If you're lost you can look and you will find me

- I didn't post yesterday because I got a massage on Wednesday night. Basically I was a complete pile of mush-so relaxed I couldn't even move my fingers to type. I am not someone who gets massages often. In my lifetime I can count the number of massages I've had on one hand. But due to the many stresses of the past couple months, my back was stiff and sore to the point of me not being able to move. So I indulged myself. I have no idea what makes someone want to voluntarily rub a complete stranger's body with oil, but thank God those sicko people exist because this massage was the best. thing. ever. I am not kidding. It took all my remaining energy to not make out with the girl afterwards. Essential Elements, Clevelanders. Southland. Go there. Tell them I sent you.

- So Quietdrive, a band I am enjoying recently, has remade Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time". Normally I would not tolerate a remake of my lovely Cyndi's amazing music. However, I love this song so much that it's almost like I really can't get upset about who's singing it as long as I'm listening to it. This is hands down one of the greatest songs of all time, and anyone who disagrees is a goddamn moron. If you go to Quietdrive's site they are streaming samples from their album, and you can hear "Time After Time". How awesome does it sound as a rock song? Also you should buy Quietdrive's CD.

- This is absolutely shocking, shocking news. I mean...Haley Joel Osment is 18? When did that happen? How is it possible he's old enough be considered a "former" child star? And old enough to begin the downward spiral just like those who came before him (i.e., the Coreys)? Before you know it our little boy will have his own E! True Hollywood Story. He's all growed up. Sniff.

- So people have been telling me I have to watch this World Series of Pop Culture on VH1. Tonight I finally remembered to. My resulting questions are as follows:

1. Why the hell aren't I on this effing show?

Seriously. I am AMAZING. I mean I don't want to brag, but I don't really have a choice. I am effing awesome at this show. I am so much better than (or at least as good as) the people on this show. Maybe I'm not on it because I lack the required number of annoying qualities. Seriously I wanted to pull a Poltergeist and go into my TV to slap the shit out of some of these people. So for the folks who watch it, was tonight's episode a typical one? Like were the questions on par with other episodes? Or was it easier? Because I'm telling you-I was impressive. I impressed myself. And Henry-who was so impressed he puked all over his bed. Talk about a prize. Who needs $250,000 when you can have dog puke to clean up? I put it in my trophy case. Next to my Pulitzer Prize. That I made myself. On my computer. Okay with Crayola Markers.