I'm sorry non Lost watchers but there are only a few episodes left

So my computer's been out of a commission for a few days because I broke the power cord. Unfortunately, I didn't notice until most of my battery was drained. It is sad how much I missed my computer. It was like the 1800s up in here. Luckily I am back in business. And right in time for Lost. It's a sign. Jacob probably had a hand in it.

So, um, we never talked about the number of times I shat myself over the past couple episodes. Ana Lucia 2 exploded? Shat. Desmond hit Locke with the car? Shat. Holy criminy. Did anyone see that coming?

Also? I MAY have had book club on Friday and we MAY have talked about Lost and I MAY have had a bit of a meltdown about how this season has been going-or not going really-and I MAY have scared my friends with my intensity. The main message I was trying to convey was this: there is a fine line between being along for the ride and being taken for a ride and right now I feel I'm being taken for a ride, and that makes me angry after 6 years of fierce loyalty. Give me an ending. I deserve it. But despite my annoyance, this show is essentially crack, and I care about the characters so I will watch, absorb, recap and, most importantly, curse liberally.

Tonight's Episode: Locke is mean, Whidmore is mean, Lost writers are mean

- Is Jack ever going to cut his hair again? Like ever?

- Alterna-Locke is a candidate! Dum-dum-duuuum!!! Get the fucking surgery, Locke! Also I love Peggy Bundy. Is she just totally adorable or what? She just like walks up and makes out with Jack for saving Locke. I totally want to be one of those ladies who gets away with doing stuff like that and people think it's charming. Rather than creepy and a violation of their personal space, like they do now.

- Okay I'm gonna need Chip to stop being all "I'm a tough nerd with a gun." Short sleeve flannel over long sleeve shirt, Chip. Come on. I'm also gonna need some clear cut answers on who's good and who's bad on this island.

- Bernard! It's not like I missed you at all, Bernard. It's not like you and Rose fill my heart with hope and happiness. It's not like there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight. I ain't missin' you at all-no matter what my friends say.

- Okay so Alterna-Jack should be sufficiently creeped out, right? That he has run into like 4 people from his flight? Also, I like how Bernard's like, "Of course I remember Anthony Cooper's name. I am amazing and funny and a loving husband. Now excuse me while I go back to creating these teeth molds. Did you know Okay Seriously's sister, Diane, once puked when the orthodontist tried to take this type of mold of her teeth? Talk to you later, Jack."

- Can I please have normal Sayid back? Please? At least Fake Locke is an intriguing bad ass. Weirdo Sayid's just scary.

- You know what a good answer to the question, "Why should I trust you?" is? "Because I could kill you." Oh okay. I'm feeling pretty good about this now.

- So Whidmore's putting them in cages for their own good. Do we believe him? If Sawyer and Kate relive their cage sex, I'll punch Sawyer right in his back pocket comb. Just kidding-he obviously doesn't have a comb with him. Yipes. Sorry, Kate, it's true-they don't need you. Anyone know why? Why isn't she a candidate? Is it because she's a criminal? Because she can't pick between Sawyer and Jack? Because she looks ridiculously hot even when she is unshowered and wearing no makeup?

- OMG Jin and Sun lovey dovey reunion. Loving this.

- Can anyone say "Uh-oh" more hilariously than Lapidus? Jeff Fahey rules. During my meltdown, I yelled out that he is the only one I really care about being alive at the end. That may have been the craziness talking, but I think there's a hint of truth there.

- Oh God. Smoke monster. This is not good. You know what's probably a good defense against smoke? A gun. Dammit Chip. Seriously what if they just got some giant turbo speed fans and pointed them at the smoke monster? Then they could disperse him all over the place and someone could show Claire the way to the shower. Whoops sorry I'm losing focus. I just can't help it. She is gross. Ah! Chip! I can't believe those were the last words I ever said to you! Forgive me, my love/nerd.

- Oh yeah. Frank ain't waitin'. He is gonna kick this bitch down. His chest hair cannot be contained by some silly cage.

- Yay! Jack!! I love you! You're a hero! Wait or are you? Your hotness distorts my judgement.

- Alterna Jack is totally obsessed with making Locke walk again. Locke's dad is looking pretty good. Not! (yeah I just said that) So does Locke want to stay in a wheelchair because his dad is stuck in a wheelchair? Seems likely.

- Oh boy they made it to the plane. I'm sure they will take off without a hitch.

- Hi, I'm Fake Locke. I will break everyone's neck.

- Hi, I'm Frank Lapidus. I am amazing and can fly any plane.

- So Whidmore wants to kill all of them? Why? WHAT IS GOING ON FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!?

- Ah! A feral island lady! Oh no it's just Claire.

- Part of me is like, why would these people ever trust in and follow a person who is actually a smoke monster wearing their dead friend's body? The other part of me is like, man if I had been stuck on that stupid island for that long and someone-anyone-was telling me they'd get me off of it, I'd follow them anywhere. Then the other part of me is like, yeah but if Jack's staying on the island, I'd stay on the island so we can help repopulate the Earth-or something else that makes no sense whatsoever but would imply me having sex with Jack.

- Okay at least Sawyer doesn't actually trust him. That's good. And he's calls him 'it'. And he doesn't want to be stuck in a submarine with him.

- Sidenote: I just heard a horrible never-heard-before sound in my house, and now I want my daddy.

- Alterna Locke: Push the button! I wish you had believed me! Ahhh!

- Okay Claire and Jack talking in sideways world. Can I please have a touching brother-sister moment for God's sake? I only waited for it for like 4 years. Then when they reunited on the island Jack was like, "Hey we're related." And Claire was like, "I am insane and haven't showered in 13 months." Yeah Jack has to be freaking out now that he keeps meeting people on his same flight. Okay that was kind of cute how they showed the two of them in the mirror. "We're not strangers, we're family!" Yay!

- AH! Island Claire close up! I was unprepared.

- For real who is going to drive the sub? Oh there's the captain. Maybe they'll make him drive at gunpoint. Sawyer's like, "Put your damn hands up. H to the Izz-O, V to the Izz-A."

- Can't Kate be a little sad that she's leaving Jack behind forever? HOLYSHITTHEYSHOTKATE!!! They fucking shot Kate. This situation is out of control. HOLYSHITTHEYLEFTCLAIRE!!! Man that submarine looks totally real. HOLYSHITTHEBOMBDOUBLECROSSIJUSTSHATMYPANTS!!! Not a commercial break! Dammit!

- For real if they blow up everyone on that sub, I'll punch someone. Lapidus is on that sub goddammit.

- I think the captain of the sub is like, "You guys are a pretty organized unit here. Dive, go back up."

- Whoa is regular Sayid back!? He seems kind of normal, yes? I am feeling glimmers of hope.

- Oh God, Jack, please be right. Please. I swear to God if that sub blows up… Okay I can't breathe.

- I knew it. I knew Sayid didn't kill Desmond. He's still good, you guys! Um. Sayid? No. Sayid, no! SAYID, NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- No. Fucking. Way. Um, did Sayid just kill himself to save them? My wonderful, heroic Sayid finally comes back, and they kill him off!? I will kill you off, writers!!!

- Oh HELL NO!! I KNOW they didn't just kill off my boyfriend Frank! I honestly…I don't even know what to say right now. I'm just. I'm at a loss. How do I live without you, I want to know. How do I breathe without you, if you ever go. How do I ever…ever survive?? How do I, oh, how do I live…without your chest hair.

- Okay I cannot take this. Sun and Jin. No no no. I am not okay. Why are they doing this to me? What about their daughter?

- I need to pause here and take a breather. And by breather I mean wipe off the tears that are literally streaming down my face.

- I really need the alternate reality to be the actual reality. Because island reality is too heartbreaking for me.

- Ugh. In this reality Locke paralyzes his father. Okay alternate reality now heartbreaking. But still at least everyone is alive.

- Okay Sawyer's alive. He's one of very few. Yeah I can't take Hurley crying about Jin and Sun. Hurley's not supposed to cry.

Fuck. This. Episode.

It's not surprising that they're starting to kill off all the main characters. I think we all knew this was coming. But it's still disappointing. I was kind of hoping we'd be able to do this a different way. I hope they go somewhere with this soon.

I realize I don't really talk about theories on this show anymore. That is because I really have none. It tires me out because I just feel like we probably won't get answers. I am the opposite of Jack: where he once was a man of reason, he's now a man of faith. Well I was once a woman of faith, and now I am a woman of reason. What I'm trying to say is, I am Paula Abdul and he is MC Skat Kat.