Okay Seriously: Christmas Pre-show

Hey so...Christmas Eve is tomorrow. I think I speak for every old person when I say, "How the fuck is it Christmas Eve already?" Okay some of you probably would've left out the f-bomb, but I captured the sentiment correctly, I think. Also, stop being a pussy and just use the f-bomb.

Here's what I've been up to:

- Two weeks ago we went to the Christmas Story house. If you're in town, it's worth a quick look, but honestly it's overrated. The best part is looking at it from the outside with the leg lamp in the window. It's also fun to obnoxiously yell out quotes from the movie while other people are trying to enjoy their tour of the house and museum. Try to go with Steph who will complain about how boring it is the entire time. She was so angry with us for making her go. It made it all worth it. After that, we went to Great Lakes Brewing Company. Then Bazaar Bizarre to see our friends CLE Clothing Company and Lindsayknits. You should buy stuff from them because they are awesome and make quality things. Also they are all really cute people. After that it was Reddstone then YOLO Wine bar. Then we went to The Harp. Basically what I'm saying is we kind of did an impromptu pub crawl, and it was awesome. My 5 week old nephew was with us for everything but the Christmas Story house. He loves to party. I love him so much it hurts. Steph couldn't go to The Harp with us because she had to go officiate a wedding.

...

???

Oh sorry do you have questions about that? Well, first of all, you read it right. Steph-my little red-headed pistol of a friend who 5 years ago got ordained over the Internet-married two of her friends at a restaurant 2 weeks ago. Let it sink in. I'll wait.

Here's how I found out: Steph and I were supposed to be in a "modern day sleigh ride" parade that night. Basically people with convertibles drive down the street with the top down, waving while Christmas music plays. Totally normal thing to do. So a few days before that was supposed to happen, I got this text message: "Can't do the open sleigh ride convertible Saturday. I have to perform a wedding at the [restaurant name redacted]. You read that correctly. Sorry! You can take my car tho and go without me."

I literally cannot tell you how many questions flooded my mind. I was so overwhelmed with the need for more detail that I had to take time to compose my response. Essentially what happened was a couple of her friends decided to get married on a whim, and Steph reminded them that she was Internet ordained. That's all it took.

How does this happen in real life? Because she is Steph. And her life is not normal. She finally admitted it after this. A few things:

1. She married them before their appetizers came.
2. She forgot to do the rings.
3. She put the wrong date on the marriage certificate.
4. She wore a kimono.

I know you have a hundred more questions, but I have no answers for you. This is just...how it is. Have I mentioned before that I love Steph? You guys seriously need to find your own. It is too much fun.

- Our annual Girls Christmas party was last Friday. As usual it was filled with lots of wine, food and high pitched screams. I don't know what the deal is with women, but when we get together our voices just get higher and higher. What is that about? Anyway, champagne was flowing that night. Mostly through my veins. I mean I drank A LOT of it. A lot. Like thinking about how much is almost embarassing. It makes sense because I was hosting. It's always good when the host is the drunkest person at the party. People love going to parties with an asshole in charge. I'm sure everyone loved it when, toward the end of the party, I blasted Jason Derulo and sang at the top of my lungs. It was really Christmasy. Other highlights: Meg ballet dancing to "The Twelve Days of Christmas" as sung by John Denver and the Muppets, Carrie screaming about how much she loves Taylor Dane. I know there were other highlights but my gawd I drank a lot of champagne.

[ed. note]: Why aren't you listening to "We Are Golden" by Mika right now? It's so awesome.

- Steph had a Christmas party on Saturday after Diane somehow convinced her to at the last minute. It was a wine tasting party. We did this a couple years ago, and it was a complete drunken cluster. Everyone brings a wine-white or red-two bottles of the same brand. Then we wrap one up, and everyone tastes them all and picks their favorite red and favorite white. Whoever brings the winning wine, wins all the extra bottles. Two years ago, I won the white contest. This year I won the white contest again. I don't want to brag, but EAT IT, LOSER FRIENDS. I'm just saying this is now like "my thing": winning things at parties. Woody doesn't drink wine so he brought Boone's Farm. Obviously. It was entered into the white contest so guess what that means? Yep-I won a bottle of Boone's Farm. Like that's punishment. Please. I live for cheap girly wine. They might as well call it Sarah's Farm. I hope they don't, though. Trevor was at this party, too. I'm not kidding-at 6 weeks he has a busier social life than I do. Also look what Steph uses as a water dish for her dog:

[ed. note]: TV related stuff: Stupid Christmas episode of "The Office" was great. I wanted to be all whiny about how it's not the same show, and then it was amazing. Stupid Dwight with his decoy snowmen making me pee my pants laughing and stupid Jim making me cry at his reaction to Pam's gift, and Daryl has a daughter (!), and Michael breaking down in the parking lot then walking Pam back inside so she wouldn't slip and then dressing up as Santa Claus. Ugh. So good! What am I going to complain about, Office!? Oh how about "Gossip Girl"? Serena is awful. Like 100% awful and nothing else. Blair is amazing. Also the right group won "The Sing-Off", right? I totally voted for them. So far, I'm on a 2 for 2 streak of picking the winner. This clearly means I should be a judge on the show and that I should have sex with Nick Lachey. Dude. Is. Hot.

- Last night was Christmas Happy Hour(s) at Meg's place. This party also came to be after Diane convinced Meg to have it. What is up with Diane talking people into having parties? It's awesome. I think it's so she can easily bring Trev. He was at this one, too. The girls fight over who gets to hold him. They time each other and call "next". I'm okay with it because when I'm around him when it's just the family, I'm a shameless baby hog. I don't even care. Give him to me. Anyway Meg had decided she had too much wine at home and wanted help drinking it. Well we are really caring friends, and Meg needed our help so what choice did we have? She needed us. I was told this morning that we finished off about 15 bottles. Holy hell. We also had alcohol infused whipped cream. Have you guys tried this stuff? It's amazing. Why did it take so long for this to be invented? We were eating the chocolate kind out of little chocolate shot glasses along with some Bailey's. At one point (after several glasses of wine, I should add), I decided I just wanted the whipped cream so I just put some of it on my hand and ate it with my finger. So did Matt-only he didn't use any fingers. It was just all kinds of wrong. Let's leave it at that. The best part? It stained my hand. Take a look:

Oh yeah-it looked like someone took a dump on my hand. What's worse is that I was eating the whipped cream with my right index finger, and that finger had the same color stain. So not only did it look like someone pooped on my hand, but it also looked like I stuck my finger up someone's ass. It's really too bad that it eventually came off (after 27 washings) because I think it would've been interesting to see my coworkers' reactions to this. "Sarah, what's on your hand?" "Oh...it's...I mean...I went to a party last night. It got...weird."

I think poopstain hands is as good a time as any to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and/or Happy December 25th. I realize I've been a bad blogger, but my resolution for 2011 is to pick up the pace again. I appreciate all of you very much. This year, as you know, is an extra special holiday at the Okay Seriously house because of the addition of my nephew Trevor. I can't even begin to explain the impact his arrival has had on me. Life without him is no longer a reality I want to think about ever. And he's not even my son. I'm sure those kinds of feelings are tenfold when it's your own kid. Bonus previously unthought of impact: When my sister and I go shopping we get to park in these spots now:

Even though Trev will have no idea what's happening on Christmas Day, just having him there is going to make this an absolutely amazing Christmas. I truly and sincerely hope for the same kind of holiday for you all.

I'll meet you back here after the big day, and then we can stop being grateful for everything we have and start bitching about how New Year's is the worst holiday ever known to man.

P.S. I got a couple new watches for my birthday, and John said, "Maybe I should get a watch." And I was like, "You should. You're almost 40." Then he said, "Well I have a Blackberry so I just get the time from that." Then this happened: