Monday, September 29, 2008

My stock portfolio is really looking healthy right now

Our country is in the firm grasp of an economic crisis, and it is at times like these that I like to bury my head in the sand and pretend it's not happening. Join me, won't you? I mean my friend Sudha said he was going to fix it anyway so it should be on the upswing pretty soon.

I found some random pictures that I would like to share with you while you forget about your retirement fund that's currently wasting away to nothing.

- In March, when we went to Holiday Valley I told you I needed a picture from Diane to explain what Kevin did while we were on the trip. I have the picture, people! So the house we stay at is up on a hill. It's usually best to take SUVs there because they can drive up the driveway without issue. Sunday as we were leaving to go home (with our annual stop at Bob Evans along the way), Kevin and Kim left first in their car. Meg, Diane and I followed next and then the boys-Drew, Tony and Aaron-followed us.

As Meg, D and I approached the bottom of the driveway we saw Kim and Kevin waiting for us on the side of the road. But something was off. The three of us stared at them in silence for a moment before Meg said, "Are they like off the side of the road in that ditch?" And I said, "No no-they're just pulled over waiting for us." More silence. Then Diane, "They seem like really tilted, don't they?" More confused staring. Then all three of us at the same time, "Holy shit they are totally stuck in that ditch."

Have a look-see:

You can't even tell completely from this picture, but that car is totally on its side, leaning against the snowbank on the passenger side. Kim had to crawl up and out the driver's side door. Apparently there is road and then nothing. No shoulder. Just a few foot drop. Awesome.

Hijinx ensued with the boys pushing and Kevin revving and lots of laughing and yelling with no success. I was sad because I really wanted them to come to Bob Evans with us. I am always looking at what's important, you guys. The entire time the boys were strategizing about how to fix it, Meg was quietly stating her idea. None of them would listen. After about a half hour, D and I finally said, "Hey-listen to Meg dammit." They did. It worked. Kevin's car was freed. Women rule. Not surprisingly there was some tire axel damage. But at least we had Bob Evans.

- Here is a picture of a catfish in ice:

I have no story for this.

- For the Browns home opener, we went to Meg's new apartment for a party. As you know, parties at Meg's have names: Cinco de Mego, Kegs and Eggs at Meg's. This party was called Leggo My Meggo. We made waffles and had a waffle bar. And we drank a lot of mimosas. A lot.

If anyone else had thrown this party, it would've been frozen waffles and syrup. But this was Meg's party, and Meg doesn't half-ass anything. She made 3 kinds of waffles and the topping bar-oh my God the topping bar. Take a look at this:

Syrup; walnuts; chocolate chips; peanut butter; whipped cream; blueberry, cherry, strawberry and peach topping, 2 kinds of jam and powdered sugar. Greatest. Breakfast. Ever.

After the party, we went to Bob Golic's new sports bar. It had just opened and needed some work, but we did get to see Bob Golic and yell out references to "Saved by the Bell: The College Years". Also I got a stamp on my hand that says "Golic's". I still haven't washed it off.

- Here is a close up of the sombrero I put on while out drinking with coworkers at a Mexican restaurant and after having tequila for the first time in 13 years:

Ten minutes later, they bought me maracas and then I carried them around in my cleavage when I wasn't dancing with them to try and entice the opposite sex*.

*Note: this doesn't work.

Thursday, September 25, 2008


1 - "The Office" starts tonight. Remember when Ryan got arrested and Oscar goes, "I saw the video. I think his biggest offense is the beard." Awesome! I love you, Office!

2 - This is not good. Really, really not good. They are literally evolving just to get to me. Pretty soon there will be nowhere I can hide. I'm moving to outer space like that weird billionaire dude in "Contact".

Krusty's 2008

First: Is it too late in the season to wear white capris? I am obviously a fashion maven as evidenced by the fact that I wear $10 slip on tennis shoes almost everywhere I go, but despite my expertise, I have no idea if this is okay or not after Labor Day. Help me, Internet.

Second: Update on skee ball: We totally won our match last week. Christy added up the scores wrong. Don't worry-she is not a math teacher or anything. Just a 30-something year old woman who can't perform basic addition. No reason to be alarmed.

Third: Krusty's. Ahh...even the name makes me giddy.

This year Krusty's was-shockingly-completely effing awesome. As usual, it was the best day of my life. We recruited a ton more people to come with us. There were about 30 of us total, most of us drunks, all of us too sensitive to sun.

We started off drinking slowly because it's a marathon not a sprint, you guys, but I was drunk maybe 2 hours into it. Obviously. Because the drinks were going down smooth, and I was so excited to be there I could hardly contain myself. Some of us played volleyball. Not me, of course, because I am allergic to it. Diane tried not to play because she has bad ankles, but since she is part male, she couldn't stand it anymore so she went in and was basically better than everyone.

Two guys walked up and started talking to those of us ladies who were watching the game, and one of them wanted to play. We hung out with the other one who guessed our names. He guessed I was Gina. I told him he was right. Then I guessed he was Neil. I don't think he liked me very much after that. Let me just put this out there: I like the name Neil. I said that was his name because he had told us he liked Neil Diamond. I don't know what he was so upset about. This reminds me of this one time when I got drunk at happy hour and told this guy from work that he looked like someone who would wear a fanny pack. He hasn't spoken to me since. That was like 5 years ago. To be fair, he had just totally screwed over my friend Kim who he was dating. It was not an unprovoked FPA (Fanny Pack Attack).

Anywho, after this point, all the events of the day seem to run together. I have no real sense of "chronological order". Here's what I remember:

- Steph's sisters were in town and they brought a hammock. That is just awesome.

- Our friend had a beer pong table and there was a guy we didn't know playing on it and he keep oiling up his chest. Seriously. He rolled his tank top up to above his man boobs and left it there. Then he would periodically oil his chest. None of us could believe what we were seeing. Listen up, male readers: a) don't spend 3 hours at a stranger's beer pong table unless you are invited, b) do not roll up your tank top over your man boobs-tank top on or off, people (preferably never put on in the first place-it's a tank top and you are male but it was really hot so I'll allow it) and c) the only reason you should be putting oil on your chest ever is because you're either doing it for a Halloween costume or you are a stripper at Thunder Down Under in Las Vegas. Even then I will make fun of you, but at least it'd be part of your job description.

- I totally told the guys I would play in the cornhole tournament with them then I didn't. I remember saying, "Yeah I'll be right there!" then an hour later they came back, and I was like, "Hey where have you guys been?" I'm a pretty reliable teammate.

- I made our friend Steve's brother do gymnastics. It's okay because he is a gymnast. It's not okay because he was drunk, and I was only about the 17th person to ask him to do it. Whatever-he still did it because I am extremely persuasive (annoying).

- We tried to convince a guy who was with us to swim to the break wall and back. I'm not exaggerating-the break wall was easily 3 football fields away. We were like, "Dude, it's not even that far. You could be done in 10 minutes, easy." Then I told him I was a licensed lifeguard. He goes, "Really?" And I said, "Well by 'licensed' I mean I used to watch "Baywatch" a lot, and if I see you're in trouble I'll totally yell to those people on the jet skis out there to go help you." Shockingly, he did not feel confident enough in my abilities to save him from drowning to try it.

- The only thing that kind of annoyed us about Krusty's this year was that they had 2 bands: one reggae and one 80's/90's cover band. The 80's/90's cover band played first so by the time we were all drunk and ready to dance (aka, embarrass ourselves and our family names), the reggae band was playing. I like reggae music, but I cannot do the Fake Run to it. It's too slow. So Gordo and I decided we were going to do something about it, and we went up to the stage to yell at the band. And I have to say I think the band was really intimidated by us because as soon as we got up there we started dancing. Mission: Failed. Note to everyone who needs people to take charge and get things done: Gordo and I are not those people.

Eventually Krusty's came to end. And as usual I pouted like a little baby. I hate when it's over, you guys! As is tradition, we went to the after party at the bar where I walked in and announced to my friends, "I'm going to get so drunk that you'll either have to carry me home or dial 911!" Classy lady!

I broke my "no shots except at weddings rule" and made lots of people do lots of shots with me. The details of the bar get even fuzzier, but here is what I know:

- We were throwing popcorn at people. And I was throwing it on the ground while doing my impression of The Ground Round. You can totally throw your popcorn on the ground there, you guys.

- Ty took his pants off. Completely off. All layers. I heard my friend Mike yell, "Ty oh my God!" and I looked up and Ty was standing at the bar naked from the waist down. How in the world did they not kick us out after that?

- Our friend Sean passed out on a couch there, and Renee and I danced on him. Literally. Then I fell into his lap, and he didn't even wake up. I love that guy.

- I was wearing skorts. Here is the problem: Sarah + skorts + alcohol = Sarah lifting the skirt part of her skorts to show everyone the shorts underneath. This has happened time and time again-once at a wedding (sorry, Becky and Steve)*. Well at the bar, I pulled up my skirt and left it there. Like I walked around the bar like that. Skirt up facing the sky, shorts showing. When I showed Matt, he immediately poured popcorn down my skirt. So I was literally a human popcorn container. I showed Sharda what Matt had done, and without a word she reached down there and grabbed a handful of popcorn and shoved it in her mouth. You see, this is why I end up doing shit like pulling my skorts up. I don't have friends who discourage it. All they do is make it funnier.

I have no real recollection of leaving. I remember hugging a guy I went to high school with, him sticking his tongue in my mouth and then grabbing a cab. Thanks to my sister and Drew for getting me to their house safe and sound. And for not really letting me drink so much they had to call 911.

Thanks to Krusty's for being the greatest day of my life. I can't believe it's over. The good news is that I waited so long to post this, I only have like 10 months to wait till the next one. See you in 2009, best friend ever!!!

*Do not berate me for wearing skorts at a wedding. It was a picnic reception at a park. The bride was wearing shorts. I'm not some like white trash ho who shows up to a wedding in khaki skorts, a tube top and a banana clip. I save that outfit for first dates.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Skee ball wizard

Several things to address:

1. Yes I am going to post about Krusty's and the wedding. I really, really am. In fact I have drafts written up already. I know-how effing dorky am I that I sometimes write up drafts? Pretty dorky. But that's how I have to roll. I have very few good brain cells left so my memory fails me more often than not. Seriously, though, I promise. I'm making a solemn vow right here, right now: next week you will hear about both of these. If I don't, there are people here who will have my head (Sharda) so it will happen.

2. The day I posted about the Twilight series, I finished. I read all 4 books in 12 days. That is effed up, you guys. You know what else is effed up? Now I am currently trying to figure out when it's appropriate to start reading them again. Also to those who read book four and didn't like it: What gives? I don't get all the negative reactions. I thought it was amazing and fantastic and I screamed and cried and clapped through the whole thing. On an unrelated note: while Edward is obviously the perfect choice for Bella hands down no question, does anyone else think Jacob sounds wicked effing hot?

3. Skee ball league is amazing. Is skee ball one word or two? I always write it as two and since this is my blog I declare it two words. The team we played against, Ballz In Your Mouth, was obviously 3 guys and they were incredibly nice and fun. Each person on the team plays 10 games so that's 60 games of skee ball. Eighteen games in, this happened:

Christy broke our skee ball machine. I mean maybe not for real but it mysteriously stopped working while she was playing. That's all I'm saying. We only lost by 20 points, but our team had the high score for the whole thing: 320. Oh by the way, that was me. Boo-ya. But I really shouldn't brag because other than that game, I was horrible. I am usually awesome at skee ball, but I am sick so I'm blaming it on that and all the medicine I was on. Incidentally, Mon suggested I should be team leader since I played even while sick. I appreciate the sentiment, Mon, but really I should never be in charge of anything. Nothing good comes from that. Remember when I was in charge of steering when Meg and I were kayaking?

Steph, by the way, is some sort of skee ball savant. Seriously it's really weird. She's a skee ball freak. She says it's because she's from Sandusky which is home to the amusement park, Cedar Point, and is therefore essentially a carnie.

All in all, skee ball league is the best thing ever and everyone should join it. Also Steph's new nickname is Carnie.

P.S. They make you sign a waiver in case you get hurt. I was making fun of it so much and then I started thinking about it: if anyone was to get hurt while playing skee ball, who would it be? Me. Absolutely. Now I'm just waiting to see how it will happen. I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I want my mommy

So I am sick and have done nothing this week except fake my way through work and sleep and whine like a baby. But no matter how sick I am, nothing is going to keep me from what we are doing tonight. Steph, Christy and I have our first our Skee ball bar league. Yes. That's right. Steph signed us up for a Skee ball league. I am so excited I can't even explain it to you. Our whole thought process was that a) Skee ball is awesome, b) we think a Skee ball league is probably full of cool people that we want to meet and c) it's at a bar. Our team name is Ball Busters. Steph was very hesitant naming ourselves something so un-classy because you know how Steph is the picture of propriety (see: every single post I have ever posted about Steph), but we are playing a team called Ballz In Your Mouth. I just want to say that I am very excited to meet these people because it's like they said, "What's the grossest thing we could name ourselves using the word 'balls'?" then they just went for it-no apologies. Then they added a 'z' to 'balls'. Awesome. So I will let you all know how it goes. Steph and Christy, I will try not to sneeze all over you. Actually that goes for everyone out there. I will try to keep my mucus-sharing at a minimum instead of how I usually just spread it all around.

P.S. Everyone pray for Nate Dogg. How is he possibly going to regulate in this condition?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Vampires on my mind

Um so let me explain why I haven't posted anything yet this week. It's because I have been reading Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series and avoiding doing anything else. Seriously I am obsessed. Jen is the one who told me to read these books because she herself is obsessed. So I picked up Twilight to take to Virginia Beach. I was a little unsure because it's for teenagers, but I mean let's take an honest look at me: I love shows about teenagers, I love movies about teenagers, my maturity level is that of a 16 year old (on a good day) and I love vampire stuff (Buffy, Lost Boys, etc.). The odds were good I would like it.

You guys, I am actually embarassed at the speed at which I am going through these books. It's pathetic. I absolutely love them, and I cannot put them down. I must know what is going to happen next at all times. It's like my replacement Olympics where I'm actually going without sleep just so I can keep reading. To be fair, Sharda read Twilight at the same time as me and didn't like it. So keep in mind it's just my opinion and that might not mean much. But I will say that if you don't like it something is wrong with you. Just kidding, Sharda. Not really, you guys.

I will be going to see the movie version of this the day it opens in November. I'll wear too much eyeliner and no jacket and complain about my parents to try and fit in with the other teenagers.

On an unrelated note, did anyone watch "Fringe" on Tuesday? I thought it was pretty good. A little forced in some places, but show pilots are hardly ever great. You usually have to give it a couple episodes so they can set up the story and characters and stuff. But I thought this one was interesting. And gross. Um...those people were melting! That guy's jaw fell off! I almost puked. Then I saw Joshua Jackson and all was well. I'll watch this one just to see him every week. Mmm...I love you, Pacey.

Friday, September 05, 2008

So I owe you an explanation for my drunken run on posts over the weekend. That is coming. First I have to discuss 2 things:

1. Did any one watch the new "90210"? We had a viewing party at Aloyd's house. Here are my thoughts:

- It was not good.
- The new Brenda is too skinny. And the dude she's into right now is UglyHot, and confuses us.
- I was so happy to see Kelly and Brenda on TV again.
- I am officially old because last time I liked the high school boys. This time around I'm totally into the dad and the teacher. Yummy.

2. John and I have talked about having our own radio show for a few years now. I can't begin to imagine how fun that would be. To get the ball rolling, John sent this email to Clear Channel yesterday. For real:

"Dear [name of person at Clear Channel],

My friend Sarah and I both work in IT (information technology) and we are, by all accounts, hilarious. We have decided that we would rather have our own syndicated radio program on Clear Channel stations across the country than continue this drudgery. To that end, I'm just shooting you a quick email to get some information on the in's and out's of the business. I'm sure you know the ropes and could give us some amazing advice on how to kickoff what will inevitably be 2 of the most amazing radio careers ever launched, and your support will never be forgotten when we make it big. I suspect that when we do inevitably blow up and pull a 50 share in all of your major markets, we will undoubtedly shower you with lavish gifts and luxury items when we lock in our 7 figure deals. This show is amazing, I can tell by the look on your face right now that you already wish you were listening to our show. Frankly so do we. We are amazing. I think ours is the kind of show that people will spring out of bed with a smile on their faces knowing they get to listen to us on their commute. Crime rates will hit an all time low when we hit the airwaves and sales of anti-depressants will plummet. If you are a shareholder in any of the major pharmaceuticals who manufacture anti-depressants as their lifeblood I'd recommend reallocating your 401k before you send us the "Welcome to Clear Channel" package. This is going to be awesome. Seriously, let's do this. XM/Sirius is already beating down our door and we are definitely not down with Satellite radio my friend.

Yours Truly,
Cleveland Ohio"

Big things are about to happen, you guys.