Thursday, September 22, 2005

Letters for September 22, 2005

Dear ABC and creators of "Lost",
You guys owe me some new underwear as I completely soiled mine during last night's episode. How in the hell do you do it week after week? You are amazing. I will make out with you.

Dear skin,
Hi. You're not 13 so let's stop it with the zits, mkay? I swear to God I will Noxema your ass right now if you don't shape up.

Dear guy at volleyball who tried to block my shot but I totally stuffed your ass,
You should be ashamed of yourself. Have you seen me play volleyball? I am terrible. You basically got stuffed by a mildly retarded, overweight bag of jello with a 3 inch vertical leap. Pathetic.

Dear Rita,
Holy shit, bitch. What is your problem? First of all, quit trying to be Katrina, okay? She doesn't like copycats. Second of all, if it was possible to punch a hurricane, I would punch you right in your goddamn eye. If anyone is left in Texas, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! I'll try to send more money after my next paycheck. You guys will need S & V Pringles, too.

Dear Martha Stewart,
There has been a lot of speculation about what your final words would be to the losing contestant on "The Apprentice: Martha Stewart". Donald has his "You're fired", and the entire world was waiting with bated breath to hear what you would say. By "the entire world" I mean the media who doesn't have an effing clue what any of us really care about (getting a 4th "Mighty Ducks" movie made). After last night's premiere, it's a mystery no more. And what did you choose to go with? "Goodbye." WHOA!!! Easy, Martha!! I have no idea how you came up with "Goodbye" to bid someone goodbye, but goddamn that's clever.

Dear bed,
I would pay any amount of money to be in you right now.


Tigerlily said...

Dear Bed,
I want to be ON you.


Networkchic said...

Love the letters...I think Martha's show would have been better if she was still sportin' that ankle bracelet.

russ said...

Hmph. I tried to start in a Cleveland Plays volleyball league last night and it total sucked. I signed up for an team of lone individuals sign-ups, and I guess they cancelled it and dint tell me. If someone has a spot on a team for me pleasepleaseplease let me play I'll be your frined forever.

Also, I hate Cleveland Plays in general and John Teel in particular. he was not nice to me.

I also love Lost and just spent about 2hrs of my work day looking around for more info. How great. did you know that 4+8+15+16+23+42=108?

Anonymous said...

You comment to Bed, god is that you would pay any amount to be in you...if i had a nickel for everytime a guy said that to me...(i'd have 15 cents, and those were all be that same drunk man at the LVT, named Paul) -steph