Stalling

Guys, I haven't been home before 10pm in like 2 weeks so I apologize for no Krusty's update yet.  I am working on it, though, I promise.  In the meantime, please have a look at what I saw when I went into my Netflix queue today.

Seriously.  Also "Princess Protection Program" was awesome.  So are my image editing skills.

West Virginia, you are special

It is 1:15am, and I just got off of a live chat with a McAfee technician, and my computer is finally back in working order. So...no Krusty's post tonight because it is time for Okay Seriously to hit the sack.

In the meantime please enjoy the most hilarious story ever sent to me by my friend Erik who commented, "If I saw Eddie Campbell in a park at night with pants on, that's when I would know something was wrong."

How can it be over already?

You guys, I'm so sad another Krusty's has come and gone. It was, as usual, glorious. I need more time to write about it mostly because I spent my day today being hungover, doing lots of chores and napping. You know what's not a good idea to do at noon on the day after drinking for 12 hours? Wash your car for 2 hours in 85 degree weather. That was a bad choice of post-Krusty's activity. But I did spend the day in my D.A.R.E. t-shirt, and I totally resisted drugs and violence.

So more on that tomorrow, I swear. In the meantime, please enjoy my top 3 favorite text messages that I have received in the past couple weeks:

From Steph: "Are P Diddy and Puff Daddy the same person?" [ed. note: What's up, 10 years ago]

From Mike: "Let's hope for a penis up tuck" [ed. note: Don't even know what this one means... but yes. Just yes.]

From Meg who is in Tampa for work: "I just checked into my hotel in Tampa. There's a fetish convention going on at the hotel this week. I was greeted by two girls in fishnets, thong and bra. One holding a chihuahua and the other holding a whip." [ed. note: Amazing. Now Meg will blend in while wearing her work clothes.] [ed. note on my ed. note: I'm kidding. Meg has a normal job with normal clothes. She is not a whore for a living. I'm sure everyone thought I was being serious so it's a good thing I'm taking 10 minutes to explain that I don't hang out with hookers.]

Update on my nephew

Krusty's countdown: 4 days.

The latest picture:



















At this point he kind of looks like a cross between Skeletor and the poster for the movie "One Missed Call":

























But I mean no one looks good in black and white. I'm absolutely positive he will be the cutest baby ever born. He was 19 weeks in this picture, now he's 25. My sister's belly is getting big. I told her she was getting fat.

My sister and Drew are still trying to pick a name so in the meantime, we are calling him Thunder. That's the name our friend AJ wants them to pick. Thunder Magnus. Meg and Steph picked Magnus.

Thunder Magnus is going to rule.

Why I haven't drank wine in a couple of weeks

Krusty's countdown: 5 days. Why haven't you bought your ticket yet?

Have you ever gone out drinking and then over the next few days, bits and pieces of the outing start to come back to you in flashes and you wonder if they're real or if your drunken mind was embellishing or maybe dreaming? That was Sharda's bachelorette party for me. It would go like this:

I'm laying in bed watching "Golden Girls" and suddenly I think, "Wait did I tell Sharda's coworker that I wear cardigans in the bathtub?" Or I'm reading through work emails on my Blackberry and responding to my manager, and an image of me, reflected in a mirror, dancing with an inflatable doll flashes in my mind.

That is what happened to me for 2 days after the bachelorette party. Dammit, bachelorette parties. Dammit, wine. Here's the thing, the bachelorette party was in Geneva on the Lake. If you've never been there, it's a small tourist town on Lake Erie. And there are A LOT of wineries there. And we had transportation to said wineries all night long. And I have no limits or boundaries when it comes to alcohol. So, yes, I did apparently tell a few of my friends and one of Sharda's coworkers that I am too tall to take a bath in my bathtub and therefore too much of my body is out of the tub thus I need to wear cardigans because I am cold. And at one point, I said I wore snowsuits in the bathtub. I'll be honest this conversation is hazy for me, but I have the distinct feeling it went on for waaay too long.

The first winery we went to was where we ate dinner, and I freaked out people who don't really know me that well by claiming Diane's baby as my own. Meg and Lindsay bought a sampler of every wine on the menu, and any time they felt one was too sweet, they gave it to me. Which was a lot. It was lovely. While at dinner, Steph started talking about "The Hills", and how she felt about the finale. She said that she felt like she had been invested in a 6 year relationship where she was being honest the whole time, and the other person wasn't, and she didn't find out about all the lying until 6 years in. In essence, she felt betrayed. At that point, my friend Renee turned to Steph, put a comforting hand on her shoulder and said, "That's exactly how I felt when [ex-husband's name here] was cheating on me." Steph looked at her nodded and said, "So you know then." Awesome.

The next winery started off with a bang when we pulled up and an insanely drunk woman first tried to get into the shuttle van which we had rented for the whole night and then into Diane's car, which transported the rest of us who couldn't fit into the van. Being pregnant at a bachelorette party seems fun and not annoying. Anyway this drunk lady walked up to the passenger door, looked at Christy who was sitting there and said, "Are you getting out?" Then Christy said, "This is our car." The lady, confused, looked at Diane and said, "Is this your car?" Diane said yes and the lady stumbled away. Diane went and parked the car, and the lady followed her. As Diane got out, drunk lady said, "Is this your vehicle?" I love drunk people.

This winery had a live band and a very party-like atmosphere. Immediately Brigid goes, "Oh my God. There are so many older ladies here. I'm going to go do some Mom dancing and try to attract them." Then she ran out onto the dance floor, and did a Mom Dance. And boy did it work. Immediately 3 drunk older ladies came running over to dance with us. They looooved us. One of them screamed out to Sharda not to go through with the wedding because it's the "biggest mistake of her life". Classy. Appropriate. This bar, unfortunately, closed early so it was on to the next one where we pulled up and saw a couple dressed up as a pirate and a...bar wench? I'm not sure what she was, but she was old-timey. We thought they worked there. They did not. I love those people.

Here is where I told my bathtub stories. And started taking candid pictures of my friends and captioning them-real time and out loud-to Renee who laughed really hard and made me feel funny even though, let's face it-after that much wine, there's no way I was funny.

Oh also, I should tell you that I was sick. Like for real sick. I had no voice. Just a raspy, laryngitis-y mess of a voice eeking out sound when it felt like it. Aloyd's sister, who is a nurse, grabbed a pen light and insisted on checking out my throat. She suspected I had an infection. I decided a couple more bottles of wine would take care of it. Brigid, who was wearing a really cute romper, calls that voice Lesbian Party Voice and proceeded to call me LPV all night long. Hmm...I was about to go in to this story about how I called her Romper and it turned into this thing that made us laugh so hard we almost peed, but I just now realize it's really only funny to us. And only when we're drunk.

When we got back to the hotel, Aloyd had bought us all pizza and it was waiting for us in the room. Is that not the sweetest thing you've ever heard? Seriously. So clutch, Aloyd. We devoured it within minutes. Then I danced with Peter Pecker-you guys remember him, right? Our faithful blow up doll who's been with us through good times (all bachelorette parties) and bad (bus accidents)? He is an excellent dancer. Sharda, our hammered bachelorette, made him do dirty things, but I can't show you those pictures. I am a lady (see: this entire post).

Eventually it was time to go to sleep so I went back to my room where I was told by Brigid that I was disgusting and would sleep alone on the sofa bed so as not to infect everyone around me with my crud. Then I didn't do anything weird and went straight to bed the end. Okay seriously...I don't know how to explain what happened next. So I was wearing a dress. Under the dress, I was wearing Spanx. For those of you not familiar, Spanx are body shapers. You wear them to help you suck it all in. For about the last hour of the night, I was lifting up my dress and exposing my Spanx for everyone to see. See that lady on the home page of the web site lifting up her skirt? That was me. I lifted up my skirt and would say, "You guys can't see my Spanx. Cuz their flesh tone." And which point I would snap them. I have no explanation for this behavior. I do the same thing with skorts when I am drunk. So after all the exposing of the Spanx, I'm sure my friends thought they were done having to look at them. But no. Back in the room, I took them off and held them up for everyone to see then proceeded to rub them all over everyone's bed. Why? Why did I do that? What was my end goal? What was I trying to do besides demonstrate that I am a) weird b) gross c) in need of an age reality check? I have problems. Hello my name is Sarah, and I am obsessed with props when I am drunk. Luckily my friends love me for who I am even when that means I am rubbing Spanx on their hotel bed. Let's be honest those comforters have worse things on them.

The next morning, any last remaining voice I had was gone and by the afternoon, I was sicker than I've been in a long time. It turns out Aloyd's sister was right. I did have an infection. I spent the rest of the week missing work, waiting 5 days for my voice to return and flashing back in horror to the Spanx incident. All in all, I'm giving this bachelorette party two enthusiastic thumbs up. Would recommend to a friend.

Less than 2 weeks to the best day of the year

You guys, I totally have a boy at my house right now. He's laying in my lap and just finished licking my face. He likes it when I scratch his belly. Ah-now you're not sure if I'm talking about a dog or a real man. I'm tricky! Obviously I am talking about the Okay Seriously family dog, Henry. He is amazing and perfect. Let me just remind everyone what we're dealing with here:
























Yeah. That's some serious cute right there.

Okay, Clevelanders, it's almost Krusty's time! August 7th at noon. This is literally the greatest party/day ever, and the best part is it's all for a wonderful cause-the Malachi House. The Malachi House provides hospice services to people who have limited or no financial resources. If that doesn't sound like something you want to support, head to the hospital immediately as you are dead inside. They have a MySpace page. I don't really understand MySpace, but you can totally watch videos of the drunken bat races that have taken place there.

The bands featured this year are The Curve and Lt. Dan's New Legs which is an absolutely fantastic name for a band. I actually saw The Curve this past weekend at the Tremont Ale Festival which was basically a party in a park where they gave you as much beer as you wanted for $30. I think the point was to try a bunch of different kinds of beer, but it totally turned into my friend Jen on stage with the band, dirty dancing with a giant Sam Adams cardboard cutout. Anywho, The Curve was fantastic. The girl who does lead vocals has an absolutely killer voice, and they totally play Pat Benetar and Michael Jackson. I'm not familiar with Lt. Dan's New Legs, but this is what's written on their web site: "Lt. Dan’s New Legs (LDNL) is a successful and high profile live hip-hop band that has toured many parts of the world. LDNL delivers the most current music to keep the party moving. Songs are merged so there are no breaks in the set. This creates an environment where it is almost impossible to stop dancing." So bring. it. the. eff. on.

Oh there is one other notable thing about this year's Krusty's: Steph is on the Malachi House board now. How did that happen? Here is exactly how that happened: Steph went to a community meeting for a neighborhood in which she does not technically live. Steph sat next to a woman who's on the board of the Malachi House. Steph left the meeting a Malachi House board member. That is how things work in Steph's world. So now she is actually part of the Krusty's planning process. Also at this same meeting, I'm fairly sure she was recruited by a local councilman to be a part of his campaign for when he runs for mayor in the future. Also...she got to talk to Karl, our Segway tour guide. Maybe I should start going to community meetings. Hahaha-that's a good one.

So...Clevelanders...go get your tickets. Let's do this. Still not sure? Read my recaps of Krusty's past. Understand the beautiful madness. 2009. 2008. 2007. 2006.

Tomorrow's post? Sharda's bachelorette party recap. A quick preview: We drank wine-lots of it. I was sick. Cab driver thinks I'm a lesbian. Romper. Spanx.

Grandparents are funny

Last Thursday my grandma called me and told me that she and my grandfather would like me to enter Susan Boyle's singing competition. When I laughed, she told me, "Now don't you just slough me off, young lady." A couple days ago, they mailed me a newspaper clipping from their local paper about the contest with this note:

"Dear Sarah -

Good Luck - Know you will do great and should be fun for you also.

Love - Grandma and Grandpa"

I promptly lost my voice the next day and have been so sick, I haven't been able to talk until today. Yesterday, that very grandma had to go to the hospital for heart arrhythmia. I called her tonight to see how she was doing, and the very first thing she said was, "Boy you'll do anything to get out of entering that contest."

1. My grandma is awesome.

2. I'm going to need her to get better so I don't completely lose it.

Let's end things on a lighter note. Last week in the store John held this up in my face and goes, "You just got Rip Rolled."

Don't call it a comeback

"You are the worst at the internet. That is all. kisses, B" - my friend Biscuit re: me.

Have any truer words ever been spoken? For real, I was not purposely ignoring the blogosphere. I just have barely been home for the past couple weeks. I won't bore you with all the details of how I've been spending my time, but here are some highlights:

- World Cup. So I like soccer. It's a fun sport...to play. But watching it. Holy jeebus-I'm sorry, other countries and new American fans, but it is bo-ring. Every time someone breaks for the goal, the crowd goes nuts, and I'm like, "Just give it a second. It will immediately be sent back down to the other end of the field." And it always is. No one ever scores. Also enough with the horns. But I will say this: I went to a bar to watch the USA game (where we lost), and it was absolutely packed with hot guys. Like really, super hot young guys. So I shall suck it up and continue to pretend to be in love with this sport.

- Cleveland Wine Festival. Considering that 2 years ago I got so drunk I threw up all over myself and then fell down some stairs, I was justifiably scared for this event. However, Vomit never responded to my invitation and therefore did not make an appearance. Also there were no stairs, hence, no falling down them. Progress, people. Steph was a genius and came up with this idea to tell all the booths that her dad was a wine buyer for a grocery store chain, and they gave us tons of wine without taking our little drink tickets that I think maybe were there to control everyone's drinking? Lame! Also: Steph single-handedly almost knocked over a wine display after which Christy disowned her, and then we stuffed our faces with food. Then we made Prego (that's Diane) come pick us up and take us to get ice cream. Being pregnant seems fun especially when you have insensitive and thoughtless friends.

- Eclipse. A big group of us (and by us I mean inappropriately aged women) went to see the latest Twilight movie. Like the movies before it, it was ridiculous. And I loved it. Also: Taylor Lautner. Why are you so hot, Taylor Lautner? Why are you still 3 years away from being able to legally drink? When he first came on the screen, there was an audible gasp that moved throughout the theater. Also there were some frustrated sighs. From me and Jen. Because he had a shirt on. Then when he finally took it off, the oohs and aahs were even more audible. Especially from me and Jen. And I no longer feel guilty, you guys, cuz he is 18. Gimme.

- Fourth of July. The day before the holiday, we went to Columbus to visit some of our family. 1. My cousin got married in September, and he and his wife have been traveling the world ever since and just got home. I'm not kidding. How awesome is that? I can't believe someone I'm related to did something that cool. 2. We had to sit at the kids table. My mom said, "This table here is the kids table. Under 30." She quickly glanced at me and said, "I mean, under 35." Shut it, Mom. On the holiday, we went to the rooftop of Christy's new apartment building on the lake to watch fireworks. We were just far enough away that we couldn't hear the actual fireworks noises so Drew and I helpfully yelled out "Boom!" People enjoyed it. And by people I mean Drew and I.

- Jewelry making. Periodically, us girls like to get together for a "girls event". This time we went to a place where the entire place is filled with different beads, and you pick out what you want and make your own necklace or bracelet. I am what's called "not creative" so I was terrified. Note: Shannon, who planned this event, was so upset that I called myself not creative she went into supportive teacher/mom mode tand listed out all the reasons why I was wrong. I love Shannon. Anyway I was so stressed out trying to pick out the beads that I was dripping with sweat. I finally had to make one of the ladies who worked there help me pick it all out because I couldn't handle it. Then we sat and made our jewelry and drank wine and ate appetizers, and my friend Renee made me laugh so hard I almost peed. In the end I got some quality time with my ladies and a necklace that looks like a 4th grader could have made it. Now that I have been through it, I really want to do it again. The key is going in knowing what kind of necklace or bracelet you want to make. Also bring someone creative. Also bring Renee.

- My nephew. A couple weeks ago, my mom and I painted the nursery at my sister, Prego's, house. Then last weekend we helped her and Drew register for all her baby stuff. It was awesome and scary, and givememynephew. I can't even tell you how badly I want to meet him. He is definitely not cooked yet, but my sister has popped and is officially the cutest pregnant lady ever. I am already an overbearing and annoying aunt as I cannot stop rubbing and hugging her belly. It's awkward when she is trying to have a conversation with someone. For her, I mean. I really don't care.

- Smashed my arm into the bathroom door handle at work, smashed my shin into the side of my bathtub, stabbed myself in the eye with my mascara wand and rammed my hip into the corner of a church pew as I was walking up to sing. This last one was so hard, I could barely breathe, and I sang the wrong notes for the first line of the song. Afterward, a high school kid came up to me to tell me how much he enjoyed my singing then he asked me if I was in Strongsville Cantorum. Strongsville Cantorum is a high school choir. That I was in. 15 years ago. He asked me if I was in high school, you guys. Amazing and maybe insulting? Amsulting? Insultzing?

Four things before I sign off:

1. Tosh.0. Tell me you watch it. It's effing amazing. I don't like web clip shows so I was late to the party on this one. Then I watched one episode, and I was hooked. The videos are funny, but his commentary is absolutely mindblowingly hilarious.

2. Hot in Cleveland. Why am I in love with this show? I'll tell you why: 1. It's reminiscent of old school sitcoms. 2. Valerie Bertinelli is adorable 3. Really all the leads are very likeable. 4. It's in Cleveland, and they really don't make fun of it. Any ribbing is good natured. Valerie BertandErnie is married to a man from Cleveland, actually, and she loves this city. (Note: the BertandErnie is from "Family Guy" and still makes me laugh) 5. Betty White. That pretty much sums it up.

3. We'll talk about LeBron later. Because ew.

4. This is awesome:

Interlude

Internet, I'm sick. :( Everyone feel bad for me immediately. And if at all possible, look past the fact that I haven't posted anything for almost 2 weeks. And that I'm not for real posting anything tonight. I have many thoughts to share with you. But tonight, I sleep. Quick look at this picture of a shark in a jar!



















Thanks, misdirection.

This is normal

So I just answered this question on formspring, and I have to post it here because even I couldn't believe my own answer.

What's in your purse?

Blackberry
other cell phone
3 pens
deoderant
reusable bag
sunscreen
Aleve
Tums
rewetting drops
2 checkbooks
hand lotion
car keys
loose change
2 bar/restaurant receipts
1 grocery list
iPod Nano
gift certificate to a spa
small black old man comb
4 packs of gum
measuring tape
2 ticket stubs from Indians game
mini notebook
1 tampon
camera
3 wallets
5 packets of ketchup
blank envelope
3.5 x 5 pics of my friend Kim's kids
Twilight ticket stub
Sudoku book
kazoo
corkscrew
hose connector

Just looking at this list, it's a pretty good representation of who I am. Oh here is a picture of my purse: