definitely be reading it when it comes out in May as well as attending future talks in the series. Shot off to the Heights for a Soup n Salad pot luck (hence the caesar salad fixin's, yo) at 4pm where I bragged about how much I'd done today with little sleep. Left early at 7:30 cuz I wasn't really able to form complete thoughts anymore. Napped and watched last week's House.

You did ask.

Skeezix said...

I'll never forget when I lived in a sorority house my sophmore year of college and I saw someone blowdry their pubic hair. I'm sure I stood there watching completely agast. Why?

And being that I have no internal censor I asked her, she said it kept her from getting yeast infections. Somehow I refrained from asking what she was doing to her lady business that she had to blow dry it in order to avoid yeast infections.

Anonymous said...

Wait. I'm confused. Are there still people out there who have public hair? gross.

Sarah said...

Steph, yes I'm sorry I forgot about your professional injury. Forever? Man, that's harsh. You know what? I am an awesome wingman for guys. Remember Tony at OSU? Maybe I should just stick to trying to get my guy friends laid.

Russ, I was totally at SouthSide on Saturday. I did not put anyone's head in my boobs, though. Okay that's a lie.

Skeezix, EW! This is exactly what we were talking about. Extremely not cool-especially to do it in front of others.

Anon, enough that it requires special grooming apparently.

John said...

Public hair? seems like that would be the opposite of Pubic hair.

Anonymous said...

I think that my brain would not allow my fingers to type that word, so "public hair" it is. Or spell check automatically changed it because the word is now classified as "archaic" as is the concept.

Johnny Virgil said...

tyou know what, you need to name him something different. Naming your iPod "Blue iPod" is like naming your child "small human." C'mon. You're creative. Do it. Do it now. Then tell us what you've decided.

Sassy Blondie said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I need better friends.

And frankly, if someone has enough pubic hair to blow dry, I'm thinking it's time for some trimmage. Ew!

I'm with JV: Blue iPod?

russ said...

"Small human" isn't a fair comparison -- they'll probably grow. "Blue iPod" is likely to be a blue ipod now and for always, the only problem being the large number of other blue ipods you might get it confused with. With which you'll get it confused, I mean. So I think you need to be more specific, like "Blue Ipod with a big scratch on the top right full of awesome 80 tunes stolen from the internet". Or what-have-you.

Skeezix said...

Blue Ipod is definitely in need of a renaming.

Personally, my Ipod's name is Henry the Second, Henry the First passed on last month.

citygirl said...

"Anybody pick their pubic hair?" Why is my life so boring?

Actually my weekend was good. My FI-ance and I went out on Saturday night for the first time in a looong time ('cause I'm boring, remember?), and hit the 90th birthday party of my godmother's mom. I wasn't looking forward to it, but it turned out to be the most fun I've had in a long time. And? There were brownies. Nuff said.

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