Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore

There are some things we need to talk about:

- I'm not going to tell you how many times I saw "Twilight" this weekend. Suffice it to say, I may have single-handedly assured that the sequel would be made into a movie. For those curious, I loved it. Is it Oscar-worthy? Of course not. Is it the greatest movie to be put to film? No way. But it is lovely for what it is-a teenage love story about 2 kids, one of whom happens to be a vampire. It hits the right note with its intended audience (tweens and 30 year olds who are eternally 13 on the inside). Also I don't know what Rob Pattinson's deal is, but for someone who really isn't that cute, he sure does give me the tingle. Jesus. He can stare at me like I'm his next meal anytime he wants. I was wrong about him when I first heard he was cast. He is the perfect Edward.

- I am so depressed about "Pushing Daisies" being cancelled that I don't even know what to do. Why? Why is this happening to me? Seriously, ABC-you keep "Wife Swap" but get rid of one of the most imaginative and entertaining shows on television? You should be ashamed. While we're at it: please tell Shonda Rimes (head writer on "Grey's Anatomy") that she has completely lost her mind. She is off her rocker, and I am very close to leaving the show for good. The Izzie-Denny storyline simply must go. It is even worse than the original Izzie-Denny storyline which was AWFUL. That is all I'm going to say about that because I literally will not be able to stop bitching. Shonda, you're horrible. Time for someone else to take over. The only good thing you've done this season besides made Alex more awesome is bring on Owen Hunt, the military doctor guy. That man is rugged. Rugged complicated tortured awesome hotness.

- Seriously "Pushing Daisies"! I'm so sad! Lee Pace better be on television again and soon.

- You might remember that last year when my sister and I offered to help out at Thanksgiving, my mom asked us to make the relish tray rather than letting us cook something. Relish tray as in pickles and olives. Well guess who just got upgraded to dessert! That's right: my sister. I'm still on relish tray duty. WTF! When I confronted my mother she said, "I just know how much you love the relish tray, and I knew you would do a good job." Hmm...that sounds suspiciously like the way you would explain your decision to a 5 year old. Then she said, "What I really need is for you to come over early and help me." Let me tell you guys how that will go:

Me: Hey, Mom! What can I do?
Mom: Can you stir this gravy?

I stir gravy for 20 minutes.

Me: Okay, now what? Need me to make the stuffing or potatoes?
Mom: Can you set the table?

I set the table.

Me: Okay want me to check on the turkey? Baste it or whatnot?
Mom: Can you get everyone a glass of water?

Are you guys seeing a pattern here? I am really not allowed anywhere near the food or kitchen. Someday this will change. I will do something important. It will be awesome and awe-inspiring and will most likely end in a trip to the hospital.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The world will come crashing

I'm pretty sure I received death threats from Sharda this weekend for being such a bad blogger. But seriously, you guys, I have not been home. Plus since the weather is changing here, my head has been just one big ball of searing pain. Migraines are awesome!

I have to tell you about Virginia Beach still (3 months later), our trip to Miami U and our Halloween party, but I need pictures for all of them and don't have them here. So instead I'm going to tell you about what we did last Monday. Last Monday we went to see Jack's Mannequin at The Grog Shop. I have never been to see a concert at The Grog Shop, but it is roughly the size of my living room and the stage is about 1 foot higher than the rest of the place. What this means is, it is both simultaneously awesome and horrible at the same time. Because while you definitely get the feel of a more intimate show, unless you are in the first 6 rows, you can't see shit. So I guess overall, I'll say it kind of sucked-the venue I mean. Now, had I been in the front row, I'd probably be saying it was the greatest place to see a concert in the entire continental US.

I've made no secret of my intense love of Andrew McMahon and every thing he does. He is, simply put, a genius. We went to see him a couple years ago and Johnny Virgil has also spoken about him. In September, JM released their new album "Glass Passenger" which after one listen you're like, "This is pretty good. Not the greatest album ever released." Then after a couple more listens you're like, "Holy eff this is phenomenal!"

The Grog Shop, I think, mostly caters to punk bands so it explains why I haven't been there before. When we walked in we were surprised at how small it was. We were also surprised at the mutilated baby dolls hanging from the ceiling. Seriously they were everywhere. One had a snake wrapped around it with fake blood everywhere, one had legs in its eye sockets and a rat coming out of it's stomach, one had a skeleton body, one had it's arm cut off and was being burned over a fake open flame, one was gagged and bound and hanging from a noose and so on and so on. We tried to convince ourselves that they were just leftover Halloween decorations or possibly an art installation by a local artist because honestly we don't want to think about what the implications are if that's just their normal decor.

We arrived about mid-way through the first opening act's set. There were 2 opening acts. We had heard of neither of them. The first one was called Treaty of Paris, and they were roughly 14 and pretty good. They needed haircuts, though. I'm aware that makes me sound like a parent. I am okay with that. The second opener was a band called Fun. They started singing, and they had a very different sound. I instantly liked it. After a minute or so, I turned to Drew and said, "This guy sounds like the lead singer of The Format." Everyone agreed. After another minute or so, I said, "Okay seriously this guy sounds EXACTLY like the guy from The Format." Out came my Blackberry and after a quick search, I found this. If you don't want to go read it, here is the first line: "Fun is an indie pop band based in New York, New York that was formed by Nate Ruess, formerly of The Format." What. Is. Up. I am awesome.

As a result of this new info, I had what's called in the medical profession, a complete freak out. I have talked to you guys many, many times about my love for The Format. "Interventions & Lullabies" is in my top 5 favorite albums of all time. I happen to think it's nearly perfect. One of the biggest reasons I love the band is because the lead singer's voice is awesome. And here he was, performing live, and I didn't even know he would be there. Sharda asked if we thought they'd perform some Format stuff, but I didn't think so. Less than 5 minutes later, Nate (the singer) said, "Here's an old song." Then they played "The First Single" and I Completely. Lost. My Fucking. Mind. One of my biggest regrets is not ever getting to see The Format live, especially now that they are on hiatus (hold me), but I got to hear my favorite song performed live, and I almost cried. Then a little while later they played "She Doesn't Get It", and I died and went to heaven. Format, please come back. Please, please, please. I swear I will buy Fun's new album, but then just come back. I love you.

After Fun, we waited what seemed like a million hours for Jack's Mannequin to come out. Every time a roadie would come on stage the crowd would go nuts. Then it would immediately get quiet again. During one of these quiet times, Diane who was obviously drunk after several different flavors of ales yelled out, "JUST COME ON ALREADY! LET'S GO!!" It was so loud. And so amazing. And so embarassing. But seriously we are old. Stop making us stand longer than we have to. My back was for real hurting.

They finally came out. And as usual, they were amazing. If you are a JM or Something Corporate fan, do yourself a favor and go see Andrew McMahon perform live. He sounds amazing on his albums, but is approximately 1000 times better in person. He's like pure energy and passion up there, and he's effing fantastic. Also he's really funny.

He had a crazy mustache which gave him kind of a 70's porn star look. I'm not sure how I felt about it, but he did say this to a guy in the front row who had a mustache: "I grew this so you and I would have the same mustache." Awesome. As I mentioned, this place was really small and when it came time to do the encore he said, "This is normally the part of the show where we take a bow and leave the stage and pretend like we're not coming back and you guys are all like, "What assholes they didn't even play my favorite song." then you cheer really loud and we do this act where we come back on stage like, "Okay okay-we'll play a couple more. Since you asked." But tonight...well...frankly there's nowhere for us to go. So welcome to the encore!!" Cue "I'm Ready". Cue me peeing my pants. Cue them playing my favorite Something Corporate song ever that I have never heard played live. Cue more peeing. I almost punched Diane and Drew for talking during it.

As usual, we were about 10 years older than the average age of the crowd. There also seemed to be a lot of "bouncers" there. Not like bar bouncers-although there was a wicked hot one of those standing near us-but I mean like fans who literally jump up and down as high as they can during the song. It made me tired just watching them. The whole time I just wanted to say, "Okay you know what? You're at a 12. I need you at a 7 or 8. It is a Monday night."

Here are my scores for the night:

Venue: 5/10
Performance: 13/10
Overall hygiene of audience: 3/10 - Seriously is there a water shortage I don't know about? Or is soap too expensive these days? I will buy you kids soap if you will just promise to take a shower once in a while.

Andrew, never ever stop writing songs. Please. I heart you.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008


It's no secret that I don't really care about politics. I've made that abundantly clear. I'm also not someone who really waxes nostalgic about US history. And I love you guys, but I'm really not interested in hearing anyone's political views right now nor will I be talking about mine because frankly...SNOOZEFEST! But I'm finding it impossible to ignore the enormity of what's happened tonight. Like him or not, we just voted in the first black President.

The first black President of the United States!

After everything our forefathers and so many people after them have fought for to make this a place where all men are created equal, to have taken such a big step toward their vision and in our lifetime to boot, well it's seriously almost enough to make me cry.

This country is not even close to being perfect, and I know not everyone is happy right now. But please look at the bigger picture: we're all witnesses to something historic tonight. Something that is sure to change the landscape of politics-and US history-forever. How can you not love this country right now!?

Sorry to get all emotional and serious. I think that a lot of it stems from knowing I won't have to deal with all the ads and phone calls and interruptions to my shows anymore.

I'm gonna go light up a sparkler and put on some Lee Greenwood.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Rocking the Vote

Guys, I am literally posting this from the line to go vote. This is some serious on-the-scene in-the-action reporting here.

And what action it is. They are whisking us through at the rate of about 1 person per every 20 minutes. You can see the line moving forward...if you use a time-lapse camera. It doesn't help that my voting location is literally a small condo. It's the Homeownwer's Association office-a converted condo. And there are up to 3 whole voting booths in there.

Luckily we are all waiting outside because there's no room inside. But it's okay because it is roughly 40 degrees. My hair, which I did not do this morning and is wet, is now frozen into a Medusa-like crazy lady mess on top of my head, and the only reason my fingers aren't frozen is because I'm using them to type this.

Why all the bitching? Let's get to the heart of it:

I am easily one of the laziest, whiniest people this country has ever known, yet I am standing out here freezing my ass off and waiting in a line that will probably, from the looks of things, last for the next 6 hours all because today I get to vote for our new President. And I don't even care about politics. As such, you have no excuse for not getting off your bum and doing the same cuz seriously if I'm doing it, everyone should be.
Seriously it is fucking-A freezing out here. I might try to snuggle with the old guy in front of me. If you see me on the news getting arrested for assaulting a senior citizen at the polls, don't judge me for my Medusa hair.