Krusty's 2008

First: Is it too late in the season to wear white capris? I am obviously a fashion maven as evidenced by the fact that I wear $10 slip on tennis shoes almost everywhere I go, but despite my expertise, I have no idea if this is okay or not after Labor Day. Help me, Internet.

Second: Update on skee ball: We totally won our match last week. Christy added up the scores wrong. Don't worry-she is not a math teacher or anything. Just a 30-something year old woman who can't perform basic addition. No reason to be alarmed.

Third: Krusty's. Ahh...even the name makes me giddy.

This year Krusty's was-shockingly-completely effing awesome. As usual, it was the best day of my life. We recruited a ton more people to come with us. There were about 30 of us total, most of us drunks, all of us too sensitive to sun.

We started off drinking slowly because it's a marathon not a sprint, you guys, but I was drunk maybe 2 hours into it. Obviously. Because the drinks were going down smooth, and I was so excited to be there I could hardly contain myself. Some of us played volleyball. Not me, of course, because I am allergic to it. Diane tried not to play because she has bad ankles, but since she is part male, she couldn't stand it anymore so she went in and was basically better than everyone.

Two guys walked up and started talking to those of us ladies who were watching the game, and one of them wanted to play. We hung out with the other one who guessed our names. He guessed I was Gina. I told him he was right. Then I guessed he was Neil. I don't think he liked me very much after that. Let me just put this out there: I like the name Neil. I said that was his name because he had told us he liked Neil Diamond. I don't know what he was so upset about. This reminds me of this one time when I got drunk at happy hour and told this guy from work that he looked like someone who would wear a fanny pack. He hasn't spoken to me since. That was like 5 years ago. To be fair, he had just totally screwed over my friend Kim who he was dating. It was not an unprovoked FPA (Fanny Pack Attack).

Anywho, after this point, all the events of the day seem to run together. I have no real sense of "chronological order". Here's what I remember:

- Steph's sisters were in town and they brought a hammock. That is just awesome.

- Our friend had a beer pong table and there was a guy we didn't know playing on it and he keep oiling up his chest. Seriously. He rolled his tank top up to above his man boobs and left it there. Then he would periodically oil his chest. None of us could believe what we were seeing. Listen up, male readers: a) don't spend 3 hours at a stranger's beer pong table unless you are invited, b) do not roll up your tank top over your man boobs-tank top on or off, people (preferably never put on in the first place-it's a tank top and you are male but it was really hot so I'll allow it) and c) the only reason you should be putting oil on your chest ever is because you're either doing it for a Halloween costume or you are a stripper at Thunder Down Under in Las Vegas. Even then I will make fun of you, but at least it'd be part of your job description.

- I totally told the guys I would play in the cornhole tournament with them then I didn't. I remember saying, "Yeah I'll be right there!" then an hour later they came back, and I was like, "Hey where have you guys been?" I'm a pretty reliable teammate.

- I made our friend Steve's brother do gymnastics. It's okay because he is a gymnast. It's not okay because he was drunk, and I was only about the 17th person to ask him to do it. Whatever-he still did it because I am extremely persuasive (annoying).

- We tried to convince a guy who was with us to swim to the break wall and back. I'm not exaggerating-the break wall was easily 3 football fields away. We were like, "Dude, it's not even that far. You could be done in 10 minutes, easy." Then I told him I was a licensed lifeguard. He goes, "Really?" And I said, "Well by 'licensed' I mean I used to watch "Baywatch" a lot, and if I see you're in trouble I'll totally yell to those people on the jet skis out there to go help you." Shockingly, he did not feel confident enough in my abilities to save him from drowning to try it.

- The only thing that kind of annoyed us about Krusty's this year was that they had 2 bands: one reggae and one 80's/90's cover band. The 80's/90's cover band played first so by the time we were all drunk and ready to dance (aka, embarrass ourselves and our family names), the reggae band was playing. I like reggae music, but I cannot do the Fake Run to it. It's too slow. So Gordo and I decided we were going to do something about it, and we went up to the stage to yell at the band. And I have to say I think the band was really intimidated by us because as soon as we got up there we started dancing. Mission: Failed. Note to everyone who needs people to take charge and get things done: Gordo and I are not those people.

Eventually Krusty's came to end. And as usual I pouted like a little baby. I hate when it's over, you guys! As is tradition, we went to the after party at the bar where I walked in and announced to my friends, "I'm going to get so drunk that you'll either have to carry me home or dial 911!" Classy lady!

I broke my "no shots except at weddings rule" and made lots of people do lots of shots with me. The details of the bar get even fuzzier, but here is what I know:

- We were throwing popcorn at people. And I was throwing it on the ground while doing my impression of The Ground Round. You can totally throw your popcorn on the ground there, you guys.

- Ty took his pants off. Completely off. All layers. I heard my friend Mike yell, "Ty oh my God!" and I looked up and Ty was standing at the bar naked from the waist down. How in the world did they not kick us out after that?

- Our friend Sean passed out on a couch there, and Renee and I danced on him. Literally. Then I fell into his lap, and he didn't even wake up. I love that guy.

- I was wearing skorts. Here is the problem: Sarah + skorts + alcohol = Sarah lifting the skirt part of her skorts to show everyone the shorts underneath. This has happened time and time again-once at a wedding (sorry, Becky and Steve)*. Well at the bar, I pulled up my skirt and left it there. Like I walked around the bar like that. Skirt up facing the sky, shorts showing. When I showed Matt, he immediately poured popcorn down my skirt. So I was literally a human popcorn container. I showed Sharda what Matt had done, and without a word she reached down there and grabbed a handful of popcorn and shoved it in her mouth. You see, this is why I end up doing shit like pulling my skorts up. I don't have friends who discourage it. All they do is make it funnier.

I have no real recollection of leaving. I remember hugging a guy I went to high school with, him sticking his tongue in my mouth and then grabbing a cab. Thanks to my sister and Drew for getting me to their house safe and sound. And for not really letting me drink so much they had to call 911.

Thanks to Krusty's for being the greatest day of my life. I can't believe it's over. The good news is that I waited so long to post this, I only have like 10 months to wait till the next one. See you in 2009, best friend ever!!!

*Do not berate me for wearing skorts at a wedding. It was a picnic reception at a park. The bride was wearing shorts. I'm not some like white trash ho who shows up to a wedding in khaki skorts, a tube top and a banana clip. I save that outfit for first dates.

Skee ball wizard

Several things to address:

1. Yes I am going to post about Krusty's and the wedding. I really, really am. In fact I have drafts written up already. I know-how effing dorky am I that I sometimes write up drafts? Pretty dorky. But that's how I have to roll. I have very few good brain cells left so my memory fails me more often than not. Seriously, though, I promise. I'm making a solemn vow right here, right now: next week you will hear about both of these. If I don't, there are people here who will have my head (Sharda) so it will happen.

2. The day I posted about the Twilight series, I finished. I read all 4 books in 12 days. That is effed up, you guys. You know what else is effed up? Now I am currently trying to figure out when it's appropriate to start reading them again. Also to those who read book four and didn't like it: What gives? I don't get all the negative reactions. I thought it was amazing and fantastic and I screamed and cried and clapped through the whole thing. On an unrelated note: while Edward is obviously the perfect choice for Bella hands down no question, does anyone else think Jacob sounds wicked effing hot?

3. Skee ball league is amazing. Is skee ball one word or two? I always write it as two and since this is my blog I declare it two words. The team we played against, Ballz In Your Mouth, was obviously 3 guys and they were incredibly nice and fun. Each person on the team plays 10 games so that's 60 games of skee ball. Eighteen games in, this happened:














Christy broke our skee ball machine. I mean maybe not for real but it mysteriously stopped working while she was playing. That's all I'm saying. We only lost by 20 points, but our team had the high score for the whole thing: 320. Oh by the way, that was me. Boo-ya. But I really shouldn't brag because other than that game, I was horrible. I am usually awesome at skee ball, but I am sick so I'm blaming it on that and all the medicine I was on. Incidentally, Mon suggested I should be team leader since I played even while sick. I appreciate the sentiment, Mon, but really I should never be in charge of anything. Nothing good comes from that. Remember when I was in charge of steering when Meg and I were kayaking?

Steph, by the way, is some sort of skee ball savant. Seriously it's really weird. She's a skee ball freak. She says it's because she's from Sandusky which is home to the amusement park, Cedar Point, and is therefore essentially a carnie.

All in all, skee ball league is the best thing ever and everyone should join it. Also Steph's new nickname is Carnie.

P.S. They make you sign a waiver in case you get hurt. I was making fun of it so much and then I started thinking about it: if anyone was to get hurt while playing skee ball, who would it be? Me. Absolutely. Now I'm just waiting to see how it will happen. I'll keep you posted.

I want my mommy

So I am sick and have done nothing this week except fake my way through work and sleep and whine like a baby. But no matter how sick I am, nothing is going to keep me from what we are doing tonight. Steph, Christy and I have our first game...in our Skee ball bar league. Yes. That's right. Steph signed us up for a Skee ball league. I am so excited I can't even explain it to you. Our whole thought process was that a) Skee ball is awesome, b) we think a Skee ball league is probably full of cool people that we want to meet and c) it's at a bar. Our team name is Ball Busters. Steph was very hesitant naming ourselves something so un-classy because you know how Steph is the picture of propriety (see: every single post I have ever posted about Steph), but we are playing a team called Ballz In Your Mouth. I just want to say that I am very excited to meet these people because it's like they said, "What's the grossest thing we could name ourselves using the word 'balls'?" then they just went for it-no apologies. Then they added a 'z' to 'balls'. Awesome. So I will let you all know how it goes. Steph and Christy, I will try not to sneeze all over you. Actually that goes for everyone out there. I will try to keep my mucus-sharing at a minimum instead of how I usually just spread it all around.

P.S. Everyone pray for Nate Dogg. How is he possibly going to regulate in this condition?

Vampires on my mind

Um so let me explain why I haven't posted anything yet this week. It's because I have been reading Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series and avoiding doing anything else. Seriously I am obsessed. Jen is the one who told me to read these books because she herself is obsessed. So I picked up Twilight to take to Virginia Beach. I was a little unsure because it's for teenagers, but I mean let's take an honest look at me: I love shows about teenagers, I love movies about teenagers, my maturity level is that of a 16 year old (on a good day) and I love vampire stuff (Buffy, Lost Boys, etc.). The odds were good I would like it.

You guys, I am actually embarassed at the speed at which I am going through these books. It's pathetic. I absolutely love them, and I cannot put them down. I must know what is going to happen next at all times. It's like my replacement Olympics where I'm actually going without sleep just so I can keep reading. To be fair, Sharda read Twilight at the same time as me and didn't like it. So keep in mind it's just my opinion and that might not mean much. But I will say that if you don't like it something is wrong with you. Just kidding, Sharda. Not really, you guys.

I will be going to see the movie version of this the day it opens in November. I'll wear too much eyeliner and no jacket and complain about my parents to try and fit in with the other teenagers.

On an unrelated note, did anyone watch "Fringe" on Tuesday? I thought it was pretty good. A little forced in some places, but show pilots are hardly ever great. You usually have to give it a couple episodes so they can set up the story and characters and stuff. But I thought this one was interesting. And gross. Um...those people were melting! That guy's jaw fell off! I almost puked. Then I saw Joshua Jackson and all was well. I'll watch this one just to see him every week. Mmm...I love you, Pacey.

So I owe you an explanation for my drunken run on posts over the weekend. That is coming. First I have to discuss 2 things:

1. Did any one watch the new "90210"? We had a viewing party at Aloyd's house. Here are my thoughts:

- It was not good.
- The new Brenda is too skinny. And the dude she's into right now is UglyHot, and confuses us.
- I was so happy to see Kelly and Brenda on TV again.
- I am officially old because last time I liked the high school boys. This time around I'm totally into the dad and the teacher. Yummy.

2. John and I have talked about having our own radio show for a few years now. I can't begin to imagine how fun that would be. To get the ball rolling, John sent this email to Clear Channel yesterday. For real:

"Dear [name of person at Clear Channel],

My friend Sarah and I both work in IT (information technology) and we are, by all accounts, hilarious. We have decided that we would rather have our own syndicated radio program on Clear Channel stations across the country than continue this drudgery. To that end, I'm just shooting you a quick email to get some information on the in's and out's of the business. I'm sure you know the ropes and could give us some amazing advice on how to kickoff what will inevitably be 2 of the most amazing radio careers ever launched, and your support will never be forgotten when we make it big. I suspect that when we do inevitably blow up and pull a 50 share in all of your major markets, we will undoubtedly shower you with lavish gifts and luxury items when we lock in our 7 figure deals. This show is amazing, I can tell by the look on your face right now that you already wish you were listening to our show. Frankly so do we. We are amazing. I think ours is the kind of show that people will spring out of bed with a smile on their faces knowing they get to listen to us on their commute. Crime rates will hit an all time low when we hit the airwaves and sales of anti-depressants will plummet. If you are a shareholder in any of the major pharmaceuticals who manufacture anti-depressants as their lifeblood I'd recommend reallocating your 401k before you send us the "Welcome to Clear Channel" package. This is going to be awesome. Seriously, let's do this. XM/Sirius is already beating down our door and we are definitely not down with Satellite radio my friend.

Yours Truly,
John
Cleveland Ohio"

Big things are about to happen, you guys.

She's my cherry pie

What up! I got yelled at cuz I said I'd write today and haven't yet. Today we saw a dude wearing a v-neck. And by v-neck I mean his chest hair was 2 different colors. White and black and the white was in a V shape as if he wears only v-necks and sits in the sun 24-7 and the part exposed got bleached. Christy and I were scared.

Tonight we saw Billy Idol, Eddie Money and Warrant. and now Steph and I are drinking vodka. This is taking forever to post because of spelling/vodka issues. I love you, motherbitches.

Storms are brewin in my eyes

Starship is totally singing a song for me right now. No time is a good time for goodbye...

Never trust a big butt and a smile

Greetings from Virginia Beach! I'm here with my girls Meg, Steph, Sharda, Christy and Lisa. We just saw En Vogue and Bel Biv Devoe in concert. We are on our way to see Starship. Yeah. That's as real as it gets, people.

Obviously I have been drinking and am writing this as I walk down the boardwalk. I have just tasted happiness in a glass and I just want to say that yes, Belinda Carlisle, heaven IS a place on Earth

More tomorrow...

At least I get to bed before 4am now

You guys, there is a void in my life. An Olympics shaped void. It's been 3 days, and I am still sad that they are over. I'm not sure if it's my age or Michael Phelps or what, but I was more into these Olympics than I have been for years. I love what the Olympics represent, and I love that giant effing LCD screen they used in the opening ceremonies. Are you kidding me, China? No opening or closing ceremonies will ever compare to yours. Absolutely unreal. After the Memory Tower portion of the closing ceremonies where people were literally running up and down the tower and dancing on it to look like fire (which it totally did), I was like, "Good luck, London!" I'm just saying I wouldn't want to be the city that had to follow that.

Also the handoff to the UK was hilarious. Jimmy Page looks pretty young. And seriously-Leona Lewis? Really? She gets to perform at the closing ceremonies of the Olympics? How? How is that possible? I might as well have performed. At least she didn't sing that one song that's always on the radio. I think it's called "Bleeding Love" or "Bleeding Eardrums Because This Song is Terrible" or something. And also I love that David Beckham was just randomly there. It's like the UK said, "Hey David Beckham is a famous English guy-let's have him there." I told John they should've had Hugh Grant come out and be hilarious and then make out with a hot American actress. In fact, London, I think you should just go ahead and play "Notting Hill" as your opening ceremonies. Just an idea. Feel free to use it. I won't ask for credit, but I will expect to be invited to sing at the closing ceremonies. I will be singing "Every Heartbeat" by Amy Grant.

My favorite saying seen on a sign at a craft fair in Delaware, Ohio this weekend where I tried to take a picture of it and got yelled at by the store owner whose eyes looked in 2 different directions and I didn't know which one to look at so I just kept alternating looking at both of them: "Back door guests are best!"

My lack of boyfriend explained

Okay so this is why I don't have a boyfriend. I'm afraid of picking a bad one since the pill is obviously making me a crazy odor sniffer. It's definitely not cuz I'm a loser. Or because I write "cuz" instead of "because". Or because Matt and I went to see "The Great Muppet Caper" yesterday and we are 31 (close enough, Matt).

It's true-we went to Palace Theater to see a Muppet movie yesterday. You might remember we did this 2 years ago. Well "The Great Muppet Caper" is my absolute favorite Muppet movie so I was not going to miss it. We walked in and some lady asked us if we were going to see the Muppets, and we said yes and she gave us 2 free tickets. It was awesome. She must've been thinking, 'Hey-these 2 look super creepy and pedophilish walking in here without children. I bet they need tickets to the Muppets.'

Then we went up to the refreshment counter and bought so much junk food it was ridiculous. We compared it to being 5 years old and having money to buy whatever you wanted. We just kept ordering and ordering-popcorn, candy, cupcakes and on and on. It was glorious. In the movie theater they have an organ that plays music while you find your seats. Then they play Looney Tunes cartoons. Then they play the movie and Matt and I laugh way too hard given our age. It's just awesome. I was so happy.

No but probably I'm single because of the pill thing. I'm sure that's it.