Wednesday, July 30, 2008

My sister's dry bachelorette party

I just went through all the pictures I had from Diane's bachelorette party at Put In Bay a month ago. Um...I'll be frank: there are barely any I can post without putting in jeopardy the careers, future political aspirations, and overall respect from others of all the girls involved in the pictures. However, I will try to get the point across using what I can.

A group of us took off work that Friday and drove up early. As we were waiting in line to get on the ferry, naturally we started doing jello shots. What else are you going to do at noon on a Friday. Once we got to the island, we immediately put up this caution tape to warn those staying in the houses around us:

Those who got caught up in the craziness only have themselves to blame as the area was clearly marked. Shortly after that, we went uptown to the bars where I had the most delicious lemonade and vodka that God has ever bestowed upon this planet. Plus we got to see some awesome man jorts:

And this guy dedicated a song to Diane that none of us knew:

He was basically just a dude who grabbed his friend and said, "Hey-want to play guitar at Put in Bay"? Oh and he rapped.

Once we got back to the house, the rest of the girls came and we threw a feather boa on Diane. Then this started:

Since I was essentially the host of the event and I wanted to be sober enough to make sure Diane was having fun, I tried to keep myself under control. Tried and failed completely. I blame Sharda who brought Grey Goose and olives and made us martinis. A - they were the best martinis ever. B - they took me from semi-normal functioning human being to poo-faced retarded dancing monkey in about 1.2 minutes. I love Sharda.

Before I knew it we were at our first bar meeting weirdos. Part of the reality of a bachelorette party is that you attract weirdos. My advice to you in this situation? Don't fight it. Just go with it. They can sense you trying to get rid of them, and by God they will dig in their heels and hang on even harder. Just let them come up, say their weirdo things and then let them go on their weirdo way. Ooh we did meet U.S. Marshalls, though. That was pretty awesome. We got to see their badges and everything. One had a Goonies t-shirt on so obviously he was instantly my best friend. The other one was in love with my friend Kimmie who is married. That did not deter him in any way. This is verbatim what he said to me when I found out he was a U.S. Marshall: "Single, U.S. Marshall, 100K+ a year. What of it?" Yeah. Is that awesome or what?

In no time, Diane was singing "Talk Dirty to Me" with the band. Here she is singing into my new boyfriend's microphone:

Do you see this guy's cut off shirt and tennis shoes? Fantabulous. That is the only word for it.

My loyalty to my new boyfriend was tested at the next bar when I saw this shirt:

Okay look, I know I am being judgemental. But I mean...that's what I do. Let's be honest. And let me just say that I think it's absolutely great if you go to Egypt and buy a souvenir for yourself. But is a bar at PIB the right place to wear this shirt? On second thought, I did make a direct bee-line over to him to ask him where he got it so maybe it had the effect he wanted. No, no-I'm posting it on my blog. That can't be the result he was hoping for.

We were really lucky in that our favorite cover band, The Websters, were playing at PIB while we were up there.

Here they are just beyond boyfriend contender number 3 with the ill-advised ponytail.

The next day was a lot tamer. Just kidding-didn't you see the caution tape? At lunch there was a kid doing magic tricks and making balloon animals for a nearby children's birthday party. It took about 13 seconds for us to decide to call him over. He made Diane a balloon sword and a balloon crown. I'll admit it-I was jealous. After that was the winery where we started a game of "I Never". It was enlightening to say the least. I learned a lot about my friends. Maybe some things I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing. Suddenly as we were answering questions about inappropriate things we've done in a moving vehicle, it started to rain. We decided to buy a bunch of wine and take it back to the houses. Luckily we had 2 cars to drive back in. Unluckily, we had 19 girls. So Steph ended up taking roughly 12 of them on a giant golf cart. I wish you could've seen them riding on the golf cart in the rain. It is in my top 10 list of things I've seen in my life. Steph was driving, trying to hold an umbrella outside the cart. The other girls were huddled together in the back. And as they moved at about 7 mph, they were all singing "Blame It On the Rain". Milli Vanilli is always there to comfort us in our time of need.

Shortly after we got back to the house, it was time to take Kimmie to the ferry so she could go home. I drove her, but Steph came with me because I don't know my way around the island even though I have been going there every year for 8 years. What can I say, I am rarely sober there. Or in, you know, life. Steph immediately got in the backseat, laid down and said, "This feels right." That's our Stephie.

As we got closer and closer to the lake, the weather started to calm down. And by calm down, I mean the heavens opened up and started throwing chunks of shit at my car. It was hailing like crazy. I mean hailing like I have never experienced hail in my entire life. It was deafening. Luckily, I reacted calmly and sensibly by pulling into a parking lot next to the ferry, sticking my fingers in my ears and screaming. I'm serious, you guys, I have never in my life heard anything that loud. And all I could think about was my poor car. Kim was a big help in the passenger seat saying, "Oh my God! Sarie, I'm so sorry!"

Suddenly from the backseat there was a firm voice. It was Steph and she was saying, "Sarah, if you think you can drive, you need to get away from the lake as soon as possible." So I pulled out of the parking lot and followed her sharp directions. "Left! Right! Left!" She got us back to the house and said, "Sorry I got abrupt like that. I grew up on the lake, and I saw the trees bending the way they bend when a water spout is about to hit." Steph saved my life, you guys. I told her I was going to say that at her eulogy, and she yelled at me for writing her eulogy. But seriously. If you are ever in an emergency situation and I am around instead of Steph, you are totally fucked.

The hail at the house. Next to the lake it was roughly 127 times worse.

Saturday night, we dressed Diane up like a classy lady:

And started our night with a game of Kings. Then...well...then Peter Pecker made his entrance. Peter Pecker is the anatomically correct blow up doll we gave to Kim for her bachelorette party last year. She brought him with her. When he came out, things really went south fast. First he had to be inflated:

Then he started showing off:

Then pictures like these started happening:

And then we just slipped lower and lower into the depths of depravity, and I just can't post any more because, I mean, my parents read this. about some randoms?

These make me want to be a better man.

This is what happened when some dude walked by Renee, took off her lei, and put it around his neck and I grabbed it off of him and it got caught on his sunglasses or something:

It stretched a minimum of 25 feet before someone got pissed and broke it. Right before or after this, Renee and I decided to act out the "Sledgehammer" video. While everyone around us looked scared, I almost peed my pants laughing while we pretended to be a chicken moving in stop-motion animation.

This fan became an important prop in our subsequent dances.

Side note: At this particular bar, an old lady flashed Diane. She was mad none of the guys at the bar wanted her to flash them, so apparently she decided what my sister really wanted before she got married was to be uncomfortable and grossed out and reminded that she is truly attracted to men.

This guy was watching us dance, and when I stopped for a minute he tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Hey. Shake it, don't break it."

Other random events:
- I proposed to Becky
- Jen, Jess, Danielle and Becky went to a house where a bachelor party was staying and saw the stripper they had hired. From the description I was given, she was in her forties but had the skin of a, well, of a fruit rollup. And she was completely naked and did horrible gross tricks that we made the girls reenact with Peter Pecker and that have scarred them for life.
- We got in a fight with a group of guys because...I have no idea why. I don't remember. But I know we really hit them where they hurt. Like we claimed one of the guys was in the musical "Wicked" and we sang songs from the soundtrack to him. And I called one of the guys "The Boy Who Could Fly". Because that's an obvious insult and makes a lot of sense. Believe me you do not want to get in a fight with us. We will totally kick your ass Broadway musical style.
- Looking at the pictures tonight, I realized you can totally see my bra through the shirt I wore Friday night. Girls, where were you on that one? You can't give me a heads up? 'Hey, Sarah-nice leopard print bra. Maybe you wanna wear one that doesn't make you look like a fruit rollup stripper-in-training.' Is that so hard, ladies?

By the way, 2 weeks ago we held an in-town bachelorette party for the girls and Moms who couldn't come to PIB. The boys held one for Drew the same night. We ended up joining forces at the end of the night. They were much more controlled than the first out-of-town bachelor/bachelorette parties:

I'll leave you with one last picture which I think really sums up our entire PIB weekend:

Say no to crack.

Made you look.


Gina said...

That sounds like so much fun! The last bachelorette party I went to wasn't quite so fun, but I think it was because I was a jillion years older than everyone else.

that girl said...

I have been reading your blog for a bit and this post just cracks me sounds like a grand time.

Courtney said...

I love that you all get into it as if it's your own last night of being single. So, I'm getting married this December. Will you and your friends host my bachelorette party?

Anonymous said...

Awesome, that was awesome...and thanks for leaving out the peanut butter and ziplock baggie admission I made. -Steph

Sassy Blondie said...

Excellent recount of the event. Two thumbs up! But Sarah, I have one question:

Was that guy wearing the shirt or was the shirt wearing HIM?


Raz said...

I went to Egypt last summer and had to physically restrain my mother so she didn't buy a shirt like that. It was exhausting, but I see after your post that it was worth it.

I think the guy in the ponytail looks like a catch.

JL said...

At least you didn't host it while wearing an adorable dress that you couldn't wear panties with. While drunk.

(Lesson learned.)

Blogger said...

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