Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Artiste

Sarah's running low on blog material so it's time to reach back into the archives to share some childhood memories. Tonight I will be featuring some of my finest artwork. I call it: Sarah's Artwork.



Here is my personal interpretation of Santa Claus. I made this when I was in Kindergarten. Please note the giant eyes, miniature mouth and Hitler moustache.



Here is my owl made out of egg cartons. Also Kindergarten. Apparently owls have eyebrows that they can use to stab you if you get out of line. I don't know what that gunk is by his beak. Probably snot.



I drew this in third grade. This is an eggplant. You can tell because next to it, it says, "This is an eggplant." Is it just me or is this the most terrifying eggplant you've ever seen? It's like an eggplant that you might find in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers".



Here's another one I made in third grade. It's my self portrait. Even back then I knew I would end up a coked out whore with herpes simplex 2 and a body wave.



Fourth grade. This is what haunts your dreams at night. It will come to life later, go over to your house and stare at you through your window. Don't make any sudden movements when you see it. And don't mind it's chanting and glowing red eyes.



Here is a "paper" I wrote about Native Americans. I think this was fifth grade. Please check out my cover art. I chose to go with the multi-colored Crayola markers and awful, offensive rendering of an American Indian. Although this is nothing compared to what I drew on the inside:



Nice. That thing behind the Indian is apparently some sort of shelter, though it really just looks like I drew a log going through that guy's head. If there are any Native Americans reading this, I'm sorry.



This is the pillow I sewed in eighth grade Home Economics. It's an ice cream cone. It also took me 3 times as long to make it as it took everyone else in the class to make theirs. Goddammit I hated that class. One of our tests consisted entirely of sewing on a button and a snap to a piece of fabric. That's it. I got a D. The pre-pubescent 14 year old boy sitting next to me got an A. The only other person who did worse than me was this guy Ed who used to drive to eighth grade and who missed the test because a girl drove up to the school in a convertible, and he walked out of school in the middle of class, hopped into the convertible without using the door and drove off.

I will leave you with an inspirational haiku I wrote in second grade:

Spring is very nice
It brings lots of blossoms here
The blossoms are nice

17 comments:

Johnny Virgil said...

Holy shit, your indian picture made me laugh out loud, and that's not an easy thing to accomplish at 5:10am. Dammit, I'm late for work.

"AG" said...

Where do you keep all of these treasures from your childhood?? I don't think I've kept anything. Well now wait...I have to look now. I think I may have some vintage art!

russ said...

Can imagine having to grade 30 of those reports. Good god.

Sarah said...

On one of the pages the teacher wrote "deer corn" as if it was missing from my report. What? Eff you and your deer corn, Mrs. R.

Sarah said...

AG, my mom kept all this stuff and then gave it to me when I moved out. It's blogger gold. :)

Squirt said...

I'm peeing in my pants reading this!!!

Mon said...

wow thats great art! lol! your pillow, rocks. I chose to make a square pillow. Not much thought in that!

-jess said...

Ya, that pillow is impressive. I only had to make a pencil case in Home Ec... I didn't have to do anything else because I went on holidays to Disneyland. It was sweet.

Networkchic said...

Most impressive that you kept all that stuff...all my artwork adorns the basement of my parents...thank God.

ORF said...

Sarah, don't tell lies. We totally know that the Santa Claus puppet is from a failed pitch to Fandango for their ads featuring arty paper bag puppets. It's alright. We still love you.

also, I totally made one of those Indian paper plate masks in the third grade. God only knows what happened to all that shit. Man, elementary school art projects...

The Everglades said...

Both Indian pictures are classics. The one on the cover page for your paper is like tops. When you are a kid you think in cliches and black and white. Either the Indian had a mowhawk or he wasn't a real Indian, right?

Blake

Johnny Virgil said...

That eggplant looks like chtulhu.

Jerry said...

You had the soul of a young tormented artist. Well...tormented anyway.

Oh, that girl. said...

That eggplant scared the shit out of me....i think I had a nightmare about it last night....

danielle said...

gdammit sarah. you're a hor. can i please have the owl though for my house.

Jennifer said...

Followed a link from JV's site. I am reading this at work and was laughing so hard, I had to get up and walk away from my desk. A co-worker thought I was going to puke and I could not see for the tears in my eyes! Thanks for the enjoyable read!

Jennifer said...

And no, the "eggplant" looks like some kind of jellyfish or sea cucumber...