Sorry you had to see me like that

Are you guys recovered from Lost Tuesday night? I am not. I thought it was amazing, but it kind of pissed me off. Here's the deal: it's the last season, and I want answers. I went into the season premiere expecting a bunch of answers and got 900 more questions and MORE GD OTHERS!! I forgot the cardinal rule of Lost: Just go along for the ride.

So I rewatched tonight with my usual "this is an awesome mindfuck" attitude (also without a blinding migraine). And I must say: seriously what? What is happening!? It looks like they are setting it up to give us some answers. I watched the show with my sister, Drew and Matt so I wasn't able to post as I was watching. However, I can recreate what was happening inside my head at the time, and since I have no idea how to make a cohesive post about this show ever, that is what I have done. I'm sorry in advance.

SPOILERS AHEAD

- Thank God for the recap episode. At least 7 times I said, "Wait I don't remember that."

- So okay it worked, right? We're back on the plane with the flight attendant who disappeared and then became creepy. Jack needs a haircut.

- Ahh!! Spilled vodka!!

- Can I just say that I love Rose and Bernard. Although if Rose is on the plane that means she still has cancer, right? Okay that hurts my heart. Diane is extremely sad about this.

- Does Jack remember everything? Or no? It kind of seems like he does. Why is his neck bleeding? Seriously wtf is up with this show?

- Desmond! His hair is totally fluffy. Yet he is still hot.

- We're going into the water. Mah shark!!! Was that necessary, Lost? The island is under water? Say wha?? After the underwater island scene, Diane goes, "That was bad special effects." Awesome.

- How many times do I have to watch the scene where Juliet falls down the well and sets off the bomb? Twice in the recap and twice during the actual show. Enough! I already admitted I was wrong about her. Please stop torturing me!

- OMG Kate didn't make it back to the plane!? Ew I don't like how her ears are ringing, and they're making us hear what she's hearing. It's horrible. May I ask how they survived an H-bomb? I'm no scientist, but isn't that not really possible? Oh thank God her hearing is back. Seriously why isn't she with Jack? Dammit Miles didn't make it either. Uh...Sawyer and Jack are on the island, too? What the eff is happening!?

- Okay, Sawyer, I'm gonna need you to not kick Jack in the face.

- Back on the plane. Kate's there, too! Yeah Jack wants a piece. So does Sawyer. Ugh. Whatever. Kate is so pretty. People don't actually look like that. It's not normal to be that gorgeous.

- Arzt! Guy who blew up! Hurley's the luckiest guy alive? Is this Bizarro world?

- Okay so it's clear that the bomb worked, right? They went back to the plane, but right before the bomb went off they "skipped through time" to the present on the island. So now there are two realities. Freaky.

- OMG Juliet! Juliet's alive! Ooh-Sayid is, too, but really doesn't look it. Even when Hurley is in an extremely stressful situation he calls people "dude". Also his, "I gotta gun, and I know how to shoot it!" while clearly not knowing how to use it made me pee.

- Maybe in Bizzaro World Sun and Jin have a great marriage. No. They do not.

- BOONE!! Looking hot, Boone. Remember how Boone and Locke were friends? God I miss the first season. Did Locke really go on the walkabout? Or is he lying? Sidenote: "The Walkabout" which was like episode 4 or 5 from season 1 is still my favorite episode of all time. Maybe of any television show ever.

- Ben is like a shell of his former self.

- Yes! Fahey!! Check out that awesome chest hair. Goddammit I love this guy. Thank God he is on the show this season. I am 100% serious that I need him to be on every episode.

- So Jacob's friends who were on the plane and who brought John's body to show to Richard creep me out. Richard looks a little unhinged, and that guy never looks unhinged. Ben just saw Locke's body. And most likely soiled himself.

- What is Jacob's deal? I need him to just come out with it. I like how Hurley isn't freaked out at all by Jacob saying he's dead. Why does he need Sayid to be saved? I mean, I know why I need him to be saved. But why does Jacob? Just tell me, Jacob!

- Oh, Sawyer-we both know you're not going to kill Jack.

- God Sayid is hot when he is being all badass and kicking in doors. Even a flimsy airplane bathroom door. One time I accidentally locked myself in an airplane bathroom. That is just as badass. Oh great-Charlie's dead again. Like it wasn't horrible the first time I had to watch it. Oh wait maybe Jack will save him. Do you think when they filmed this scene it was super weird when Matthew Fox had to put his fingers in Dominic Monaghan's mouth? Wait-Charlie was choking on drugs? What? Was he trying to swallow them?

- Juliet! She's alive! Sort of. God she is not looking good. I said that out loud and Matt said, "Well she did fall down a well and a big crane fell on top of her." Shut up, Matt aka Captain Obvious. Sorry for the 'tude, Matty, I am worried about Juliet. Please Lord let Juliet live. I take back everything bad I ever said about her.

- Okay back at the big statue. Jacob's friends are being very pushy and decided to storm the statue. I have a bad feeling for them. The dude stole Locke's form. You really think a couple guns are going to stop him? Dumbasses. Ah-smoke monster! Everyone run! It is about to get gross up in here! So it can't cross the ashes which explains the ashes in front of Jacob's house-HOLYEFFGIANTPIECEOFWOODTHROUGHTHECHEST! Giant piece of wood through the chest!!! I just almost puked. Holy fucking fuckity fuck! New Locke = smoke monster? Mind. Blown.

- Oh no. Juliet isn't making sense. Oh no no no. Yes kiss her, James. Then take her topside and nurse her back to health please. No. OMG no! For real I have to suffer through her death twice? This is horseshit. What's the important thing she has to tell him?

- We're on the plane now. Whoa Charlie said he was supposed to die. Does he know something no one else does? Is it significant that Desmond is no longer in the seat next to Jack? If this plane crashes, I will fight somebody. Okay no it didn't crash. Aw. I miss Boone and the originals. Oh no-Locke's in a wheelchair. Honestly that breaks my heart. What an incredible actor Terry O'Quinn is. As the New Locke he's cold, ruthless and terrifying. And as Locke he's kind and sad and vulnerable. He's just astonishingly talented.

- Back on the island. Kate's kind of all up in Sawyer's business right now. I know she is sad for him and trying to help him through his loss, but maybe she could stop trying to have sex with him after his girlfriend just died. Okay that may have been a little harsh, but you guys know how Kate pisses me off. Poor Jack. He looks so sad that the plan didn't work. It did, though, Jack! Right now another you is at LAX! Both yous need haircuts.

- There's the guy without an arm! Remember how they kept showing the French dude's severed arm on the ground? Gross! I'm awesome-they totally just brought it up.

- Diane lost her mind that Kate walked away with the light as Jack and Jin were trying to carry Sayid and not fall down the hole. Then I was like, "She clearly has the crazies cuz she's hearing voices." Okay now they're all separated and have the crazies. I am very stressed out right now.

- Oh look-more. goddamn. OTHERS! At this point, Diane screamed, "No! Don't introduce new people!"

- Back in the airport. Kate stole Jack's pen. My head hurts watching her smack that guy's head into the counter. Sawyer needs a haircut, too.

- Island. Please ask Juliet what she was going to say, Miles, because I, too, need to know. "It worked." Creepy!

- Seriously Diane and I are super annoyed by the introduction of new characters. Weird flight attendant! What does she mean, "They were on the first plane"? Was there a second plane? Am I just forgetting? Seriously what is going on. Jacob's in charge. Fine. And he's at war with New Locke. And New Locke doesn't want anyone on the island. Why does Jacob want them there? Why these specific people? Why are they important to him?

- I need Sun and Jin to be loving again. And Jin to have no shirt on.

- So okay this spring is what-like the spring of eternal life? Is that why Richard never ages? Why isn't the water clear? Is it cuz Jacob is dead? I like how the temple people say, "If we do this, there are risks." about putting Sayid in the water. But no one asks them what the risks are. What I'm going to need is for Sayid to be okay. Yeah they're pretty much just drowning him at this point. Um...wtf, temple people! If Sayid is really dead, I will smack a bitch. And bitch, thy name is Lost writers.

- Back at the airport with Kate's boring "trying to escape" storyline. Oh she just kidnapped Claire by accident. See how they all end up being connected even when not on the island!?

- Back on the island again. Right here is when Drew said that Jin was built like a brick shithouse.

- Ooh that guy doesn't like the way English tastes on his tongue. Whatever. You obviously have not heard my nasally 'a' and how I'm always telling people to eat a cock.

- Oh man-temple's going crazy. Warning people that New Locke Smoke Monster is on the loose, and there's no protection from Jacob. This is bad news, people! Oh for Christ's sake, New Locke, was kicking the piece of wood out of that guy's chest necessary? Oh no. Do not tell me that John's last thought was "I don't understand." This is too much for my heart to take. Seriously Terry O'Quinn is just knocking it out of the park here. New Locke wants to go home. Where is home? Why can't he go home? Was Jacob keeping him there? Why is that literally the scariest look I have ever seen in my life? I need to change my underwear.

- Can I interject here and say that this is all feeling a little good vs. evil, God vs. the devil? I doubt the show would go the way of religion, but it sure feels like it right now.

- Miles is sitting by Sayid's body and acting funny. What do you know, Miles? Spill it!

- Poor Jack. He feels so responsible for everything. He's carrying a ridiculous weight on his shoulders. I didn't see anyone else with a plan, haters (Sawyer)!

- I LOVE this scene between Jack and Locke at the lost baggage area. Remember how they kind of fought each other the whole series, and here they are having a great interaction. It's nice to see how they get along without the stress of being deserted on a weirdo island. Is it significant that they both lost luggage/coffin with dead father? Also so happy to see Locke again. I was really sad when I realized Locke was really dead, and we didn't even get to say goodbye. But he's still here, and he's lovely. Is Jack going to fix Bizarro Locke's spinal injury!? "Nothing is irreversible." Foreshadowing, you guys! What happened on the island cannot be reversed! Which leads me to my one and only theory: What if there can't be two realities that go on forever? What if, eventually, they have to converge to become one reality? A comment was made at one point (I forget by whom) that you can't change your destiny. Maybe both paths that they're on right now lead to the same destiny, showing us that it really doesn't matter whether or not they crashed on the island because they would've ended up where they are at the end of the season anyway.

- Yes-more Fahey. More Fahey chest hair. Always.

- "Hello, Richard. It's good to see you out of those chains." WHAT!! Ben is seriously pooping his pants right now. Why is New Locke disappointed in all of them? Did they used to be his followers till they defected to Jacob?

- What do the temple people want with Jack?

- Holy eff Sayid's alive! Risen from the dead! Much like a certain J-man who is a superstar. That's all I'm saying. Religiousy undertones? Check.

In conclusion, What. The. Fuck.

God, I love you, Lost!

By the way, my friend at work asked me this morning if I thought Sayid was now Jacob, and it blew my mind. Please leave your thoughts in the comments so I can freak out more.