Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Letters for September 7, 2005

Dear Steve Carrell,
You are amazing. I am a devoted fan and follower for life. Watching you come back as a guest on "The Daily Show" was just about the greatest thing these eyes have ever seen. I will marry you and have your babies.

Dear air conditioning guys,
I hate you. Seriously-I harbor homicidal feelings toward you.

Dear Woody Allen,
I finally saw "Hannah and Her Sisters" yesterday, and I just wanted to tell you that I think this finally seals it: you suck. And watching you make out was painful and nauseating.

Dear everyone who takes 71N to get to 480 in the morning around 8-8:30,
I didn't realize it was possible for so many people to be assholes at one time. Fucking let me over. Bitches.

Dear ladies,
I know I'm a little bit behind on this one, but some of you are still wearing these. What is up with the shorts with the writing on the butt? I don't really get the appeal of these shorts, and, frankly, if you have a daughter younger than 16 wearing shorts that say "Sexy" or "Flirt", you should be shot. Girls, you don't need to give dirty old men another reason to stare and be creepy. If you're going to wear them, at least wear something a little more respectable-maybe even educational. I saw a girl walking yesterday, and she had ones on that said "Palms". Yes, it could've been for the Palms Hotel, but for all I know it also could've been a pointer for her more make-out-challenged gentlemen callers. As in "Palms go here". I think I will buy a pair that has "The DaVinci Code" in its entirety written on them. It will definitely fit. That way guys can stare at my butt AND get in some light reading.

Dear Grandma,
I know you are probably going crazy not being able to bake cookies for your grandchildren or cook for the neighborhood or send me happy email forwards and "Thinking of You" cards, but you need to rest. I know you are thinking of me, and I want you to know I am thinking of you even more. Don't worry-Mom is there. She will make sure the doctors figure out what is going on. Hopefully you won't have to eat hospital food much longer. If I was there I would try to sneak you in some chocolate chip cookies and Jello Jigglers. Please get better soon. I love you so much.

12 comments:

Johnny Virgil said...

hope grandma feels better.

Hey, maybe you can buy her some of those pants that say "juicy" on the back. Those seem to be very popular with the older folk here in NY.

russ said...

Hope gramma (as I called my gramma) feels better.

What's up with this:
"Dear everyone who takes 71N to get to 480 in the morning around 8-8:30"
Where the eff do you live? Sounds like the boonies.

Sarah said...

What! Russ!! Have you BEEN to John's house? That is the boonies! I live in Middleburg Heights which is decidedly not the boonies. Dammit.

Rob Seifert said...

I hope your grandma feels better soon. Lmao at virgil...

RCS

"AG" said...

DaVinci Code on your butt...you rock.

I hope your grandmother gets well soon!

russ said...

Anything with 'heights' is usually only 1/2way to the boonies max, so you're prolly ok. Conversely, anything you get to from 71 is definitely the boonies. Hmph. A dilemma.

I saw 40yo Virgin last night, and it's probably the funniest comedy I've seen in 5 years.

slcup said...

Sarah, can I have Steve when you're done? I don't usually mind sloppy seconds. Thanks for the praise and I hope your gramma feels better soon.

ORF said...

What-what on the talking shorts craze. I'd like to make an addendum that the same thing be said for those obnoxious talking T-shirts that everyone seems to think it's alright to wear these days. ugh.

Carly said...

Dear Gram, feel better soon!

Mon said...

On the shorts w/words. If the words should fit onto 2 butt cheeks, look in the mirror. I know I shouldnt wear them, therefore, I do not! Usually, these people accompany their outfits with belly shirts, which are meant to show off cute bellies, not let your belly breathe. Thanks.

RitMeyer said...

I hope your grandma feels better!

My husband and I go freakin' off about the young girls with stuff on their butts. I will read it, and then I look like a creepy lady checking out their asses. You got it, the parents should be shot on site!

(I will choose war and peace for my ass, it will fit too)

Nickel said...

I hope you grandmother feels better soon.

I'm so glad that someone else agrees that Woody Allen sucks, I get so much crap for thinking that.

I have shorts with a college logo on them and some that say "Ohio State". I usually only wear them to work out or around my house. I don't go public with them. Is that as bad as "Juicy"?