Letters for June 22, 2009

Dear Target Cashier Girl,
I owe you an apology. I was overly bitchy tonight, and I'm sorry. To be fair, I had to go to the bathroom so bad I feared some sort of explosion was about to take place. And also I had been informed that most functioning adults when faced with any piece of literature that required turning pages would be able to do so within his or her lifetime.

Note for readers: My mom bought something which was marked on sale but didn't come up that way so she said, "I think those are on sale." Cashier Girl ignored her for a few minutes then slowly pulled out this week's Target circular ad. Let me just say, without a shred of hyperbole, that I have never in 32 years of life on this planet seen someone so inept at turning a page. Turning a page! This is a skill we pick up when we are 3 years old. But she couldn't get any of the pages apart. It took everything my mom had to not burst out laughing. My reaction? An audible "Are you freaking kidding me right now?" My mom's nicer than me. Eventually I just turned into an uber-bitch because seriously you're putting us through this for like $2? Come on, Target. The Target I used to work for would never have even questioned it. Plus my excretory system was literally screaming, "TURN THE PAGE, BITCH!" Walking out to the car, 27 years later, my mom goes, "That was like watching a live action blog post."

Cashier Girl, despite your shortcomings (lack of fine motor skills), I reacted unreasonably, and I am sorry for that. You didn't deserve to have someone be rude to you-especially someone whose hair looked the way mine did tonight. Yes I own a mirror. I know you were wondering. It wasn't a good hair day, okay? Here I will buy you one of these. We cool?

Dear E!Online,
Please, please, please keep this promise.

Dear Jon and Kate,
I used to love you when you were just a loving couple trying to raise a big family. I weep for your children-sincerely. You guys are both complete assholes.

Dear bees,
Get out of my trellis! Note to readers: That sounds dirty but it's not. I have bees in my trellis. Giant man-eating bees.

Dear ants,
Get out of my bush! Note to readers: Man, you guys are sick.

Dear New Kids,
See you tomorrow night.

Dear Readers,
OH. YES. WE. ARE! That's 3 times in 8 months. More details to come, but I will just leave you with this. I follow Donnie and Joey on Twitter (stalker much?), and this is what Donnie...tweeted? twittered? twatted? (you guys that's gross) today:

"Back in the U.S. Hate to leave the incredible fans of Canada behind but if we have to- one of the three best crowds ever was in CLEVELAND!!!"

Eat it, bitches.