Don't call it a comeback

"You are the worst at the internet. That is all. kisses, B" - my friend Biscuit re: me.

Have any truer words ever been spoken? For real, I was not purposely ignoring the blogosphere. I just have barely been home for the past couple weeks. I won't bore you with all the details of how I've been spending my time, but here are some highlights:

- World Cup. So I like soccer. It's a fun sport...to play. But watching it. Holy jeebus-I'm sorry, other countries and new American fans, but it is bo-ring. Every time someone breaks for the goal, the crowd goes nuts, and I'm like, "Just give it a second. It will immediately be sent back down to the other end of the field." And it always is. No one ever scores. Also enough with the horns. But I will say this: I went to a bar to watch the USA game (where we lost), and it was absolutely packed with hot guys. Like really, super hot young guys. So I shall suck it up and continue to pretend to be in love with this sport.

- Cleveland Wine Festival. Considering that 2 years ago I got so drunk I threw up all over myself and then fell down some stairs, I was justifiably scared for this event. However, Vomit never responded to my invitation and therefore did not make an appearance. Also there were no stairs, hence, no falling down them. Progress, people. Steph was a genius and came up with this idea to tell all the booths that her dad was a wine buyer for a grocery store chain, and they gave us tons of wine without taking our little drink tickets that I think maybe were there to control everyone's drinking? Lame! Also: Steph single-handedly almost knocked over a wine display after which Christy disowned her, and then we stuffed our faces with food. Then we made Prego (that's Diane) come pick us up and take us to get ice cream. Being pregnant seems fun especially when you have insensitive and thoughtless friends.

- Eclipse. A big group of us (and by us I mean inappropriately aged women) went to see the latest Twilight movie. Like the movies before it, it was ridiculous. And I loved it. Also: Taylor Lautner. Why are you so hot, Taylor Lautner? Why are you still 3 years away from being able to legally drink? When he first came on the screen, there was an audible gasp that moved throughout the theater. Also there were some frustrated sighs. From me and Jen. Because he had a shirt on. Then when he finally took it off, the oohs and aahs were even more audible. Especially from me and Jen. And I no longer feel guilty, you guys, cuz he is 18. Gimme.

- Fourth of July. The day before the holiday, we went to Columbus to visit some of our family. 1. My cousin got married in September, and he and his wife have been traveling the world ever since and just got home. I'm not kidding. How awesome is that? I can't believe someone I'm related to did something that cool. 2. We had to sit at the kids table. My mom said, "This table here is the kids table. Under 30." She quickly glanced at me and said, "I mean, under 35." Shut it, Mom. On the holiday, we went to the rooftop of Christy's new apartment building on the lake to watch fireworks. We were just far enough away that we couldn't hear the actual fireworks noises so Drew and I helpfully yelled out "Boom!" People enjoyed it. And by people I mean Drew and I.

- Jewelry making. Periodically, us girls like to get together for a "girls event". This time we went to a place where the entire place is filled with different beads, and you pick out what you want and make your own necklace or bracelet. I am what's called "not creative" so I was terrified. Note: Shannon, who planned this event, was so upset that I called myself not creative she went into supportive teacher/mom mode tand listed out all the reasons why I was wrong. I love Shannon. Anyway I was so stressed out trying to pick out the beads that I was dripping with sweat. I finally had to make one of the ladies who worked there help me pick it all out because I couldn't handle it. Then we sat and made our jewelry and drank wine and ate appetizers, and my friend Renee made me laugh so hard I almost peed. In the end I got some quality time with my ladies and a necklace that looks like a 4th grader could have made it. Now that I have been through it, I really want to do it again. The key is going in knowing what kind of necklace or bracelet you want to make. Also bring someone creative. Also bring Renee.

- My nephew. A couple weeks ago, my mom and I painted the nursery at my sister, Prego's, house. Then last weekend we helped her and Drew register for all her baby stuff. It was awesome and scary, and givememynephew. I can't even tell you how badly I want to meet him. He is definitely not cooked yet, but my sister has popped and is officially the cutest pregnant lady ever. I am already an overbearing and annoying aunt as I cannot stop rubbing and hugging her belly. It's awkward when she is trying to have a conversation with someone. For her, I mean. I really don't care.

- Smashed my arm into the bathroom door handle at work, smashed my shin into the side of my bathtub, stabbed myself in the eye with my mascara wand and rammed my hip into the corner of a church pew as I was walking up to sing. This last one was so hard, I could barely breathe, and I sang the wrong notes for the first line of the song. Afterward, a high school kid came up to me to tell me how much he enjoyed my singing then he asked me if I was in Strongsville Cantorum. Strongsville Cantorum is a high school choir. That I was in. 15 years ago. He asked me if I was in high school, you guys. Amazing and maybe insulting? Amsulting? Insultzing?

Four things before I sign off:

1. Tosh.0. Tell me you watch it. It's effing amazing. I don't like web clip shows so I was late to the party on this one. Then I watched one episode, and I was hooked. The videos are funny, but his commentary is absolutely mindblowingly hilarious.

2. Hot in Cleveland. Why am I in love with this show? I'll tell you why: 1. It's reminiscent of old school sitcoms. 2. Valerie Bertinelli is adorable 3. Really all the leads are very likeable. 4. It's in Cleveland, and they really don't make fun of it. Any ribbing is good natured. Valerie BertandErnie is married to a man from Cleveland, actually, and she loves this city. (Note: the BertandErnie is from "Family Guy" and still makes me laugh) 5. Betty White. That pretty much sums it up.

3. We'll talk about LeBron later. Because ew.

4. This is awesome: