Cleveland Still Rocks!

Radio Show: The Conclusion (continued from yesterday)

Eventually it was our turn to present. We were given about one minute to explain the deal. The girl who got us on the radio is the one who ended up speaking. Then she had to leave. That was about an hour into the program-so about 7:30am. The next two hours were…surreal. You guys know I am bad at chronological order and that I like lists, so here is the rest of the day in list form:

- At one point, MDM said to us in the studio, “Okay guys, when we come back from commercial, I’m going to say the word ‘vasectomy’. Everyone react.” Only he didn’t tell us how to react. So when we were back on air he said ‘vasectomy’ and the radio caller mom’s family of course knew exactly how to react and all made an exaggerated kind of “aw-disgusting!” kind of noise. My reaction was this: “Whoo-hooaeehhh blech!!” I started to whoo-hoo then caught on. Steph’s reaction was more of a very loud shocked gasp-as if her sensibilities had been offended-and then fading into a disgusted grumble. He repeated the word ‘vasectomy’ over and over and over each time eliciting a reaction from his audience and by about the 4th time, I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. WTF was happening? Seriously?

- Okay so this radio show is, in a word, horrible. The jokes are uber-cheesy, and they just keep saying the same things over and over. Every minute we had to sit there and listen to the show sucked the life out of us-no one more than Diane, though. By 8am, she was completely done having any part of fake reacting to anything the DJs said.

- Since we were going to be on the radio and had to be there at 6am, I made absolutely no attempt to make myself look nice. I mean I wore jeans and a sweater-it’s not like I showed up in my Def Leppard t-shirt (I totally should have), but I didn’t shower or do my hair or anything (man I’m hot). So imagine my delight when MDM said, “Hey can I get a picture of you guys to put on our web site?” Awesome. We had to hold up a giant sign with the name of the radio station. As he was taking the picture, he goes, “Hey-how about a smile there in the middle? Is this that bad?” It was Diane. Fantastic.

- After that picture, radio caller mom wanted to take our picture with MDM-kind of a heavyset guy. He made some joke about his girth then goes, “I don’t mean it like that!” Radio caller mom goes, “Oh, MDM, they listen to your show. They know your sense of humor!” Cue sideways glances to each other and a collective sarcastic thought of, ‘No we totally listen to this show all the time.’

- At one point in the show, the MDM pressed some button which made all these loud noises and played a weird song and radio caller family and all the DJs all started screaming “Banana phone!” then radio caller mom started singing along with the song. D, Steph and I huddled together in fear, unsure of what was happening. MDM goes, “Looks like we got a call on the Banana Phone!!” thus reminding me of why I hate radio shows. Steph leaned over and goes, “Okay I hate me, too.”

- We were starting to get restless and annoyed that they weren’t asking us about our service organization like we were told they would. Then suddenly MDM wordlessly pointed to Diane then to the microphone in front of her. Her reaction? Push Steph as hard as she could toward the mic and hide in the corner. It was so funny, I almost peed. But finally, Steph was going to get a chance to speak on behalf of our organization, to spread the word about the good work we’re doing. The On Air light came on. He asked her her name. She said Steph. He asked what she did for a living. She said she worked for an insurance company. He asked if she was “down with AIG”. She said, “Yeah…you know me.” Then they played one of those homemade songs that DJs like to record where they take a popular song and put in their own “funny” lyrics thereby rendering the song both unfunny and unlistenable. This one was to the tune of “OPP” and they changed the words to “You down with AIG?” Yes-Steph had unwittingly given them the perfect segue into playing that piece of crap. I think being a part of that still eats at her. The best part is that they didn’t even ask her about the group again. Also Dan texted me soon after and said, “Was Steph just on the radio talking about insurance?”

Awesome sidenote here: I wondered why Steph didn’t give the DJ her last name when he asked her. I found out later that a couple months ago, she had gone to a concert. He stood in front of her (he is big, she is small) and flirted with chicks during the entire opening act-the only reason she was there. So naturally, she emailed him and told him how rude he was. That set off a whole email war. She didn’t tell him her last name because she was afraid he would recognize it. If I haven’t said it enough before, I LOVE STEPH.

- The highlight of the day was when we were on a commercial break, and we overheard one of the DJs go, “So you guys said no to Coulier?” MDM: “Yeah-I have nothing to talk to that guy about.” “Dave Coulier?” I asked. Faceless DJ: “Yeah. You guys want to meet him?” Us: “Um…YES!!!” The entire audience immediately cleared out of the room during the radio show to go try and hunt him down. But he was in another studio being interviewed so we couldn’t talk to him. Then he left before we could meet him. I don’t think I have ever been so bitter. My basic thought process was: ‘You had time to play some stupid AIG song but you didn’t have time to talk to Dave Coulier? You’re officially the worst radio station ever.’ Man how awesome would that have been been to meet him! Here’s the kicker: Right before this, Steph had excused herself to go to the restroom. She passed by the conference room where two men were sitting, and she said hello and they said hi back. She thought to herself, ‘Hmm…that one guy looks familiar.’ Yeah-it was Dave Coulier. She met him and didn’t know it until 10 minutes later. Dammit, Steph!

- Intern gave us t-shirts. They are the most amazing shade of bright florescent green I’ve ever seen. They are tie dyed and said “I survived Festive Friday!” on them. It is my favorite t-shirt ever.

- By about 9, I was out of patience. All I wanted to do was not be there anymore. I immediately began texting people about how horrible it was and how I wanted to leave. One of the DJs totally caught me texting and said, “What’s going on here? What are you texting about?” “Oh just how much this show sucks,” is what I wanted to say. What I really said was, “Oh my friend is listening and wants me to yell something into the mic.” I got yelled at for texting, you guys. Is that what high school is like now?

- At 9:30, we realized we still had an hour to go. Steph started gathering her things and putting on her coat. D and I didn’t know what was going on. She turned to the DJ and said, “I’m so sorry but I have to go be a lawyer now.” I immediately knew what was happening-Steph was ditching us. I was flabbergasted. I went as a favor to her and she was ditching me!? Luckily Diane was onto her quicker than I was and as soon as Steph said, “I have to go be a lawyer now”, D stood up and said, “Yes, me too.” So I stood up and said, “Me too. We have to go be lawyers.”

- Once we got to the parking lot, we collapsed in laughter. Then we attempted to leave, but all the exits were gated. We couldn’t get out. After 5ish minutes of trying to leave, someone on the inside finally opened the gate for us. Which means people were watching us on the surveillance cameras. Awesome.

- Ten minutes after we left the studio Steph noticed her shirt was on inside out.

All in all, in no way have I captured how freaking awesome and ridiculous this day was. I don’t even know if anyone besides the three of us will even find this amusing, but it needed to be captured for prosperity. During the ‘vasectomy’ fiasco, all I could think was, “Seriously how did I get here? Why is this my life right now?” And I think I figured it out: