Tuesday, March 11, 2008

My night at the mall

Tonight I had to run to the mall. Lately I haven't been going to the mall very much due to budget constraints inflicted upon me by the universe which won't make it so I can spend unlimited dollars on stuff without consequence. What's that about, universe? Not cool.

Anywho, I realized some things tonight:

1. Being someone who works at one of those mall kiosks has to be one of the loneliest jobs ever.

2. I know I am old because I only go to Hot Topic for Halloween costumes.

3. But I'm not so old that I don't laugh at stuff like this at Spencer's. What is up with that store by the way? It's like a third retarded, a third awesome and a third devil worshipping scary. What are you, Spencer's? P.S. I seriously want those straw glasses.

4. Claire from Heroes works at Chik-fil-A. I told the girl that she looked exactly like her. I was totally that person who just tells a stranger who she looks like. I hate those people, and now I am one. Oh well, it's not like I was like, "Hey have you ever seen Goonies? You look exactly like Sloth!"

5. Chik-fil-A makes me a better person.

6. Buying bras is almost worse than buying a bathing suit.

Let me just elaborate on that last point since the gentlemen reading this will never have to experience this. I mean if you do, that's totally cool-you'll get no judgement here. But I mean, I won't date you. Probably.

Here's the thing about bra shopping. First, it's really hard to find a bra that fits really well. Different brands' sizes are a little different just like in regular clothes. Plus you want to find one that pushes the ladies up and in a little bit. I know you always hear "lift and separate" and that's fine as long as you're not separating them so much that you can drive a semi between them. Plus you have to find the right shape of bra. You don't want to look like this:

Well I should say, I don't want to look like this. For some of you this might be your work look (John).

So all of this means that if you don't have a "favorite bra" or if every time you find a favorite bra Victoria's Fucking Secret goes and discontinues it, you have to try them on. Lots of them.

This is what I had to do tonight. Because let's just say that in the last week, I have busted anywhere from 0-2 bras. 2. I broke 2 more bras. It's not like I am that big. I mean they're a good size, but they're not superhuman. Or are they? Maybe I'm just assuming I don't have a superpower, that I have just regular human breasts. Maybe they're trying to send me a message. Tomorrow I will try preventing street crime with them. That's the only way to find out what kind of boobs I have.

Anyway, so I had to try on about a bajillion bras, and I avoided Vickie's It's-Not-So-Secret-How Expensive-You-Are because all the bras that have broken have been from there. Obviously I went to Kohl's. Because Kohl's and I are BFFs. Everything is on sale there, you guys. All the time. EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS ON SALE!! How is that possible? God I love you, Kohl's! I will kiss you full on the mouth.

So I tried on about-no exaggeration-4,200 bras. Okay that might be a slight exaggeration. Really it was more like 40. Not kidding. Boys, here is something you never think about because most of you have spent the majority of your life trying to remove bras: Bras are annoying to put on. I mean I don't want to give the impression that putting one on is so difficult that I have to get up early to accomodate it so I can make it to work on time. It's not like that. And actually after you've worn bras for a long time, it's just kind of an autopilot process. But there is a little bit of a process. Some maneuvering must take place. Some hook it in the front and then slide it around into place action. Unless you buy frontsies which, admittedly, are awesome. Especially when the guy you're fooling around with thinks it hooks in the back and you don't tell him, and then he gets all confused and frustrated. If we had time today, we would delve deeper into why I think it's funny to confuse and frustrate men during kissy time and how this might relate to why I don't have a boyfriend. Another reason I might not: blogging about bras.

Okay so the maneuvering really isn't a big deal...except for when there are tags involved. For some reason, bra tags are enormous. It's not like there's a ton of fabric there, yet the bra companies feel the need to cover half of it with a giant piece of hard cardboard with sharp edges. I was going to draw a picture of it then I kind of felt like a pervert. Suffice it to say, the tag takes up half the bra, and there's usually more than one.

Not only that, the tag never just lays flat. It's always at a weird angle so as your maneuvering into the bra, the sharp corner of the tag is stabbing you. After trying on about 38 bras, I started laughing at how scratched up my back and sides were. I mean it's really inevitable that that's going to happen when you try on that many bras. So as I was laughing about it, I tried on one more and was not paying attention to where the tag was. Suddenly it was like someone was jabbing me in the side with a nail and dragging it across towards my back. I actually yelped. Out loud. I took a look at the damage. Blood. I was bleeding. I actually drew blood trying on bras. Do you understand what this means, Internet?

I injured myself trying on bras!

That's a special kind of clutzy, you guys. I mean I have really brought it to a whole new level. I tried on one more after that, but it hurt too much and I was getting blood all over it. So I gave up.

In case it's not clear: I effing hate bra shopping. And it hates me.


Jason said...

Never has anyone made securing the ladies sound so horrific & you were wounded too.

This post has 'letter to Oprah' written all over it.

Anonymous said...

First, I can't read "Chik-fil-A" without cringing. I spent an entire year in law school calling it Chick-Fill-AH, not catching on and no one corrected me, instead they giggled behind my back. Thanks, Lori! Thanks!

Second, I want to suggest you become a hippie and burn the bras. I mean it. You can burn bras, grow your hair really long, shower less, and always, always, always vote for the democrat!

Also, I LOVE your line about boys spend most of their lives trying remove the garment, so they wouldn't understand the horrors of putting one on. Love it. -Steph

lengli said...

Being of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee (IBTC for those in the know), I until recently eschewed bras in favor of the tank tops with the bra built in. However, those are no longer trendy, and I have started to accept the fact that I'm a woman and not a tween (though some days are harder than others) - but this makes me fear for my future. I hope you're recovering from all those cardboard paper cuts!

Teri said...

Also--athletic bras?! Both, putting on/taking off require yoga poses than I am not quite capable of doing. Maybe this is an argument for working out = unhealthy.

Anonymous said...

Try Bloomingdales (My New Mecca o' Bra's), make them fit you and then bring you bra's of the right size. I [sadly] found I was wearing the most extremely wrong size and am REALLY a 32/34 DDD or E. AND, yes, it's expensive, but the fitting is right, then you can have your size and kind of know what to look for. Even if you end up buying one spendy bra from B'dales, you still have that info (knowledge is power!). They're hella better at fitting than the Vic-meisters or other department stores. I also only shop for bras once every five years or so, and this made it remarkably better.

I ALSO love the front fasten / confuse the luvver boys. Best Trick Ever

Natasha said...

Go to a specialty store! Less blood involved and, depending on the store, you get a sales lady that puts the bras on you! No more fits of acrobatic maneuvering, just a little harmless girl on girl action.

John said...

Ladies. Please ignore Steph and shower more not less.

Tom said...

so, you like Lost, right?

and you also like March Madness and brackets, right?

I only bring it up because the washington post set up this Lost bracket!

(Though admitedly some of the matchups are dumb.)

Brandi said...

I HATE shopping for bras. It's so annoying. It's even more difficult when you belong to the IBTC (I can relate Lengli) and the bra makes you feel like a a 10 year old boy. It's very discouraging.

Avitable said...

I told a waitress at TGI Friday's that she looked like Aimee Mann, and she totally looked like a clone of her, too. She was too young to know who Aimee Mann is, though, and thought I was telling her that she looked like a tranny.

Anonymous said...

OUCH! definitely agree - go to a specialty store - getting fitted is truly amazing.

And thank you Tom - it is so on with that LOST bracket!

Violet said...

I spent two weekends in the past month or so doing the bra thing. A store called Intimacy changed my life. They don't have one near you, but maybe it's a good excuse for a road trip! (www.myintimacy.com) And for sports bras, I love www.titlenine.com. Good luck!

Lollie said...

Newly pregnant and new to boobs (I was previously in the 10 year old boy category). Always wanted to wear the Vic Secret bras, but then I saw the prices. Went to Target for a day of bra shopping and was outta there in 20 minutes, with 4 bras - tried on 6! Yahoo, I heart Tar-zhay.

ThatGirl7278 said...

I totally feel you on this WHOLE SUBJECT. Mostly because I am one of those in-betweeners; not quite one of two sizes. And btw those "almost Cs", etc are bogus. But I digress. I cannot remember the last time I went bra shopping and didn't have to try on at LEAST 20. It will take me hours. Ri-effin-diculous! My sympathies on your injury.
PS - Ditto on the tag issue. What's up w/that?

Johnny Virgil said...

this whole trying on bras that have been on countless other women's potentially nasty boobage thing has me creeped out a little. Just sayin.

Anonymous said...

I need to visit my local Kohl's now.

Anonymous said...

I just got back from Kohl's! I had no idea how awesome it is! I only spent $108 and bought 12 really cute knit tops that fit well in the length (I'm tall like you). I am going back asap.

Mon said...

holey hell pack your shit and come on our monthly shopping spree.

Firstly, whens the last time you were measured for a bra? Dont you watch oprah? Its hardly embaressing they do it at victorias secret, or macys and they do it over the clothes. once you have that correct number/letter combo, the possibilities are endless, and your straps dont fall down. mmm hmm, i said it!

The body by victoria? The most comfy bra ever invented. I bought me a few of these on their semi annual clearance sale, so they were what, 20 bucks vs 60? yea.

Other than that i got the BOGHO (buy one get one half off) at lane bryant. sensuous curves by cacique. awesome for the cleavage. comes with removable plastic air bags thatyou stuff inside the bra. mmm hmm. pretty hott

Sarah said...

Bra shopping can suck my ass. I hate it, hate it, hate it with a firey passion. The only ones that fit me are heinous old woman bras. I can't even remember the last time I went bra shopping... I found some that fit me and I will wear them until I die. If on the off chance that I do not die before the bras fall apart, I'm not totally sure what I'm going to do.

Oh, and being someone who works at one of those mall kiosks IS one of the loneliest jobs ever... I have been that person, and it makes you want to kill yourself.

Me! said...

I'm a big chested chick and I just have to say that the bras made by Cacique are seriously the best bras I've ever worn. No underwire poking through the bras. No breaking down of the fabric. Just some great support while being super duper sexy. May I suggest the plunge style bra. The boys dig it because your girls look all perky, supported and your cleavage goes for miles. I own 3 in that style alone!

Anonymous said...

Can i just say this was your funniest post ever? Good stuff...