So...what's up?

Whoa-jury duty was rough.  Especially when Alec Baldwin tried to kill me and my son, and we had to go into hiding for a month with no computers or wi-fi or cell phones or Internet cafes.  Oh who am I kidding.  I can't lie to you guys.  You'd never believe I knew what an Internet cafe was.  So I owe you an explanation for my absence, but nobody wants to hear the boring truth which is that I've been in almost constant pain from my migraines for the past month.  So please come up with a much more exciting reason and pretend it's that.  It's way less of a bummer.

I'm back now, and I owe you big time so I promise you 2 things:

1.  Tomorrow I am going to attempt to post something every hour on the hour.  Yeah.  I said it.  And when I say every hour on the hour I mean from like 9am to the end of the workday.  Or bedtime.  Or whenever I run out of things to say.

2.  I'll be Jay Leno-ing this bitch and discussing outdated world events.  Hope you're still excited about Osama!

In the meantime, just to give you an overall idea of what I've been up to:

BAM!  NSFW!  Steph and I drew these at a wine bar while Matt looked on horrified and by "looked on horrified" I mean "told us we were doing it wrong".  Sorry, Mom and Dad.

The Rural Juror*

Tomorrow I begin jury duty.  I have never been called for jury duty before so I'm not exactly sure what to expect.  To prepare, I watched "The Juror" starring Demi Moore and Alec Baldwin.  Here is the plot summary:

"When Annie Laird is selected as a juror in a big Mafia trial, she is forced by someone known as "The Teacher" to persuade the other jurors to vote "not guilty". He threatens to kill her son if she doesn't commit. When the trial is over, he can't let her go..."

I'm fairly sure this is how it will be for me.  So now I will watch "The Sopranos" to figure out how to deal with the mob.  Just kidding, I'm going to watch "Corky Romano".  No not really-I will not put myself through that.  Again. 

Actually let me just put this out there for any Mafia enforcers thinking of using me as the person to convince a jury of something:  I will make an absolute nightmare juror.  I can't even make a decision about where to go to lunch without it turning into the most trying ordeal anyone around me has ever experienced.  If someone says, "Where do you want to go eat?", I just shut down.  I will not decide.  John, unfortunately, has taken the brunt of this indecisiveness so when I told him I pulled jury duty, he had some comments:

"Being on a jury with you would mean me facing a jury shortly after."

"If you make it on a jury it will end up being a hung jury...because everyone else will hang themselves while you decide."
Things I am wondering:
1.  Will there be a lawyer there that looks like Matthew McConaughey?
2.  What if the judge tells me to dismiss something I just heard?  How can I do that?  I can't unhear something.  Like I can't unhear the Daughtry remake of "Photograph".  It's in there.
3.  Will I get a chance to say, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"?

4.  Can I use this technique to get out of jury duty?

*Tell me you watch "30 Rock".

Words of the day

supermassive black hole - noun - the largest type of black hole, formed when two or more galaxies collide.

Example 1: At the center of the milky way sits a supermassive black hole.
Example 2: The song "Supermassive Black Hole" by Muse kicks serious ass.


superboyband - noun - the largest type of boy band, formed when two or more amazing boy bands, picked directly out of Sarah's dreams, collide.

Example 1: The New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys have come together to form a superboyband called NKOTBSB.
Example 2: I am so excited to see the superboyband, NKOTBSB, on tour and to hear their new album (!) that I think I need a change of underwear.

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Sometimes the blog writes itself

Today we have what is essentially a guest blogger because I am just copying and pasting an email Steph sent us on Thursday.  The set up:  Steph and Meg babysat my nephew Trevor Wednesday night.  Thursday morning we all received this email:

So last night, the Babysitter’s Club volunteered to watch Trevor. When Drew and Diane came home before 11, admittedly, the babysitters were both asleep on the couches. Hey, Steph and Meg aren’t as young and fun and full of energy as we were when we were young…which it seems Trev had a problem with. I was looking at my cell phone today and it appears when we fell asleep, Trev had quite a wild night. I swung by daycare on my way to the office to ask him about it this morning and this is what he told me.

He said he had to escape the constant supervision of his ever so serious and responsible and appropriate and amazing babysitters and snuck out of the house to have a night on the town. He decided to start the night with a Peep show, but somehow found himself pulled up on the stage.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

“Hey, what do you expect to happen when you are a chick magnet?”
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

The chicks were sweet and he admittedly drooled over them…

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


 
 
Then Trevor met some Playboy bunnies and they gifted him an official set of bunny ears.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

He got a little drunk off the attention from the lovely ladies…

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

But, like all girls, these ladies want a commitment and Trev had to tell them no way and find his escape route…

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

He retreated to a guys night to hang out with his “dawg” (as Randy Jackson would say).

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


Hey, don’t hate the player, hate the game…
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


For those other parents reading this…Meg and I are open for business. Our rates are incredibly reasonable…we don’t charge anything, but we will eat your junk food, call boys, and pass out on your couch…but your baby will have a great time!

Things/People that have fallen the past week

1.  Butler University

2.  Kirstie Alley and Maksim Longname

3.  Southwest Flight 812 (20,000 feet in the sky)

4.  Not gas prices

5.  Me

Yes it's true-fucking UConn won the tournament.  Oh and I fell this weekend.  I know everyone is surprised as I am usually the very picture of grace and poise.  Let me describe the events as they happened:

Saturday evening, 6:30pm:  I clamp my 450 degree flat iron down on my left forearm

Saturday night, 12:30am: An almost full bottle of wine tips over in my fridge, the top pops out, wine spills all over the bottom of my fridge and into a huge puddle on my kitchen floor.  It's my favorite wine. 

Sunday evening, 5:30:00pm:  I walk into my house, my arms filled to the max with stuff including an 18 roll pack of toilet paper (it should last me a couple days).  My ankle gives out and in slow motion I begin my long descent onto my ass but not before realizing that I'm also falling onto my wooden laundry drying rack which is full of clean clothes.

Sunday evening, 5:30:15pm:  I'm on the floor looking around for witnesses which makes sense since I was in my house and I live alone.  My knee is throbbing, my arm is screaming.  I realize with horror that I have squeezed the Charmin.  The laundry rack...is no more.  We did battle.  It lost.  Goodbye, sweet laundry rack that I've had since I was a freshman in college.

Sunday evening, 5:35pm:  I realize the reason my arm literally feels like someone is sandpapering an open nerve is that I landed on my horrible, most likely 2nd degree burn (I'm not exaggerating) from the day before and all the burnt skin has been ripped off my arm.

Monday morning, 8am:  I wake up unable to move because my back is spasming so bad.  I work from home.  I ice my knee.  I take muscle relaxers.  They are awesome.

Monday afternoon, 3:30pm:  I watch "Raiders of the Lost Ark".  I silently thank whoever made the "creative" decision to have Harrison Ford's shirt unbuttoned for 80% of the movie.

Present day:  You are wondering why I included the bit about the wine spilling since it had nothing to do with me falling or my injuries.  It's just that I am still mad about it.

Seriously, though, how fucking expensive is gas right now.  I'll punch someone.  Once I can move.  And my epidermis is intact.

Letters for March 30th, 2011

Dear weather,
This is total bullshit.  It's March 30th.  I was already mad when I heard about the "light dusting" of snow we were supposed to get today.  Then I left work in a white-out and drove home in a blizzard.  At least it only took me over an hour to get home.  CAN YOU FEEL THE SARCASM??  I am a pretty patient person when it comes to Cleveland weather, but let's get a move on with the warm temperatures, please!  I don't even need 60 degrees.  But can we at least get out of the 30's?  For the love of God.  I'm starting to lose it.  I for real was yelling at the sky-out loud-walking into work on Monday.  Please get warmer before someone locks me up.

Dear insomnia,
Please see my first comment to "weather".

Dear Dan Gilbert,
It's really awesome that the Cavs beat the Heat last night, but you jinxed us with your hastily put together "we're going to win everything" open letter to the Internet last year.  Please get your shit together.

Dear friends,
Sorry that at 34 I still steer dinner conversations toward poop talk.  I'm sure you all expected at this age to go out to dinner and have some adult conversation, but you forgot one thing:  You are friends with me.  At least we used the classy and made up euphemism, "delivering a food baby" which, by the way, is how I'll be referring to it from now on.  P.S. I am not really sorry about this.  In fact, it was one of the highlights of the night, and I almost peed my pants laughing at that conversation.

Dear March Madness brackets,
I don't even know where to begin.  You...well the only word I can think of to describe what happened is, imploded.  You imploded.  I barely have words for the massacre that took place within your walls.  Of course I'm trying.  I'm working on my poem, but so many teams were involved in my ass beating this year that I'm not even sure where to start. 

Dear ass,
Sorry about your severe and brutal beating at the hands of pretty much every single NCAA men's basketball team this year.  P.S. Why are you so big?  Can part of you take a permanent vacation to someone else's body?  How about Chris Brown?  He is just one big giant ass so you will probably feel at home there.  Have fun.  Don't write. [Insert weird mental image of my ass writing me a postcard with a picture of Chris Brown on the front here.]

Insert Charlie Sheen joke here

Hey does anyone know if anything horrible is happening in the world?  I haven't had my fill of depressing news the past couple of weeks.  Seriously between Japan (please, please, please donate anything you can possibly spare to help them) and Charlie Sheen which at first was hilarious then turned uncomfortable then really sad when we all realized his kids were still living with him, I could really use a drink or 10.  Thank God St. Patrick's Day is only 2 days away.  I really need to be able to bury my head in the sand and drink away all the pain happening in the world and wear glitter shamrocks and drink midori sours and be considered festive rather than a weirdo like usual.  Note: midori sours are awesome.

Other things I can use to distract me:

Wine party at Meg's house - Saturday we're going to Meg's to drink wine because she basically buys wine by the gross and then realizes she needs to have people over to drink it.  I am totally fine with this habit of hers.  This is exactly how we were all invited via text message:  "Wine, meatloaf, chix noodle on news party.  Meg's place.  March 19 @ 7pm."  Some explanation: Our friend Chicken Noodle (yes) was on the news (yes). 

Tax return - Seriously I better get a tax return this year.  I need it to fund my campaign to stop the remake of "Short Circuit" from happening. Because what. the. fuck. That's not even the right story.  A little kid from a broken family?  Um hello-ET already did it.  And better.  Plus-no offensive Indian stereotype?  No Ally Sheedy?  No GUTTENBERG!?  Go to hell, Hollywood!  And so help me God if some young girl with a symbol in her name or a young guy with girl hair takes a break from filming their Disney or Nickelodeon show to remake El Debarge's "Who's Johnny", I...I don't even...someone will die.  I mean that's the only logical conclusion.  Someone will have to die.

March Madness - This is it, you guys. This is my year. I am going to win the whole damn thing. Then I will write a poem about how awesome I am as opposed to how angry I am. I will probably still talk about hookers and taking it up the butt, though. I want my parents to be proud of me.

And lastly...

Greatest email ever?

Greatest email ever.

I'm getting you this for your birthday

You guys, this would look so good with your all denim outfit. 

Liveblogging the Oscars

So I actually decided to watch the Oscars tonight.  Lately I've been trying to avoid them, but I like a few of the films I've seen, and there are a lot of other ones I want to see.  Also I haven't had enough of James Franco lately.  Let's get started:

This intro is hilarious. Alec Baldwin rules everything. You guys watch "30 Rock", right? You do. Also Morgan Freeman just introduced James Franco as "the star of General Hospital". Classic.


I love Anne Hathaway.  She's so likeable, and in my heart she will always be Mia from The Princess Diaries. Pretty dress, Anne!

Art direction blah blah blah. Bo-ring!

Kirk Douglas is still charming and feisty. I love it. Hey is Michael Douglas okay? Wasn't he sick? Melissa Leo just dropped the f-bomb. Awesome. Also she guest starred on an episode of "Veronica Mars" once where she played a transgendered man. I've decided I like her.

Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis…what is happening. Do they have bad timing together or is this just supposed to be unfunny? If that's the case, mission accomplished.

Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem-matching tuxes. Cute. Holy crap can you imagine having dinner with Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz? You would have no fucking idea what anyone was saying the entire time.

Professional screenwriters should give all awards speeches.

Is anyone really surprised to see James Franco in a dress? I mean come on. Let's get real.

I cannot believe they are remaking Arthur. Also…I really want to hate Russell Brand, but goddammit he's kind of charming, right? Have you seen him on a talk show? He's, like, lovable. Dammit, Russell Brand. Damn you.

I have to say, I'm enjoying the fancy ponytails tonight on Anne and Reese. How can I do that with my hair?

I am very sad that Geoffrey Rush didn't win Best Supporting Actor because he was amazing. I swear to God if Colin Firth doesn't win for Best Actor, I will riot. It just doesn't get any better.

Uh oh, Anne, weird dress and hair alert. You look like a bird.

Okay this movie soundtrack montage is my favorite thing ever. I don't know if you guys know this about me, but I am a total movie soundtrack nerd. I love orchestra music and I love movies and I LOOOVE movie soundtracks. Listening to movie soundtracks is an Okay Seriously family past time. Also ET happens to be one of my favorite movie scores of all time. I am geeking out here.

Hey when is Matthew McConaughey going to be in a new movie? I need to see him with his shirt off.

I will say this, make up artists amaze me. How do they do it? Cate Blanchett made me laugh when she said, "That's gross" after the scenes from The Wolfman because I was literally thinking the same thing. Ah I see Rick Baker is still rocking the old man ponytail. Classy! Is Rick Baker purporting to be straight? Because…huh?

Okay favorite song from a movie? It is impossible for me to pick one. I have been sitting here for 15 minutes, paralyzed, trying to think of just one. It cannot be done so I am going to let myself off the hook. But please feel free to tell me yours.

Um…Chuck's going to sing with Mandy Moore? What? Whoa…he's good! Seriously…what is happening?

Jake Gyllenhaal wants me to see more short films. How the hell do you even go see a short film? I'm for real asking. Holy shit I finished typing that, and two seconds later afro guy who won for Best Live Action Short Film told me I could watch short films on iTunes. Get out of my mind, Afro Short Man!

James Franco, I'm trying to decide if you're funny or awkward.

Oy-a huge misstep with this autotune musical montage. Except for Taylor Lautner's abs.

Oprah! Somewhere Steph is freaking out right now. They are BFFs (in her mind). She is also Mind BFFs with Andy Cohen. Holy boobs, Oprah. Fabulous! If I met Oprah in person she would definitely think I was an ass. Why aren't the documentary people more excited to meet her? This is how I feel when I show people a picture of my nephew, and they don't react with enough enthusiasm for how cute he is. I get annoyed. Sidenote: He is the cutest ever. Another sidenote: You guys know I'm not political, but FOR FUCKING REAL. Why aren't any financial executives rotting in jail right now?!? Okay enough of that. I want to meet Oprah. And my nephew is so cute they had to make a new scale to measure cuteness.

Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. have great chemistry. Should I see the Sherlock Holmes movie?

Okay the editors for The Social Network just hugged before they did their speech. That was super cute. Does David Fincher ever smile?

I don't love any of the songs nominated so I really don't care what wins. I think I'll vote for the one from Tangled because I love Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi. Or Randy Newman. Whatever. I don't care. Wait he's only won 2 times? That is shocking. He's for real nominated every year. I'm loving his speech. He's like, "I'm quirky and old, and I will say whatever I want."

Oh God the "In Memoriam" section. Leslie Nielsen! How much do you love Leslie Nielsen? Kobayashi from Usual Suspects! Lynn Redgrave! Jill Clayburgh? She died? Sad! Dennis Hopper! Um…no Corey Haim? Fuck you, Academy. Also did I miss Rue McClanahan because that is seriously messed up if they left her off.

Anne's blue shiny dress is not good.

Remember when Hilary Swank was on "90210"? She has 2 Oscars now. Just reminding everyone.

Annette Bening's hair is getting more insane every year. She is now 7 inches taller than she was 10 years ago.

Jeff Bridges! My eternal older man crush. No judging please. He is delicious. So there was no question Natalie Portman was going to win Best Actress, right? I mean I wrote this before they even announced the winner. I haven't seen Black Swan nor do I plan to, but I love Natalie Portman, and she's really good so I'm completely fine with this.

I couldn't love Sandra Bullock more. Literally. I need Jesse Eisenberg to laugh at her jokes. She's funny and delightful, Jesse! Okay SERIOUSLY. Colin Firth better win this. I will lose it if he doesn't. YESSSS!! You guys, I'm telling you. This is ridiculously well deserved. Go see this movie if you haven't already. I love you, Colin Firth.

Oh my. Anne's last dress is a nightmare.

Steven Spielberg! Jurassic Park theme song! I'm just saying.

Wow. I loved The King's Speech, but I'm actually surprised it won. I thought for sure The Social Network would win it. Yay! I think the last time I saw the winning picture was Titanic. I only saw that one 3 times in the theater. Didn't we all? Just admit it. Okay I just looked it up, and I saw The Departed which won in 2006 (fucking awesome movie) and The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (fucking awesome movie).

These singing kids are cute. I'm almost positive these are the same kids who sang at the lighting of the White House Christmas tree.  That fun fact is brought to you courtesy of HGTV.  I love you, HGTV!

In summation: I'm pretty sure James Franco was high tonight.

My first attempt at using the Blogger app for Droid

Dear 100 year old man driving (swerving) in front of me last night,

I already assumed you shouldn't be driving (swerving) when I saw your old man hat and your handicapped sticker. But then you sealed it for me when, in a fit of confusion, you just stopped your car in the middle of an intersection. I was not surprised when I passed you and you had an oxygen mask on. I tried to get your attention to see if you needed help, but you didn't see me. I think the best way for me to help would be if I TOOK YOUR LICENSE AWAY FOREVER. Seriously, it's over. I'm sure you're a lovely man whose family would very much like you alive and/or not in jail for vehicular manslaughter. Also I do like that hat. It is so grandpa-y.

Love,
Sarah

Note: If this app works, expect mini posting to be my new thing.

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