I now have all the answers

I realize I've been slacking in my "Lost" duties, but I am back. Let's do this thing! Spoilers ahead.

- I really need Sawyer to recognize that his former Lostie friends are now creepazoid versions of themselves so that he can step up and save the day.

- Bad boy Sawyer is way hot, but cop Sawyer? HOOOOOOOOT!!!

- I like Miles and Sawyer as friends and partners. Good stuff. Do you think Miles can talk to dead people in sideways reality? We'll probably find out soon enough.

- Bizarro Locke was way forthcoming about being the smoke monster. I did not expect a confession that fast. Also I really wish anyone on this show would react normally to anything ever. Sawyer's reaction to Bizarro Locke telling him he's a smoke monster was basically like, "Oh okay." This kind of writing is relentlessly annoying. I get that it's consistent with how this show has been written since day one so that's fine. But it's the final f*cking season, and there are like 8 episodes left. So let's. get. a. move on.

- Charlotte off the island is a mega babe! A little hair care and makeup does wonders for her. Are Charlotte and Sawyer gonna do it? Oh. Yes they are. That was like 3 minutes into the date, yes? So she's kind of a slut, too. Nice. Oh and she's an idiot. Like he wouldn't see her going through his personal stuff?

- Uh oh-am I supposed to recognize the dress Sawyer is crying over? I'm assuming it's Juliet's, but there are about 12 million details I'm supposed to remember on this show.

- Holy Claire freak out. Bizarro Locke's like, "This is completely inappropriate." Understatement of the year? I don't like scary Claire. Or scary Sayid. I would like my Losties to be normal and friends again please. This isn't what I had in mind for this season!

- Ew! Pile of dead bodies covered in flies! I can say with 99% certainty that that image and sound will be in my nightmares tonight.

- Oh good. We're 8 episodes from the end of the show, and we're still introducing new characters.
- I thoroughly enjoy Miles. I would like for him to tell us what he heard when Sayid died and came back alive.

- Man Sawyer's so mad he will punch a mirror. It's just like when Rick Springfield punched a mirror in the "Jessie's Girl" video because he was just. so. angry!

- This plane survivor lady is clearly up to something. "How many people are with you? Do you guys have guns?" Give me a break, lady! I'm not even a trained con man, and I can see through your little act. Holy crap the guy yelling at Sawyer to drop his gun is totally Chip from "Kate & Allie"!

















I am the keeper of all 80's sitcom stars.

- Okay so these new people (the 14th set of Others) are Whidmore's people, right?

- I love that in sideways reality Sawyer watches "Little House on the Prairie" reruns to unwind. That might be the most unrealistic thing that's ever been on this show.

- Um…okay am I totally crazy or is Charlotte completely out of line? If anyone should be mad here, it's Sawyer. Not the other way around. She's a freaking nosy beeyotch who should never have opened up that folder.

- Okay yes they're Whidmore's people. Are we ever going to find out what the hell he wants with this island? Why does he want to kill Bizarro Locke? Sawyer seems to know why. Is this something we were supposed to infer? Answers, anyone?

- This reminds me: Penny and Desmond? Ever again? I miss them.

- I like the dramatic music for the "huge" revelation, "We ain't takin' the plane, Freckles. We're takin' the sub." They may have overestimated how chilling that line would be judging by the intensity of the music.

You guys, I've pretty much given up all hope of ever finding out anything on this show. I know I am a total Debbie Downer about it so my sincerest apologies to you all. But here is what I think the entire time I watch an episode: "Let's fucking move it along, folks." I can't help it! There are literally like 8 or 9 episodes left, and we are no closer to knowing anything at all. It's taking the joy out of it for me. I've invested 6 years into a story, and I don't think it's asking a lot to want an actual conclusion.

Here is a good example of how irritating this is getting: In the previews for next week, Richard says, "Do you want to know a secret? Something I've known for a long time? All of this? It's not what you think!" No shit! That is brand new information! Like, for real? For real, Lost writers?

Okay sorry. Bitching is over. Annoying or not, this show is still better than 95% of other shows out there, and it still makes for AWESOME conversations with friends especially after a few drinks. Also for the most hilarious Lost (and Gossip Girl) recaps ever, please go to Videogum. Honestly that site has improved the quality of my leisure time.

I better get to bed. St. Patrick's Day tomorrow! I'm going to work. And by work I mean out to bars at 8am. Expect shenanigans.