Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Professor the Conservatory...with the candlestick

So I'm not at home tonight. I'm in a hotel in the east suburbs of Cleveland. We have a couple of all day meetings out here for work so I decided to stay overnight rather than drive all the way home and back in the morning. I love hotels. This is a nice one. I'm already thinking about what I can take with me when I leave.

Tonight at our dinner they did one of those murder mystery dinner things. Do you guys know what that is? They bring in some people who play characters. You're supposed to watch all of them and learn about them. Then one of them "dies" and you're supposed to figure out who killed him or her. It's like a live action Clue game. Actually what it's really like is 7 real life talking mascots bothering me during dinner.

Listen, I don't know how much clearer I can make this. People do not want to be bothered while they are trying to eat. That is truth. That is fact. That is law. You know how when you give a dog a treat it takes it and runs away? Or if you go up to one and try to play with it while it's eating it either growls or walks away? It's the same concept with humans. Let me eat. Then we'll play your little game.

Oh also the magician loved me. That's despite the fact that I told him he was creeping me out. I think if this whole corporate job thing doesn't work out I could probably find success as a magician's assistant.

In other news, my sister and Drew have bought a house (an awesome house). This is their very first house, and it is together. As Chandler Bing would say, could this BE any more exciting?

What this means is Woodford, our beloved apartment, is no more. Kim and Steph have both moved into awesome apartments. I'm so happy for all my girls.

I don't know if I can accurately express just how big of a role Woodford has played in all of our lives. It wasn't just an apartment. It took on a life of its own. It was a friend, a character in almost every insane event we've experienced in the past 6 years.

As such, it was absolutely disgusting by the time we moved everything out of it last weekend. This past Tuesday we had a "cleaning party". I've never been to a party that was less like a party. I wanted to take pictures to show you, but I quickly realized that would be cruel to do to you. It was some nasty shiznit, and we were there for hours. That's all you need to know.

I also really wanted to put up some pictures of Woodford in cleaner (and more fun) times. However, most of them were not family-friendly, and also I am at a hotel without my camera or any pictures or a scanner or anything so I need you guys to do me a favor: dim the lights, light a candle, take out your Kenny Rogers Greatest Hits CD or really just turn on your CD player because we all know that disc is in there already and put on "Through the Years". Then just lay on your couch or bed and take in the lyrics and try to imagine our old apartment. To give you a visual, it was bright pink with dark green trim. Okay so actually just picture a watermelon, and that will be close enough.

I love you, Woodford!

Through the years
You've never let me down
You turned my life around
The sweetest days I've found
I've found with you
Through the years
I've never been afraid
I've loved the life we've made
And I'm so glad I've stayed
Right here with you
Through the years


russ said...

The other night I was in Tremont, walking home from a nice Thai meal at a new restaurant (Ty Fun, pronounced, Typhoon) with the ladyfriend and some other buddies, and we walked by a small gaggle of kids in a front yard.

Hang with me, it gets relevant soon.

Two of the kids, somewhere in the 8-12 demographic, were huddled around some kind of cheap purple translucent plastic mp3 player, on earbud for each. These are nice looking kids, possibly latino, living in a low rent neighborhood.

Anthropologist or pedophile that he is, my buddy asks them "What are you listening to?"

They answer "Kenny Rogers".

That's the funniest occurence of that man since SNL's Eye on CHest Hair.

O, also at the Mike Doughty Band concert a couple weeks ago he covered The Gambler except he led into it with a little GnR Paradise City. Me and that same buddy were there and sang along -- both knowing all the words.

What I'm saying is -- I love me some Kenny Rogers, and I'm not talkin' Roasters.

R2K said...

: )

Anonymous said... bring up Kenny and I suddenly have a huge desire to give up the new urban chic place and go running back to the old bedroom, the one the size of postage stamp with kitten borders and aqua carpet at old Woodford...wait, no I don't. How did we all stay there so long? -Steph

Anonymous said...

You should post some of the stuff we found while moving your asses out of that place. Off the top of my head... Steph's AWESOME sunglasses, $16.00 in change, a case of UNOPENED pepsi and bottle water in the garage, a single boob holder thingy (complete with sticky-tape inside), etc. What did you find that is worth mentioning??


Mon said...

That was touching. Growing up is hard. Sniff sniff...

A murder mystery would be fun. Normally, you PAY to have that sort of activity, and you are expecting it. If you are kinda thrown into it, not let alone to eat, id have made my own murder mystery. =)

Anonymous said...

Should I be at all embarrassed that all the things A Loyd referenced were mine? And that single boobie holder thingy, it comes with two and you tape it on with a strapless dress, it's really not as unusual and perverse as you make it sound.

Not anything like the dozen or so porno cards we found scattered throughout the apartment from Gerb's visit two years ago. Thanks Gerbs. Thanks. For the record, I hid one of the porno cards for the new occupants to stumble upon when they least expect it. After all, you never really leave a place you love, part of it goes with you, and you leave a part of yourself behind. In our case, we left behind porno Vegas cards. I rock! -Steph

Anonymous said...

Once you explained the boobie thingy Steph, it does sound less interesting. You just have to understand, we men have NO CLUE what you women actually go through. All the painting, and gluing, and crimping, and taping things in place, etc. No wonder women take so long in the bathroom...


John said...

I actually cried when I was reading this. I'm sorry I missed moving day

Johnny Virgil said...

If I lived in Cleveland, I would have helped you all move. Just for the experience of it.

danielle said...

i can't believe you carved halloween pumpkins in record time at that place. oh wait. that was me.

this is actually pretty sad though. i'll miss ya too, ford of wood.

diane said...

What a great tribute song for Woodford. I do have to say...once the place was clean, it was hard to say goodbye. We love you and miss you Woodford.

Special thanks goes to ALoyd and Drew for helping me carry out Woodford's garbage in a monsoon. It literally took up 3 tree lawns. There was a lot of good stuff in there.