Friday, May 29, 2009

Tweet this

So Twitter is in my face all the time, right? I have no idea what it is or what it is for, but I know that Jim Gaffigan is on it, and I know that I need to know what he is doing at all times. So I decided to finally go read up on it and find out what this gosh darn Twittering business is all about.

Yeah I totally joined it.

I am so weak. And honestly I don't get the point, but it seems like a way for me to pretend I'm friends with celebrities while simultaneously giving me something to do besides work at work. Naturally I am on board with both of those things. One drawback: I am only allowed to update 1,000 times per day. 1,000 times per day seriously? Are people updating this thing 1,000 times per day!? That is like...insane-o crazy go out and interact with real human beings stuff there.

Here is the worst part: I tried to make my screen name "okayseriously". It was taken, you guys. So was "okseriously". I will fight whoever these imposters are. I doubt any of them fell off their bike recently. I struggled over what to make my screen name for a little bit trying to make it as clever as possible and even going so far as considering "oksrsly", but ultimately I couldn't bring myself to abbreviate the word "seriously" like that. It's atrocious. Then I reached the apex of my creativity and decided on (drumroll, please): seriouslyokay. Whoosh. That one took a lot out of me. I really don't know how I think this stuff up.

Anyway, my point is not to ask any of you to follow me-I would never wish that upon you-but to explain that once again I am like 4 years behind on what everyone else in the world is doing. Most likely Twitter will be gone next week, and there will be some new technology in its place with a weird name that sounds vaguely dirty and that invites pedophiles further into your life. I'll join it in 4 years.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Lucky charm

I have a new best friend. He is so pretty and takes me places, and I like to ride him every day. Here's a picture of him:

His name is Lucky. I got him a month ago. I have wanted a bike for years but every time I would go to pull the trigger, I would decide it was too much money for something I would barely use. Well that's not entirely true-I bought one once a few years ago at a police department bike auction. They auction off bicycles that are recovered from thieves and never claimed. I bought a bike there then took it home to my apartment. Within a month it was stolen out of our garage. I think it was stolen was because it was a stolen bike-that was its purpose, its raison d'etre if you will and it just wanted to get back to its old life. A bike like that can't thrive in captivity. I'm sure that's the reason it was stolen and not because in 5 years we never closed the garage door once.

A month ago I decided that I was definitely going to buy myself a bike with my tax refund. I dragged Diane and Drew to the bicycle store with me. A nice lady approached us and this is how the exchange went:

Bicycle Lady: Hi. How can I help you?
Me: I want a bicycle. I don't really know anything about bicycles.
BL: Okay. Well what kinds of things will you be using it for? How will you use it most?
Me: I want to ride around my neighborhood. And the Metroparks. And I want to go to Rite Aid.
BL: O...kaaaayyy...
Me: My friend told me I should look at "comfort" bikes. [note: I did airquotes.]

That actually made sense to the nice Bike Lady so she took me over to look at bikes, and I found one I really liked for a pretty good price. She said we could test ride it. Diane and I looked at each other nervously then said, "Yeah great!"

Why the nervous look? Neither of us had ridden a bike in years. 17 years for me. I got on the bike and just started kind of shimmying back and forth and saying, "How do I make it go?" I finally got going and wobbled all over the place for a few minutes before I found my balance. It was glorious. I knew immediately I had to have it. Incidentally when Diane got on to test ride it she had the same wobbly issue then headed straight for my car. I was like, "Diane, turn." Pause. "Diane, turn." Pause. "DIANE, TURN!" Luckily she turned before she sideswiped my car. I think the Bike Lady was pretty excited about us testing out the store's brand new unsold merchandise given our skill level.

Less than a week later, I was back at the store making my purchase including a bunch of dorky accessories like a bag on the back, fenders and a kickstand which apparently is extremely uncool these days. But seriously how can I sit it upright in my driveway to take pictures of it without a kickstand?

He is so so pretty. Here's another picture:

Here is a picture of my helmet which simultaneously makes me look like an expert biker and a total fucking dork:

When I told John I was getting a bike, I was like, "Do I need a helmet?" And John said, "You? YOU definitely need a helmet." Shut up, John.

I have ridden Lucky almost every day since I bought him. I know that sounds dirty, but that's all part of the fun. I love him! It's definitely one of the best investments I've ever made.

Up until this past Friday, I had been incident-free. Then this Friday I had a terrifying run-in with a car. The harrowing tale follows.

First some facts you need to know:

1. My mailbox is essentially across the street from my house.
2. In my neighborhood, a car comes roughly once every 15 minutes.
3. I am 32.

While waiting for my dad to come over, I went to go get the mail. I decided to hop on my bike, ride around the block and pick up my mail on the way back. I left my driveway and went around the corner. It was at that time I noticed a car was coming up behind me. For reasons unknown, I felt I needed to get out of the car's way since a) it was going roughly 10mph and b) there was literally no other car for miles. I have no idea why, you guys, but you know you can't apply logic to most of my thinking so don't try now. I went up onto the curb.

Let me rephrase that: I tried to go up onto the curb. I did not, as the experts say, "make it".

I have no idea what happened, but I couldn't get up over the curb. I started wobbling, I thought, "Oh God this is it. I'm going over." And BAM-I was on the ground.

I landed with full force on my right knee, elbow and both hands. Here are the thoughts I had in the order in which I had them:

Holy shit, Sarah.

Holy crap that van is going to stop and check on me, aren't they. This is horrible.

Where is that van? Oh-it turned before it even got to me.

Oh my God did anyone else see that?

Holy fuck my knee hurts. I don't know if I can get up.

Did I rip my jeans?

Okay I didn't rip my jeans. Thank God. These are new.

I want my mommy.

Good Lord are my palms bleeding? Ew.

Sarah, get up, get on your bike and ride away like nothing happened.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. It's broken. I broke my new bike.

Okay it's just the chain. Piece of cake. Oh my God why isn't this going back on. Please, Lucky. Please work so I can go home and see if I am bleeding all over my jeans.

Finally. Okay start pedaling.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Get the mail. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

This is about when my father showed up. I had just finished washing all the dirt out of my palm wounds, putting a bandaid on my bleeding elbow and cleaning the blood out of the inside of my jeans. He was like, "Why are you walking like that? Is something wrong with your foot?" I looked down in shame and replied, "I fell off my bicycle." He offered to take me to the emergency room as I felt my knee growing bigger and bigger, but I refused to go to the ER because I fell off my bicycle at age 32. He said we could make up a cooler story about why I was hurt. I do so love my pops. By the way, my mom's first reaction to this story: "Were you wearing your helmet?" Right? So the correct Mom response.

The injury report is that I scraped up my palms and elbow, badly bruised my left ankle to the point where I can't where anything but flip flops because it's so swollen and disgusting (completely black and blue and green) and I destroyed my right knee. Besides there being no skin left on it, it is beyond swollen and sore. I'm finally walking with only a slight limp, but I can't walk up stairs normally, I can't bend it very far and by about 7pm each night, it is throbbing.

Here is a drawing to give you a better idea about where this took place. It was literally around the corner from my house:

I've drawn the path the car took to reiterate that the car turned before it even got to me.
Seriously there is no bigger moron than me. Like in the world. Ever. (This is where my mom said, "You're not a moron! You're just clumsy! You have been your whole life." Oh okay that's better.) 'But, Sarah,' some of you nice people are saying, 'Curbs are high. How could you have expected to jump one?' Because, folks, this wasn't a normal curb. This was like a driveway curb. It is roughly 1.5 inches high. I couldn't glide up over a 1.5 inch driveway curb.

This might be why John told me I need a helmet.

Follow up notes:
1. No less than 7 people have told me I need training wheels.
2. Steph texted me and said that she heard a saying that when you have sex for the first time in a long while, it's like riding a bike and that I have basically given new meaning to that phrase. I told her, "All I'm saying is in that situation, people should wear knee pads and elbow pads."
3. I can't wait to heal so I can ride my bike again.

Completely unrelated P.S. Some of you know I spend an inordinate amount of time watching "Golden Girls" reruns. I am watching one now and clicked "Info" on my remote to get the episode summary. This is what it says: "An ill friend wants to end her life. Comedy." Comedy indeed. Suicide is hilarious, you sassy senior citizen senoritas!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Live together, die alone

Before we get to the Lost finale, I need to mention this TV related item: Did anyone watch “Glee” tonight? It’s a new show starting in the fall, but they played the pilot tonight. It’s basically about show choir. I mean yeah it’s about the kids and the teacher who runs it, and it’s cute and fun, but oh my God it’s about show choir, and that, for me, makes it the best show ever. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I am the biggest choir geek in the universe. I am not even joking, I am obsessed with choirs. I have been in many of them throughout my lifetime, and I not only love being a part of them, but I love watching them in every form. I was never in show choir in high school, though ours was fantastic. It’s not that I didn’t have the singing skills-it’s that being in show choir requires dancing. I think we all remember what happened to me when I tried out for the high school musical. Ugh-I feel a little sick thinking about it. The point is I am a terrible dancer especially when choreography is involved. And since that’s like a main component of show choir, I was never able to be a part of it. That didn’t stop me from loving it with all my heart, however, and now they made a show about it, and I almost want to cry. Plus Lea Michele is in it and she is an actual Broadway star! The story parts and characters were all lovely and fine, but every time there was singing, my heart leapt. Seriously. I don’t even care that at the end it was completely impossible that only 5 people were singing “Don’t Stop Believing” because it was so pretty and cute and it was effing Journey. I may or may not have just purchased it off of iTunes. Sigh. I am such a dork.

Okay moving on.

The night of the “Lost” finale had all the elements to make a great night of TV watching: my friend Lindsay, homemade dinner not homemade by me, wine, me accidentally going to the basement parking garage when I was trying to leave Lindsay’s apartment. Fantastic.

In my head and, unfortunately for Lindsay, out loud I had a running blog commentary going. Below I recreated what it was like to be in the room with me (and in my head). I apologize in advance:

- What is the deal with the opening scene? What the hell are they talking about? Obviously Jacob leads people to the island-he has for hundreds of years by the looks of that boat-but why? It’s like an experiment for him or something? Lindsay thinks that boat is Christopher Columbus. Awesome. Also is anyone surprised by what Jacob looks like? I expected bearded old man with creepy eyes, and he’s this young normal looking dude. Also is that other guy the brother from “Gone Baby Gone”? Let me go check. Oh my God it’s totally him sans the ridiculous mustache. Please call me SMDB (Sarah Movie Database) from now on.

- Giant alligator head statue! It definitely has a mullet. That’s all I’m saying.

- Oh my God Kate totally just tried to steal a New Kids lunchbox. 1 – Why is she a criminal even at age 8. 2 – New Kids rule. 3 – That girl totally looks like she could be Kate. What a cutie. 4 – Jacob! Creepy nose-toucher!

- Kate, seriously leave Sawyer and Juliet alone. Way to go, Sawyer-you stick with Juliet!

- Man this whole bomb thing would be so much easier if Faraday was still alive. Thank God Sayid knows everything about everything in the entire universe. Whoa-Eloise killed her son which she is growing in her body right now. That is extremely trippy.

- Jack needs a haircut. And to take his clothes off. I bet they’d look good on my bedroom floor. Hey-oh!

- Ugh this Radakaskymaskyassky guy is the worst. His hair is horrible, and how come he’s not listening to Miles’ dad? Isn’t he the boss?

- Seriously what happened to Bernard and Rose? Are they still alive somewhere? I miss them.

- Okay we’re back in present day I think-or at least in the 2000s. Ben seems to be unraveling a bit, right? Lindsay and I are wondering why Richard doesn’t seem to know anything about the island. What’s up with that? Hasn’t he been on the island for like 700 years? Why’s he such a dumbass about the whole thing? Oh my God Locke just uttered the best line to him. Here’s how it went down:

Richard: “I’ve seen things on this island that I can barely describe, but I’ve never seen someone come back to life.”
Locke: “And I’ve never seen someone who doesn’t age.”

Amen, Locke. I was wondering when someone was going to ask Richard about this.

- Okay seriously what gives with these other folks from the Ajira flight? What’s their purpose? They are creeping me out. There are so many groups of others I don’t even know who is who anymore. I’ll tell you what, though, a Lost finale is not complete without some Jeff Fahey chest hair. Glorious!

- What’s in the GD box!?

- Little kid at funeral. There are two bodies, aren’t there? OMG it’s Sawyer. Duh. Dammit there’s Jacob again. Okay I noticed something: He made a point to physically touch both Kate and Sawyer. Maybe that’s how he gets them to come to the island. He’s like collecting people. But why? And how does he choose who comes?

- Holy Juliet just kicked that submarine dude’s ass. Man did she become totally awesome or what? Total 180.

- Speaking of doing a 180, Jack just told Richard to trust in Locke. Can you believe that? Jack has totally become a man of faith. God he is so hot.

- Locke sure is awfully smirky and self assured. I wonder why he suddenly knows everything now. Whoa-Ben has to kill Jacob?

- Okay Lindsay and I just screamed our heads off at Nadia getting hit by a car. They never said how she died. I had just assumed she was shot. Good Lord that was horrific. Also, Sayid: Collected.

- Why did Richard even bother knocking on the rocks to pick out which one to start hammering in order to sneak them up in the Dharma village? It was clearly the oddly shaped one sticking out of the wall. Richard just knocked Eloise out. And referred to her as his leader. Did we know she was the leader? I’m sure sneaking this bomb out will go smoothly. It’s not like Sayid is wanted or anything. Also that bomb sure is hidden well. You can see half of it! Shoot out! Oh God Sayid’s hit! Sayid’s hit!! Hurley, Jin and Miles! YES!

- VINCENT! You’re alive! HOLYMOTHEROFGOD – ROSE AND BERNARD! I JUST asked about them! I just slapped Lindsay on the leg. I am so happy they are alive and together. Bernard has a Castaway look happening. I can’t believe they’ve just been living out in the woods being happy. I love them so much. Rose is awesome, “It’s always something with you people.” Uh oh. Sawyer, don’t look at Kate. Don’t look at Kate. Ahhh!! You looked at Kate! And Juliet noticed. Oh God look at her face. She’s heartbroken. Dammit, Sawyer and dammit, Kate. Dammit.

- Other plane people with box just said they were the good guys. And a bunch of other confusing things. Fahey’s like, ‘Seriously what the fuck, people.’ Broken trail of ash? If I go by my “Supernatural” knowledge that usually means a spirit has been set free. Also Jensen Ackles is hot. So these guys know and are friends with Jacob. Why? How do they know him? Why does he need their help? Who’s been using the cabin? Is that part of the rug thing Jacob was weaving in the beginning? Is Jacob semi-hot? I will punch someone if I don’t get answers. By the way, this line by Fahey “I’m not treehugger or anything but that’s a pretty good way to torch the whole jungle, doncha think?” is awesome.

- Jacob is on a bench reading a weird book. Isn’t that the hospital where Locke fell out the window-HOLYPOOP! Okay so Locke was dead, yes? And Jacob just saved his life? Why? Locke: Collected.

- Okay so Ben was pretending to talk to Jacob. That’s not really surprising. Nor is it surprising that he’s never seen Jacob. Haha-he just said, “I lied. That’s what I do.” Awesome. Seriously he is unraveling. Another 180: Locke has all the power over Ben now. I never thought I’d actually see the day.

- Sun just looked in Aaron’s crib and found Charlie’s Driveshaft ring. Remember when Claire was on this show? Can she and Jack ever hug as brother and sister please?

- Sun and Jin: Collected

- Can Jack really afford to leave Sayid for 5 minutes to talk to Sawyer? Sayid is bleeding out.

- Jack: Collected. And when will we find out what Jack’s dad has to do with all of this? Was he a part of the group with Eloise and Charles Whidmore?

- Okay am I an idiot? Sawyer just said that it’s July 1977 and a year ago his dad killed his mom and then himself. And then he says that he could’ve gotten on the submarine, walked into his house and stopped his dad from killing anyone. WTF? No he can’t-he just said it happened a year ago, right? Someone help me.

- Poor Jack. Literally all he wants in this world is Kate. Wise up, Kate! Ah! Sawyer and Jack fight! Lindsay and I are freaking out. I want you guys to be friends again! Ah-Sawyer just kicked Jack in the family jewels and you know what? That is not okay. I need those. Phew-Juliet is here to stop it. OMG and she’s totally changed her mind. Probably because you’re still in love with Kate, Sawyer!

- Um…why is Juliet’s past as a little girl set in present time? Why is Juliet’s past as a little girl set in present time!? Look at the clothes and the decorating! It’s present time! She’s the same age as Jack, Sawyer, et al. EXPLAIN THIS! I am freaking out!

- Yeah Juliet just called Sawyer on his Kate thing. Oh man this is horrible. So sad.

- Man I am so torn right now. I want Jack to do what he feels is right, but the thought of everything Kate and Jack have been through together-what all of them have been through together-never happening makes me want to cry. Kate just said she was with Jack on this-again. Kate, just realize that you love him! He is the one!

- Hurley: Collected. Guitar case: Collected. But how come Jacob came for Hurley after he was on the island the first time. They showed him getting everyone else before they went to the island in 2004. But not Hurley. Why? And what’s in the case?

- Ben is like a shell of his former self. I have to say, I like it. He deserves it. But now I’m scared of Locke. And I just have to take a minute to say the actors who play these two are absolutely unbelievable. They are knocking this out of the park. I knew Terry O’Quinn was special ever since “The Cutting Edge” (how awesome is that movie, ladies, amiright?).

- Miles just said this: “Has it occurred to any of you that your buddy is actually going to cause the thing he says he’s trying to prevent.” God Miles is awesome. Please more Miles next season. But now I’m really freaking out. Is this bomb thing going to work? I have that nervous sick feeling. Yay-Sawyer, Miles, Kate and Juliet are helping Jack! They all look pretty badass shooting guns. I wonder how fun it was to film this shoot-out scene.

- NO WAY-the bomb didn’t go off! Also I just realized I wasn’t breathing. Mah-electromagnetic something or other! Oh wow Miles got to save his dad’s life! Will this change things at all? Ah-finally Radischasskey is going down and his little elfin guy, too. Ew-pole through chest. JULIET!! No no no no no. Okay Sawyer’s got her. Oh my God, you guys. Oh my God, you guys! Lindsay and I are literally smacking each other. No. Nononononono!!! Please don’t do it, Juliet! Oh. My. God…..

- Okay Lindsay and I need to pause and take in what just happened. Dammit, Juliet! Why did you make me love you and then leave me!? Why!? You guys, seriously I have tears in my eyes.

- Okay other plane people and Richard are like from the same club or something. Mah! Locke! Locke’s dead body! Who’s Imposter Locke in the foot statue? I guess we’re about to find out. What’s the significance of the rug/mural? Wait-did Jacob just say, “Well you found your loophole.”? Holy poop on a stick-Imposter Locke is Gone Baby Gone dude from the beginning!!! Ben is like WTF is going on up in here. Also he is pissed. “What about me?” Ooh Jacob’s sarcastic, “What about you?” answer is probably not what was needed in order for his life to be spared. Man Ben is really going to lose it when he realizes that Locke isn’t Locke. “They’re coming.” Who’s coming?

- Poor Sawyer. He is destroyed. Lindsay just said, “Maybe Juliet’s still alive.” Well, like 100 lbs of metal just fell down the well on top of her so I’m thinking probably not. Or maybe she is-are you effing kidding me right now? Yay! Ooh-she’s not looking too good. Holy crap she’s going to try and explode the bomb, isn’t she.




Okay seriously, you guys, I think I wet my pants. What an amazing finale. Lindsay and I went back to the beginning to watch the first scene to see if we could filter out any more information now that we know about Imposter Locke. We could not.

I can’t even begin to speculate on what will happen next season, but here is what I know: I want our original Losties to be together. Enough of the separation. Get back to the heart of the show, writers. Wait a minute-if this worked and they end up back at the airport, does this mean we’ll get to see everyone again? Boone? Shannon? Charlie? I am losing my mind right now.

Okay, everyone. Comments begin…now.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Running down a dream

The Lost recap isn't complete. I have to go back and watch a few scenes and haven't been home to do that. Well technically I was home last night, but obviously I was watching the amazing 24 finale (I love you, Secret Service Aaron). Sunday I was home for part of the day, but I did a 10k in the morning and went to a child's birthday party for the afternoon so when I got home, all I wanted to do was melt into my bed and sleep for 24 hours. Which is basically what I did.

I know some of you are still stuck on the 10k part of that last paragraph. 'But, Sarah,' you are saying. 'You're a lazy piece. What were you doing at a 10k?' It's a valid question. So as we all know, I'm a chubby bubby. I will always be a chubby bubby, but I would like a little less chubby to go with the bubby so one of the things we're doing is entering a bunch of races this season. Now let's be honest here: I don't race. Or run. It's just not part of who I am. If I suddenly became a runner, it would cause a cataclysmic event wherein the earth would spin off its axis and go careening into the sun which would then cause our galaxy to collapse in on itself. What-it could happen. You don't need to look it up-I saw "The Black Hole" when I was 5. That basically makes me a scientist.

The point is, I don't really run. What we do is called Run/Walk. You can't really tell from the name, but basically it's a combination of running and walking. Here is how it works:

1. We walk.
2. Diane says, "Okay up there at that tree, start running. I will tell you when you can stop."
3. We run and cry and beg Diane to let us stop after about 10 feet.
4. Diane says no.
5. We stop when she says we can.
6. We tell Diane we hate her.

Diane and I do this when we go to the gym-which is every single day. Do you hear that noise? That's God laughing. Okay when we get the chance to go to the gym, we do it. We recently brought Renee into our little Run/Walk club. We did a 5k two weeks ago which my Dad helped to put together then did not participate in because he had to go play golf. Awesome. So Sunday was the Cleveland Marathon and besides the 26 mile death run, they have a half marathon and a 10k race. Christy, Meg and Lisa did the half marathon because they are completely insane. Diane, Renee, Brigid and I did the 10k.

I've done the 10k before-six years ago. I had no concept of how far 10 kilometers was, but I figured it couldn't be that far. We prepared for the race by getting completely shitfaced the night before and staying out till 2am. We were so hungover the next morning, I really thought I might fall down. About 15 minutes into the race two things happened, one of which is TMI for you but you are fine:

1. We all realized we had to go to the bathroom. Bad. Like worse than we've ever had to go to the bathroom in our lives. And I don't mean #1, y'all.

2. This conversation happened:

Me: "So how far is a 10k anyway? Like 2 miles?"
Stupid boy we hate now: "6.2 miles."
Me: silently blinking for about 10 seconds
Stupid boy: blinking back at me

Let this be a lesson to all kids out there: This is what happens to you when you don't remember basic math principles like converting kilometers to miles. You end up stupid and in a 6 mile race while hungover and having to make a deposit at your local toilet bank.

This Sunday went much better as I was more prepared both physically and math-wise. We introduced Brigid to the Run/Walk club, and she enjoyed it. I consider myself successful because a) I finished, b) I didn't come in last and c) I wasn't a complete and utter whiny bitch. Even though I was really tired and sore, it felt good to do something healthy and good for my body. We celebrated by immediately going to a diner and stuffing ourselves with greasy breakfast food. That also felt good. I like eating.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Tony, Tony, Tony has done it again

I haven't finished writing my Lost recap, but I will post it tonight. Here is the main theme of it: HOLYFUCKINGSHIT. In the meantime, let me tell you about our weekend.

This weekend Mom was not the only person we celebrated. Our friend Tony was also a guest of honor. Things I've told you about Tony that are awesome:

- When he comes to town he just calls people up and says, "Hey I'm coming into town tomorrow. I'm staying at your house." No one cares because he is the perfect house guest.
- He hosted a Memorial Day party-at Diane and Drew's house.
- He has a government job that he literally can't talk to us about.
- He is naked a lot.

Well, Tony got a new job. It's still for the government, and it pays well. Oh and it's in Afghanistan. For an entire year.Here was my reaction when he told me the news last month: "Are you fucking kidding me? No seriously-are you kidding me? Goddammit, Tony. Well, congratulations!" I am a pretty supportive friend. Sharda came in a few minutes later and he told her and she was all, "Congratulations! I know this is what you really wanted so that's awesome!" Tony was like, "Why can't you react like that, Sarah?" Because I am not a suck up like Sharda. Just kidding, Sharda. [cough]brown-noser[cough] Honestly my initial gut reaction was one of pure selfishness and concern. I don't want Tony to be in Afghanistan. I don't want any of my friends to be in Afghanistan. I don't know if you've heard, but it's not really safe there. There are like really big bugs and sand storms and stuff. Oh and persistent violence.

After my first thought of concern for Tony's safety, my second thought was 'A whole year?? Without Tony??' Since most of you are not friends with Tony, you don't understand how much the prospect of a year without him just completely sucks. I really can't say enough good things about him-he's funny, smart, always in a good mood, has a sense of duty that I really don't understand but completely admire and above all that he's just extremely likeable. I'm not exaggerating when I say that his visits are always highlights of the year and always result in legendary stories. Last week at happy hour we started thinking about all our favorite Tony stories, and then suddenly it was 3 hours later and we were laughing so hard we were crying and we weren't even close to being done. Last time he was in town, we hung out on a Saturday night and my stomach actually hurt the next day from laughing. I felt like I had done 1000 situps. He's that guy. So, yes, my first reaction at hearing I wouldn't get to see him for a year was basically 'It's not fair!

My third thought? 'We need to have a party.' So that's what we did on Saturday. Um...this party was awesome. On Monday Dan asked me, "How was your party?" and I answered, "So fun I almost called in sick today." So fun I am having trouble remembering things to post.

Tony brought his girlfriend, Marlene, so we could all meet her. She told me she was ready to be grilled by all of us. After asking her about her job, I started in with the hardball questions: "How do you get your hair so shiny?" "How come your skin is so nice?" You guys, I should definitely be allowed around new people especially when drinking vodka. I'm sure she wasn't at all scared of me and my Single White Female routine. Sorry, Marlene. You are lovely, and we were so happy to meet you. Also I'm pretty sure you could kick my ass-both physically and in a Best Skin contest.

As usual, details are fuzzy. Here are the highlights of what I remember:

- At one point Marlene said, "So is there going to be a dance party? I was told you guys have awesome dance parties." I'm happy to say we delivered on that.

- "Cherish" by Madonna came on, and Diane did her signature Cherish dance where she rolls around on the floor like Madonna does on the beach in the video. Then Renee decided she would be the mermaid from the video and laid down on the grown and basically started flopping around like a fish.

- Matt said he was leaving then stayed for another half hour because every time he tried to leave an awesome song came on. Finally "The Thong Song" came on, which he stayed for, then he goes, "I'm going to end this day like I started it: singing "The Thong Song". Then he left.

- Marlene yelled out in the middle of the dance party, "I LOVE THIS PLACE!" Yes you do, Marlene. Come live here.

- Bob undid his pants and then got down on the ground and did The Worm. I have no idea why the pants needed to be undone for that.

- At around 11:30, Carrie, mother of twins, said, "I guess I better go soon since I have to get up with the girls tomorrow." She had a bottle of water in one hand and a glass in the other. I looked into the glass. It was filled with whiskey. Two hours later, Carrie was in the middle of the living room dancing. The bottle of water was nowhere to be found. Awesome.

- Woody got drunk and told Steph, Meg and Christy he was going to Europe with them. Then he planned a fancy dinner for us the next night and didn't show up because he was too hungover.

- Paul and Jen left at about 3:15am (Jen is 7 months pregnant). Paul came back in 5 minutes later because he forgot something and immediately took his pants off and ran around in his underwear. Tony, feeling left out, yelled, "Me too!" and took his off. Then they both sat on me bare-assed. It was special.

- Tony got naked. In my drunken haze I think I fell for the old "I sat in gum" trick. At any rate I saw Tony's junk-for about the 50th time. And I was so happy I did because that's what will keep me going for the next year: the image of Tony drunk, laughing and showing everyone his twig 'n' berries.

- We played some songs especially for Tony:

- "B.O.B. (Bombs Over Baghdad)" by Outkast. During this song Diane kept saying to me, "Get it, Sarah? Do you get it?"
- "Let's Do It For Our Country" from the Grease 2 soundtrack. During this song, the girls sang at the top of our lungs. Marlene's reaction: "What is happening right now?" Bob's reaction: "Can we stop singing songs from movies that went straight to video?"
- "Believe It or Not" by Joey Scarbury. Most of you will recognize this as the theme song to "The Greatest American Hero". During this song, Tony stood in the middle of all of us and did some Jack Bauer moves.
- "Africa" by Toto. At first glance you're thinking, 'How is this relevant?' Well it wasn't...until we changed the word "Africa" to "Afghanistan". So it went a little something like this: "I bless the rains down in Afghanistan!" That's gold, Jerry. We did it as a surprise to Tony. I think it was Bob's idea. We passed it around the group telephone-style then when we sang it we decided we were the most clever, hilarious people on Earth. Tony mustered up as much enthusiasm as he could for something that dumb with a chuckle and "Ahh-yeah I get it, guys. Thanks."
- "Hello" by Lionel Richie. I think this one is self-explanatory.

Tony, I hope you had fun. I know I did. We are going to miss you so much. A year is a long time, but now that we are old I know it will fly by. Things will probably be really different when you get back next year. And by really different I mean almost exactly the same except maybe I will have 7 gray hairs instead of 5. Also Jen and Paul will have a new baby, but I mean that's only different depending your definition of the word.

The main thing I would like you to take with you, Tony, is that we love you and we are so proud of you. Thank you for what you're doing, and please come home to us safe and sound. Make sure you email us and keep your Facebook updated. You are our personal Jack Bauer-just maybe a little bit nerdier-but still our hero. We love you!

Friday, May 08, 2009

No one can deny this love I have inside

You guys, I cannot get enough Cavs. I was going to write this big post about how lovable they are and how they are (for the most part) really good sports who just enjoy playing the game, but then Steph sent me this article which says everything I wanted to say only like 10 times better than I ever could. Please read this! I love you, Cavs and Cleveland!

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Maybe you should cry about it, Kate

I'm actually caught up with "Lost", you guys. I know! It's a miracle. How come the last 5 episodes were epic, and then this one sucked donkey balls? Here are my thoughts as they occurred to me while watching the show. Warning: A lot of hostility toward Kate tonight.

Locke is creeping me out big time.

"His name is Richard Alpert. He's a kind of...advisor. And he has had that job for a very, very long time." Uh...what? Seriously who the hell is Richard Alpert?

I watched them all die!!! Killed as part of the Dharma Initiative massacre? What does he mean?

Why is Kate all shocked that Jack feels there were more bad times than good. All he did was love you, Kate, but you're all "Sawyer, Sawyer, Sawyer" all the live long day. Make this right!

Okay seriously that dude with the glasses beating up Sawyer needs to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE. He is horrible and has been since the first time he was on.

Stop scowling, Kate. That's all you ever do anymore.

Locke is even creeping out Richard Alpert and Ben-the Kings of Creepy.

Sawyer and Juliet are totally ready to give everyone up to get off the island. How do I feel about this? On one hand, I don't blame you two. On the other, screw you guys-they all came back for you.

Kate's annoying me.

SAYID!! Still racking up the kills, I see.

Are we calling Sawyer "Jim" now? I don't like it.

Jack really does sound like Locke talking about their purpose and stuff. It's kind of awesome.

Whoa nice cleavage, Juliet! Way to look hot before the end of the world.

I totally thought Sawyer wasn't gonna get on the sub. Also he was like "Good riddance." If this was real life you know it'd be more like, "Fuck you! I will punch you right in the smoke monster, you piece of shit." I mean that's what I would say. Then I would hurry up and get on the sub just in case the smoke monster was listening.

Why is Jack wearing so many clothes?

Yeah, Sayid! Following Jack into the tunnels! Way to stick with the team unlike some other people (Kate). Did you see how happy Jack was that Sayid came? Awesome. I love Sayid's comment that even if the plan doesn't work, at least they'll all be out of their misery. I wonder if this was real if you'd reach a point where you're just like, "I mean whatever. If it all ends at least I won't constantly be wondering what the eff year it is and if I'm going to get shot in the woods while trying to take a shit."

Can I just interject something here? I would really like for all our Losties to get back into the same time together. I miss their group scenes. It makes me sad.

I like how John's coming in and shaking things up. That's what The Others needed-a new administration. It's time for change, you guys!!

Oh God...great, Kate! Way to ruin everything for Sawyer and Juliet! I have no patience for you this episode.

I'm sure this sub ride will go perfectly smoothly.

Does Ben ever not lie to people? Seriously. All he does is agree with whoever it is he's talking to at the time.

Whoa! Kill Jacob! What! Is that even possible?

All in all, I'm gonna give this episode a C+. Not too much happened and Kate was super annoying. I want Faraday to come back.

Previews: Clearly they do not leave in the sub. Kate ruins more lives obviously. Okay and I'm pissed because Jack has spent the last few years promising things to the Losties and delivering. He has never let them down. But now they all turn against him? I am angry.