Saturday, March 27, 2010

A whole mess of stuff

Well. I guess I asked for it by writing it down that I needed Syracuse to win. No matter. We all win now, since, as promised, I wrote another poem. 2010 Entry #2 into the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Poetry Hall of Fame:

"J'accuse, Syracuse!" by Okay Seriously

This Syracuse poem will be pretty short and sweet
Because as you all know, they just got effing beat.

They were my second chance, my one and only hope.
Then along came Butler, and now this is how I cope.

I'm blaming it on John, though I can't remember why
But I feel very confident it had to do with that guy

I love March Madness and all that it involves
But there are always a few teams I want to punch in the balls.

Syracuse is one of those as they broke my heart.
In my pathetic bracket showing, they played a big part.

Orangemen, thanks so much for ruining my pool
But hey-it's okay. At least your mascot's really cool.

Now go take your rightful place which is over in the loo.
Because goddammit, Syracuse, you are complete poo.

The End

Despite my losses, March Madness continues to be completely awesome. I love you forever, March Madness.

Tomorrow, we are heading to Florida for the week. I don't think I'll have any way of blogging, but if I find a way, I will do it. I'm sure everyone will be chomping at the bit to see my vacation slide show. In the meantime you can follow me on Twitter where I will keep you all updated on my sun allergy condition. By the way, it hasn't escaped me that we're going to Florida during spring break. I'm sure I will have no trouble fitting in with the college kids. I'll just wear a Girls Gone Wild t-shirt and talk about how I heard some guy staying at the Days Inn broke his neck trying to jump from his room's balcony into the hotel pool. This will be easy.

Before I go. Lost on Tuesday? What? Extra quick recap because um, holy eff.

Some things about Richard:
1. He should always go by Ricardos.
2. He is losing his mind.
3. In the 1800s while riding a horse, he looks like he should be on the cover of a romance novel.

Just tell me which guy is the bad guy. I cannot take it anymore.

I should've known Hurley was talking to Richard's dead wife. Okay so according to her, it really is Bizarro Locke who's the baddie. I trust her. She has a pretty accent.

More Fahey!

During the scenes on the boat when they were in the ocean going to the island, I was waiting for Jack Sparrow to show up and save the day.

The officer's reaction to being shipwrecked (i.e., killing all the prisoners) seemed pretty reasonable. Definitely not an overreaction. Sickness maybe?

Oh my God was that pig eating a person?? OHMYGODWASTHATPIGEATINGAPERSON!?

It's official: no one looks cool walking through high brush. No matter how pretty you are, Richard.

The guy who plays Jacob totally plays Lucifer on Supernatural. So I am just all jumbled up here. One thing is clear: if I ever met him, I would turn and run.

Everyone have a great week! Except you, Kansas and Syracuse!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

So March. So Mad.

As quickly as it begins, it ends. Every year, March Madness. Every year you make me so happy and then so mad. And soooo much more unproductive at work (I love you, with real time scoreboard updates.) And every year I still come back for more because I need you in my life. Here is my 2010 entry into the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Poetry Hall of Fame. An upfront warning: perhaps not my best work as this was hastily-and angrily-written. Because ho. ly. shit.

"We're not in Kansas anymore. And by 'we' I mean people who win things." by Okay Seriously

Saturday night I sat without care
Not worried about how my teams would fair.

After all, at this point we were only three days in.
Surely there was still a chance I could win.

Then Kansas was like, "Hey you know what'd be sweet?
If we ruined Sarah's life and got ourselves beat.

It's not like she chose us to come in first place.
I'm sure she'll handle this loss with true grace."

Listen I am a lady and handle things with class.
That being said…SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!

Day 3? Are you serious? Day 3 and I'm out?
I hate you, Kansas. Without a doubt.

You come in here like, "Hey we're number one!"
Then Northern Iowa's like, "Yeah no you're done."

How can I put in to words how much you suck?
To quote my friend John: "Fucking Kansas. FUCK."

As punishment you'll listen to my angry rambling.
What do you mean I have a problem with gambling?

Everyone cross your fingers that my second bracket keeps going. If Syracuse loses, I am holding John personally responsible, and a second poem WILL be written and John WILL be the lead character. Last year's poem is here.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I now have all the answers

I realize I've been slacking in my "Lost" duties, but I am back. Let's do this thing! Spoilers ahead.

- I really need Sawyer to recognize that his former Lostie friends are now creepazoid versions of themselves so that he can step up and save the day.

- Bad boy Sawyer is way hot, but cop Sawyer? HOOOOOOOOT!!!

- I like Miles and Sawyer as friends and partners. Good stuff. Do you think Miles can talk to dead people in sideways reality? We'll probably find out soon enough.

- Bizarro Locke was way forthcoming about being the smoke monster. I did not expect a confession that fast. Also I really wish anyone on this show would react normally to anything ever. Sawyer's reaction to Bizarro Locke telling him he's a smoke monster was basically like, "Oh okay." This kind of writing is relentlessly annoying. I get that it's consistent with how this show has been written since day one so that's fine. But it's the final f*cking season, and there are like 8 episodes left. So let's. get. a. move on.

- Charlotte off the island is a mega babe! A little hair care and makeup does wonders for her. Are Charlotte and Sawyer gonna do it? Oh. Yes they are. That was like 3 minutes into the date, yes? So she's kind of a slut, too. Nice. Oh and she's an idiot. Like he wouldn't see her going through his personal stuff?

- Uh oh-am I supposed to recognize the dress Sawyer is crying over? I'm assuming it's Juliet's, but there are about 12 million details I'm supposed to remember on this show.

- Holy Claire freak out. Bizarro Locke's like, "This is completely inappropriate." Understatement of the year? I don't like scary Claire. Or scary Sayid. I would like my Losties to be normal and friends again please. This isn't what I had in mind for this season!

- Ew! Pile of dead bodies covered in flies! I can say with 99% certainty that that image and sound will be in my nightmares tonight.

- Oh good. We're 8 episodes from the end of the show, and we're still introducing new characters.
- I thoroughly enjoy Miles. I would like for him to tell us what he heard when Sayid died and came back alive.

- Man Sawyer's so mad he will punch a mirror. It's just like when Rick Springfield punched a mirror in the "Jessie's Girl" video because he was just. so. angry!

- This plane survivor lady is clearly up to something. "How many people are with you? Do you guys have guns?" Give me a break, lady! I'm not even a trained con man, and I can see through your little act. Holy crap the guy yelling at Sawyer to drop his gun is totally Chip from "Kate & Allie"!

I am the keeper of all 80's sitcom stars.

- Okay so these new people (the 14th set of Others) are Whidmore's people, right?

- I love that in sideways reality Sawyer watches "Little House on the Prairie" reruns to unwind. That might be the most unrealistic thing that's ever been on this show.

- Um…okay am I totally crazy or is Charlotte completely out of line? If anyone should be mad here, it's Sawyer. Not the other way around. She's a freaking nosy beeyotch who should never have opened up that folder.

- Okay yes they're Whidmore's people. Are we ever going to find out what the hell he wants with this island? Why does he want to kill Bizarro Locke? Sawyer seems to know why. Is this something we were supposed to infer? Answers, anyone?

- This reminds me: Penny and Desmond? Ever again? I miss them.

- I like the dramatic music for the "huge" revelation, "We ain't takin' the plane, Freckles. We're takin' the sub." They may have overestimated how chilling that line would be judging by the intensity of the music.

You guys, I've pretty much given up all hope of ever finding out anything on this show. I know I am a total Debbie Downer about it so my sincerest apologies to you all. But here is what I think the entire time I watch an episode: "Let's fucking move it along, folks." I can't help it! There are literally like 8 or 9 episodes left, and we are no closer to knowing anything at all. It's taking the joy out of it for me. I've invested 6 years into a story, and I don't think it's asking a lot to want an actual conclusion.

Here is a good example of how irritating this is getting: In the previews for next week, Richard says, "Do you want to know a secret? Something I've known for a long time? All of this? It's not what you think!" No shit! That is brand new information! Like, for real? For real, Lost writers?

Okay sorry. Bitching is over. Annoying or not, this show is still better than 95% of other shows out there, and it still makes for AWESOME conversations with friends especially after a few drinks. Also for the most hilarious Lost (and Gossip Girl) recaps ever, please go to Videogum. Honestly that site has improved the quality of my leisure time.

I better get to bed. St. Patrick's Day tomorrow! I'm going to work. And by work I mean out to bars at 8am. Expect shenanigans.

Stupid pictures on my phone

Drew took this picture at Epcot Center because he was obsessed with these viking statue guys.

He sent this to me so I would always have it. The caption was "You love this guy". If by "love" he means "are terrified of" then he is right.

John sent this to me tonight with the caption "What is my mom thinking?"

And seriously what is she thinking? Let me just say this one more time for the record so we're all on the same page: IF YOU ARE NOT USING HEINZ KETCHUP YOU ARE NOT USING REAL KETCHUP. Get this JV crap out of my face. I think the only explanation here is that John's mom hates me.

My friend Special Dark who Johnny Virgil and I have talked about before sent this to me:

The caption on this: "Thought you should know your blog is the only non tech related thread I care about. Miss you!" You have no idea how happy this made me for realz. I miss you, too, SD! Sooo much!

I saw this at the grocery store.

Is this horrible or awesome? I think maybe it's the most awesome thing ever. I like how it says "Keeps you warm and your PAWS free!" like it's marketing directly to dogs. Like a dog is going to read that box and be like, "Hmm...paws free? Intriguing! Could I wear it at a football game?" It literally took all my willpower to not buy one for our little Henry. But then I realized as soon as I put it on him he would tear it off and use it to play fetch with himself (you guys, he totally uses blankets to "throw" his toys and then he fetches them. Cutest. Dog. Ever.).

This was slid under the bathroom door at Heck's Cafe 3 seconds after I had gotten in there to do my business.

I could hear my friends tell the wait staff, who had clearly caught them in the act, "It's okay. We know her." When Steph got in there we sent her notes, too, but they were poopy jokes, and Steph does not appreciate scatological humor. So that made it even funnier. It's possible this was after several rounds of drinks. By the way, the plan was to go for "only a couple drinks" after work. Well maybe you should tell that to Light Bistro that sells me $3 Sex on the Beaches. It's okay, though, because once we got to Heck's for some dinner, I decided to take it easy and when the server asked me what I wanted to drink, I deliberated and made the wise choice: a martini. Damn you, alcohol! Why are you so delicious and fun!?

This picture I had just sitting on my phone. I took it one day when I was making cocktail weenies for a party, and I sent it to John. I know it's childish, but every time I look at it, I giggle like an 11 year old boy.

The swelling of pride my parents must feel when they see things like this is probably almost painful for them.

Another picture I tried to add but couldn't because of some privacy issues were of two checks I gave to John for Girl Scout cookies. In the memo line I wrote the names of the people for whom I was paying. John, of course, added his own touch so that now they look like this:

#1 - Sarah & Ne oral

#2 - Diane backdoor

You stay classy, John!

P.S. The latest episode of "Numb3rs" totally had Bill Nye the Science Guy on it. Tell me that show is not awesome.

P.P.S. I bought the Turbo Snake the other day for some drain issues, and here is my official review: it totally works and it's totally gross. Which, if you really think about it, might mean that I am gross since it's my drains and my clogs.

P.P.P.S. Is Timothy Olyphant just getting hotter or what's the deal there? I always thought he was attractive, but, you know, he never bowled me over with his hotness. Then I saw a preview for his new show, "Justified", and he's all like rugged, tough cowboy manliness and I'm like, "Yes please."

Friday, March 12, 2010

License to drive

Don't mind the timing of this post. I've been up on and off all night. I think it's because tonight was a big night in the Okay Seriously household: I bought a car. Holy poop I bought a new car. See, I've been thinking about getting a new car for a year now. It's not that I don't love my current car. I do. And by that I mean that I hate it. It's 9 years old, and has so many problems. Just so so many problems. I have loved it, honestly, but now it's like if I don't get rid of it soon I will punch it in the face. Which I guess is the grill? The dash? I don't know. But I'll punch it.

So I have been looking at a bunch of cars and going on a bunch of test drives, and tonight I finally bit the bullet. I picked out the base model because I don't need anything too fancy, and I wanted to keep it affordable. Then I immediately bought the fanciest model they have. Because I like to make monthly budgeting a challenge. I bought the Toyota Rav4 because I also like going fast. All the time. Without being able to stop.

My mom went with me because I am 33 and cannot buy cars by myself. I had a plan for how to negotiate which completely went out the window when I got there because I was so nervous I thought I would throw up. I did have to get sassy when they low-balled me on the trade in value of my car. And it worked. I just showed him my boobs. No I'm kidding. I'm so above that. (Not really-it's just that my mom was there.)

I don't have the car yet. I should have it within the week. Then I expect my first car accident within about 6 hours after that. I'll post pictures-before and after.

Now...let's talk about what's really important: Corey Haim.

You guys, while not surprised, I am devastated. In my mind, it was only a matter of time until he was back on his feet, and the Coreys would once again rule the movies. But I realize now it was a pipe dream.

So all I can say now is, Corey, I hope you finally have peace. Thank you for bringing me so much joy during my formative years. Especially thank you for "Lost Boys" which is clearly the greatest Corey collaboration in history. Even so, this is how you will live on in my memory:

"No thanks, Dad. I already have a Mercedes."

P.S. By the way I totally just saw Mr. Scheuster from "Glee" as a cop who's also a rapist on "Numb3rs". It was creepy. I was expecting him to sing. Like about rape. There are a lot of top 40 songs about rape. Obviously I am always watching "Numb3rs". Truthfully, you guys know I have insomnia issues. Well, "Numb3rs" is on TNT late at night. And sometimes when I can't sleep I watch it. And listen I'm just going to say it: I freaking love "Numb3rs". They use math to solve crime! Math! God I love math. Also on late at night? "Cold Case". But I mean seriously who likes that show? I DO! They solve cases that are old! Yes please! So...let's just take a minute here. I bought a new car I could never have afforded 10 years ago, one of my childhood heroes died, and I love CBS procedurals on TNT. I just leapt into old age.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Still have a pulse

So I am still alive. I literally haven't been home before about 10pm at all for the past week. Tonight I had a migraine so bad I fell asleep at 8 and just woke up in my recliner. You know what's a pretty comfortable place to sleep? Not a recliner.

Anyway, my apologies for not being around. I promise a Lost recap for tomorrow, and if I can finish writing up the story of when we went out to dinner last week in a way that's even 10% as funny as it actually was, you will not be sorry.

In the meantime, please enjoy this story about a person who's lazier than even me and also this brief story about Steph:

First, some background: Steph does not wear jeans or pants. Ever. I have seen her in pants maybe 3 times since I've known her. She wears skirts and dresses at all times. A few weeks ago, Steph went to Florida for work. I watched her dog for her. When she got in to town, she called me from the plane to tell me she had landed and that it would take a little time for her to get her stuff together, get off the plane and bundle up because she was in a skirt. She called me from her seat in the back of the plane where she was surrounded by strangers. And said this:

Steph: Hey! So we landed. But it'll be just a little while because I'm in the back of the plane, and I'm not wearing pants.

I completely understood what she meant because Steph wears skirts so I thought nothing of it. However, the people around her? Did not know about Steph's skirts. And heard her tell me she wasn't wearing pants. Immediately I could hear laughing in the background. I still didn't get it. Not until she texted me 2 minutes later and told me that the people around her were laughing, and one guy a few rows up yelled back to his friend who was sitting by her and asked if he wanted to trade seats.