Things I found out recently

- My dad stole a route 69 sign when he was in college

- I really loathe the sound of acrylic nails being tapped on a table. Like it makes me homicidal.

- When presented with cookout food, I will just keep eating and eating until I either fall asleep or someone takes the food away from me.

- I am an amazing golfer. Okay this one's not really true, I just wanted to find a way to squeeze in telling you that I totally got par on a par 3 hole on Sunday. I know that isn't a big deal for most people, but it is huge for me so praise me immediately.

- Apparently 3 year olds don't really have any idea who their mom is. A couple weeks ago Steph, Christy and I were at Wade Oval Wednesday sitting on a blanket drinking wine-it was really romantic. All of a sudden I felt two little hands on my shoulders. I turned around, and there was a little kid standing there yelling something. I had no idea what he was saying or why I was being accosted by him, but I have been accosted by less quality men before-and certainly less cute. Then he wrapped his arms around my neck and gave me a big hug at which point I realized his mother was sitting on the blanket next to us and he thought I was her. Once he realized I wasn't his mom, without missing a beat and completely unaffected by his mistake, he walked over to her and started yelling the same thing. About 10 seconds later his dad walked up almost in tears he was laughing so hard. Ways in which I looked like his mom: we are both female. I'm serious that was it. She had on glasses, I didn't. Her hair was straight and shoulderlength, mine was curly that day and long. Later on his dad came up with their younger son and said, "I thought I should introduce you to our other child since you are the other mommy." I waved hi and the little kid pointed at his mother and said, "Mommy?" It's like he was saying, "So listen you don't look like my mom, but my brother was kind of all over you, and I just need to make sure that I have all my parental figures straight for when I need something later-like if I need to go potty or if I need juice or if I need $20."

Shadowboxer

Today we have a new employee starting in my group. My manager asked that she shadow me for the day. I hope she is ready to learn how to surf the Internet and react appropriately to entertainment gossip.

Sometimes Sundays rule

Movies I watched today right after taking a 2 hour nap:

Adventures in Babysitting
Chasing Liberty
She's the Man

1. I am 13.

2. I am cheesy.

3. I am lazy.

4. Don't fuck with the babysitter.

5. Best day ever.

I'll Be There

I am utterly exhausted plus I have to wait for my sister to send me pictures so I'll post about Def Leppard tomorrow. Basically right now I'm just sad. I was so sad about Farrah Fawcett this morning. She had such a tough battle, and I was sad to see her lose it. I hope she was surrounded by people she loved.

And then...the big news.

We were at Winking Lizard before the concert tonight, and CNN was on a few of the TVs so we were watching the coverage as it happened. And we were completely freaking out. I feel like it will be one of those days where in 20 years people will be asking you "Where were you when Michael Jackson died?" And I'll say, "I was at Winking Lizard in Peninsula, Ohio, with my friends. Drinking a Sex on the Beach."

It was me, Diane, Drew, Sharda and Aloyd, and Drew was like, "I'm glad you guys are here to get me through this time." He might have been making fun of me, Sharda and Diane because we were seriously losing our minds. Aloyd brought up an interesting question: How much did cell phone traffic increase at that moment when they announced it? I was texting like 20 people for a solid 20 minutes myself. Also Aloyd was like, "What if you were the doctor working on Michael Jackson. Like trying to save Michael Jackson's life and nothing was working." Holy crap. That is heavy.

You guys, it's Michael Jackson! Not just some guy. The King of Pop! He changed the landscape of entertainment-not even just music. You know what other landscape he changed? MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD. I mean sure the last 15 years or so he was an extra weird dude living in crazy town. He had some pretty serious problems no doubt brought on by such an awful childhood. But my God-the man was a musical genius. I mourn for the talented little boy from the Jackson 5 and for literally the coolest guy of the 80's. The man wore only one glove and made it a fashion phenomenon. I wore only one glove on St. Patrick's Day once, and I got called a drunk.

RIP, MJ. I'm going to go listen to "Human Nature" now because seriously I love that effing song.

P.S. You guys, after we found out we were driving to the concert, and Diane put on "Man in the Mirror". Sharda and I started crying. I'm not even kidding. Diane basically told us to suck it up. Thirty seconds later she screamed, "It's too soon! I can't do it!" and turned it off.

Seriously loving them forever

I'm running out of ways to say how awesome the New Kids' concerts are. Sincerely. I've seen them now 3 times in 8 months, and each time was different. Some notable things about last night:

1. We bought the tickets for this concert on our drive home from Columbus after the last concert. Literally the next morning after we saw them, we were buying tickets again. Awesome.

2. We took Paul's 10 year old son Andy with us. He loves the New Kids (their new stuff-he's not as enamored with the old stuff as us old ladies are). When we went to the concerts last time he asked Diane if he could go the next time we went. So for his birthday (in a couple weeks), Uncle Drew and Aunt Diane bought him a ticket to the show. It was his first concert ever, and I think he really loved it. He brought his allowance money so he could buy a t-shirt (Dad helped since the shirts there are like $900 million), and he put it on right away. He knew all the words to all the songs and was singing along and yelling. It was so cute. Diane gave him this warning before we went: "Aunt Diane and the girls get a little crazy at these concerts so if you see us acting weird and screaming, just ignore us." At one point, Donnie was shaking his butt and Diane was screaming her head off. She looked down and Andy was looking up at her horrified. Also bonus awesome story:

Jen, Paul's wife and Andy's stepmom, was also at the concert but not sitting with us. During "I'll Be Loving You Forever" Andy looked up at Diane and goes, "What do you think Jen's doing right now?" And Diane said, "Probably singing." And Andy goes, "I think she's crying."

3. Before they sang "Dirty Dancing" they played a clip from the movie "Dirty Dancing". It was the scene where Johnny Castle comes back, walks up to the Houseman's table and says, "Nobody puts Baby in the corner." The place went absolutely apeshit.

4. The boys came out to the back of the pavilion to sing one of their songs, and we were seriously right by Joe. And pretty close to Jordan, too. I'm pretty sure that counts as meeting them. I mean, it's really all I need to be convinced to tell people that.

5. Joe is beautiful. Like one of the most beautiful creatures on this Earth. Good Lord.

6. Only diehards will think this is awesome, but Joe sang "Popsicle". POPSICLE, you guys!! I think Diane, Renee and I were the only people singing along, but in a nutshell, I lost my fucking mind.

7. Drew was there. Drew did not want to go. But he wanted Andy to go, and he knew Andy would want him to be there. And you know what? I think he had fun. When they played the new songs he danced and sang along (because that album is great goddammit), and when they sang old songs he watched us and laughed. Plus the New Kids really put on an entertaining show. There's so much to look at. Drew, you loved it. Just admit it.

8. One of my favorite moments was about halfway through the concert when Kim said she was going to stop screaming because she didn't want to lose her voice for work the next day. Then Donnie proceeded to shake his ass for the camera, and she immediately screamed her ass off. Later on she goes, "I mean come on-I'm only human."

Tomorrow night? Def Leppard, Poison and Cheap Trick. For real, people. God I already love this summer.

Quick recap of New Kids concert using Twitter technology

From Joe: "Cleveland rocks!!! harder and harder every time. Much more to say about show but I'm out 4 now"

From Donnie: "Cleveland this is da best, most appropriate pic, to post after this show. We bow 2U with humility! You were awesom"

Okay Donnie needs to work on his spelling. But he posted a picture of the concert-he and the guys bowing on stage with all the fans in the background. If you are wondering if I enjoyed the concert, well, I actually left a comment on Donnie's picture. I commented directly to Donnie Wahlberg. That is like one step away from writing a fan letter, right? Or maybe it's the same. You know what? I don't care. My ears are still ringing and my heart is still happy so if I end up accidentally writing fan mail to someone who calls himself DDub then so be it. Last time I did that they sent me an 8x10 picture of them with already printed signatures on it.

More on this magical night tomorrow.

Letters for June 22, 2009

Dear Target Cashier Girl,
I owe you an apology. I was overly bitchy tonight, and I'm sorry. To be fair, I had to go to the bathroom so bad I feared some sort of explosion was about to take place. And also I had been informed that most functioning adults when faced with any piece of literature that required turning pages would be able to do so within his or her lifetime.

Note for readers: My mom bought something which was marked on sale but didn't come up that way so she said, "I think those are on sale." Cashier Girl ignored her for a few minutes then slowly pulled out this week's Target circular ad. Let me just say, without a shred of hyperbole, that I have never in 32 years of life on this planet seen someone so inept at turning a page. Turning a page! This is a skill we pick up when we are 3 years old. But she couldn't get any of the pages apart. It took everything my mom had to not burst out laughing. My reaction? An audible "Are you freaking kidding me right now?" My mom's nicer than me. Eventually I just turned into an uber-bitch because seriously you're putting us through this for like $2? Come on, Target. The Target I used to work for would never have even questioned it. Plus my excretory system was literally screaming, "TURN THE PAGE, BITCH!" Walking out to the car, 27 years later, my mom goes, "That was like watching a live action blog post."

Cashier Girl, despite your shortcomings (lack of fine motor skills), I reacted unreasonably, and I am sorry for that. You didn't deserve to have someone be rude to you-especially someone whose hair looked the way mine did tonight. Yes I own a mirror. I know you were wondering. It wasn't a good hair day, okay? Here I will buy you one of these. We cool?

Dear E!Online,
Please, please, please keep this promise.

Dear Jon and Kate,
I used to love you when you were just a loving couple trying to raise a big family. I weep for your children-sincerely. You guys are both complete assholes.

Dear bees,
Get out of my trellis! Note to readers: That sounds dirty but it's not. I have bees in my trellis. Giant man-eating bees.

Dear ants,
Get out of my bush! Note to readers: Man, you guys are sick.

Dear New Kids,
See you tomorrow night.

Dear Readers,
OH. YES. WE. ARE! That's 3 times in 8 months. More details to come, but I will just leave you with this. I follow Donnie and Joey on Twitter (stalker much?), and this is what Donnie...tweeted? twittered? twatted? (you guys that's gross) today:

"Back in the U.S. Hate to leave the incredible fans of Canada behind but if we have to- one of the three best crowds ever was in CLEVELAND!!!"

Eat it, bitches.

Big news in the music world delivered to me via text

John: Lionel Richie has a new song I think

Me: Awesome. have you heard it?

John: yes. it uses autotune.

Me: that's disappointing

John: it's actually not bad

John: I mean it's no ballerina girl

Me: Does it seem conducive to making a clay sculpture of lionels head while listening to it?

John: yes. only if it's happening in the caribbean though

Things I've gotten recently that I am thoroughly enjoying

Grease/Grease 2 two-pack DVD set

The song "Fire Burning" by Sean Kingston

Cherry Coke ICEE (literally the most delicious thing I've ever tasted)

Ricky Vaughn bobblehead

Henry, who 5 minutes ago crawled up in my lap then up my torso and threw his two front legs around my neck to give me a hug. This is as close as I get to being a mother right now unless I count the way I talk to and take care of my plants. Please let's not count that. Life is sad enough.

Still drinking

Saturday we stopped in on a weekend-long celebration happening in the Flats. The Harbor Inn was celebrating its 40th anniversary with a block party called Wally World. Wally is the owner of the bar. There was live music, drinks, games, food and more drinks. And Wally wearing a giant crown the entire weekend. Our plan was to go to Wally World for a couple hours and then head up to a pub crawl downtown. Sidenote: I have done more pub crawls in the past 3 years than I ever even did in college. I thought things were supposed to die down when you got past 30?

We decided to take it easy at Wally World so we could last through the pub crawl. Fifteen minutes later we were each a full drink and 2 jello shots in. And we were like, "Oh okay so it's one of those nights." I'm blaming part of our inability to control our drinking on the greatest band ever: Cruisin'. Just look at that guy. That's Ron Howard, the founder of the band. He is glorious. Seriously peruse their songlist. It's amazing. Soft rock, Motown-awesome.

No one was really dancing, but since we had drank (drunk?) about 20 of these in addition to lots of vodka and/or beer, we couldn't sit still any longer. Especially with Cruisin' playing. Seriously I can't say enough about this band. Anyway, we started dancing, and listen I don't want to brag or anything, but seriously as soon as we started dancing, everyone else started, too. That might be our only talent: looking so unbelievably stupid that we actually instill the confidence in others necessary for them to get up and dance.

To our dismay, Cruisin' had to take a break. However, Steph and I used that as our chance to meet the band. We walked up to the drummer and asked them where they usually played. He said, "Oh Ron has schedules. I'll make sure you get one!" As we walked away, we had this conversation:

Me: Oh my God we're best friends.
Steph: Remember that time they asked us to be in the band?
Me: Remember how they asked us to tour with them?
Steph: And we were like, 'Give us your schedule, and we'll see if we can fit it in.'?

Yeah. Zero to crazy in under 30 seconds. That's how fast we get there.

A couple minutes later, Ron Howard, the lead singer and founder, walked over and gave us business cards and told us to check out the web site. And told us we were best friends (I'm not letting go of that.) Later Steph was in line for the bathroom, and she started a conversation with the girl next to her about the band. Steph started telling the girl that we were pretty good friends with them, and showed the girl Ron Howard's business card. At that point, the girl completely lost her mind laughing. She actually was with the band. Like for real. Dammit.

Once Cruisin' was done playing, we decided we no longer needed to be there. Life was just not as bright without them. So we headed to our pub crawl already so drunk that we called Woody and literally threatened his life/face if he didn't come meet us out. Incidentally, he didn't and none of us noticed. It says nothing about our feelings for Woody. It says everything about how messy we were.

The pub crawl portion of the night is rather hazy for me. What I know is that we didn't last long, I hung up on my sister because "Sugar" by Flo Rida came on and I "had to dance", I stole a Blo Pop from a bathroom attendant lady, Christy doesn't remember eating a full meal, I took a cab like 15 miles further than I was originally going to and Christy lost her wallet.

On Sunday, you guys will be happy to know that I got back on the horse, er, bike. I haven't ridden Lucky since "the incident". Not because I was scared, but because my knee hurt so bad. It's still in a lot of pain, but it's manageable, and I missed my Lucky so I thought it was time. I am happy to report, I did not fall off. I did not attempt to go up any 1.5" curbs out of concern for my life/pride. However, that changed tonight. Tonight I took on two of my greatest bike enemies: the 1.5" curb and getting the mail. Both have been defeated, each sent home a dejected loser. You know, I really shouldn't mock them. Lord knows they could each easily take me out again. I picture them each as Dr. Claw, sitting in their chair stroking their evil cat saying, "I'll get you next time, Okay Seriously!" I'm a pretty normal person.

Also on Sunday, Steph and Meg went strawberry picking. Obviously. I texted Steph later in the day asking how it went, and she said she was going to make me jam. A few hours later, I received this text: "Just caused kitchen fire. Dont put paper plates in microwave! Dammit. Making jam is hard! And dangerous." What Steph doesn't know is that I did not realize that paper plates could catch on fire in a microwave so she has actually saved my life without knowing it. Thanks, Steph (cue "The More You Know" jingle here.)

Final note: My family sang the National Anthem at the Indians game last night like we do every year for the past few years. In the middle, the camera guy for the Jumbotron had the camera trained on us from like 2 feet away. It was on us for so long and made me so uncomfortable that as soon as he turned it off, I started laughing. Then Diane laughed. Then I literally couldn't stop. I had the full blown giggles. In the middle of singing the National Anthem. I just thought you'd all like to know that my previous fears have been realized: I am an actual national disgrace. I apologize. If it helps at all, you should know that in 8th grade I wore an American flag t-shirt almost every other day that I bought at Wearhouse of Fashions for like $3.99. And I totally tucked it in in the front but not in the back. God Bless the USA.