I am an outlaw

A couple weeks ago on a Tuesday night, my friend Jace asked me if I wanted to go see a pre-screening of "Prince of Persia"-the new Jake Gyllenhaal movie. He had free tickets. Obviously I didn't really care about the movie, but I was intrigued by Jake's abs and really just wanted to hang out with Jace. We got to the theater right as it was supposed to start and bought some snacks. As we were paying, a girl came up to us and told us that the theater was full, but she might be able to squeeze us in. A woman and her teenage daughter were behind us, and the mom just went ballistic. "You really can't fit four more!?!?" So Jace and I said, "Let them have the last 2 seats. It's no big deal at all." And the movie lady said, "No that doesn't seem fair. You already bought your snacks and everything. Just all of you come back with me, and we'll see what we can do." Well we started to follow her back, and then the two of us were like, "Ugh...do we care enough about this movie to have to sit probably in seats that aren't by each other? I don't think so." So we stopped walking.

Here's where it got super awkward. Neither one of us could decide what to do. Should we buy tickets for another movie? Or should we just leave the theater and go hang out in the mall? As we stood there looking creepy, Jace whispered, "I bet if we act confident and just walk with purpose, we could totally sneak into another movie."

Let me explain why this is a big deal: Neither of us has ever snuck into a movie before. I realize it's a right of passage for every single teenager in the entire universe, yet somehow the two of us nerds missed out on this. But I mean if there's ever a time to start teenage mischief, it's in your 30's when the consequences could have an actual real negative outcome on your life.

So we decided to go for it. And we walked-with confidence and purpose-directly into the theater that was showing "MacGruber". I'm not really sure why this is the movie we ended up picking . We could see it was in the preview mode so we hadn't missed it, and it looked like the employees had just finished cleaning it so we thought there was a lower probability of being caught. We walked in, and sat down-the only people in the theater. I looked at Jace and said, "I think maybe when kids sneak into a theater, they pick the one that actually has people in it so it isn't as obvious." But hey-we were new to this. Here is basically how our conversation went for the entire 15 minutes we had to wait for the movie to start:

Jace, whispering: "How are you feeling?"
Me, also whispering: "Nervous."
Jace: "Oh my God me too. I am kind of freaking out. What if we get caught? Did you ever get detention?"
Me: "No!"
Jace: "Me neither!"
Me: "Is there such a thing as movie jail? Cuz we're going there."
Jace: "Who will you call to bail you out?"
Me: "I guess my mom. Man that will be an embarassing phone call."
Jace: "Someone's coming! Oh no-it's just a viewer. Not an employee. Phew."
Me: "If I lose my job because I got arrested at the movie theater, I will die."
Jace: "I don't think you and I were cut out for a life of crime."
Me: "Maybe we're overestimating how much the kids who work here actually care about anything happening at this theater. I mean they're teenagers. They don't really care about anything."
Jace: "What if we're underestimating how much they care, and we get that one weirdo nerd who loves his job too much?"
Me: "Crime is hard."

Then the movie started. And it. Was. Horrible. Not that I expected it to be great. I mean come on. But holy crap. It was not good. As soon as it was over, Jace turned to me and said,

Jace: "There is such a thing as movie jail. And it's this movie."
Me: "Karma is a real bitch."
Jace: "The people who work here probably saw us sneak in and said, 'Just let them stay. That movie's punishment enough.'"
Me: "A lesson hard learned, MacGruber. A lesson hard learned."

The moral of the story, kids, is twofold:
1. Stealing is bad, and you will always pay a price.
2. Sneaking into a movie theater in your 30's makes you kind of a nerd as evidenced by the fact that I told my mom this story, and she was basically like, "God-loosen up. They don't put you in movie jail."

P.S. Devo has a new album out today. Devo. As in Whip It. What? Were we waiting for the comeback album?

P.P.S. I watched "Fletch" today. Goddammit that movie is awesome. Everyone go watch it now and bask in how short Chevy Chase's shorts are. He's a genius. That movie rules. Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo.

P.P.P.S. Does anyone remember the show "Swans Crossing"? Come on, girls my age. Think back to junior high. It starred a pre-Buffy Sarah Michelle Gellar and was AWESOME.