Thursday, February 18, 2010

Faster, Higher, Stronger, Drunker

The Olympic opening ceremonies were on Friday. You might remember that we did something special for the opening night of the summer Olympics 2 years ago. So we felt we needed to do something in celebration of these Olympics. Steph decided to have a party. Everyone was to pick what country they wanted to be, come dressed like that country and bring a food dish traditional for that country.

Here's who we had:

- Meg was Jamaica. She wore green, braided her hair and said "mon" after every sentence. She brought plantains and Jamaican jerk chicken.

- Drew was Poland and wore a lot of red and white and brought paczkis. For some reason, he wore shorts. He also had a thing pinned to his shirt that said something about polish sausage. I can't remember exactly what it said, but it was innuendoy.

- Sharda was Mexico and didn't dress up at all. Yeah I just called you out, Sharda.

- Aloyd was Australia, but didn't dress up either because he picked Australia when he showed up. Called. Out.

- Steph was Ireland and basically dressed up as if she was going out for St. Patrick's Day. I'm quite sure they don't wear beads and vests with shamrocks on them in Ireland itself. Steph made several kinds of food, but I'm not sure if any of them were actually Irish. She can correct me in the comments if need be.

- Christy was France. She brought brie and french bread and french wine. She wore a beret and a scarf and carried a long cigarette. And by cigarette I mean candy stick which she held as if it was a cigarette all night long.

- Woody was Scotland and wore a kilt. For real. His food dish? Scotch.

- I was USA. Unoriginal choice? Maybe. But I wanted to represent. I wore red, white and blue, a big stars and stripes hat and gave myself a gold medal preemptively. It had a red, white and blue ribbon and it said "#1" on it. Steph was like, "You can't give yourself a medal before the games start." And I was like, "Hello I'm USA. I'm arrogant and I'm number #1." I brought apple pie and corndogs.

- Matt was Germany and wore his grandpa's actual lederhosen. He walked in with tear away pants on then when they tore away: lederhosen. I couldn't look at Matt all night without cracking up. He brought several kinds of sausage and sauerkraut.

Matt does not wear lipstick.

- Diane was Canada. She brought some kind of amazing sandwich that you dip in maple syrup. And you just have to see what she wore:

Some of you will recognize that as Phillip, half of Canada's famous duo Terrance and Phillip on "South Park". What you can't see: she had the cut off sleeve of a t-shirt on her head. It said Molson. Let's do a close up of that pin she's wearing, shall we?:

I love my sister.

Before the ceremonies started, we all started arguing about which country was better. At one point my sister held up her Phillip picture and yelled, "Stick your finger up your butt!" That won't mean anything to you if you've never seen South Park, but I literally cried I was laughing so hard. Also during the argument Meg said, in a horrible Jamaican accent, "Jamaica love everybody, mon."

As everybody's country walked into the stadium, we would cheer. I, of course, stood up and waved my flag (I brought a flag) and chanted "U-S-A!" No one else in the room, all from the United States, cheered. They all conceded they should be cheering, but no one was. When Poland came up, Drew polkaed. By himself.

Another awesome highlight: Meg asked the question, "If they light the torch indoors, how can they show it outside in aerial shots like they usually do?" It got quiet and everyone stared at her for a couple minutes then suddenly Diane held up her picture and yelled, "Poop your pants!" I cried for the next 10 minutes. I have a mature sense of humor.

Um, so, the opening ceremonies. The artistry was impressive. I imagine if you were from Canada it was absolutely incredible. If you weren't, it was pretty cool and then pretty boring. But I admired where they were coming from and what they were trying to do. How effing long did those Indian people dance? It was like an hour minimum. Also...slam poetry? Really, Canada? I mean I love that you were trying to embrace all kinds of art, but seriously? That dude's neckbeard was out. of. control. Those four big things, I think they were supposed to be people, that rose out of the ground were pretty cool. They definitely looked like penises. I said as much and then Steph corrected me, clearly appalled at my faux pas, "No, Sarah, those are vibrators. With arms." Sidenote: I felt SO bad when they went to light the flame and the one vibrator didn't come up. I can't imagine how much time, money and thought went into that final trick and then it didn't work. Don't worry, people who did the opening ceremonies, it was still really impressive.

My favorite part of the night was that Meg brought candles. A smaller one and a bigger one. We lit the smaller one and passed it around like we were passing the torch, then we lit the bigger candle which was our official Olympic flame. It is stuff like this that makes me head over heels in love with my friends. We passed our own torch!

Please note the ridiculous amount of bare man leg in this picture.

While we passed the torch we each had to say something in our country's accent. Things really broke down here. Here are some examples of why: Steph said "Lucky Charms". Diane said, "Poop in your pants, eh!" Woody yelled, "Freedom!!" Right about the time Meg said, "Smoke a doobie mon," Steph turned to me and said, "Are we celebrating different cultures or are we just being racist?" I told her I thought it was both. Our intentions were pure. We genuinely wanted to celebrate multiple nations coming together for a common interest and raise up those cultural differences. But most of us haven't been to any of those countries so we turned to stereotypes. Also we are aholes. Sorry, other countries! We love you! Americans are rude! Let's perpetuate the misunderstandings!

On a related note, the Olympics are ruling my life right now. Anyone else? I cried like 7 times tonight. Lindsey Vonn! Shaun White! It's just like the time I bought myself a plastic gold medal that said "#1" on it for this racist party I went to.


Biscuit said...

Every time you post about one of your kick-ass parties I get all sad clown because I want to be there so bad.

This rocks. so. hard. I think I would have shat meself when your girl said Lucky Charms.


this was wonderful and i heart you. sounds exactly like something i would have done when we all didn't have 15 kids hanging off our asses all day.


deeply resenting bad choices made later in life

Anonymous said...

I had shamrock cookies and sausage pasties things purchased at the Irish bakery at the West Side Market and I had Harps! I can't believe the amount of bare man legs the winter games brought out. I also love that Christy the French woman kept insulting you everytime you said something American. Yeah, somehow it was a racist party. -Steph

urban princess said...

I'm with Biscuit - I want to be there!

And no, you're not racist. The US is the best and everyone else can suck it.

The end.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a great party. I miss you guys! I'm pseudo obsessed with men's figure skating today. Something I have have had zero interest in in the past. I'm totally rooting for the Russian, though. I mean, everybody is, right? He is the most adorable thing I have ever seen....and I have a really cute baby, so that's not nuthin'.


lengli said...

Long time, no comment...good to be back!

I love this party idea so so much. In my mind, there is nothing better than a theme party. NOTHING.

By the way, my friend said that had this been 1995, that would have been the grooviest opening ceremonies EVER. I mean, come on, Bryan Adams? Sarah McLachlan? KD Lang? You do the math (hint: = totally epic).

Anonymous said...

I feel as if I need to immediately leave VA and travel north in order to appropriately enjoy the Olympics.

オテモヤン said...


Johnny Virgil said...

why the fuck can't i live in cleveland

John said...

I translated Ping's comment. "foreskin counter help sexual desire"
Also, I don't understand why JV wants to live in Cleveland? So he can read about your sweet parties in Cleveland instead of NY?

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