Tuesday, June 20, 2006

My hand hurts

Pop quiz time. Tonight I spent 3 hours of my life doing what:

A. Drinking wine
B. Watching "The Office" which is saved on my DVR
C. Reading "The DaVinci Code"
D. Lint-brushing, vacuuming and steam cleaning a futon mattress

And the answer is…..D. I put A-C to trick you but, sadly, D is the correct answer. I will tell you why I was doing it later, but I'll just say it was for Diane and Drew, it was necessary and it fucking sucked.

There was a "Friends" episode that was one of my favorites where Phoebe gives Chandler and Monica a Ms. Pacman as a wedding present. One day Chandler stays home from work to play it all day. He sets all the high scores so each time he goes to type in the initials, he makes dirty words*. He goes to hi-five Monica about it and can't straighten his fingers. His hand is stuck in the "gaming position":

That is what my hand looks like right now after all that steam cleaning. Its curved shape is perfect for using a mouse or feeling up a woman's chest, but that’s about it. Typing is tough-I'm not going to lie.

In other news, on Memorial Day weekend I did something I have never done before. I planted flowers. It's true-I have never planted flowers before. I used to help my mom plant hers, and by help I mean I planted one flower and then played with the dog. As a homeowner, I felt it was something I should try. A lot of people find gardening calming and soothing. Um…who the fuck are these people? Calming and soothing are two words I would use to describe a massage. Not dripping sweat and digging through soil for 2 hours.

Seriously it is not fun. I think it might have been fun for my neighbors who had to watch my big ass bend over in sweatshorts, though. I had no idea what I was doing, and bees tried to kill me. Also so did this thing:

In case you can't tell what that high quality picture is, it's a slug that I found hiding inside one of the plants. Obviously he was lying in wait until he could start his deadly attack on me, but I found him before the bloodshed could begin. I thought about pouring salt on him to watch him shrivel up, but then I remembered that I am not an 11 year old boy. So instead I flicked him onto the sidewalk and then kept almost stepping on him with my bare feet and screaming each time. So while I am not an 11 year old boy, I am, in fact, an 11 year old girl.

This flower hates me:

So it has been 3 weeks, and they are still alive. That is a miracle.

By the way when I have kids you will receive similar updates ("Well, it's been 3 weeks and so far I haven’t managed to kill my child.")

While I didn't enjoy the planting process, I concede that it really didn't take that long and that part of the problem might have been that I picked the hottest weekend of the entire year to do it. Also I absolutely love how they look. They lift my spirits when I come home, and I like taking care of them-usually. In fact I met a new neighbor the other day while I was out tending to them. She lives two condos over, and unfortunately I didn't see her sitting on her driveway until after I had actually talked out loud to my flowers. I tried to fix the situation by joking about it, but I'm sure 30 seconds after going inside she told everyone she knows that she lives by the Flower Whisperer.

*By the way, this episode has one of my favorite lines ever of the series, and I don't know why. Monica sees what Chandler has done to all the high scores,

Monica: Chandler, why would you do that?
Chandler: Because it's awesome.

How come this is every man's reason for doing anything?


Adam said...

Because it's awesome!

Anonymous said...

"So instead I flicked him onto the sidewalk and then kept almost stepping on him with my bare feet and screaming each time. So while I am not an 11 year old boy, I am, in fact, an 11 year old girl."

That's so cute.

Mordja said...

Adam got it. Thundering revelation about men. There is nothing more needed here to say to defend ourselves.

Mon said...

See, after saying you didn't enjoy gardening, in the end you got the joy part. It's when you get to look at all your hard work and have that pride that you did it. THAT'S the fun part! And everyone being jealous cus their yards suck, that's fun too.

Oh, that girl. said...

Nice way to kill slugs:

Fill lid to margarin container or any lid to tupperware with beer. leave in flower bed or sidewalk. Slugs will drink themselves to death. Dispose of lid next day with dead slugs inside. Think about it. It is the best way to let them go with god. Wouldn't you rather die in a pool of beer? I had 13 slugs on my sidewalk last night and thats a lot considering My sidewalk is only 4 feet long. Why do the dogs eat shit, glass and cigaretts, but won't touch slugs?

JD said...

why in the world would you waste a beer on a slug? Perhaps a better idea would be to drink a few beers then figure out what to do with the slug.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Life is too short to get caught up in crap, unless it's awesome.