I swear this blog is still more than Lost recaps

I am a shitty blogger lately as I've only had time for Lost recaps. I realize this is super annoying for my non Lost readers. However, rest assured I am working on a post about what we did this weekend which I will have up tomorrow. And I will need your help in determining if my friends and I are bad people. So stay tuned.

Aaaand Lost.

- Hey Alterna John is with his lady! That makes me happy. Except she said they should have a small wedding with his dad there. Does that mean his dad isn't the one who paralyzed him? Or does it mean he lied to Helen about how he got hurt? Wait in the original reality did she leave before he got hurt or after? I can't remember.

- Smoke Monster cam! I totally feel like a smoke monster right now.

- Okay, "Randy", is it? Alterna John's boss? Why don't you go EAC? Prick.

- I like how New Locke's like, "Hey, Richard, come with me. I'll tell you everything. Let's be best pals forever." And Richard has crazy eyes and is like, "Um, you can bite me." Good call, Richard. Don't go with the smoke monster. The little kid New Locke "saw" is Jacob, right? He's holding his arms weird like Jacob always does.

- Drunk Sawyer is cracking me up even though it's sad why he's drunk. New Locke is clearly trying to recruit him. I don't like this game. I'm sure New Locke is going to be really forthcoming with the answer to the question "Why are you on this island?". It probably won't take 17 episodes.

- Alterna John and Alterna Hurley. Wait Hurley owns John's company! Best. Boss. Ever. Amiright?

- I can't remember the girl's name who wears the vest. I'm going to call her Nicer Ana Lucia. She's pretty. And she better cough up some answers before I punch her in her Nicer face.

- Creepy little boy in the forest! New Locke is obsessed with him. I know when I see creepy little kids staring at me like they know something, I like to run after them. Please let's spend time together, little kid who is clearly a weird incarnation of someone who is a) actually 20 years older and b) dead!

- Can I interject something unrelated here? This might be the first time in years I'm excited about the Oscars and that's for 2 reasons only: Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin. Genius.

- I like how every single person on this show has to be a little creepy. Like Locke can't have a normal person helping him at a temp agency. It has to be some weirdo lady who clearly has too many cats at home. ROSE! I love you, Rose. Ugh. She still has cancer. I was hoping we would somehow just skip over that, and it would go away and she would be fine.

- OMG they're burying our Original Locke on the island. This is depressing. At my funeral, I hope the person who killed me delivers the eulogy. Whoa! Ben just confessed! I cannot wait to see what his fate is at the end of this show. Like why is he on the island and why did the island constantly forsake him? Seriously I love you, Frank. Never button up that shirt.

- Katey Sagal has a smoking body. She's like 55. How is that possible? If I look half as good as her at that age, I will be happy.

- "Look a rickety rope ladder that goes down a cliff and a guy who is dead and wearing someone else's body wants me to climb down it. Sounds cool. I'm in." – Sawyer

- One white rock and one black rock on the scale. Good vs. evil perhaps? I totally get symbolism (not really). So Jacob just writes their names down on a cave wall and they come to the island. Look this is not answering some huge mystery, Lost. We already knew Jacob was bringing the people to the island. The actual question I'm going to need answered is why those specific people and what for?

- What if Locke was your gym teacher. Mah! And your sex ed teacher! Gross! Incidentally my high school sex ed teacher was a guy from my church who I have known since I was 5. Awkward! Shut up Ben is a teacher! I love that on the island, Ben's dickishness manifests itself as totally psychotic murderer and in Alterna World he's just a douchebag who's really anal about things like changing the coffee filter. For some reason that makes me laugh.

- Each of the names on the cave wall has a number, too. "Jacob had a thing for numbers." No shit. So those numbers are THE numbers. What is the significance dammit!

- So all our Losties are candidates for protector of the island. I don't believe New Locke that there's no reason to protect the island. He's just saying that so Sawyer will go with him. He probably can't get off the island alone. He probably needs Sawyer's body. Upgrade! You guys, that's not nice. I wonder who will end up staying to be the protector of the island. Probably Jack. Cuz he's hot. What's really tragic is that the one guy who definitely would've taken the job without question is being worn as a meat suit by Smoke Monster/Man in Black/Guy Who Was Clearly Banished to the Island for Something He Did and Now He's Just Bitter Cuz Jacob Wouldn't Let Him Leave.

Whoosh-great episode. And a big answer. Nicely done, Lost! However, I will require more of Jack next time. Preferably shirtless.