Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Tips for the First Time Kayaker by Okay Seriously

1. Ride tandem with Meg or someone who is equally as clueless as you are. Sit in the back which you find out later makes you the person in charge of steering. Note: you should never be in charge of anything.

2. When the teenage worker boys push you into the water and you detect an audible grunt, think "Did they just call me fat?"

3. As soon as you are in the water, drift toward a concrete wall.

4. Scream like little girls.

5. Ask Matt, Steph, Drew and Diane for help getting you away from the wall and receive none because they are too busy laughing at you.

6. Have random boaters who are passing by yell out "paddle left to go right!" and thank them for their help while you do what they say.

7. Immediately start floating backwards down the river.

8. Look at Matt for any help as you are seriously going backwards down the river and watch him as he almost tips himself over from laughing so hard.

9. Eventually get the boat turned around and decide you are tired so stop paddling and let Meg do all the work.

10. Pass by a group of people who are fishing and when one of the guys yells out, "Hey-why aren't you helping?", reply, "Because I'm a lazy piece."

11. Quickly begin paddling again when Meg twirls around with an accusing stare after fisherman dude sells you out for not helping.

12. Literally every 3 seconds almost run into a dock, a tree limb, a concrete wall or a passing boat and have to try and straighten yourself out.

13. Ram Diane and Drew's boat like 30 times and try to find a way to connect your boats making it so Drew is rowing for all of you.

14. Make a sad face as Drew pushes you away with his oar.

15. While your friends are trying to peacefully and quietly kayak through the marina surrounded by gorgeous, million dollar mansions, yell out at the top of your lungs, "Does anyone who lives here want to get married!? I don't care if you are male or female!! LET'S DO THIS!!!" Watch as your friends try to kayak away. Feel bad for Meg who can't get away.

16. Drop your sunglasses in the lake and right before they sink into the abyss, snatch them from the depths. You are Wonder Woman. You cannot be beaten.

17. Shortly after bragging about being Wonder Woman, realize that you're pretty sure you lost Diane and Drew's sunscreen in the river somewhere. Don't listen to them as they yell at you for insisting on bringing it with you in the first place.

18. Along with Meg, start to get whiny and moany about having to constantly correct your steering. Seriously it's starting to really piss you off.

19. Finally make it back to the launch point and watch Meg completely give up on trying to steer you away from things. As you drift toward Diane and Drew's boat, listen to Meg start to fake cry/scream, "I don't want to do this anymore!!!".

20. Run into Diane's boat.

21. Almost fall getting out of the boat. Let the teenager who thinks you're fat help you out.

22. Ride in Matt's convertible and keep your arms up the whole time like you're in a rollercoaster.

23. Go get ice cream.


Anonymous said...

You forgot...when done kayaking walk away from your boat, leaving the teenager carrying half of steph's kayak having to carry half of yours also as steph and meg try and split him in two not realizing he is doing double duty and you are long gone. Man, I LOVE kayaking with you.

Also, you forgot, be a first time kayaking guru after guzzling bloody marys for brunch. Makes the balance thing that much more fun. -Steph

Skeezix said...

I would like to drink with you all and then go kayaking.
This is what I would bring to the party:

Randomly freaking out that a lake monster is going to tip over the kayak and eat you. Yes, I'm not kidding. It could happen.

Pull out the bottles of beer I've hidden somewhere on my person and start drinking while my partner does the paddling.

And if there is a campsite without toliets later on be pushed into a holly bush while pee-ing by some friends.

Vicky said...

um, you rule.

Shazza said...

This brought back memories of a canoe trip I did many, many, many years ago. There were 8 of us and naturally the only two that had never canoed before ended together.

They got much better after the the wine break we took mid-way!

Poetikat said...

My mother-in-law is 75 and puts me to shame. She is an expert kayak enthusiast who goes on world-trips and kayaks like a champ.
I would like to kayak, really I would, but after learning there might be spiders and god-knows-what lurking in the boat, I have to say, I'll give it a miss. Hilarious post though.


Sizzle said...

I never ever sit in the back on a tandem kayak. I can't even steer a shopping cart without running into something.

minijonb said...

mmmn... ice cream!

= : - )

Mon said...

If no one fell in the water, call it a successful trip! Ive never kayaked, I canoe....and someone always falls in. If they don't you make them. Good times! Suggestion next time you want to piggyback on someones boat, come up from the rear, its harder to push you away =)

katie said...