Tony, Tony, Tony has done it again

I haven't finished writing my Lost recap, but I will post it tonight. Here is the main theme of it: HOLYFUCKINGSHIT. In the meantime, let me tell you about our weekend.

This weekend Mom was not the only person we celebrated. Our friend Tony was also a guest of honor. Things I've told you about Tony that are awesome:

- When he comes to town he just calls people up and says, "Hey I'm coming into town tomorrow. I'm staying at your house." No one cares because he is the perfect house guest.
- He hosted a Memorial Day party-at Diane and Drew's house.
- He has a government job that he literally can't talk to us about.
- He is naked a lot.

Well, Tony got a new job. It's still for the government, and it pays well. Oh and it's in Afghanistan. For an entire year.Here was my reaction when he told me the news last month: "Are you fucking kidding me? No seriously-are you kidding me? Goddammit, Tony. Well, congratulations!" I am a pretty supportive friend. Sharda came in a few minutes later and he told her and she was all, "Congratulations! I know this is what you really wanted so that's awesome!" Tony was like, "Why can't you react like that, Sarah?" Because I am not a suck up like Sharda. Just kidding, Sharda. [cough]brown-noser[cough] Honestly my initial gut reaction was one of pure selfishness and concern. I don't want Tony to be in Afghanistan. I don't want any of my friends to be in Afghanistan. I don't know if you've heard, but it's not really safe there. There are like really big bugs and sand storms and stuff. Oh and persistent violence.

After my first thought of concern for Tony's safety, my second thought was 'A whole year?? Without Tony??' Since most of you are not friends with Tony, you don't understand how much the prospect of a year without him just completely sucks. I really can't say enough good things about him-he's funny, smart, always in a good mood, has a sense of duty that I really don't understand but completely admire and above all that he's just extremely likeable. I'm not exaggerating when I say that his visits are always highlights of the year and always result in legendary stories. Last week at happy hour we started thinking about all our favorite Tony stories, and then suddenly it was 3 hours later and we were laughing so hard we were crying and we weren't even close to being done. Last time he was in town, we hung out on a Saturday night and my stomach actually hurt the next day from laughing. I felt like I had done 1000 situps. He's that guy. So, yes, my first reaction at hearing I wouldn't get to see him for a year was basically 'It's not fair!

My third thought? 'We need to have a party.' So that's what we did on Saturday. Um...this party was awesome. On Monday Dan asked me, "How was your party?" and I answered, "So fun I almost called in sick today." So fun I am having trouble remembering things to post.

Tony brought his girlfriend, Marlene, so we could all meet her. She told me she was ready to be grilled by all of us. After asking her about her job, I started in with the hardball questions: "How do you get your hair so shiny?" "How come your skin is so nice?" You guys, I should definitely be allowed around new people especially when drinking vodka. I'm sure she wasn't at all scared of me and my Single White Female routine. Sorry, Marlene. You are lovely, and we were so happy to meet you. Also I'm pretty sure you could kick my ass-both physically and in a Best Skin contest.

As usual, details are fuzzy. Here are the highlights of what I remember:

- At one point Marlene said, "So is there going to be a dance party? I was told you guys have awesome dance parties." I'm happy to say we delivered on that.

- "Cherish" by Madonna came on, and Diane did her signature Cherish dance where she rolls around on the floor like Madonna does on the beach in the video. Then Renee decided she would be the mermaid from the video and laid down on the grown and basically started flopping around like a fish.

- Matt said he was leaving then stayed for another half hour because every time he tried to leave an awesome song came on. Finally "The Thong Song" came on, which he stayed for, then he goes, "I'm going to end this day like I started it: singing "The Thong Song". Then he left.

- Marlene yelled out in the middle of the dance party, "I LOVE THIS PLACE!" Yes you do, Marlene. Come live here.

- Bob undid his pants and then got down on the ground and did The Worm. I have no idea why the pants needed to be undone for that.

- At around 11:30, Carrie, mother of twins, said, "I guess I better go soon since I have to get up with the girls tomorrow." She had a bottle of water in one hand and a glass in the other. I looked into the glass. It was filled with whiskey. Two hours later, Carrie was in the middle of the living room dancing. The bottle of water was nowhere to be found. Awesome.

- Woody got drunk and told Steph, Meg and Christy he was going to Europe with them. Then he planned a fancy dinner for us the next night and didn't show up because he was too hungover.

- Paul and Jen left at about 3:15am (Jen is 7 months pregnant). Paul came back in 5 minutes later because he forgot something and immediately took his pants off and ran around in his underwear. Tony, feeling left out, yelled, "Me too!" and took his off. Then they both sat on me bare-assed. It was special.

- Tony got naked. In my drunken haze I think I fell for the old "I sat in gum" trick. At any rate I saw Tony's junk-for about the 50th time. And I was so happy I did because that's what will keep me going for the next year: the image of Tony drunk, laughing and showing everyone his twig 'n' berries.

- We played some songs especially for Tony:

- "B.O.B. (Bombs Over Baghdad)" by Outkast. During this song Diane kept saying to me, "Get it, Sarah? Do you get it?"
- "Let's Do It For Our Country" from the Grease 2 soundtrack. During this song, the girls sang at the top of our lungs. Marlene's reaction: "What is happening right now?" Bob's reaction: "Can we stop singing songs from movies that went straight to video?"
- "Believe It or Not" by Joey Scarbury. Most of you will recognize this as the theme song to "The Greatest American Hero". During this song, Tony stood in the middle of all of us and did some Jack Bauer moves.
- "Africa" by Toto. At first glance you're thinking, 'How is this relevant?' Well it wasn't...until we changed the word "Africa" to "Afghanistan". So it went a little something like this: "I bless the rains down in Afghanistan!" That's gold, Jerry. We did it as a surprise to Tony. I think it was Bob's idea. We passed it around the group telephone-style then when we sang it we decided we were the most clever, hilarious people on Earth. Tony mustered up as much enthusiasm as he could for something that dumb with a chuckle and "Ahh-yeah I get it, guys. Thanks."
- "Hello" by Lionel Richie. I think this one is self-explanatory.

Tony, I hope you had fun. I know I did. We are going to miss you so much. A year is a long time, but now that we are old I know it will fly by. Things will probably be really different when you get back next year. And by really different I mean almost exactly the same except maybe I will have 7 gray hairs instead of 5. Also Jen and Paul will have a new baby, but I mean that's only different depending your definition of the word.

The main thing I would like you to take with you, Tony, is that we love you and we are so proud of you. Thank you for what you're doing, and please come home to us safe and sound. Make sure you email us and keep your Facebook updated. You are our personal Jack Bauer-just maybe a little bit nerdier-but still our hero. We love you!