It sure is nice up here on my soapbox

Sorry I haven't finished the Krusty's post yet. I promise it will be up this week. Last night I was just way too busy meeting a charming young man and exchanging numbers with him. Okay so maybe he's 11 and is my sister and brother-in-law's nephew. I still got digits. By the way, the picture he put in his phone for when I call him is Spiderman. Awesome. Also Diane told me he totally used opposite day jokes on her yesterday to try and get her to give him more cookies. A) I am so in tune with the youth of today and b) his tricks obviously didn't work on Diane. I think he thought she had no idea what opposite day was. Andy, I know we're old, but we aren't dumb, and opposite day has been around forever. It just shows that some things never change (e.g., opposite day, milk milk lemonade).

Oh but want to hear about something that is changing for kids today that makes me so angry I want to punch someone? A lot of parents are now banning sleepovers. Banning sleepovers! My best memories of growing up were the sleepovers I had. I can't imagine a kid having to miss out on this. Here is a quote directly from the article:

"Newsome, a Miami mother of two, worries she's being overprotective, but says the "what if" factor outweighs it. "You read so many horror stories. The kid's father going into the room and doing something," said 37-year-old Newsome. "We just don't feel comfortable with people we don't know.""

Listen, I feel you, lady. I really, really do. I know there are a lot of creeps out there (not more than when you were a kid, but I'm sure you haven't considered that), but making your daughter an outcast amongst her friends and stopping her from enjoying her childhood doesn't guarantee she won't get molested. What is so hard about taking the time to get to know the parents of the child your daughter wants to spend time with. Why can't you do your research and make informed choices? Most people are innately good, and I just don't see how a) making your child miss out on such an important rite of passage and b) teaching her this level of distrust at such a young age is doing anything but harm. Stop hovering and being annoying, and do your homework on families you don't know so your kid isn't the one who has to be picked up early at every party while everyone else gets to stay and have fun. Guess what happens to your daughter when she goes to college? She goes insane at the first taste of freedom and ends up being known as Betty Blowjob around campus.

Also...you need to let go of the whole rated R movies concern. It's going to happen. And yes, she will be traumatized, and it will probably affect her for the rest of her life to the point that when she's 29 and her boyfriend makes her watch "The Ring" she cries and gets so mad that she doesn't talk to him for an hour and when she's 32 she will still refuse to go to a haunted house even though the people working there are literally half her age and probably work part time at the McDonald's by her house...you know what? I'm with you on this one, lady. Good luck regulating that.

P.S. I just want to point out that I do not have children nor can I even imagine how difficult raising a child must be. So take my words with a grain of salt. I am just sad kids are missing out on something so fun because parents aren't dealing with their fears. And also, quit raising wimps, America.

Jolly Holiday

I need some time to finish my Krusty's post. I'll just say this: It was horrible-in opposite world. Yeah I put an opposite world joke out there. What's up, elementary school? Seriously, though, when I have trouble piecing together the day, you know it was a good time. While you are waiting, a good way to spend your time would probably be to donate to the Malachi House. I don't get too serious often on this blog because I am usually too busy being ridiculous, but I will say this and then we'll move on. Hospice is a service in which I believe very strongly. Not only does it ensure that no one dies alone, but the wonderful people at hospice take care of the difficult things-the work-so that time spent with family is quality time. Dying is scary, and hospice provides much needed comfort in the final days. /serious talk. Quick hospice related sidenote: There is a local hospice that holds a memorial service a couple times a year for alll the people that have passed since the previous memorial service. A few years ago they held the service at my church, and my organist asked me to sing. I jumped at the chance to be any part of something so important. I did not think it through, you guys, because if I had I would've remembered that I can't even get through a Hallmark commercial without having a complete breakdown. So I went to the service, sat in the front row and within 3 minutes was a complete mess. Like I literally couldn't stop the tears, and I didn't even know any of the people being honored. I somehow pulled it together to sing a couple songs then I sat down and continued on with my meltdown. The best part is that I made my sister and B (my bf at the time) come and watch me sing. At one point I looked back at them, and their faces were just frozen in horror. Awesome.

Switching gears, on Thursday we went to see Mary Poppins-the musical version. My parents had gone the night before and called us on the way home to tell us they were buying us tickets because we HAD to go. Then they actually did buy us tickets. My parents rule. Also Cleveland rules for loving and appreciating the arts like it does. I love you, Cleveland! Here is my 5 word review of Mary Poppins: holy effing eff it's amazing. Seriously if you like musical theater, you must see this. The costumes, the sets, the choreography, the effects-they were all so elaborate and perfectly done. And the talent-oh my God the talent on that stage. Plus it's fun. Really, really fun. There were a ton of kids there, and normally I would say that all that does is make me want to stay home, but all it did was make it more fun. I think Diane, Drew and I might have turned into a bunch of 7 year olds. That's certainly how I felt-well except for the fact that the State Theater was built back when the average height of a human was like 4'10". I wanted to cut off my legs at the knee just to get some leg room, but the discomfort was totally and completely worth it. "Step in Time" was so good I almost cried. On the way back to the car, Diane lamented the fact that Mary and Bert did not end up together. And Drew was like, "Come on-Mary has a Bert in every city." See how we can take the childhood innocence out of anything?

So a couple weeks ago I told you that I match my eyeshadow to my clothes which is a big no-no. Well, this girl on my team is like 24 and totally gorgeous and sweet, and she just came over and was like, "OMG your eyeshadow matches your shirt so well! It looks awesome!" Then I felt dumb and told her that I know you're not supposed to match your makeup to your clothes, but I always have. Then she goes, "Really? My mom used to be a model and they would always tell her to match her eye makeup to her clothes." I had decided this a) justifies how I wear my makeup and b) makes me a model. I told this exact thing to my girlfriends, and this is what Steph wrote back, "Let's see, if MOM was a model, and daughter is in her twenties, then her make-up expertise is roughly accurate as of 1980. So yes, if you want to be a model with a look from 30 years ago, match your make-up to your shirt." Damn you and your math/logical reasoning skills, Steph.

I am a huge jerk

Sunday Diane, Drew and I went to Target. On our way out to the car we noticed that the car to the left of Diane's had party plates. If you are not familiar with party plates, in Ohio there's a law that if you get a certain number of DUIs you have to put these yellow license plates on your car to indicate that you are a repeat DUI offender. We obviously call them party plates.

So to the left of Diane's car was a car with party plates, and all three of us were like, "Whoo-hoo! Party plates! Ha-ha!" Then I looked at the car to the right of Diane's and that one had a vanity plate that basically said "God Bless". I stopped and pointed at both cars and said, "Look-it's like you have two ends of the spectrum here on either side of your car-God and drunk!" As I was saying it, Drew started giving me a look. I knew exactly what it meant: the party plates girl was right behind us. She had followed us out of the store, and there is absolutely no way she didn't hear what I said. Literally no way. So I did the mature thing and immediately walked back into the store. Drew and Diane came in a couple seconds later laughing their asses off.

I felt really bad, and Diane was like, "She probably didn't even hear you. She was looking in her purse." Drew goes, "No she definitely heard you. But don't worry about it. She was so hammered she didn't even know what was going on." That made me laugh really hard which compounded my guilt so if you're out there, Party Plates girl, I'm sorry! If it makes you feel any better I was nursing a severe hangover which was the result of a wedding the night before where I drank my weight in vodka and stayed at a hotel instead of getting behind the wheel. Whoops-I'm even a judgmental ahole in my apologies. Seriously though, I'm sorry. Glass houses and all that.

It's a Major Award!

So the wonderful Whiskey Girl gave me an award which is a fancy way of tagging me for an Internet meme (is that the right word?), I think. But I totally appreciate it because I never win awards so I will promptly begin bragging about this.

I am supposed to tell you 10 things about me that you don't know. I'm just going to put this out there right now: I've been writing this thing for 4 and a half years, and there is not much you don't know about me. So this is just going to be a random list of 10 things. Also I'm supposed to award 10 other people and have them do this, but I am horrible and probably won't do that either. Seriously my laziness is disgusting.

1. I love the show iCarly on Nickelodeon. It's for little kids of which I have none. I have no defense for this except the show is freaking hilarious, Spencer is adorable (he's the adult on the show so I'm not creepy) and Keith and John (37 year old men) are the ones who told me to watch it because it was so good. And Keith doesn't even have any kids.

2. As you know, I suffer from migraines. In fact last night and this morning I was/am suffering from a doozy so I just want to crawl into the backseat of my car and cry. Anyway migraine pain doesn't always hurt in the same exact place so I give names to all the different pain configurations. Examples:
- The Sunglasses - all in my sinus and eye area.
- The Crown - all around my head in a circle.
- The Vice - on both sides of my head, mostly in my temples.
- The Yarmulke - the top of my head.
- The Brick Wall - the back of my head. I call it this because it feels like the back of my head is against a brick wall and someone is pushing my head into it as hard as they can.
- The Frontal Lobe - all up front but not behind my eyes.

Today's debilitating migraine features The Frontal Lobe.

3. My favorite day ever in the whole world is the Krusty's Summer Sauce Camp party to benefit the Malachi House. Well guess what, gang-it's Krusty's time again! Saturday, August 1st is the big day, and I am literally counting down the days. Clevelanders, read about the Malachi House and their amazing mission and then go to the Krusty's site and take a look at the flier to find out where to buy tickets. To my new readers, you can read about Krusty's here, here and here.

4. I am allergic to mango. You guys might already know that, but I am too lazy to go back to try and find it.

5. A couple Fridays ago John and I took a half day and went golfing and on the last hole: I BIRDIED. I mothereffing birdied! First time ever! I jumped up and down, told some weirdo feral child with a seeping open wound on his torso who decided to hang out with us on the last hole that he was my lucky charm and made John hug me.

6. I've never seen "The Godfather". I always make plans to watch it, but then I see that it's really long so I never do. Am I a communist?

7. I love, love, love Nat King Cole. His voice is unbelievable. They just don't make them like that anymore.

8. I am really good at putting on makeup, but I match my eyeshadow to my clothes. Girls know this is a big no-no in the makeup/fashion world. But I can't help it. I know that makes me the equivalent of a 13 year old putting on makeup for the first time, but seriously-it matches!! Matching is pretty!

9. Every day I think of a job I would rather be doing. Yesterday's was bartender at a swim up bar. Today's is makeup artist (because of #8). This is probably not a healthy thing to do, but neither is binge drinking and I do that all the time. That's a pretty solid argument.

10. The shirt I'm wearing at work today is so inappropriate I should probably be dancing with a totem pole on the roof of Velvet Dog right now. Which I may or may not have done multiple times in my early to mid 20's. And once last year.

Lost then found pic of the day

Last Labor Day, Steph and I tagged along on a trip Christy, Lisa, Meg and Sharda took to Virginia Beach. They went to run a half marathon. We went to get drunk and cheer them on and complain audibly about how much physical effort it took to cheer for people running a half marathon.

The first day we were there, we went to the runner registration/expo place at the convention center. After about 20 minutes, Steph and I needed alcohol to cancel out all the nutritional/energy drinks and food samples people kept giving us. We stepped outside to walk back to our hotel, and it was absolutely pouring. We saw a cab drive by, called the number on the side of the van, and the greatest cab driver in the world came and picked us up: Ken. We got in and he gave us bottles of water. Then he told us about all the cool places to go to. And when he dropped us off, he gave us a goodie bag.



















Let's first go over what the outside of the bag says:

(When you're looking to have some fun)

Play Safe.

Enjoy the contents.

(When you've had too much fun)

Stay Safe.

Thanks for taking a cab.

Ken's phone numbers.

And just a recap of the contents we were to enjoy:
- Gum
- Advil
- Pepcid Complete
- Breathsavers
- Wet Ones
- A condom

Awesome. I used all of these things except one. Guess which one. If you said "Pepcid Complete", you're...wrong. :( If you said "a condom" and then said a little prayer and then breathed a huge sigh of relief when you figured out that my sad face emoticon means that "a condom" is, in fact, the one I did not use, you're my dad.

It's a Boy!

Welcome, Grayson! We are so happy you're here!

Freaking Out

Please try and follow this chain:

My sister is Diane
Who is married to Drew
Whose brother is Paul
Who is married to Jen
Who is HAVING A BABY RIGHT THIS MINUTE!

Paul has a son named Andy who called me Aunt Sarah once which resulted in me completely losing my mind and then Jen saying, "Well I mean this baby will call you Aunt Sarah, too. You're pretty much an aunt." And then I became verklempt-because my ovaries are in overdrive and because I was like half a bottle of vodka in. So yeah basically I will have a new pseudo nephew or niece by this afternoon.

YAY!!

The Neverending Story: Steph's Life

Update on Steph's recent activities (sorry, Steph, but if you aren't going to blog about them then I have to-the world needs to know):

- She went berry picking in the city, under a bridge, at night. Incidentally this is the second time she's gone berry picking this summer. Note: we don't live in pioneer times.

- She went to a Josh Ritter concert with a friend who's a fan. After the concert she was leaning up against a wall while her friend bought a poster and stole the song list. She was approached by a man she sort of recognized, but she couldn't place him. It was Josh Ritter. She had just watched him sing on a stage for 2 hours and "couldn't place him". Somehow they ended up talking to each other in Irish accents, and then he invited her and her friend backstage and they hung out on the tour bus.

- She was bored one Sunday so she hopped in the car and started driving east. An hour and a half later, she pulled off the highway, found an old fashioned soda shop and shortly thereafter ended up on a 2 and a half hour self guided tour of Ohio's covered bridges with 4 senior citizens that she did not know. Look-I can't explain Steph, I can only inform you of her exploits.

- And the latest...she got us included in a golf scramble* put together by a guy we do not know. Now to be fair, John and Keith really invited us (after Steph told them how much she would enjoy going) because it's their friend from high school. It's not like we met a stranger and got invited. But the guy who runs the scramble comes home from Oregon like once a year to do this with his friends and family so we had no business being there. Oh but we were. We totally crashed it. We played in the golf scramble and then Shamus, the guy who put it together, invited us back to his parents' house for a cookout where we brought no food and no drinks to offer them. We are horrible. Also my team won the scramble, and they included my name on the annual winners plaque. I am such an intruder! We really didn't feel right being there, but everyone was so welcoming and lovely and yelled at us for apologizing for not bringing anything and said they expected to see us next year. Also when we went to leave, Shamus's mom told Steph she couldn't leave without drinking this coffee she got from Hawaii. She brought it out, poured it in a mug for her and then told her to just take the mug with her. They would "get it later". She just handed Steph, a girl she had just met, her dishware to take with her. Also one of the guys that was on my team friended me on Facebook. I LOVE these people, you guys. After that we went back to John's house where we immediately walked over to his neighbor's house and crashed the party that he was having. Apparently Steph and I just don't wait for invitations anymore. We just show up. They will probably make a hit movie about us starring Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson.

P.S. One of the women at the party just opened up a bakery called Blackbird Baking Company in Lakewood with her husband. She brought a bunch of different breads and desserts from the shop, and I almost died of an overdose of awesome. Everyone in the Cleveland area needs to go there. They have, literally, the most delicious peanut butter cookies I have ever eaten. I also ate olive bread (scrumptious) and something chocolate (mouth watering). But seriously, you guys-the peanut butter cookies (I saw God).

*A quick note on Steph's past golf experience. She had a set of clubs, played once, got pissed and gave them away to her best friend in Pittsburgh. A month ago, she wanted to go to the driving range with Matt and Woody so she showed up with 4 clubs she bought at Goodwill. Saturday, on the way to my house to pick me up to go to the scramble, she stopped at Walmart to buy a set of clubs. They didn't have them, but she bought a bag. So she showed up at my house with a new golf bag, 4 old clubs and like 2 golf umbrellas. I love Steph.

Ride into the Danger Zone

Scene: Hollywood Video*

"Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins starts playing. Immediately, without thinking, I start to sing and the following goes through my head:

- "This is Ghost Rider requesting a flyby."
- "Son, your ego is writing checks your body can't cash."
- "Hey, Goose, you big stud! Take me to bed or lose me forever!"
- "You can be my wingman any time."

Nearby high school girl to her 2 friends (1 boy, 1 girl): "This song reminds me of that one old movie."
Her friends: ...
HSG: "You know the one with what's-his-face? Tom Cruise? And he's like flying."
Her friends: ...
HSG: "Aw come on..."
Boy HS Friend: "Top Gun?"
HSG: "Top Gun!"
Girl HS Friend: "What?"

My hip immediately breaks because I am so old.

*Horribly embarassing sidenote: I was there trying to find this movie.

Things I found out recently

- My dad stole a route 69 sign when he was in college

- I really loathe the sound of acrylic nails being tapped on a table. Like it makes me homicidal.

- When presented with cookout food, I will just keep eating and eating until I either fall asleep or someone takes the food away from me.

- I am an amazing golfer. Okay this one's not really true, I just wanted to find a way to squeeze in telling you that I totally got par on a par 3 hole on Sunday. I know that isn't a big deal for most people, but it is huge for me so praise me immediately.

- Apparently 3 year olds don't really have any idea who their mom is. A couple weeks ago Steph, Christy and I were at Wade Oval Wednesday sitting on a blanket drinking wine-it was really romantic. All of a sudden I felt two little hands on my shoulders. I turned around, and there was a little kid standing there yelling something. I had no idea what he was saying or why I was being accosted by him, but I have been accosted by less quality men before-and certainly less cute. Then he wrapped his arms around my neck and gave me a big hug at which point I realized his mother was sitting on the blanket next to us and he thought I was her. Once he realized I wasn't his mom, without missing a beat and completely unaffected by his mistake, he walked over to her and started yelling the same thing. About 10 seconds later his dad walked up almost in tears he was laughing so hard. Ways in which I looked like his mom: we are both female. I'm serious that was it. She had on glasses, I didn't. Her hair was straight and shoulderlength, mine was curly that day and long. Later on his dad came up with their younger son and said, "I thought I should introduce you to our other child since you are the other mommy." I waved hi and the little kid pointed at his mother and said, "Mommy?" It's like he was saying, "So listen you don't look like my mom, but my brother was kind of all over you, and I just need to make sure that I have all my parental figures straight for when I need something later-like if I need to go potty or if I need juice or if I need $20."