No explanation needed

 

You can't even see my cleavage

I caught a glimpse of myself in a window today and was like, "Oh my God, Sarah, you're dressed like a 40 year old lady."  Then I remembered that I'm 35 and therefore dressed appropriately for my age. And now I'm sad.

Today is Blog All Day day.  Let's do this!

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Season's Eatings (is a hilarious thing to say)

I can't believe all the people who still read this.  I feel so lucky!  I will make you all a your own beer mug hand painted by me.  Oh no?  You don't want that?  Shocking.

I just wanted to get on here and wish everyone very happy holidays no matter what holiday you're celebrating.  As you know this is my favorite time of year even though I currently have some sort of stomach virus, and I can feel it rolling the dice trying to decide which end it's going to purge from.  Let's just say there are no winners in that game.

My goal for this holiday season is to practice patience and compassion as those seem to be getting lost these days.  Especially when some ahole in the parking lot decides that even though I started backing out first, he will back out as well and try to go faster to beat me and then I will have to slam on my brakes and my purse will fall off the seat onto the floor and of course it's open so everything spills out which may or may not have happened to me this morning and I may or may not have had to talk myself down from a homicidal rage because Christmas.  Patience.  Compassion.  Let's all try it together.

I hope everyone has the best Christmas ever and/or the best weekend ever.  Remember it's about family and friends and love and graciousness and humility and getting me an iPad.

Let's catch up

Whew.  I think I've finally recovered from Sausage Fest.  I only needed like 5 months. 
So...I guess I have some 'splainin to do.  All I can say is that I reached a point where I needed time away from my computer every night.  That sounds incredibly lame, but it's the truth.  I was running out of steam and needed a breather.  Sorry to leave you all (all 3 of you) hanging.  I realize no one is probably even going to check this, but I'm gonna go for it anyway. 

How do I come back after 5 months?  I honestly have no idea where to start.  How about a quick recap of what I've been up to?

- Went to the Solstice party at the Cleveland Art Museum where we spent 90% of the night in the free photo booth taking ridiculous pictures of ourselves wearing weird props.

- NKOTBSB concert in Detroit.  My review of the concert:  Dreams were realized.  Lives were changed.

- NKOTBSB concert in Cleveland.  My review of the concert:  Holy fucking shit I love NKOTBSB.  Also Mr. Schuester from "Glee" opened, and he introduced one of his songs by saying that he wrote it one night on tour while he was thinking about where Matthew Morrison ends and Will Schuester begins and his ensuing identity crisis.  Literally the greatest, most ridiculous intro to a song ever.

- Cleveland Wine Festival where we made new friends at the dive bar afterward, and I broke my rule about never doing shots while not at a wedding reception.  So worth it, though.  Chocolate Covered Pretzel shot.  DO IT RIGHT NOW.

- Krusty's.  Oh man I love Krusty's.

- Debbie Gibson/Tiffany concert.  BE. LIEVE. IT. I have no words for how awesome this was.  I'll just say this:

- Our beloved Chicken Noodle and Katie left us for greener pastures but not before we got to go out and get drunk with his hot Coast Guard buddies.

- Def Leppard/Heart concert.  No I didn't go to any concerts for current bands, if you're wondering.

- Cheered on my friends at a triathlon benefitting United Cerebral Palsy of Greater Cleveland and did not cry like a little girl as my friend, who is the mother of a 3 year old with CP, crossed the finish line like you guys did.  Wusses.

- Went to California to be in my friend Squirt's wedding and do some sightseeing and GO SEE CONAN O'BRIEN TAPE LIVE!!!  Check it:

- Went to the Browns home opener where they did a touching 9/11 tribute then immediately followed it with Motley Crue's "Kickstart My Heart."

- Got LASIK.  Say whaaaat?  It's true, you guys.  I finally did it.  I got my eyeballs shaved.  It was totally insane but totally worth it.  I'm Claritin clear now and can be one of those people who brag about having 20/20 vision even though it's a really weird thing to brag about.  Also I got some hot Maxine sunglasses out of it.  This is what I was promised, according to their web site:

Here's the reality:

This is my normal way of saying I'm still single.  Also I still use MS Paint.  Badly.

- Drew's little sister got married.  What you need to know about that wedding:

Yeah that's pressed ham.  And also:

That would be Matt's and my gourd fort, created in a brilliant attempt to protect our drinks from thieves.  You know because it was an open bar so people would definitely need to steal our drinks.  P.S. We also ended up accidentally telling our cab driver that we were going to take him to the forest and kill him.  I'm so sorry, cab driver!

- Paint your own barware class.  Basically we got a Groupon for going to this class where they give you a beer mug or wine glass and you paint on it with glass paint.  Steph, Diane, Drew and I went and, to be frank, we are not what you would call "talented at art."  Every other person there?  Talented at art.  We realized this once we were done and started walking around the room to see what everyone else was painting, and we noticed there were actual artists in the room.
Here's what a couple of our classmates did:

Here's what I did:

No seriously I made that.  Your 10 year old niece didn't.  By the way, my theme was "My Favorite Things" and yes that is a vodka bottle.  Also in keeping in line with the theme, I put a picture of a TV on my glass, and I tried to write "Friends" on it since I love that show.  Well I didn't leave enough room so the instructor told me to stagger the letters.  Here's how it turned out:

Yeah.  That says Red Fins.  Those are Z's at the bottom, symbolizing my love of sleep.  ARTIST.

- Halloween:

This won me first prize in the costume contest, baby!  And is my 2011 Christmas card. My parents must be really proud.  This is how I imagine conversations with their friends go:

Friend:  So our 30 year old son James and his wife bought a new 3,000 square foot house.  They just needed more room with baby number 3 on the way.  Luckily, James got that promotion to VP a couple months ago so the added expense won't be a big deal.
My mom: Our 35 year old daughter dressed up as a Christmas tree.  With working lights.

-

- Vegas, baby!  Yeah we went to Vegas...and got the stomach flu.  What happens in Vegas, stays in the Vegas sewer system because I puked into several of its toilets.
- Thanksgiving

- 35 (ugh...eff you, 35.  Do you guys remember when you were 11 and 35 was insanely old?  That is what my actual age is right now.)

- Girls' Christmas which ended with me taking my wine-soaked Christmas socks home in a Ziploc.

This is all in addition to clam bakes, birthdays, dinner parties, wine parties, charity events, baby showers, book clubs, football game parties, etc.  But most of my time is eaten up by this:

I can't put into words what a joy Trevor is.  Being an aunt is a dream, and life is just better with him around.

So...what are you guys up to?

Show us your sausage!

Hey!  What is this picture?  This is a family blog!  What do you do when you have a friend named Steph who bought a Groupon for fresh sausage and then ended up with so much sausage that she couldn't even keep it all in her own freezer?  If you're us, you throw a party called Sausage Fest 2011.  And if you're me, the first picture you take at Sausage Fest is this:

And if you're Matt, right now you're like, "Is that my area posted on the Internet?" which, yes-it is.  Alas it was not that kind of Sausage Fest, you guys.  Even though I really wanted it to be.  It was a cookout filled with sausage (zing!). And me making inappropriate sausage jokes.  We made friends with a 24 year old who lied to us and told us we were fun and young.  And Chicken Noodle taught Paul and Jen's 2 year old son how to throw a plastic lawn chair into a pool.  Also...we ate bear sausage. 

That...is insanely bright red.  Like I mean that appears to have come directly out of the bear and then placed on the grill.  I spent most of the time staring at it in horror.  That is, when I wasn't taking pictures like this and giggling:

I am 13. 

P.S.  That is my brother in law, Drew, holding that sausage while wearing a wifebeater tank and an apron.

I like Australians

We are fucked up.  Like as a whole, humanity is fucked up.  I think we can all agree, right?  I'm not saying it's irreversible or anything, but I think we can all admit we're heading down a frightening path.  All you have to do is turn on MTV for 10 minutes if you disagree.  That being said, we must be doing something right if God (or if you don't believe in God, the universe) gave us the Hemsworth brothers.

This is good.  This is all very, very good.  Consider me 100% on the Hemsworth bandwagon.  And I looked it up, and the young one Liam (top) is legal so it's not totally creepy that I wrote this.  It's still a little creepy, though. 

Finally, a post for the gentlemen!

Post from the Past: The Royal Wedding

So I'm not sure if you guys knew this or not, but Prince William and Kate Middleton got married. It's true! Not only did they get married, they got married butt-ass-early US time. Stupid International Date Line spinning planet revolving around the sun! What? I'm educated. Anyway, a royal wedding is like Steph and Meg's Christmas. As such, we had to celebrate. We did that in the following 2 ways:

1. Two weeks before the wedding, we held a hen party in Kate's honor. I believe that is the term for a bridal shower in England. We decided to do this at Steph and Meg's favorite British pub, The Old Angle. Sidenote/confession: I've been going to The Old Angle for years and totally thought it was an Irish pub. They have an Irish bartender there! Whatever I don't even care. I love pubs of all kinds. They have dark wood and fun employees and fish 'n' chips and vodka and that is all good with Sarah. Anyway, since Kate wasn't there and we couldn't give her presents, we all donated money to a Women and Children's shelter. Also we had to speak in British accents. Unfortunately for everyone around me, I could only do one by repeating lines from movies and plays I'd seen with British people in them. And on that day that meant Gavroche from "Les Miserables" and Oliver Twist from "Oliver!" so I kept telling everyone what little people can do and asking for some more gruel. Christy hung up some paper wedding bells at the bar and some of the girls wore lovely hats or "fascinators" as I have learned is the correct term for the feathery doo-dads. Here's a picture of one of us wearing a fascinator:

2. The day of the wedding was a Friday and television coverage started at 4am. So obviously we went to Steph's house. Actually we didn't start till 6am so it wasn't as bad even though it was still horrible. Steph had a party at her house at 6am on a Friday morning. Normal? Of course not, but boy did a lot of us show up. I guess we are seriously okay with having a party at any time of the day. Steph laid out a bunch of traditional British fare-tea, scones, crumpets. And pizza. Diane and I were like, "What's with the pizza?" And Steph goes, "We're still in America!" My favorite part about that exchange is that instead of recognizing that Diane and I were asking about the pizza because it was 6am-not a usual time to eat pizza ("Speak for yourself." - my brother-in-law), Steph immediately took the patriotic pride stance. Everyone knows pizza was invented in America. As I said, a bunch of us showed up, including our friends Chicken Noodle (Bill) and Katie who upon calling Steph to be let in to the building announced, "William and Kate are in the lobby."

Since it was so late in the morning, and I am a morning person, I was a pleasure to be around. <--OPPOSITE SENTENCE. I was actually very crabby until I had my juice. And by juice I definitely do not mean champagne of which there was none at this party since it was a Friday morning-what do you think we are, irresponsible adults? At one point I asked if Mr. Bean was at the wedding and then giggled like an 11 year old because that's how I roll. Meg immediately was like, "He's there. They already showed him." Then we laughed about how the President of the United States was not invited, but Mr. Bean was. That's my kind of wedding. After a couple hours of not drinking champagne and me not stuffing my face with shortbread cookies, it was time to go to work. Isn't that how every party ends, though?

A few quick thoughts on the wedding itself: Kate looked gorgeous, William looked like he was trying to have fun but kind of wanted to puke, Harry looked ready to get this m-effing party started, the kiss on the balcony was L-A-M-E so I hope they did it up real nice on their honeymoon, Harry is hot and I thought inviting intergalactic guests from neighboring alien nations was a nice touch:

No love in the elevator

I have been trying to post for 2 hours. I've lost 3 posts. Why are they trying to keep us apart, Internet? Let's try something simple. A guy on the elevator just asked me how my day was going, and told him I was really busy cuz I just got back from a few days off, and I feel like the first day back should be easy. As soon as I didn't just say "Fine", he looked super annoyed that he asked. Then I was super annoyed because what kind of question is "How is your day going so far?" That's not something you ask a stranger if you just want them to say "Fine." That question is too fancy and demands an answer. Just ask me, "How are you?" So we can pretend we're having a conversation we we're really just passing time.

I hate elevators.

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That's what he said

Drew, my brother-in-law, after I told him the story my air conditioner guy told me of the time he found a nest of baby mice in an air conditioner unit:

"That's rata-ew-ey."

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So...what's up?

Whoa-jury duty was rough.  Especially when Alec Baldwin tried to kill me and my son, and we had to go into hiding for a month with no computers or wi-fi or cell phones or Internet cafes.  Oh who am I kidding.  I can't lie to you guys.  You'd never believe I knew what an Internet cafe was.  So I owe you an explanation for my absence, but nobody wants to hear the boring truth which is that I've been in almost constant pain from my migraines for the past month.  So please come up with a much more exciting reason and pretend it's that.  It's way less of a bummer.

I'm back now, and I owe you big time so I promise you 2 things:

1.  Tomorrow I am going to attempt to post something every hour on the hour.  Yeah.  I said it.  And when I say every hour on the hour I mean from like 9am to the end of the workday.  Or bedtime.  Or whenever I run out of things to say.

2.  I'll be Jay Leno-ing this bitch and discussing outdated world events.  Hope you're still excited about Osama!

In the meantime, just to give you an overall idea of what I've been up to:

BAM!  NSFW!  Steph and I drew these at a wine bar while Matt looked on horrified and by "looked on horrified" I mean "told us we were doing it wrong".  Sorry, Mom and Dad.