Pass the salt...then light a match

Sorry for all the one-liners today, but seriously this gives a whole new meaning to "multi-tasking". A whole new awesome meaning. I can't believe John hasn't thought of this already.

My life has lost its meaning

Please read this. All my hopes and dreams just went up in smoke

Bitter

One good thing about not having cable or internet is nothing. Abso. Fucking. Lutely. Nothing.

Some random thoughts for today

I would like to say something to senior citizens who go to the movies. I think it's great that you guys are still going out and having fun-honestly. But if you go to see "Batman" and constantly have to ask questions like: Who's the good guy? (the one DRESSED AS A BAT) Who's the bad guy? (the one NOT dressed as a bat) What just happened? (he punched someone in the face) Why? (because he's bad) And then when the movie is over: What happened? and your husband has to explain THE ENTIRE MOVIE to you 5 seconds after it ended, perhaps you should consider going to the matinee showing or maybe just go home and watch "Matlock" because you don't have an inside voice and I can hear you yelling to your husband who's sitting 3 inches away from you and you probably don't even know who you are let alone who Batman is.

Have you ever seen yourself on a store security camera? It is horrifying. You totally think you have a handle on what you look like, and then you see yourself on one of those, and you're like, "Oh my God look at that sloth coming into the st--wait. That's me." Then you kill yourself because you are gross. Maybe that only happens to me.

Tom Cruise, you are not only an insane-o crazy clown of a human being, but you are also an asshole. Note: Googling "psychiatry" doesn't make you a psychiatrist.

Update on the condo

For a place that doesn't have cable, internet or a phone-it's effing awesome. Don't get me started on the phone company and the cable company because I will hurt this poor contractor guy sitting next to me, and it's not his fault. Although I might blame him anyways. All I will say about both of those companies is that this is bullshit. I'm pissed. I will be writing a nasty letter. Or blog. Either way it'll be very damaging. I mean not to their business or reputation or feelings or anything, but in like a "I just had to take time to read this letter which delayed my anal raping of other customers" kind of way.

I no longer have leaks. In fact, one wasn't even a leak at all, and the other is fixed. So that anonymous commenter who hates me can stop calling me Leaky-house Lady because a) it no longer applies and b) frankly it's the lamest nickname ever.

This weekend we went to my grandparents' houses to get furniture. I'm very fortunate to have all 4 still living and doing well, but they are downsizing and moving into retirement villages. Each of their houses has 80 years worth of stuff, and now they want to give it to us. So this leads me to the question...how do you say, "Thanks, Grandma, but I really don't want your paper mache vegetables" without hurting any feelings?

What 5 Things do you miss about your childhood?

I was totally tagged by Violet. I had a feeling she's wanted to tag me for a while now. I mean come on it was pretty obvious. Plus I overheard her say in reference to me "I'd like to tag that ass".

Whoa sorry, Violet. That whole paragraph up there was totally uncalled for. Okay let's get right down to it (my commentary is in red-don't copy this part of it):

Tagged by Violet at Forward Motion

But first the rules to this meme game:

Remove the blog at #1 from the following list and bump every one up one place; add your blog's name in the #5 spot; link to each of the other blogs for the desired cross pollination effect.

1. End Of The World
2. so anyway...
3. both hands
4. Forward Motion
5. Okay Seriously [most awesome blog ever]

Next: select new friends to add to the pollen count. (No one is obligated to participate). [I struggled with this. I wanted to tag everyone, but would that make me a slut? So I chose to go lesbian and tag some hot ladies.]

1. I probably hate you
2. Hells Bells
3. Life as an urban princess

Your turn:

1. Daily beatings
2. Becoming a child prostitute at age 4.
3. No presents on Christmas

Okay I better get serious before my mom starts to cry. For real this time...

1. Having the summers off
2. Going to the pool all day every day and never changing out of my bathing suit ever.
3. 4th of July at my grandparents' in Upper Arlington
4. Easter egg hunts in DeGraff
5. Vacations with my parents (I'm being serious about this. P.S. Car bingo rules)

I will punch this lady in the babymaker

Actual conversation between me and a lady who works in the department responsible for all of our purchasing and supplies:

Me: Hi! I need a quote on a laptop with a CD burner.

5 minutes of silence.

Lady: What do you need again?

Me: I need a quote on a laptop with a CD burner.

Lady: Oh I don't think we can get you a printer.

Me (confused): Oh...no...I don't need a printer. Just the laptop with a CD burner.

Lady: Oh you can order that through [Online Purchasing and Requisition System].

Me: Well I was told that since I need the burner that it's a non-standard purchase so I need a quote first so I can enter it into [Online Purchasing and Requisition System].

Lady: Maybe this is a non-standard purchase then.

Me: Um...right.

Lady: Okay well what kind of laptop do you have?

Me: Oh no I don't have a laptop. I need a laptop. With a burner.

Lady: What model do you have?

Me: No I don't have one yet. I need to order one. From you.

Lady: Is it a T40, T70 or a T80*?

Me: Seriously I don't have one. Please I just need a quote.

Lady: Okay well is it a Dell or an IBM?

My head explodes.

*Note to computer geeks: I made these model numbers up. They were something close to this, but I don't remember exactly so don't write to me about how "There's no such thing as a T40, loser!" because then we will know who the real loser is.

Looser

I have no idea what to say about Tom and Katie being engaged except.....hublahagheahdhgblahgbahhgblahgh. That's me vomiting. Tom's entire family is a cult, and Katie is the newest member. I wonder what the wedding will be like. The bride will be carried down the aisle by guys wearing loin cloths then everyone will dance and sing in a circle around her while she drinks the blood of a lamb. Then they'll cut the cake and playfully smush it on each other's faces because cult or not, some traditions just don't change.

I respected both of you, Katie and Tom, now I am respectfully laughing at you. Or disrespectfully laughing-whatever. That doesn't mean I won't go see your movies because a) Batman, seriously and b) Mission Impossible 3, seriously. But as far as socially, we can no longer see each other. It's not me, it's you.

To the anonymous commenter who left this comment on one of my posts from like a week ago:
"YOUR A LOOSER BUT YOUR BLOG IS PRETTY COOL.AND YOU HAVE A LAME LIFEW."

You know what else is lame? An education. That is, if you have the final say on what is lame. I want to be mad at you, but you called me a "looser" so I really just want to give you a noogie and call you a rascal. Dumbass.

I am alive

Oh my God, you guys-moving sucks. I'm sorry I have been away the past few days, but I have been busy packing and moving. Also I didn't have an internet connection. After suffering severe blogging withdrawal symptoms, I decided I had to find a way to post something so here I am. Let me recap the past few days for you. I shall do so through a series of letters.

Dear Irene Cara,
I am so happy you won "Hit Me Baby One More Time". Too bad I FUCKING MISSED IT!!!! Goddammit! I was too busy packing, and we had to unhook my TV to get it all ready for the movers on Friday, and just--I don't even want to talk about it. I am so upset. I hope you know I was with you in spirit even though I couldn't physically be there. And by "physically be there" I mean sitting on my couch watching you through a satellite feed.

Dear Internet,
I am hoping they will rerun this last episode like they did the first two. If that happens, you can expect a recap at that time. I'm sorry I let you down.

Dear movers (Joey, Frank and Greg),
Thanks for moving my furniture and not breaking anything. You guys rule and quite possibly have the worst job ever known to man. Frankie, cut your hair.

Dear friends,
Thank you so much for helping me move the rest of my stuff. You are all amazing, and I love you very much. I had so much fun eating pizza and making fun of John's vasectomy with you.
Sidenote to Gerbs: Thanks for showing up right in time for the pizza then putting away my DVDs and taking off. Your generosity knows no bounds.
Sidenote to Matt and Jace: Any CDs you guys stole, I want them back immediately, or I will press charges.

Dear Mom and Dad,
Thanks so much for everything you have done for me the past few weeks/months. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it. You are amazing.

Dear new potential neighbor,
I didn't know that guys who are that hot actually exist in real life. Please for the love of God move in by me, and let us start the greatest love affair of all time. Or at least let's make out.

Dear God,
Seriously let that guy move in by me, and help a sista out.

Dear friends again,
I hope you all can understand that moving is stressful, and that after all of that stress a girl needs to have a few drinks. I realize that I had enough drinks for 4 full grown adults, but I was celebrating 4 different special events: 1. Kim's birthday, 2. My new condo, 3. Steph's new car, 4. John getting his nizzies whacked. The high points of Saturday night were very high, but the low points were very, very low (giving Jace zerberts in the middle of the dance floor, lifting up Jace's shirt...really all the low points involved Jace--sorry, Jacie. I hope this won't make things awkward for when you marry my mom.).

Dear Dad,
Happy Father's Day, Daddy. You are the best dad in the whole world. Thanks for doing all the "Dad" stuff and always making sure I am safe and sound even when I'm not living with you. The only way I can truly express how I feel about you is by giving you this Portable Powerpack. I love you!

Dear anonymous commenter who wrote this,
"How, I wonder, do people such as you (seem to be from the things you write) even have, get or borrow the resources needed for a "new house"? You've got a new house and you (reportedly) do what you describe here—"Diane, sorry you had to drive Drew and my drunk asses home Saturday night, and sorry we were singing Christmas carols out the windows at people on the street." ?"
1 - Eff you.
2 - Prostitution.

Get real

I have tons of packing to do before my friends come over and help me move on Saturday so of course I'm watching TV. Sometimes I watch this show called "The 4400" on the USA Network. It's a pretty good show, but after watching part of tonight's episode, I must tell you that I take issue with some of the writing. Here's why:

Scene: A woman and a little girl are sitting at the breakfast table each reading different parts of a newspaper.

The little girl giggles.

Woman: What are you laughing at?
Little Girl: Marmaduke.

Okay, come on. How do you expect me to suspend reality enough to believe that somebody laughed at Marmaduke? 4400 people abducted by UFOs throughout history and returned on the same day? No problem-it could happen. The abductees now have special powers that allow them to read minds, heal the sick, etc.? Absolutely. Hey-you can't come back from a UFO unchanged. But somebody actually thinking Marmaduke is funny? Now you're pushing it, USA Network. Let's try to keep ourselves a little grounded in reality here and stick to storylines like the one where that guy broke all those windows with his mind.

On a sidenote, wouldn't it be sweet if you could break stuff with your mind? Sometimes when I have road rage I pretend I have this power and try to will the windshield of "the offender's" car to crack right down the middle. That way I'm not wishing for anything to happen that could actually hurt the driver but rather just cost him or her like $100 and a headache. It's a win-win really.