Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Rural Juror*

Tomorrow I begin jury duty.  I have never been called for jury duty before so I'm not exactly sure what to expect.  To prepare, I watched "The Juror" starring Demi Moore and Alec Baldwin.  Here is the plot summary:

"When Annie Laird is selected as a juror in a big Mafia trial, she is forced by someone known as "The Teacher" to persuade the other jurors to vote "not guilty". He threatens to kill her son if she doesn't commit. When the trial is over, he can't let her go..."

I'm fairly sure this is how it will be for me.  So now I will watch "The Sopranos" to figure out how to deal with the mob.  Just kidding, I'm going to watch "Corky Romano".  No not really-I will not put myself through that.  Again. 

Actually let me just put this out there for any Mafia enforcers thinking of using me as the person to convince a jury of something:  I will make an absolute nightmare juror.  I can't even make a decision about where to go to lunch without it turning into the most trying ordeal anyone around me has ever experienced.  If someone says, "Where do you want to go eat?", I just shut down.  I will not decide.  John, unfortunately, has taken the brunt of this indecisiveness so when I told him I pulled jury duty, he had some comments:

"Being on a jury with you would mean me facing a jury shortly after."

"If you make it on a jury it will end up being a hung jury...because everyone else will hang themselves while you decide."
Things I am wondering:
1.  Will there be a lawyer there that looks like Matthew McConaughey?
2.  What if the judge tells me to dismiss something I just heard?  How can I do that?  I can't unhear something.  Like I can't unhear the Daughtry remake of "Photograph".  It's in there.
3.  Will I get a chance to say, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"?

4.  Can I use this technique to get out of jury duty?

*Tell me you watch "30 Rock".

Friday, April 15, 2011

Words of the day

supermassive black hole - noun - the largest type of black hole, formed when two or more galaxies collide.

Example 1: At the center of the milky way sits a supermassive black hole.
Example 2: The song "Supermassive Black Hole" by Muse kicks serious ass.

superboyband - noun - the largest type of boy band, formed when two or more amazing boy bands, picked directly out of Sarah's dreams, collide.

Example 1: The New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys have come together to form a superboyband called NKOTBSB.
Example 2: I am so excited to see the superboyband, NKOTBSB, on tour and to hear their new album (!) that I think I need a change of underwear.
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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Sometimes the blog writes itself

Today we have what is essentially a guest blogger because I am just copying and pasting an email Steph sent us on Thursday.  The set up:  Steph and Meg babysat my nephew Trevor Wednesday night.  Thursday morning we all received this email:

So last night, the Babysitter’s Club volunteered to watch Trevor. When Drew and Diane came home before 11, admittedly, the babysitters were both asleep on the couches. Hey, Steph and Meg aren’t as young and fun and full of energy as we were when we were young…which it seems Trev had a problem with. I was looking at my cell phone today and it appears when we fell asleep, Trev had quite a wild night. I swung by daycare on my way to the office to ask him about it this morning and this is what he told me.

He said he had to escape the constant supervision of his ever so serious and responsible and appropriate and amazing babysitters and snuck out of the house to have a night on the town. He decided to start the night with a Peep show, but somehow found himself pulled up on the stage.



“Hey, what do you expect to happen when you are a chick magnet?”



The chicks were sweet and he admittedly drooled over them…


Then Trevor met some Playboy bunnies and they gifted him an official set of bunny ears.



He got a little drunk off the attention from the lovely ladies…



But, like all girls, these ladies want a commitment and Trev had to tell them no way and find his escape route…



He retreated to a guys night to hang out with his “dawg” (as Randy Jackson would say).


Hey, don’t hate the player, hate the game…

For those other parents reading this…Meg and I are open for business. Our rates are incredibly reasonable…we don’t charge anything, but we will eat your junk food, call boys, and pass out on your couch…but your baby will have a great time!

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Things/People that have fallen the past week

1.  Butler University

2.  Kirstie Alley and Maksim Longname

3.  Southwest Flight 812 (20,000 feet in the sky)

4.  Not gas prices

5.  Me

Yes it's true-fucking UConn won the tournament.  Oh and I fell this weekend.  I know everyone is surprised as I am usually the very picture of grace and poise.  Let me describe the events as they happened:

Saturday evening, 6:30pm:  I clamp my 450 degree flat iron down on my left forearm

Saturday night, 12:30am: An almost full bottle of wine tips over in my fridge, the top pops out, wine spills all over the bottom of my fridge and into a huge puddle on my kitchen floor.  It's my favorite wine. 

Sunday evening, 5:30:00pm:  I walk into my house, my arms filled to the max with stuff including an 18 roll pack of toilet paper (it should last me a couple days).  My ankle gives out and in slow motion I begin my long descent onto my ass but not before realizing that I'm also falling onto my wooden laundry drying rack which is full of clean clothes.

Sunday evening, 5:30:15pm:  I'm on the floor looking around for witnesses which makes sense since I was in my house and I live alone.  My knee is throbbing, my arm is screaming.  I realize with horror that I have squeezed the Charmin.  The laundry rack...is no more.  We did battle.  It lost.  Goodbye, sweet laundry rack that I've had since I was a freshman in college.

Sunday evening, 5:35pm:  I realize the reason my arm literally feels like someone is sandpapering an open nerve is that I landed on my horrible, most likely 2nd degree burn (I'm not exaggerating) from the day before and all the burnt skin has been ripped off my arm.

Monday morning, 8am:  I wake up unable to move because my back is spasming so bad.  I work from home.  I ice my knee.  I take muscle relaxers.  They are awesome.

Monday afternoon, 3:30pm:  I watch "Raiders of the Lost Ark".  I silently thank whoever made the "creative" decision to have Harrison Ford's shirt unbuttoned for 80% of the movie.

Present day:  You are wondering why I included the bit about the wine spilling since it had nothing to do with me falling or my injuries.  It's just that I am still mad about it.

Seriously, though, how fucking expensive is gas right now.  I'll punch someone.  Once I can move.  And my epidermis is intact.