Txt me srsly

Seriously how did it become June 8th already? Am I living in perpetual warp speed?

My cell phone is full so I am clearing out text messages. Sample of texts in my inbox, unedited (except for when one spelled out my full name-easy, stalkers!):

going for gayest dad award

We got you a bachelorette party because i'm having a bachelor party. Fyi.

it took me so long to run it that i developed a smallpox vaccination en route

The Magic just got Ehlo'd big time.

This is a fuck.

I told my boss about the Cleveland part of the Cinco de Useless gag. He almost peed. U almost made my boss pee.

Is that dans i wanna fuck look or i miss u look? either way im slightly aroused.

And have kids. I hear the government will support you if you don't work and have kids. Ill look into it. And I bet our parents too. Ill start drinking more too.

Easter is not easter until u find Nkotb sheets in your parents' linen closet.

oh full time. i'm not mr rogers

I requersted blue da ba dee

Sometimes i worry radio show fest fri was highlight of my life. When that thought occurs i need to be held.

do me a favor. make out with Tania for me if you see her.

can u bring me some new pants

Sober Sarah + cooking = Bad Idea; Wine + Sarah + cooking = Don't worry I am already dialing 911

i wore 2 fanny packs all day yesterday.

Poor charlie brown. Do you think he'll ever get the little red haired girl?

Arent we? should i put my pants on?

6 wineries down. many to go. canada rules but no cheese or hot mountees.

Remember when stevie wonder was on cosby show?

Cause I'm easy...Easy like Okay Seriously!

you know what. the Smart car is not manly at all.

Dan is lookn for a threesum but not the bad kind that he normally gets

It was ky, but yes he yelled Vaseline. He's a jiffy lube guy.

Its when my crabs start dribbling...unpleasant

try not to pee your depends tonight.

That's because we realize you are never going to put out.

baby arm

U can run u can hide but u cant escape our love...love meg and diane.

pretty soon you get to learn what go for toss on our face means

Fyi-I had a pinky ring.

And one of the last ones in my Sent folder:

If i give my Mighty Ducks trilogy vhs tapes to the church garage sale will u buy me the dvd version for my bday? i am nervous