Thursday, September 22, 2005

I shouldn't even have to be posting this

I was recently informed of some alarming news: only 20% of men wash their hands after going to the bathroom. 20%!! Come on, men-this is basic pre-school shit. I mean I knew you were filthy, but this is ridiculous. I've heard all the excuses: it's not the same as it is for women, I don't have to wipe, etc. That's all BS. Let's lay out the possible peeing scenarios here:

1. Holding your twig. Guess what? He's not clean. He's dripping pee not to mention the fact that he's tucked inside with your sweaty berries all day. How would you like it if you watched me shove my hands down my pants and then shook your hand? Don't answer that. Just wash your hands.

2. The wall-leaner. Number 1, you're weird and other guys make fun of you and call you Wall Leaner Guy or No Hands, and now everyone at work is calling you that. Believe me. Number 2, you think the walls in those bathrooms are clean? Hello--heard of splashing? You all do it. I have gone into a bathroom before after a guy has peed, and it was like a category 5 hurricane had been in there-Hurricane Urethra flooding everything in its path with urine*. Sorry-the walls aren't clean. And oh my God if you're holding on to the sides of the urinal, you're just a moron, and I will give you a swirley after gym class. Wash your hands.

3. Hands on waist. While this is definitely impressive, it's even more creepy than being a wall-leaner. People at work are calling you No Hands, too, and they are looking you up in the national sex offender registry. Seriously. Plus you have to touch the little guy before and after peeing, yes? Yes. Refer to #1. Wash your hands.

For the health of others, wash your hands. For your own health, wash your hands. For me, so that I don't have to wonder if everything within a 10 foot radius of you is covered in urine, WASH. YOUR. GOD. DAMN. HANDS.

*I am not trying to be insensitive with my hurricane reference. I'm just trying to keep my posts topical.

P.S. I hate everyone who told me that Yoplait Whips were better than regular yogurt. "It doesn't even really taste like yogurt!" you said. Actually you're right-it doesn't take like yogurt. It tastes like what I would imagine that foamy shit that gathers around the edges of the Cuyahoga River would taste. You all suck. Whips suck.

16 comments:

ThatGirl7278 said...

OH MY GOD Sarah! You crack my shit up!

And you know - to all the "ladies" who don't wash their hands too (You know who you are!)... that's just nasty! Wash your damn hands.

Eww.

Networkchic said...

My GOD....men are just disgusting...really they are.

diane said...

You didn't even give Whips a chance. you went into it with a bad attitude. Did you mix it up first like I said so it becomes smooth and moussy and delicious?

Anonymous said...

Sarah! For once, your sister is right. Give them another chance. Try Key Lime Whip. It's like pie, it's soooo good. -steph

Tigerlily said...

"Holding your twig. Guess what? He's not clean. He's dripping pee not to mention the fact that he's tucked inside with your sweaty berries all day."

Ummm, this is pure poetry. And WHIPS SUCK A FAT ONE

Lulu said...

Simply fantastic!

And you're right on Whips- SO GROSS.

-jess said...

Ha ha ha... that totally made my day. Men are sick.

russ said...

OK, women need to check themselfs.

I know, I know, it's not exactly optimal. And about 80% of the time, I take the time for at least a quick rinse.

We all can't be John with his OCD and handi-wipes tho, and sorry, but ladies, if you think mr. winkie is so innately dirty, think what you (might occasionally) do with that guy, without any pre-washing but after a long sweaty day of drawers-occupyin'.

I don't mean this to discourage ladies from, um, you know, but rather to put things in perspective.

So there... I'm drinking alone and I'd like to say where the hell are you fun loving kids so I can drink with others... and also, I'm pretty good at volleyball and can set and know positions but I'm not exactly a huge hitter but a pretty decent blocker and pleasepleaseplease someone find me a team...

russ said...

Also, if you find me a vball team I'll wash my hands 100%, I promise.

Rob Seifert said...

Feh. If I get pee on them, I wash them. I don't touch the door handles or the flush handles with my hands. So there! ;-)

RCS

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

I only wall-lean when the room is spinning too much to aim.

moni said...

hey found ur blog randomly. i live in cuyahoga falls, OH which is real near cleveland. awesomeness. come visit me and my friends at bammin.blogspot.com!! we love comments!! my name isn't a link cuz i'm a total tard ass and don't know how or care to fix it, so just type the site in.

the whole not washing the hands thing is pretty freakin nasty. uh.
over and out.

heather said...

OK - time for a new product: that no wash hand sanitizer put it in a spray bottle (I'm thinking of the kind I have by my stove for my olive oil) and just spray the crap out of any man who walks near ya'. Seriously - the "splash" goes on more than just the urinal!

OK, now that we are all completely disgusted and seriously reconsidering ever going near a man again... just remember "Men don't just have weenies - they are weenies!" hehehehe!

The Everglades said...

Yeah, this is a classic post. Most of the guys who don't wash their hands are the same oafs who rifle through the snacks bare-handed in the office breakroom.

Blake

John said...

holy crap I hope you're wrong about the 20%. Ahhhh goddammit I need a bigger bottle of hand sanitizer. I seriously cannot be more OCD'd in the restrooms at work I'm almost crippled by the routine. Also, to the guys, nobody is impressed when you whizz like a firehose. I mean besides Scott. Just let nature take its course and relax. Then you're not spraying whizz all over a 15ft radius around the urinal. You have a tiny wang just like me and peeing with hurricane force isn't going to change that.

babyjewels said...

Gross! I'm a complete germaphob and I can't stomache the thought of what these guys are touching around the office and then I'm touching. This is why I'm a purell nut.