Thursday, June 10, 2010

Open letters to some of my friends regarding this past weekend

Dear Gordon and Tracey,
First of all, congratulations on getting married. You guys both looked overjoyed, and it was a lovely sight to see. I am so happy for you. Thank you so much for inviting me and asking me to sing at the wedding. I was so honored.

I'm sorry for anything that happened after the ceremony. In my defense I was very nervous about the singing, and once it was over I was ready to party. Like immediately. Plus Winking Lizard totally knows how to make a Sex on the Beach, and they basically force fed them to me while we were waiting for the reception to start. I mean seriously every time I ordered one, they would just make it and bring it to me.

I think everyone would agree that your first mistake was giving me a kazoo. What a wonderful alternative to throwing rice or blowing bubbles as you left the church. But, oh my, what a spectacular backfire as soon as we left the church. Most people claim to not have loved Drew's and my rendition(s) of "All That She Wants" by Ace of Base, but I firmly believe most people are a bunch of gd liars. Plus wasn't it a refreshing change to hear the kazoo rather than clinking glasses at the reception to indicate everyone wanted you guys to kiss? I personally find the kazoo a romantic instrument. As evidenced by my version of "Wonderful Tonight". The couples dancing to that on the dance floor acted like I was annoying them by playing it inches from their faces, but there's no way that's true. Some people tried to steal the kazoo from me a couple times during the night so I'm sure you can understand why I refused to put it down. God I love kazoos.

One last thing: you really shouldn't have a fan blowing onto the dance floor if you don't want people to do their impressions of Tawny Kitaen in the Whitesnake video. I'm just saying.

Dear Woody,
Thanks for being my personal body pillow on the drive home. I have a fuzzy memory of rubbing your head. Can you confirm this was happening? Can you also confirm that I am hilarious? Because seriously rubbing your head? That's really funny and not-as some might say-annoying.

Dear Jen and Carrie,
We are awesome dancers. No one can take that away from us.

Dear Drew,
We are the greatest kazoo players of all time. We will make a kazoo band and tour our friends' houses. She leads a lonely life, my friend.

Dear Diane,
Thanks for driving on Saturday. I definitely did not immediately consider you my personal designated driver for the summer when you told me you were pregnant so it was a nice surprise when you offered to drive us around. I'm almost positive you offered, right? I was told there was some sort of hissy fit on the ride home as we drove through late night McDonald's when a medium fry was ordered for me instead of a large fry, but seeing as I have no recollection of this, and no evidence was provided, I've concluded it did not happen.

Also please turn over your digital video camera at once so I can delete any and all "moving images" that contain, well, me. Is this going to be a new trend that we can expect? You guys bringing a video camera to our outings? Cuz I say

Dear Sunday,
Note for the future: Hangovers are not a good present. Please don't bring me one of those again. I am allergic.


fscottkey (IiiU) said...

"Note for the future: Hangovers are not a good present. Please don't bring me one of those again. I am allergic." -- You're allergic to everything. I think that is why you have such a hard time having fun.

Raz said...

I need a video NOW of you playing the kazoo.

Scrap that. I'm buying a kazoo on Amazon.

Fizzgig said...

omg, all that she wants, is the BEST kazoo song ever! i challenge anyone to come up with a better one!

p.s. people with video cameras are lame. they should be forced to watch hours of themselves on video so they have more sympathy for others.

Sy said...

Oh, those videos are already up on You Tube.

Note to Self: Get less technosavvy friends.