Monday, June 26, 2006

It's a magical mystery tour

Saturday night at Steph's urging we went on the Mystery Barhopper Bus Tour. Essentially what it entails is you meet at a secret location (a Cleveland bar) that isn't disclosed until the day before you leave. You have 2 hours of free drinks and appetizers there, and then they drive you around in buses to several different "mystery" bars. At each bar you get complimentary appetizers. You also get free party beads - green if you're single, red if you're not.

Sounds fun, right? And it was. Sort of.

When we got to the "mystery" location immediately we were bombarded by people promoting something called Avail 4. The way the guy introduced it to us was, "It's a reality dating show." All of us were freaking out. "We get to be on TV!?!?" "Um....not exactly," he said. Then he handed us informational cards. This is the first line on the card:

"Avail 4 is a new concept play opening at Playhouse Square in September."

Concept play? No thanks. I guess what happens is they have actors onstage doing a satirical monologue about dating. Throughout the monologue they pick people out of the audience (who have been pre-selected) to essentially read their own personal ad. Seriously. This is what it says, "Avail 4 allows you to be the star of your own 60-second play by writing and performing your "personals" ad during the show." WTF?? Obviously I kept the informational card so I could blog about it.

Danielle got sucked into a conversation with the crazy producer lady which was fantastic. At one point, I heard the lady say (I'm not sure in reference to what), "It's not like that. It IS that." Honestly it doesn't matter what she was talking about. It's obvious it was annoying.

The festivities started at 5, and we were very close to being the first people there. But hey-it's drinking and eating, and that's what we do best. As the crowd started to pour in, we noticed that the average age was a bit...higher than we had anticipated. For some reason we thought we'd be the oldest ones there. Drinking bus tour-21 year old's dream, right? Apparently not as we were pretty much the babies of the night.

Then it was time for free drinks and appetizers. In our case this meant free Genesse beer and hot dogs. Seriously. Since I'm not a beer drinker this didn't help me at all. So I knew I would be spending a ton of money all night. We got there at 5. By 6 we were completely hammered. It was then we started noticing no one was talking to us. I'm not saying the two events are related, but Steph did make everyone do a shot called a cum shot and it was only like 5:30.

By about 6 they ran out of beads which makes a lot of sense since in order to go on this thing you had to pre-register so they knew exactly how many people were coming. By 6:30 I made awesome friends in the bathroom. By 7 we were using my Avail 4 informational card to write down stuff we wanted to put on the blog.

The first part of the tour was awesome as we went to a couple of downtown bars that I really like a lot. Plus we were on buses. I mean come on-that's awesome. After the second awesome bar, we got on the bus, got on the highway and started heading west. We were on the bus for a long, long, long time. Everyone was wondering where the hell we were going. Then we pulled into a place called Alexander's. It's in North Olmsted. Those of you not from Cleveland won't understand what that means, but essentially they took us 35 minutes or so out of the city into a suburb and to a restaurant. It would be like going to TGIFriday's on an effing bar tour. Not only that, we were roughly 5 minutes from where Danielle and Sharda lived. Danielle, who was completely sober except not, was asking the bus driver to just drop her off at home. As a joke she said, "We should go to Razzle's next." Razzle's is this little semi-crappy bar right by her house that has sand volleyball courts. It is small, and she had just been there the night before. Guess where we went next. Oh yeah-Razzle's. I cannot tell you how inappropriate it was that this bar was on a city bar crawl. Especially one that touts "You are guaranteed to see the best patios in Cleveland!" First of all it is way outside of Cleveland. Second of all it's a dive bar. Third of all it's called Razzle's. Danielle was so pissed. I was laughing so hard I actually had to cross my legs to keep from peeing my pants.

After that, we were all ready to head home. We were done with the bar crawl. Most of us had been hit on by some creepies, we had been drunk for well over 5 hours at that point, and we were tired. Plus every bar had run out of appetizers as if they had no idea 200 people were coming. Again I point to the pre-registering.

All in all it was pretty fun-honestly-but I don't think I would do it again. To the guy who was mean to my sister and my friends on the bus ride home: maybe a few less Big Macs and a little more punching of your esophagus would do you a little good, you POS.

I mentioned above that I had kept that information card to write stuff down that we all wanted to put on the blog. As predicted, it started off making sense and when I read it now, what I'm actually able to decipher is a disaster. I almost don't want to show these to you because they are so embarassing, but at the very least it will serve as a warning to all of you to keep your drinking under control. So with that, I present to you "Things we wrote down on the Avail 4 information card with some explanation where I can provide it":

- Kim: "If only it really tasted like that." After the cum shot.
- Me and Loyd touched tongues
- I made friends in the bathroom
- Sharda undress Diane (I'm only 75% positive the word I wrote down is "undress")
- Steph motorboated my chest
- Hayden kissed eye
- Sharda pulled Danielle's pants down
- Matt touched boobs
- Milhouse and me are married
- Bartender partied with us
- Danielle and Loyd had sex at Thirsty Parrot
- Danielle: "I need T-Bell"
- Steph: "Diane made me wet." I actually do know what this is about. Diane spilled her drink all over Steph, and that is what Steph screamed
- Kim: "I just lost my mind."
- Me: "I need to change my diaper. I made boom boom."
- "Drink my appetizer." Since they ran out of appetizers everywhere we went, Danielle and I were calling my cranberry and vodkas appetizers.
- Sharda punched Diane

After writing all of these, I realized a couple of things. 1 - that I only recall about 4 of them actually happening and 2 - my girlfriends and I might be lesbians. So basically I'm not drinking for a long time (3 hours) because this is absolutely ridiculous.


Matt said...

I touched boobs?

Mon said...

so this cost money or is it a free service? I'm guessing you had to pay to see some crappy bars. It was a good story anyways, so not a total loss!

sharda said...

Wow, apparently I got a lot of girl action this weekend.

danielle said...

it's a good thing you wrote this stuff down because it all means a lot to me right now. so yeah. none of it does. what i do remember: sleeping on paul's head and being bitchy to the hor that organized the razzles fiasco.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Genny beer and hot dogs? Sorry, but you can keep you high-falootin social outings.

StrangerDanger said...

oh you hors better stop dissing Razzles...they pour drinks for you like you're facing a firing squad. And yeah it stinks in there. And yeah the locals are scary...Deliverance-scary. But they have popcorn. And beach volleyball courts. And Cheesy Waffle Fries to die for (literally).

Sassy Blondie said...

Damn! I need some better biotches have more fun than anyone should!
I'll toast one to y'all at the next bar gathering I attend...

Another Matt, one who did not touch boobs said...

I'll 2nd the Razzle cheesy fry comment - only reason to set foot in that place. (The volleyball courts are OK if you like sand - F that, makes your feet dirty)

Johnny Virgil said...

Sadly, I've been to Razzles. It smells like feet. They never take me out anywhere good when I'm in town.

tom said...

wow... that sounds truly insane. i'll have to do that next time i'm in town. why don't they do crap like this in cbus?