Squirt's to blame for my drinking problem

On Friday my friend Squirt was in town. You'll remember I posted a picture of her rack on here back in January. Squirt and I have been friends since we were 11 and played in the same soccer league. Technically her name is Jenny, but I dubbed her Squirt in junior high and it stuck. She's not called Squirt for any reasons involving lack of bladder control or lack of control over any other bodily fluid, but rather because she was so small in junior high I used to carry her around in my pocket. Okay that's not entirely true, but our friend Jeff did used to palm her head and steer her around the hallways.

In case you ever meet Squirt, here are some vital stats you should know:

- Our biggest fight was in junior high over a boy named Adam. We both liked him, and we got into a yelling match at Squirt's house. What made this fight so pathetic is that Adam had absolutely no interest in either of us. At all. Also I think I may have thrown a shoe. Is that true, Squirt? Or am I making up details as I go along?

- At one point in time in high school she was dating a guy named Jeff and the other Jen in our group (who I will call OJ) was dating a guy named Dave. Each of them decided they liked the other's boyfriend better and thus The Great Switch of 1993 took place. Yes somehow they switched boyfriends. It was almost seamless how it happened. I'm still perplexed this many years later.

- The first time I ever got drunk was at Squirt's house. It was Memorial Day weekend of my junior year in high school, and her mom was out of town. It was only me, Squirt, OJ and our friend Heather, and we were having a sleepover. That is some crazy party, huh? The alcohol was supplied by Matthew McConaughey's character in "Dazed and Confused". Well, that's who he reminds me of anyway-this guy from the 'Ville. His legacy is that he has bought beer for hundreds of underage high school kids. If you had a party in the 'Ville in high school between the years of about 1992-1999, the chances are good that this guy supplied the beer. Squirt was friends with him so he hooked us up with some Budweiser and Zima (seriously). His only request was that he was invited over. Obviously someone who is out of high school wants to come to a sleepover with a bunch of 16 & 17 year old girls. Actually, thinking about it now, a 21 year old kid with a bunch of drunk high school chicks? Maybe he knew what he was doing. When he came over, he brought an older friend, and when we saw them through the front window standing on the porch, OJ and I thought they were parents. OJ started screaming, "It's old people! It's old people! We need to turn the radio off! How do you turn this goddamn thing off!?" Then she punched the stereo receiver as hard as she could, and the it went silent. "Oh my God you're like the Fonz," I said.

Almost immediately when I drank a Budweiser I made the life decision to not be a beer drinker. I couldn't believe how nasty it was. So I moved on to the hard stuff-the Zima. I drank a few of those, and since it was my first time drinking, I got hammered pretty quickly. However, I didn't realize that and decided that the Zima just wasn't doing it for me. So I went into Squirt's mom's liquor cabinet. Since I was new to this world, I felt that taking a shot of each would be the appropriate course of action. After all you don't just go in the store and buy a pair of jeans without trying them on, right? That's all I was doing-trying on the alcohol. Figuring out which ones I liked best. I don't know how many bottles there were. At least 10. I just went right down the line taking note of which ones were keepers and which ones would be filed under the "never drink again" list.

Then I got to the whiskey. I had a quick flashback of my boyfriend and his best friend telling me that whiskey tasted like kerosene. Kerosene! I had to see for myself. I grabbed a glass, and Squirt said sternly, "Sarah, don't drink too much of that. I don't want my mom to notice. And do not spill it!!" "Relax, Squirt. I got this under control," I replied as I poured half the bottle into the glass. Realizing I had taken too much and that Squirt's mom would definitely notice that amount missing, I slyly started pouring some back into the bottle. And by pouring some back into the bottle I mean I poured it all over the kitchen counter and floor. Squirt was not happy with me. "It's fine, baby. I'll clean this up. No problem. It's not like it's all over the kitchen or something," I said. I took a sip of the whiskey, and immediately spit it out all over the kitchen windows and cabinets. However, if Squirt gave me a dirty look I didn't see it because I was halfway up the stairs on my way to the bathroom to throw up. OJ had just sat down to pee when I burst into the bathroom screaming, "Get up! Get up! Get up!" She clumsily hobbled out of the bathroom with her pants around her ankles right as my insides came out. Luckily, I got it all in the toilet. My first drunk puke, and I got it all in the toilet-pretty impressive if you ask me.

As I hurled into the porcelain god, I thought, "Why yes, whiskey does taste like kerosene. And it burns like kerosene, too." Shortly after that the greatest thing ever happened. I've spoken to you about Josh B. and how he played an important role in my life-nay, in all our lives, including yours-as being the hottest guy ever produced by the 'Ville. Well, through a series of events I still don't really understand, he and his friends ended up at Squirt's house that night. They came...to our party. We were in our pajamas...drinking Zima. I had just puked. Not exactly the way we had dreamed it would happen, but it happened. He and his friends actually came into Squirt's house and hung out with us. This was 12 years ago. I am now 29 years old. I still have goosebumps. I remember his hot friend Derek saying it was cool that I tried whiskey and then giving me tips for feeling better after throwing up. He told me to drink Coke. To this day after a night of drinking, I drink Coke. Thank you, Hot Derek.

And thank you, Squirt, for letting me always sleep over and drink your mom's liquor and being in the same homeroom as me and always putting smiley faces on the notes you used to write and for being an amazing friend for the past 18 years (and for all the years to come). Oh and for letting me post a picture of your boobs on the internet.