Friday, May 23, 2008

Give it to me baby

So this wedding we went to a couple weeks ago was for our friends Mark and Mariella. It was lovely, and they both looked so happy, you'd have to have been dead inside not to feel excited. I didn't drink at all. During the ceremony I mean. Obviously I was doublefisting at the reception. There was a lot of dancing and drinking and wasted-off-her-ass Christy without shoes on telling me how tired she was but she literally couldn't stop her body from dancing. Maybe the greatest part of the reception besides the station they had set up where you could do shots of liquor in chocolate shot glasses (how cool are Mark and Mariella) was the bouquet toss. It's no secret that I absolutely loathe the bouquet toss. I have threatened my sister with disownment if she does it at her wedding. Luckily we share the same DNA so we have similar thoughts on this tradition. I can understand the appeal for the bride, but everyone needs to understand the lack of appeal for any single woman over the age of 25. It's horrible.

Anyway, during the bouquet toss Christy shoved us out onto the floor. Mariella threw the bouquet over the entire crowd, and we all just turned around and looked at it laying on the floor behind us. Suddenly from out of NOWHERE we saw a flash of color from our left and there was some chick sliding on the floor on both knees and in one fluid movement she scooped up the bouquet as she slid past. Then she jumped up in the ready position to fight anyone who tried to take it from her. No one even moved. I can't even explain to you how awesome this was. I have no idea where this girl even came from. But suddenly she was just there, and she was completely freaking out even though she took the bouquet completely uncontested. Diane, Meg, Sharda and I looked at each other just utterly speechless. We walked off the floor and were unable to speak for a good minute because we were laughing too hard. I was thisclose to peeing my pants. Drew was like, "Why are you guys not able to talk right now?" It was so effing great. I honestly have never wished so hard that you guys could've been there to see what I saw. There's always one at every wedding, you guys.

After the wedding we went back to our hotel, which did not have its own bar, so we went to the hotel bar next door. When we walked in, there were about 6 people just sitting around the bar. It almost looked closed, but it wasn't. We walked in and this one black guy was like, "Lord have mercy! Look at all these beautiful ladies! How'd you three gentlemen end up with all these beautiful ladies?" Awesome. So obviously we ordered drinks and started dancing. There was a headshot of some guy behind the bar. It turns out that was the guy who was yelling about the beautiful ladies. He was the entertainment there. I will call him JC. His act consisted of basically a giant karaoke machine, a flute and a guitar.

Aloyd did an awesome chair dance (which he doesn't remember), and I was dancing and JC came up and said, "I'm gonna sing for you guys." Then he pointed to me and goes, "I'm going to sing a song for you." Then he pressed play on his karaoke machine and sang "Give it To Me Baby" by Rick James. Drew, not surprisingly, knows every word of that song. After that one was over he walked into "the audience" (me and my friends on the dance floor) and said, "Now this one's for you." and pointed at me. Then he played "Superfreak". Superfreak!! That's the song he dedicated to me. Just like the traitors they are, my friends immediately left the dance floor, and I had to stand out there by myself and dance with JC to the longest version of Superfreak I have ever heard. He made me take off my cardigan, too. So I did, and I twirled it above my head and threw it on the floor. Because if I'm going to play a part, I'm going to commit to it dammit.

When the song ended he said, "Okay now everyone close their eyes for a minute." Everyone laughed, and I, again playing the part, said, "Only a minute??" And then he had a hernia laughing because I just have that effect on middle aged lounge singers. I then walked over to my drink and bent over a little to get it and he said, "Oh honey-don't bend over in front of me." Yeah. He's that guy. After that, wasted Aloyd requested that he sing some Chicago. Let me just say, this guy clearly doesn't usually sing Chicago. But he did for us, and then he was done. As he walked back to his seat, he started rubbing my sister's back and saying, "You have a nice back." And Diane's like, "Thanks. Yeah the dress is open back there." because she didn't know what to say. Then he goes, "It's nice." and kept rubbing it like a creepazoid. That's when Aloyd said, "Okay-it's time to go!" As we walked out, they locked the door behind us. We sure know how to make an impression.

Weddings are awesome.


Anonymous said...

During the bouquet toss, I hid in the lobby with the hot policemen, winking at them and and refusing to participate in the wedding ritual. Christy came out to get me, took one look at me and said "ok, you are not someone I can convince" and ran back in...had I known there was a bouquet devotee, I would have absolutely been there in a heartbeat! Dammit, I miss everything! How did I not hear about this before now? -Steph

Sizzle said...

I don't get the bouquet toss. No thanks for me!

That guy at the bar? EW!

Russ said...

Non sequitor: Kanye has a sense of humor!

Mon said...

now you do a wedding!
I'm kinda sad you didnt fill the tub with ice and booze, that sounded like a killer time when you did that =).

On the boquet toss, women over 25, are smart, and economical. Catch the boquet, and have a fresh flower arrangement at home for a few days. I mean, it's totally Martha Stewart. And, well...maybe that makes me sound old?

I freaking love weddings. I wish someone I know would get hitched so I could drink all their free alchohol!

Nessa said...

How have you and your friends not discovered SingStar yet? It was INVENTED for you, I'm certain of it. Buy it immediately.

Lil Sass said...

I just clicked on your blog from 15 minute lunch and this is a FRIGGIN HILARIOUS post and even if you're Sarah with a 'h' and I'm Sara without, I still think I like you.


Anonymous said...

At the last wedding I went to, I bet my mum that she couldn't get the bouquet before me. Then I stood absolutely still as my own mother threw herself in the way of everyone else, elbowing them out of the way. Mean? Perhaps. Hilarious? Yep.