I wish I could punch someone right now

Um...I just spent an hour and a half on a post about our trip to Miami in October and then lost the whole. effing. thing. It is kind of par for the course tonight as I am having a tough night. I won't go into details mostly because they would bore you and also because writing about it gives it power it shouldn't have. Sorry to be cryptic.

Unfortunately, I need to sleep now so I will write more tomorrow. I'll fit it in between all the work I'm doing. And by work I mean reading "Marley & Me" at my desk.

In the meantime, these people should be shot.

I could really use some Kenny Rogers "Through the Years" right now

I mentioned that my friend Scott-who used to blog-is leaving our company. Today is our last day together. I am not handling it well.

Let me give you some background on me and Scott. I've been with the same company since I graduated college in 2004. Okay dammit 1999. Geez I can't get anything past you guys. Anyway, at the very beginning of 2000, I moved to a new department on a new floor in our building. Every day I would see the same group of guys walk by my cube-like a little nerd gang. I thought they were all going to the bathroom together and was naturally scared of them even though they seemed really nice.

Shortly after I joined my group, it just completely started falling apart. I literally had nothing to do. Not "I did nothing". I had NOTHING TO DO. I always thought that would be a perfect scenario: get paid for doing nothing. Guys, it's pretty effing boring, and I was miserable.

This is how I solved it: I found where the bathroom guys sat (down the hall from me), walked in to their "pod" (group of cubes all together) one day, sat down and said, "Hi. I'm Sarah. Can I hang out?" And that became my daily routine. So I mean not only was I completely unproductive, I sucked the productivity from their team. Hey-it's what I do. I'm really good at it. Actually they should pay me to lower the productivity of others. Oh wait-they already do.

Anyway, Scott and I became friends very fast because we had a lot in common. Oh and he's completely fucking awesome in every way. Sweet, kind, HILARIOUS, brilliant, caring, sarcastic, does the best impression of a fax machine ever-I really could go on and on. He and his wife both embraced me as a dear friend so quickly, I really couldn't believe my luck to have found them.

It's 8 years later, and we've been through so much together-the birth of his 3 boys, stupid boyfriends (that's strictly me), family sicknesses, etc. And while our friendship is well beyond just a work relationship, having him at work every day has been a comfort I can't describe.

Because of Scott, I was also introduced to more people who've enriched my life: Johnny Virgil, Dan, Special Dark, Wayne, Erik. More proof of my theory that you can never have too many friends and loved ones. Unless you win the lottery, and they all want money from you.

I haven't mentioned John yet. John joined Scott's group in 2001. We were friends within, maybe, a week. Tops. Scott and John were friends by the end of John's interview. The two of them will hate me for saying this, but I don't care. They have the cutest little bromance. They are two peas in a pod, and I am their work wife (I'm totally a whore of a work wife having two work husbands).

I'm always mentioning how lucky I am. This is more proof. For 8 years, I got to work with two of my very best friends. That just doesn't happen. I always knew someday it would end, but 8 years is a long time, and while I'm obviously devastated one of us is leaving, I cannot help but be anything but grateful. I had a hug, a shoulder to cry on, a guaranteed laugh every day. At work!

Okay I'm getting emotional so I'm just going to copy the letter I wrote to Scott here because if I don't I'll just keep babbling on and on.

"Dear Scott,

Okay first of all about the typing of this letter rather than hand writing it: A) I think better when I type and B) it won't run when I sob all over my keyboard. Also I would just like to say that my outward appearance the past couple weeks would suggest that I’m not happy for you and your new opportunity. I hope you know that is not true. I’m so happy for you and proud of you, and I know you will do amazing things at your new job. It’s just that I’m so very unhappy for me. And we both know this is all about me.

Seriously, though, I don’t even know where to start. You used to just be one of the guys who would walk past my desk in some sort of group ritual bathroom excursion which I later found out was really just a journey for water (thank God), and now 8 years later the thought of not getting to see you everyday makes my heart hurt almost as bad as passing a gall stone. Ouch.

It’s so rare to find people that capture your heart within minutes of meeting them, and you are one of those people for me. Not only that but you came with a wife and, later, children who did the same thing. The way you guys have embraced me as a part of your extended family is something for which I’m eternally grateful. I hope you know I feel the same way about you.

I’m struggling with how to adequately tell you just how important it’s been to me to have you here at work everyday. Nobody gets that lucky to get to work with one of their very best friends. And I got to do it for 8 years. Having you and John here has been a dream come true, and I am not exaggerating when I say that you are literally one of the main reasons I even come to work every day.

At the risk of making you feel guilty for breaking up the band, you should know that there will be a void here without you that can’t be filled by anyone else-even people that look like you (Dan)-because you are one of a kind-in the best possible way. Everyone who knows you would agree. And everyone at your new company-that-shall-remain-nameless will see it, too. It will take them roughly 15 seconds. You’ll quickly become one of the most beloved people there because it’s who you are. Stupid lucky new company.

The one thing that comforts me right now is knowing that we are so much more than just work friends, and you dropping out of my work life doesn’t equal you dropping out of my whole life. You mean so much to me. I love you, Scotty. Good luck at your new stupid job.

BFF.

Love always,
Sarah"

Scotty, I love you. Good luck at your new job. You'll be awesome and also please don't leave. K thanks.

Taking care of "business"

Okay I am working on a post about my weekend, but I have to interrupt myself and give you this breaking update:

I am on a conference call right now. Someone on here forgot to mute, and we heard the toilet flush. Awesome, right? That is straight up Naked Gun gold. However, less than a minute later we heard someone peeing and the toilet flush again. There is only one logical explanation for this:

Someone on this call is in a bathroom, sitting in a stall, taking a dump.

Best. Day. Ever.

I wear my snow boots pretty much 24/7

I think my horoscope for today is telling me to take off a week of work to devote to blogging:

"You are likely aware of your writing abilities, Sarah, but you may not realize just how talented you are. It would be worthwhile for you to consider devoting more time to honing your craft. You can't expect to improve much when your writing time is scattered in between other obligations. You need large blocks of uninterrupted time in order to really produce something of value. Why not give it a try, even if just for a week or so, to see what you are capable of."

I am totally on board with this idea, horoscope! Can you tell my boss for me?

Here are some updates for y'all:

- I got a new laptop at work which is awesomely fast and doesn't make me want to break into a homicidal rage because it takes 12 minutes to open a freaking email. I love you, new work laptop, even though it takes me-literally-10 minutes to get you locked into your docking station!

- I got a new home laptop. And it is beautiful and amazing and makes me want to be a better man. I am literally obsessed with it, you guys. And honestly it will make blogging a whole hell of a lot easier-I just have to be home to do it, and I have not been home very much recently. One more reason to listen to my horoscope.

- One of my best friends in the entire world who happens to work with me, Scott, is leaving to go to another company. I can't really talk about this right now because I am too emotional. He is one of the main reasons I even get up and go to work, and I am not even exaggerating. I will dedicate an entire post to this next week since his last day is next Friday.

- Jace made dinner for my sister and me. Pot roast, fancy mashed potatoes, noodles, broccoli with bacon, salad, wine and beer. Hello best dinner invite ever! It was just a Wednesday night, and I was like, "I'll pick us up some takeout." and he goes, "Why don't you come over? I have a pot roast." And I was like, "Grandma?" This dinner was awesome for several reasons: 1 - I love Jace an inordinate amount, 2 - See aforementioned list of prepared food, 3 - Diane and Jace totally got kind of drunk. I don't know what happened, but at one point Jace got out his Dyson vaccuum cleaner and demonstrated it's amazing cleaning power. Par-tay!! We are out of control here in Cleveland!

- I wrapped Woody's Christmas presents for him. Seriously. The kid hates wrapping presents so I volunteered since wrapping Christmas presents makes me so happy it's embarassing. Interesting sidenote: he needed me to bring my own scissors. What? He doesn't have scissors? What's that about, Woody?

- I turned 29+3. Whatever. I'm completely nonchalant and uncaring about the whole thing. Hold me.

- My friends and family, as usual, were amazing to me on my birthday-buying me presents, giving me cards, going out in crappy weather just to celebrate with me. I know I say this all the time, but I will never stop: I am the luckiest person on the planet because of the people I have in my life. They are as awesome as it gets. Oh and an awesome sidenote: John's kids made me homemade bday cards and made a video singing me "Happy Birthday" which John played for me on Monday. OHMYGOD. It was the cutest thing ever. I almost cried. Do you see what I am dealing with here? Amazing people everywhere I turn!

- I saw previews for "Lost" and peed my pants.

Here are my plans for the next couple weeks:

Drink.
Be merry.
Catch up on Gossip Girl because I am 14 years old.
Drink.
Blog...probably while drinking.

Still thankful

I forgot to post about things I am thankful for this year, and since tomorrow I turn 29+3 and am thisclose to a semi-meltdown about it, I think today would be a good day to remind myself what I'm thankful for.

1. Family, friends, readers, Henry (the dog), S&V Pringles, Cherry Coke, pumpkin bread-you know, the usual.

2. I still have a job.

3. My new Christmas tree (it is so pretty, you guys)

4. My new laptop which I am setting up tonight and which is going to be awesome because now I can do iTunes from my recliner and I will be able to blog more often because I can do it in front of the TV (how I do most other things).

5. Friday Night Lights. January 16th.

6. Twilight

7. Dan who is 26 and who keeps telling me that I am really young. Also he has a beard and promised he wouldn't shave it before my birthday. What is it with my guy friends, my birthday and their facial hair?

8. Grilled cheese restaurants

9. Christmas parties

10. Woody for leaving this voicemail on my phone Wednesday: "Hey, Sarah. It's Woody. So listen I know you hurt yourself a lot. Do you have any crutches? I hurt my ankle at basketball and figured you had some since you're always hurt. Call me back." Awesome.

11. Chocolate milk

12. Scott for buying me this book for my birthday and leaving it on my desk to surprise me today. I found it in Borders after lunch one day, and we were absolutely losing our minds. Seriously it is effing hilarious. They're just really cute pictures of baby animals with horrible confessions on them. Example:

Picture: Three little kittens in a box together.
Saying: The donor backed out.

Holy crap. I can't believe Scott remembered this and got it for me! He is the best. Also a couple years ago our information security department handed out these stamps that we're supposed to use to classify our printed materials as Internal, Confidential, etc. You know-the stupid corporate crap that anyone who works in a big company understands. Well Scott wrapped the book and marked it Highly Confidential. Awe-some. When I brought it up, he goes, "That is the first (and only) time I have ever used that stamp." I love my friends.

13. No cavities!

14. My "Office" calendar that John gave me for my birthday last year which right now has a picture of Meredith and this quote: "For my New Year's resolution, I gave up drinking...during the week."

15. I'm totally wearing slippers at my desk. Shh.

There are a million bajillion other things I am thankful for, but right now I need to go get some pop because I just drank all my chocolate milk like a good kindergartner. 29+3, you guys. Ugh. Vodka. Need it.

Thanksgiving is over but pumpkin bread lives on

How I helped with Thanksgiving dinner:

1. Relish tray
2. Stirred gravy
3. Put out bread plates
4. Yelled at Diane for not mashing the potatoes enough

You may be wondering, "But, Sarah, who filled the water glasses? That seems like such a natural fit for you." And it is, believe me. But this year my cousin's 23 year old daughter was with us. Obviously she was put on water glass duty. At dinner-the first time in Thanksgiving history that she was at the adult table, by the way-any time someone would ask, "Who made this?", she would quickly say, "I did!" because a) she wanted to take credit for more than just ice water and b) she is hilarious like most members of my family are. I was like, "Meaghan, don't worry-someday you will work your way up to relish tray. But I mean it won't be until you're almost 32."

As usual my Thanksgiving was wonderful because I got to spend time with my family, listen to Christmas music, stuff my face with good food and watch Risk Astley sing in the Macy's parade!!!!!! Seriously did you guys see that? I almost pooped my pants. If you didn't, it was on a Cartoon Network float for a show called "Foster's Home" or something. And all the characters started singing a song about "Have you met my best friend?" and then the music stopped suddenly and out came Rick Astley singing "Never Gonna Give You Up". Rick totally rickrolled us! It was maybe the single greatest thing I have ever witnessed. Look for it on YouTube. It is awesome. I can't link to it because I'm at work and work doesn't let me get to any sites that are fun and/or feature Rick Astley.

Friday we did our family shopping day (yes we do that). I know, I know-why did you pick Black Friday? Well, Drew really wanted to go this year and that is the only day he could go. I haven't been out shopping on Black Friday in like 15 years, and I just want to say holy effing crap. What is wrong with people? It was seriously insane, and none of us actually bought any presents for anyone except for me because obviously I am the least selfish person in my family. Even though everything else I bought was totally just for me. Then we went to dinner and saw "Four Christmases" which was pretty cute. One question: why is Vince Vaughn so awesome?

Saturday everyone went out and by everyone I mean everyone except me and Sharda because I was sick with some weird stomach virus and Sharda threw out her back standing up off her couch. Don't feel bad, Sharda-in college I threw out my back shaving my legs in the shower.

A couple items to note:

- It's cheesy Christmas movie time again. Who watched "Moonlight and Mistletoe" with Candance Cameron? Come on, you guys-I know some of you did. God I love cheesy made for TV Christmas movies.

- Last night Steph, Meg and I ate at Melt Bar and Grille which is a grilled cheese restaurant (awesome). Steph and I ordered the sandwich of the month which was just a regular grilled cheese sandwich with a patty of breadcrumb covered macaroni and cheese inside of it. Macaroni and cheese inside a grilled cheese! Doesn't it seem like that breaks all kinds of laws of the universe and such? I'm surprised we didn't cause the universe to collapse on itself.

- "Friday Night Lights" starts on NBC on January 16th so those of you have still have to catch up, do it now. I will never stop trying to get you all to watch it so you might as well just do it. Best show on television.

- Also "Chuck" is really awesome. Start watching that, too.

- How was your Thanksgiving?

I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore

There are some things we need to talk about:

- I'm not going to tell you how many times I saw "Twilight" this weekend. Suffice it to say, I may have single-handedly assured that the sequel would be made into a movie. For those curious, I loved it. Is it Oscar-worthy? Of course not. Is it the greatest movie to be put to film? No way. But it is lovely for what it is-a teenage love story about 2 kids, one of whom happens to be a vampire. It hits the right note with its intended audience (tweens and 30 year olds who are eternally 13 on the inside). Also I don't know what Rob Pattinson's deal is, but for someone who really isn't that cute, he sure does give me the tingle. Jesus. He can stare at me like I'm his next meal anytime he wants. I was wrong about him when I first heard he was cast. He is the perfect Edward.

- I am so depressed about "Pushing Daisies" being cancelled that I don't even know what to do. Why? Why is this happening to me? Seriously, ABC-you keep "Wife Swap" but get rid of one of the most imaginative and entertaining shows on television? You should be ashamed. While we're at it: please tell Shonda Rimes (head writer on "Grey's Anatomy") that she has completely lost her mind. She is off her rocker, and I am very close to leaving the show for good. The Izzie-Denny storyline simply must go. It is even worse than the original Izzie-Denny storyline which was AWFUL. That is all I'm going to say about that because I literally will not be able to stop bitching. Shonda, you're horrible. Time for someone else to take over. The only good thing you've done this season besides made Alex more awesome is bring on Owen Hunt, the military doctor guy. That man is rugged. Rugged complicated tortured awesome hotness.

- Seriously "Pushing Daisies"! I'm so sad! Lee Pace better be on television again and soon.

- You might remember that last year when my sister and I offered to help out at Thanksgiving, my mom asked us to make the relish tray rather than letting us cook something. Relish tray as in pickles and olives. Well guess who just got upgraded to dessert! That's right: my sister. I'm still on relish tray duty. WTF! When I confronted my mother she said, "I just know how much you love the relish tray, and I knew you would do a good job." Hmm...that sounds suspiciously like the way you would explain your decision to a 5 year old. Then she said, "What I really need is for you to come over early and help me." Let me tell you guys how that will go:

Me: Hey, Mom! What can I do?
Mom: Can you stir this gravy?

I stir gravy for 20 minutes.

Me: Okay, now what? Need me to make the stuffing or potatoes?
Mom: Can you set the table?

I set the table.

Me: Okay want me to check on the turkey? Baste it or whatnot?
Mom: Can you get everyone a glass of water?

Are you guys seeing a pattern here? I am really not allowed anywhere near the food or kitchen. Someday this will change. I will do something important. It will be awesome and awe-inspiring and will most likely end in a trip to the hospital.

The world will come crashing

I'm pretty sure I received death threats from Sharda this weekend for being such a bad blogger. But seriously, you guys, I have not been home. Plus since the weather is changing here, my head has been just one big ball of searing pain. Migraines are awesome!

I have to tell you about Virginia Beach still (3 months later), our trip to Miami U and our Halloween party, but I need pictures for all of them and don't have them here. So instead I'm going to tell you about what we did last Monday. Last Monday we went to see Jack's Mannequin at The Grog Shop. I have never been to see a concert at The Grog Shop, but it is roughly the size of my living room and the stage is about 1 foot higher than the rest of the place. What this means is, it is both simultaneously awesome and horrible at the same time. Because while you definitely get the feel of a more intimate show, unless you are in the first 6 rows, you can't see shit. So I guess overall, I'll say it kind of sucked-the venue I mean. Now, had I been in the front row, I'd probably be saying it was the greatest place to see a concert in the entire continental US.

I've made no secret of my intense love of Andrew McMahon and every thing he does. He is, simply put, a genius. We went to see him a couple years ago and Johnny Virgil has also spoken about him. In September, JM released their new album "Glass Passenger" which after one listen you're like, "This is pretty good. Not the greatest album ever released." Then after a couple more listens you're like, "Holy eff this is phenomenal!"

The Grog Shop, I think, mostly caters to punk bands so it explains why I haven't been there before. When we walked in we were surprised at how small it was. We were also surprised at the mutilated baby dolls hanging from the ceiling. Seriously they were everywhere. One had a snake wrapped around it with fake blood everywhere, one had legs in its eye sockets and a rat coming out of it's stomach, one had a skeleton body, one had it's arm cut off and was being burned over a fake open flame, one was gagged and bound and hanging from a noose and so on and so on. We tried to convince ourselves that they were just leftover Halloween decorations or possibly an art installation by a local artist because honestly we don't want to think about what the implications are if that's just their normal decor.

We arrived about mid-way through the first opening act's set. There were 2 opening acts. We had heard of neither of them. The first one was called Treaty of Paris, and they were roughly 14 and pretty good. They needed haircuts, though. I'm aware that makes me sound like a parent. I am okay with that. The second opener was a band called Fun. They started singing, and they had a very different sound. I instantly liked it. After a minute or so, I turned to Drew and said, "This guy sounds like the lead singer of The Format." Everyone agreed. After another minute or so, I said, "Okay seriously this guy sounds EXACTLY like the guy from The Format." Out came my Blackberry and after a quick search, I found this. If you don't want to go read it, here is the first line: "Fun is an indie pop band based in New York, New York that was formed by Nate Ruess, formerly of The Format." What. Is. Up. I am awesome.

As a result of this new info, I had what's called in the medical profession, a complete freak out. I have talked to you guys many, many times about my love for The Format. "Interventions & Lullabies" is in my top 5 favorite albums of all time. I happen to think it's nearly perfect. One of the biggest reasons I love the band is because the lead singer's voice is awesome. And here he was, performing live, and I didn't even know he would be there. Sharda asked if we thought they'd perform some Format stuff, but I didn't think so. Less than 5 minutes later, Nate (the singer) said, "Here's an old song." Then they played "The First Single" and I Completely. Lost. My Fucking. Mind. One of my biggest regrets is not ever getting to see The Format live, especially now that they are on hiatus (hold me), but I got to hear my favorite song performed live, and I almost cried. Then a little while later they played "She Doesn't Get It", and I died and went to heaven. Format, please come back. Please, please, please. I swear I will buy Fun's new album, but then just come back. I love you.

After Fun, we waited what seemed like a million hours for Jack's Mannequin to come out. Every time a roadie would come on stage the crowd would go nuts. Then it would immediately get quiet again. During one of these quiet times, Diane who was obviously drunk after several different flavors of ales yelled out, "JUST COME ON ALREADY! LET'S GO!!" It was so loud. And so amazing. And so embarassing. But seriously we are old. Stop making us stand longer than we have to. My back was for real hurting.

They finally came out. And as usual, they were amazing. If you are a JM or Something Corporate fan, do yourself a favor and go see Andrew McMahon perform live. He sounds amazing on his albums, but is approximately 1000 times better in person. He's like pure energy and passion up there, and he's effing fantastic. Also he's really funny.

He had a crazy mustache which gave him kind of a 70's porn star look. I'm not sure how I felt about it, but he did say this to a guy in the front row who had a mustache: "I grew this so you and I would have the same mustache." Awesome. As I mentioned, this place was really small and when it came time to do the encore he said, "This is normally the part of the show where we take a bow and leave the stage and pretend like we're not coming back and you guys are all like, "What assholes they didn't even play my favorite song." then you cheer really loud and we do this act where we come back on stage like, "Okay okay-we'll play a couple more. Since you asked." But tonight...well...frankly there's nowhere for us to go. So welcome to the encore!!" Cue "I'm Ready". Cue me peeing my pants. Cue them playing my favorite Something Corporate song ever that I have never heard played live. Cue more peeing. I almost punched Diane and Drew for talking during it.

As usual, we were about 10 years older than the average age of the crowd. There also seemed to be a lot of "bouncers" there. Not like bar bouncers-although there was a wicked hot one of those standing near us-but I mean like fans who literally jump up and down as high as they can during the song. It made me tired just watching them. The whole time I just wanted to say, "Okay you know what? You're at a 12. I need you at a 7 or 8. It is a Monday night."

Here are my scores for the night:

Venue: 5/10
Performance: 13/10
Overall hygiene of audience: 3/10 - Seriously is there a water shortage I don't know about? Or is soap too expensive these days? I will buy you kids soap if you will just promise to take a shower once in a while.

Andrew, never ever stop writing songs. Please. I heart you.

Pride

It's no secret that I don't really care about politics. I've made that abundantly clear. I'm also not someone who really waxes nostalgic about US history. And I love you guys, but I'm really not interested in hearing anyone's political views right now nor will I be talking about mine because frankly...SNOOZEFEST! But I'm finding it impossible to ignore the enormity of what's happened tonight. Like him or not, we just voted in the first black President.

The first black President of the United States!

After everything our forefathers and so many people after them have fought for to make this a place where all men are created equal, to have taken such a big step toward their vision and in our lifetime to boot, well it's seriously almost enough to make me cry.

This country is not even close to being perfect, and I know not everyone is happy right now. But please look at the bigger picture: we're all witnesses to something historic tonight. Something that is sure to change the landscape of politics-and US history-forever. How can you not love this country right now!?

Sorry to get all emotional and serious. I think that a lot of it stems from knowing I won't have to deal with all the ads and phone calls and interruptions to my shows anymore.

I'm gonna go light up a sparkler and put on some Lee Greenwood.

Rocking the Vote

Guys, I am literally posting this from the line to go vote. This is some serious on-the-scene in-the-action reporting here.

And what action it is. They are whisking us through at the rate of about 1 person per every 20 minutes. You can see the line moving forward...if you use a time-lapse camera. It doesn't help that my voting location is literally a small condo. It's the Homeownwer's Association office-a converted condo. And there are up to 3 whole voting booths in there.

Luckily we are all waiting outside because there's no room inside. But it's okay because it is roughly 40 degrees. My hair, which I did not do this morning and is wet, is now frozen into a Medusa-like crazy lady mess on top of my head, and the only reason my fingers aren't frozen is because I'm using them to type this.

Why all the bitching? Let's get to the heart of it:

I am easily one of the laziest, whiniest people this country has ever known, yet I am standing out here freezing my ass off and waiting in a line that will probably, from the looks of things, last for the next 6 hours all because today I get to vote for our new President. And I don't even care about politics. As such, you have no excuse for not getting off your bum and doing the same cuz seriously if I'm doing it, everyone should be.
Seriously it is fucking-A freezing out here. I might try to snuggle with the old guy in front of me. If you see me on the news getting arrested for assaulting a senior citizen at the polls, don't judge me for my Medusa hair.