Tuesday, June 13, 2006

How about a Vegas recap?

The cab driver that drove us to our hotel told me he could tell that I was trouble, and then I'm pretty sure he asked me to come over to his house. Then we went to get lunch and got totally pumped up by the rockin' sounds of "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter and "Beautiful" by James Blunt. Hey-if you ever want to get yourself ready for some sun and fun, those are the songs that will put you in the mood. I mean if you plan to kill yourself afterward. All day Thursday we sent Steph text messages and pictures of what we were doing. One may have been of my cleavage. And I may have received one of her cleavage back. We hung out at the pool. Danielle and I sang some England Dan and John Ford Coley. Meg and Kim wore big floppy hats. It was good. Oh also we all climbed into a giant bathtub together and took a picture and sent it to all our friends.

We got up (early) and went to the pool to lay out. The pool was awesome because there weren't that many people there so we didn't have to fight for chairs. I hate fighting for chairs. I'm all like, "Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?" Then people are like, "What? You're not Wayne Brady." And it's awkward. So not having to fight for a chair was great. Drinking daiquiris in a pool might be the greatest invention ever. So I did plenty of that, and the bartender got to know us pretty quick. A couple hours later I was nice and crispy so they covered me in bbq sauce and served me with some fries and coleslaw. Then we gambled. And drank. A lot. We played penny slots, and the cocktail waitress wouldn't stop bringing us drinks. She brought us round one, and literally 5 seconds later came back and said, "You guys ready for another round?" We hadn't even begun drinking our first one. So obviously we said yes. This continued for a while, and I would say that we were drunk about a half hour later. Then we went to dinner and made asses of ourselves. Then we went back to the hotel to wait for Jen to arrive. We had a dance party, and by we I mean everyone else but me because I was laying on the bed trying not to puke. It was 9pm. Who am I-Sharda? Danielle was drinking beer in a glass with ice. Then when Jen got there we left and went out and drank and gambled and drank and kept drinking.

Pool again. At this point, I was burnt everywhere so I stayed in the shade and read "The DaVinci Code". Oh the other thing I did was try to block out the 750 little kids who suddenly showed up all at the same time. Listen-I love kids. I want some. But I am in Vegas, people. VEGAS. Why did your bring your kids here!? Go to DisneyWorld!! I tried not to be cranky about it and failed miserably-mostly because the bar wasn't open yet. Luckily Meg couldn't take it anymore either so she went into the hotel store and bought us bottles of alcohol. God love ya, Meg. That took the edge off.

Once the kids were gone, it was peaceful...for about 14 seconds. Then Loud Girl showed up. You all know who Loud Girl is. She yells everything she says hoping someone will engage her in conversation. She was horrible. For you men who have sisters and women who have brothers, let me ask you something. You know how when you're hanging out with your brother/sister and you're in the pool together and, ladies, you jump on your brother's back and ride him all around the pool and then you guys do joint somersaults together and wrestle and tickle each other and lay all over each other? Oh you don't do that past the age of 7? Maybe because you're normal and know the appropriate boundaries between siblings. Loud Girl and her brother apparently don't share your sense of appropriateness. And it was creepy. Not only did she have a brother/boyfriend, but she was also...how do I say this nicely? Um...she was fucking dumb. Here are some examples of things we actually heard come out of her mouth. Keep in mind this is at about 1000 decibels and is echoing around the complex:

- Yelling to her brother: "You want to go smoke some pot?" Giggles and then "whispers": "Whoops I mean do you want to go to the car and smoke some weed?"
- Yelling to her brother and then, unfortunately, to us: "You don't understand what it's like to be a girl!!! You have to pack swimsuits and makeup and pool makeup and brushes and you have like 12 different kinds of brushes like a big round brush and a small round brush and a flat brush and makeup brushes and blah blah blah squawk squawk." At this point she turned to us: "I bet if I asked these girls they would all agree with me!! Don't we have to pack so much, ladies? Boys don't even know!" I stopped listening and pretended like I wasn't there hoping she would stop talking. She didn't. For a good 5 minutes she continued naming things she packed in her suitcase. Then I took my own life.
- In response to Hairy Guy (guy there on business with ample amounts of back hair) who had just said a long-winded, extremely intelligent statement about the war in Iraq: "For sure!!"
- In response to Hairy Guy after he said something intelligent about using electricity to run hybrid cars: "Yeah but then won't we use up all the electricity?"

Saturday night we went to dinner at the oldest restaurant in Nevada, Batista's. It's this little Italian place where they give you all you can drink free wine. ALL YOU CAN DRINK FREE WINE. Find me something bad about that phrase. You can't because it's perfect. Plus this restaurant had a little old man with an accordian, and he played us a Frank Yankovic song since he was the polka king of America and was from Cleveland. We argued with Danielle about the subtle differences between a nerd and a dork. Then Sharda helped our case by being a nerd and embarassing us by asking our waiter for historical information about the restaurant. Actually we ended up being glad she did because it was interesting. Frank Sinatra used to go there and sit in the same booth we did. Basically what I'm saying is that we are famous. If you go to Vegas, you should to go Batista's. It's amazing.

The rest of the night included a lot of drinking and gambling and me losing money. We went to breakfast at 3am. Diane did jumping jacks in the restaurant. I had pancakes with a side of cranberry and Absolut. We got back to the room at 4am, and I did not want to go to bed. I was ready to go. Since everyone else was going to sleep, I had to take things into my own hands. So I got out my cell phone and played my "S.O.S." ringer and had my own little dance party. The girls yelled at me to shut the hell up, but really I think they enjoyed the show.

Other things happened, but I can't remember all of them. It's all a little blurry to me. I know we watched "Knight Rider", "A Different World" and some show about a lady with a 200 pound tumor. All normal Vegas activities. Ladies, if I'm forgetting anything please let me know.

So...when are we going back?


Anonymous said...

Seriously, when i read "and then Loud Girl showed up," I instantly thought, oh Diane joined you guys, where was she...(relax D, you know I'm sour grapes on this trip cause I was stuck with boys...).

Amazing! You forgot that Meg kept humping things, you sent me a text message that said she had sex with a ticket redemption machine. That's pretty big, I mean, if I got action, I'd want you to tell the world. Meg deserves the same courtesy. -Steph

Sarah said...

Wait-Meg humped a ticket redemption machine!? What? Where was I?

Diane said...

You are the one that sent the text message to Steph. Whenever Meg talked about anything, you pretty much said she was humping whatever she was talking about. It was awesome!

you forgot to mention that New Edition were guest stars on Knight Rider.

Sarah said...

Um...I just found the text message. This is exactly what it says:

"Meg has sex wit h tibket redemptin"


russ said...

Girls. They wanna have fuh-un.

Anonymous said...

I actually asked Gordo when I got that text if Tibket Redemptin was someone famous, like a rapper or something. I was really excited for Meg. Once Diane told me what is really was, I called Meg and expressed my disappointment that she wasn't humping a rapper. She said "I was horney, what do you expect, the ticket redemption machine was available." Even though it's Vegas, can't all have celebrity hook-ups I guess.

Awesome. And so inappropriate on both your parts. -Steph

Marianne said...

Please come to Philly so myself and all of your fans here (Brenda, Jason, Matt, Kristin feel free to chime in with support) can take you to not one but two places with free all you can drink margaritas.

It's worth the 7 hour car ride.

Mon said...

What the frick? Does everyone give away liquer but Ohio? Best I have found is $1 beers on ladies night! I think this is cus they breed better drinkers up hurrrr!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the Vegas recap! I love the Wayne Brady line. I need to use that.