If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends

Well I'll tell you what I want-what I really really want. I want to never ever see the movie "Dead Alive" again as long as I live.

We went to a Halloween party at Suz and AJ's house on Saturday. Suz and AJ love Halloween and always have the best costumes. This year they were husband and wife knife throwers. Really bad ones. They had apples on their heads and knives sticking out of their stomachs and chests. Bloody but so clever and funny.

Sharda, Meg, Diane, Steph and I went as the Spice Girls. I was Posh, Meg was Baby, Steph was Ginger, Sharda was Sporty and Diane was Scary in a big afro wig that made me laugh uncontrollably every time I looked at her. Sharda had on a sports bra and an open zip up sweatshirt. Who in the hell is secure enough to go to a party in just a sports bra? Someone with a sickeningly flat stomach that's who. What the hell, Sharda. Why are you not constantly showing off your stomach? Bitch.

Suz and AJ had games for us to play. Costume contests for best individual and best group costumes* (Spice Girls came in second), guess the number of M&Ms in the jar and a horror movie trivia game. Guess who won the horror movie trivia game? That would be me-the one person who refuses to watch them. Here's the deal-and I think I've confessed this to you before-I'm a freak. When I am scared of something I read about it. A lot. I know a ridiculous amount of facts about sharks. You would think I was actually interested in them, but really I just need to know that it is possible for a dolphin to kill a shark. I sleep better that way.

So I research what I'm scared of like crazy because I figure that the more information I have about it, the less chance it can hurt me. I know it makes no sense when it applies to movies, but I can't help it. That's how my brain works. But because of this insane detail about me, I know a lot about a lot of horror movies which in turn won me a bottle of wine so how crazy am I really? Still pretty crazy.

We also played beer pong and ping pong in the basement, and here's something maybe you don't know about me: I am awesome at ping pong. Except not when AJ is making me watch "Dead Alive" at the same time-one of the only movies I haven't researched. Let me say this about it: um...wtf. Seriously. That is one weirdo effed up movie. Oh also I'm not as good at ping pong when I am drunk and wearing 100 inch heels. Just FYI.

What'd you guys do this weekend?

P.S. An aside to AG: was your long haired New Jersey boyfriend's last name Bon Jovi by any chance?

*Our friend Tom voted for Sharda's sports bra for best individual costume.

Addendum to TV post

Thanks to Crystal who reminded me that I forgot my fave new show:

Pushing Daisies - It's like you've wandered into a fairytale. If you liked "Big Fish", you will like this. It's imaginitive and unique and lovely. The lead guy is absolutely the best new guy on TV. Yummy and adorable.

P.S. Have you set your DVR for Friday Night Lights yet?

Recipe for a joyful ride home

All I Want For X-mas - Mariah Carey (For real. I've been listening to x-mas music for 2 months already)

Livin' On A Prayer - Bon Jovi

I've Been Waiting - Matthew Sweet

Believe It Or Not - Joey Scarbury (theme from "Greatest American Hero")

Shut Your Eyes - Shout Out Louds

Into the Mystic - Van Morrison

Caribbean Queen - Billy Ocean

I wish I was watching TV

Here are the new shows that I'm watching that you really should be watching:

Chuck - It's funny, it's got action and the badass secret service agent from "Independence Day". What's not to love? Oh also the main guy Chuck is totally adorable.

Reaper - Seriously funny action/horror show with a cute leading man. I dare you not to laugh at everything his best friend Sock does and says.

Samantha Who? - Okay I've only seen 2 episodes of this, but so far I love it. Christina Applegate is freaking awesome. I want to be her.

Gossip Girl - I am way too old to watch this show. So are you, but let's do it anyway.

And the not new show that if you don't start watching soon I will come to your house, staple your ass to the couch, tape your eyelids open and force you to watch:

Friday Night Lights - Seriously why aren't you watching this show? Do you hate yourself? Do you??

The way you make me feel

I've decided that I'm just going to do mini posts all day. Since I can. And I'm bored.

This morning I heard Michael Jackson's new song on the radio. Did anyone else totally forget he was a musician?

His new song is called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me." Sorry. That's just a joke I heard once.

Hey why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? He thought it was a delivery service.

Okay I'll stop. But seriously do you know what the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson is? One was the first man to walk on the moon and the other effs little boys. ZING!

Crackberry

So my new job required that I get a Blackberry. Obviously I was scared because I can't handle new things without being afraid. Also I kept hearing how once you have one, you become obsessed. I knew I would be different. No way do I want to spend my spare time checking work email.

Now that I have one I'm happy to say everyone else is right. I am on this thing constantly.
The truth is that the implications of the Blackberry are huge and here's why: I can get to blogs from this thing. Do you know how awesome that is?? In fact I am currently attempting to blog from it. If this works, it will be the greatest thing ever. If not, I will get an email from Aunt Nancy that says, "Update your GD blog."

By the way it is taking me like 7 hours to write this. I don't exactly have the typing thing down yet. Listen the keys are really small.

So last night Steph made a few of us go to this restaurant in a not so great part of town called Hot Sauce Williams. She has been begging to go there forever. According to its web site it specializes in soul food. And oh my God was it good. Literally my soul felt better after eating there.

Since it was a Monday, we just went home afterwards. And by that I mean we went to a bar. Meg had to go home and work so we said we'd have one round and go home. Two rounds later we left. And went to a wine bar next door.

We sat down and Drew said, "So we thinking 3 bottles?" We all had a hearty laugh. Three bottles later, we finally decided to call it a night as Meg said, "Whatever it's only Monday. I have all week to finish my work." We are really good friends who care deeply about Meg's career.

Best quotes of the night:
"My mom is taller than me and has smaller feet, and she falls over all the time!" - Meg

Diane, while we are staring in horror at Drew's uber-dorky Rick Moranis impression from "Ghostbusters": "Just look at this pretty ring. Focus on the ring."

Steph, commenting on the AMAZING banana pudding at Hot Sauce Williams which was covered in meringue: "It's so good. I like how they bronze the whipped cream around the side."

Poor Steph almost knows less about cooking than I do. Almost. It's okay, Steph-we will just go eat at Hot Sauce Williams.

Seriously everyone should start off their week this way.

A new boyfriend. And shows.

I don't want to talk about the Indians game. All I will say is it is not over. And that if Casey Blake's beard asked me out, there would be no possible scientific way to measure how fast I would say yes. Don't we look good together?







Yeah I came back to the MS Paint, you guys. I still got it.

Um...can we talk about shows now or what? Spoilers to follow.

Grey's
Okay look-in all honesty-I CANNOT TAKE IZZIE AND GEORGE FOR ONE MORE MINUTE. I can't, you guys. They are awful together. They make no sense. They are so awkward not to mention that Izzie is a complete whack-job biatch. I wanted Callie to punch her in the face so bad, but Callie is better than that. Dammit. I have always wanted Alex and Izzie together. Always. I think Alex is able to tone down some of her crazy, and she makes him more sensitive. Oh also it's not like she'd be doing her little brother (George). I actually thought maybe tonight was a step in the right direction for the Izzie-Alex thing to get back on track, but noooo. Stupid Ava comes back next week. Or whatever her name is. I don't even care.

Speaking of Alex, Alex - facial hair = ridiculously hot. I think we can all agree on that. But for me with my beard fetish? Alex + new facial hair = did I just black out because it's so effing hot in here? SERIOUSLY. And really he should wear that black tank top at all times.

I love that McDreamy and McSteamy are friends again. They have a great dynamic. I liked how tonight McSteamy's like, "Do you ever feel old?" and McDreamy said, "No I'm a fetus." Awesome answer. He is so cute. Can you even believe the stuff he said to Meredith tonight? I want to marry you. I want to spend a lifetime with you. Etc., etc. WTF. She has no reaction but to giggle and try to run? Are you kidding me? Is this not the stability she has been searching for her whole life? Why yes, yes it is. I'm glad he basically said to her I'll wait, but if someone else comes along, well, tough shit. She needs to hear that.

Also I cried like an effing baby when the chief's niece said she was ready to die. Holy eff. That was horrible. Stupid Grey's always making me angry and then making me laugh and then making me cry.

The Office
First of all let me just say that I absolutely love the Pam and Jim stuff. I love it, I love it, I love it. Maybe some people say it was better before they got together. I totally disagree. I think it's wonderful and heartwarming, and it fills me with all-consuming envy. Wait...

Holy sweet Jesus-the beet farm B&B? I was losing my mind. Dwight said, "We make our own mattresses" and Jim hung up the phone to listen to him. Fantastic. When he was telling them the themes of the 3 rooms they had available, I yelled out "Irrigation!" and then Pam did. I think that means Jim should be dating me. Um that Moses guy is so effing creepy. When he was running along side the car, I couldn't even breathe. I like this quote by Jim when he's talking about what he imagined his first overnight trip with Pam would be: "I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure-just less." Oh and um...reading Harry Potter. Awesome.

I am so so sad for Dwight. OMG it's awful. I mean watching Andy try and pick up Angela is some of the best comedy ever (ABBA last week, anyone?). I mean just look at how he was standing at Pam's desk. Legs completely apart almost doing the splits. So awesome. But Dwight crying was tough to watch. The speech Jim gave him was-well, I'll admit it. I cried. He was spot on about what that pain feels like, huh? I knew he would get up and go kiss Pam. But even though I knew it was coming, it was still such a lovely moment.

The "whomever" conversation was classic. I love when Oscar said he didn't know how to use the word and Michael turned to the camera and said, "Not a native speaker." Also Creed's quote was great: "Michael is right. It's a made up word used to trick students." And the best quote of all was when Michael said to Toby: "No one asked you anything ever so whomever's name is Toby why don't you take a letter opener and stick it in your skull."

Other highlights:
-Scrantonicity 2
- Stanley in sweats, drinking red wine and watching his "mystery stories"
- Jim: "Hey, Dwight. You okay?" Dwight: "I'm better than you have ever been or ever will be."
- Ryan: "Hey, guys! What's happening? How's my favorite branch doing!?" He is the ultimate douchebag. It's brilliant.
- Kelly is completely insane and when she did the "whatever loser" hand signals, I freaked out. Because I totally do those, too.
- Darryl about how Kelly only wants him when Ryan's around: "It's getting to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door." I will make out with Darryl right now.
- Bankrupty is nature's do-over.
- I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!!

OFW '07

I went to the dentist today and got absolutely no action. What's up with that? I even wore a v-neck and told him I was feeling really vulnerable and needed to feel wanted again. But no dice. Just kidding-we totally did it. Oh wait I mean I was kidding about telling him I was vulnerable. Can you imagine if I said that? So, Sarah, how's it going? Any problems? Well, Dr. B, lately I've just been feeling really alone and like I just need to feel the human touch.

Ew I just gave myself the icky shivers.

So this weekend we did something really dorky which is shocking I know. Danielle and Sharda live basically down the street from each other in a city called OF. It's not actually called OF, but that's the abbreviation for their town. The boys went to NASCAR to pretend they are white trash. Just kidding. I know not everyone who likes NASCAR is white trash. Wait no, no-they are.

Anywho, since the boys were out of town we decided a couple months ago that we would have a girls night. Then Diane came up with the awesome idea of an OF Weekend where we spent the whole weekend in OF, and just like that OFW '07 was born.

Friday we would go to Sharda's house then Saturday we would head on down the street to Danielle's. We basically pretended like we were going out of town to Put in Bay but really we just went to a different suburb. Awesome.

As usual, I handled myself with the utmost grace and poise. Especially when I pretended like my body was making its own decisions and had to get up to dance to Chingy's "One Call Away" even without my brain's consent. At Sharda's we definitely drank an inordinate amount of wine and sang karaoke till 2am. I don't remember much about karaoke except that I made Diane pick my songs, and I sang some Backstreet Boys, Hilary Duff and The Carpenter's version of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas". Sharda made us egg/sausage/biscuit things and cinnamon bread for breakfast on Saturday and then I made out with her.

On Saturday we headed over to Danielle's where, in a twist on our usual routine, we drank and played karaoke. I also watched people played Dance Dance Revolution and Guitar Hero. Hey if you ever get the chance, watch your friends play Dance Dance Revolution for the first time ever. It is so funny you will pee. It was Danielle's game so she was really good at it. In fact she was so good Steph was like, "Maybe you should leave the house more."

The best karaoke-er was John's 4 year old son Josh. We handed him a mic and played the Michael Buble song "Home" on a CD since we didn't have a karaoke version, and he sang the entire thing-every single word. It was so wonderful and amazing it made my ovaries ache. I have got to get me one of those. A kid-not an ovary. Frankly, I have no place to put a third ovary. Not to mention it really doesn't go with my decor.

I'm happy to say I didn't do anything embarassing or inappropriate for my age at the end of the night Saturday. Unless you count when I threw up. Yeah I did, you guys. My goal was to have my 30th birthday party be the last time that happened because seriously at my age it's just sad. Well apparently I'm still sad person. Here's to no puking in 2008!

P.S. Speaking of Michael Buble, please go download his song "Everything". It's not brand new or anything, but it makes me want to dance around in a circle in my living room like a 5 year old. It's so lovely.

P.P.S. Even without the fondling, I had an exciting day at the dentist. Did you know you can brush your teeth too hard? Yeah. They told me I am brushing my teeth too hard, and it's making my gums recede. New friend Dr. Nate, what's up with that?

P.P.P.S. I am not talking about the Tribe on purpose at the risk of jinxing them. But I can't remain silent about this: Manny, you are a fucking douchebag ahole. Seriously? Watching your home run like it's winning the game when it's only making the score 7-3? You're still losing by 4 runs, asshole. Honestly just go home and hit on some high school chicks.

If I was clever I would have a double entendre using the word 'drill' or 'filling' or something

I took a lot of crap this weekend for how bad this blog has sucked the past 2 weeks. I will rectify that, I promise. Not today, though. Because once again I have passed out on my couch just barely waking up in enough time to get ready for work.

Let's quickly talk about this dentist who claims he has to rub women's boobs to treat TMJ. First of all, you have to at least respect his nerve for claiming that copping a feel is job-related. I mean like respect him from your home while he's sitting in jail. But I have a question about this part of the article:

"Deputy Attorney General Jeffrey Phillips gave Lew three new complaints, including one from a 31-year-old woman who said Anderson fondled her at least six times over two years.

She took to wearing tight shirts with high necklines, "and Anderson would still get in under her shirt and bra," according to a police report."

6 times. 2 years. Changing the outfit on purpose to avoid the fondling. Can I ask the obvious question here? What city does this lady live in that this guy is the only dentist she can go to? I'm assuming it's gated and the walls are guarded by men with guns so she is unable to leave the city limits, too. There is no other explanation for staying with a dentist who is regularly fondling you. Unless you are dating him. And let's be honest-nobody dates dentists. Just kidding, Meg whose dad is a dentist.

Also, I've never been fondled against my will, but I would think if my dentist was getting under my bra, I might have some sort of reaction. Like, I don't know, stopping him. At the very least saying something like this: "Um unless you're going to buy me dinner, doc, you best be getting your hand out of my shirt."

I have a dentist appointment on Tuesday. I'll let you guys know if I score.

Enter post title here

First a couple quick notes:

Indians, you are my density.

Conan, you just made a joke about Cleveland. Um...I'm not going to lie. It hurts. It hurts big time. But I know you didn't mean it. You're a performer, and you're just saying lines someone else wrote. We can still get married.

I know they're not putting Jack Bauer in jail. Why do you hate America, Los Angeles justice system?

I just watched a horror movie from 2004. Technically it wasn't a horror movie. It was Suzanne and AJ's wedding video. Listen if you ever find yourself getting a little cocky or, you know, feeling a little too confident, watch yourself dancing on a wedding video. That should take the wind out of your sails pretty darn quick. Trust me-once you see yourself playing air xylophone during "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", it's impossible to think of yourself as anything other than the biggest tool that has ever lived.

Also included on the video? One-on-one interviews with friends so we could send our well wishes. First of all, B was on the video giving his little congratulations message. It was the first time I'd seen him since he left, and I could've done without it, but I'll be honest-the air xylophone was exponentially worse. I mean I had changed into socks and tennis shoes and wore them with my bridesmaid dress for Christ's sake. Again I ask, why are people friends with me?

Second of all, apparently I didn't get the memo that we were supposed to say something real quick like, "Congratulations, Suz and AJ! I wish you the best of luck for a wonderful life together!" When they gave me the microphone, I suddenly had to tell 17 stories. It was like "Suz and AJ's Wedding starring Okay Seriously". They weren't even good stories. I was just playing with my hair and laughing nervously and refusing to look into the camera. Also at one point I said, "AJ, you were always the tall guy." What? The tall guy? That's what I came up with on his most important day ever? I should maybe practice in advance for what to say on Diane and Drew's video so I don't end up saying something like, "Diane, you're like a sister to me."

P.S. You guys should be watching "Reaper" because it's effing funny.

P.P.S. Happy Birthday to my October birthday friends. Thanks to 2 of you for turning 30 with me. At least you are here with me for a couple months. Holy shit I turn 31 in 2 months. I need to lie down.